(no subject)

[lovemedeath]

nothing is real anymore. isaac leaves and I love him and I need him, isaac comes home and I want anything but him. I am sick with myself, with being caged inside of this miserable body that resists pleasure brutally and resolutely. I haven't eaten in three days and my body is fighting violently against me, my stomach clenching, unclenching, twisting painfully into larger and larger knots, my head aches and I need to vomit, but there's nothing to release from this decaying shell I heave around. yesterday, I read the text messages in my trash only to discover that isaac and matt have been speaking. I shut my mouth and hold the air tightly inside of my lungs, ceasing to breathe and in my mind ceasing to live for just a few seconds. this is the only way to manage, to accept that matt loves me fully and understands me in a way no one else ever will, and that I can never have matt. I am stranded in this desolate town in the middle-of-nowhere-tennessee and I'd be happy just to see a wal-mart, to feel some sense of home, but I am too sick to layer on my clothing and brave the cold and wander around a strange town that I have no desire to be in. I am lonely, I need matt's comforting voice; like the back of a sheet of sandpaper, remnants of roughness pricking lovingly into my fingertips, curling up slightly at the edges, so crisp and smooth, so erotic, so goddamn perfect. I remember melodramatic all night phone conversations and cackling ecstatically into the phone, hannah next to me, excitedly murmuring about how delightful his voice was. It seems so far away, I doubt it ever happened and I fear each day that I am without him, each day that I tick off reluctantly on the calendar, dreading the day not so far from today when I will try to remember his face and I won't be able to, try to remember how his touch felt; electrifying and frightening and right, so fucking right, and it will be gone. Everything I have of matt will be gone except for my words and this persistent aching somewhere inside of me.

I never tried to replace her with you. I'm in love with you for who you are, you'd be misunderstood by most, but not by me. I think you're perfect.