(no subject)
October 17 at 7:37pm
"I long for you every day, I miss you more than I could ever articulate stephen; but I know that I am perfectly designed for abandonment, for unrequited love, perhaps it's the only thing that fuels me. I think of the child I murdered every day, and though the most rational part of me knows it was the best decision, the only way to save a child from the torture of being mine; still I ache and I hurt and I sob relentlessly for you to be a part of me again, for that child that was so unlikely, I want it growing inside of me more than anything. Not for you or for anyone else, but for me. Maybe that's typical, maybe I am a selfish monster created out of fear and regret, but still I love you and I love the child we lost, and I love the unlikely possibility of you responding, of you caring again. It all amounts to nothing in the end because you've erased me and I cling to you helplessly, with distorted memories of the solace we provided one another, and the love I still harbor for you that will not die, no matter how much I wish for it's demise, for my body to be freed of it's need for you."
I am afraid of never seeing you again. I am afraid that no one will understand the way that you do. I am afraid of never loving someone so fully again, so effortlessly and without hesitation. I am afraid of how I still miss you, how I cannot imagine anything better than seeing your face, not one goddamn thing.
"I long for you every day, I miss you more than I could ever articulate stephen; but I know that I am perfectly designed for abandonment, for unrequited love, perhaps it's the only thing that fuels me. I think of the child I murdered every day, and though the most rational part of me knows it was the best decision, the only way to save a child from the torture of being mine; still I ache and I hurt and I sob relentlessly for you to be a part of me again, for that child that was so unlikely, I want it growing inside of me more than anything. Not for you or for anyone else, but for me. Maybe that's typical, maybe I am a selfish monster created out of fear and regret, but still I love you and I love the child we lost, and I love the unlikely possibility of you responding, of you caring again. It all amounts to nothing in the end because you've erased me and I cling to you helplessly, with distorted memories of the solace we provided one another, and the love I still harbor for you that will not die, no matter how much I wish for it's demise, for my body to be freed of it's need for you."
I am afraid of never seeing you again. I am afraid that no one will understand the way that you do. I am afraid of never loving someone so fully again, so effortlessly and without hesitation. I am afraid of how I still miss you, how I cannot imagine anything better than seeing your face, not one goddamn thing.