(no subject)
blue black hair twisting wildly around my oversized head, blue black smoke curling languidly around my tongue, my lips, drifting off slowly and dissipating into the musty air. I left today, neglecting to bring my keyboard, forgetting items with a childish hope that they would bring me back. The universe will lead me back home, just like it lead me cruelly to you. Everything that has happened brought you right here, sitting next to me, isn't that enough? stop fighting the inevitable. I love you, let me take care of you, let me carry your pain, you and I are meant to be, I believe. garish purple hickies spread themselves lavishly over my chest and neck, I flaunt them proudly. I belong to you, in this instance. But never really, and you know it and I know it. A purple journal, a relic from the darkness of my childhood. I realize with a chesire cat smile that I haven't changed at all in three years, I've simply become more eloquent and more adept at feigning heartlessness. If I don't laugh the sadness will devour me. I can't feel, I can't see boundaries. Everything is too abstract, spinning madly, the lines blur and collide until the most basic human emotions are rendered meaningless and futile. Polyfidelity, it crawls slowly and cautiously off of my tongue, am I more open minded or more numb? We don't sleep, we speak endlessly and succumb to the pleasure of touch, we chain smoke and fuck until we're raw and senseless. I believe it too, I believe I've spent my life clawing at scraps of love and feeling, knowing that if I could survive it would mean something, to someone, someday. Will you belong to me? in a world that made sense you and I would be shackled to one another by more than the love we whisper in the eerie blue light of a living room lit by movies on mute. in a sensical world the unbearably heavy chain binding us together would cut angrily into my flesh at my insistence to run. My fantasies disappear as easily as the smoke that corrodes my lungs and deepens my voice, because I am here and you are there. I am running and you are waiting digilently for me to return. You asked me gently to remain faithful to your ghost which will loom unceasingly above me, I want to be the only man who has the pleasure of touching you, of savoring your delicate softness, let me, I laugh weakly and agree to your terms. My body responds only to you, I said I had no interest in sex, I left out my inability to enjoy anyone inside of me but you. My love for you finds me crumbling into fragile shards of optimism. Don't break me, don't break me, don't break me. Destroy my hardness with your intensity and your masculine neediness, I would gladly live my life as a pile of ruins, if only to be at your feet, worshipping you the way you worship me.