Go ahead and stamp "INSANE" on the back of my hand
Thinking aloud and notassuch's gentle prodding have caused me to write this abomination beautiful Superfriends/Harry Potter crossover. It's beautiful because Superman and Green Lantern combining their powers to travel back in time is canon, so I really don't think I can out bizarre that. Or is it "me really DO think me can NOT out bizarre that?
"Can someone give me a ride?" asked Aquaman.
The Superfriends exchanged a glance. "I don't know where I parked my invisible jet," said Wonder Woman, "but I'm sure, Batman--"
"I'm afraid not," said Batman. "The backseat of the bat-jet is full of bat-gadgets. Isn't that right, friend of friends?"
"Holy there's no room for Aquaman, Batman!" exclaimed Robin. "The backseat is completely full!"
"Not one of your better ones, old chum."
"Maybe if we hadn't been up all night...protecting Gotham City..."
"We'd better get moving if we want to catch the Legion of Doom," said Superman.
"I guess I could swim there," said Aquaman.
"That's the spirit," said Superman.
***
"Did you really forget where you parked your jet?" asked the Flash after everyone power of flight, the ability to breathe under water, or the budget of Wayne Enterprises had left.
"No, I'm just tired of giving rides to Aquaman," said Wonder Woman. "He keeps staring at me."
"At least he doesn't have x-ray vision."
"Great Hera!"
"What?"
"After we've stopped the Legion of Doom, I'm going to have to have a little talk with Superman."
"Are you going to tie him up with your lasso again?"
"Yes, the Lasso of Truth is--how did you know about that?"
***
Meanwhile, at the Bat-Cave...
"Enough of your games, Catwoman," Batman told his video phone. "This is a bat-booty call."
"Purrr-fect," said Catwoman. "I'll get my toothbrush, and then we can discuss where to meet."
"Holy infidelity, Batman!" Robin shouted from the doorway. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"You don't understand, Robin," said Batman. "It's a cunning bat-trap."
"Oh, in...no, it isn't!"
"Bat-threesome?"
***
Somewhere in England...
Something had disturbed that giant squid's slumber. As it swan towards the lake's surface, it realized that whatever had woken it up was asking it something. Even while half a sleep and groggy from the cold, Hogwarts' giant squid could still keep its priorities straight. "Food?" it asked. "Shagging?"
"I just wanted someone to talk to."
The giant squid reached out. Whatever it was felt human, but no one had ever wante to talk to the giant squid before. Well, at least not in a language it could understand. It extended another tentacle and said, "Shagging?"
"I'm not sure about...I'm feeling a bit vulnerable..."
Aquatic creatures didn't really think in words like "vulnerable." The closest equivalent was "uneasy feeling, afraid of being eaten by bigger thing."
"Not food," the giant squid said emphatically as it started to stroke one of the strange human's few limbs. "Shagging?"
***
At a magical school nearby...
"What's going on?" asked the Flash.
"The Legion of Doom are controlling a group of children on broomsticks," said Superman, pointing towards the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.
"It's no good," said Green Lantern. "My ring can't affect anything that's yellow!"
"Maybe I could reverse the Earth's rotation, sending them and the Legion of Doom into orbit," said Superman. "Or Flash and I could run around them, creating a whirlwind that--"
"Don't worry; we'll take care of it!" said Zan.
"Wonder Twin Powers--activate!" shouted the Wonder Twins.
"Form of...a vulture!" shouted Jayna.
"Form of...ice water!" shouted Zan.
As Jayna carried a bucket full of her brother towards the Hufflepuffs, the rest of the Superfriends considered the situation.
***
Back at the giant squid's lake...
Aquaman had some considering of his own to do. His ability to talk to marine life had always come in handy, but the fish he'd talked to before had never offered...well...
At the moment the squid was lightly holding both his arms and sending a third tentacle up one of his legs. Aquaman's primary concern was not that the squid would suddenly change its mind and attack him--he could always politely ask it not to do that--but that, somehow, the rest of the Superfriends would find out, and he'd never hear the end of it.
Before he could make any life altering decisions, a voice said from behind him, "What are you doing to our squid?"
The squid made a hasty retreat into the water. Aquaman turned to see a stern looking woman in square glasses and a pointy hat. "How did you get here?" she asked.
"I'm a member of the Superfriends," said Aquaman.
She raised an eyebrow. "The what?"
"The Superfriends. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman--"
"That's enough. What is your name?"
"Aquaman. I can talk to fish."
"I'm sure that comes in quite handy. If you'll follow me--and don't try anything funny. You're in enough trouble as it is."
***
Later, at the Hall of Justice...
"You missed quite a fight, Batman," said Superman.
"Unfortunately Commissioner Gordon called me," said Batman, "and as a member of the Gotham City police force, it's my duty to protect the people the Gotham."
"There's purple lipstick on your mask," said Wonder Woman.
***
"Lemon sherbert?"
"No, thank you," said Aquaman, mostly because he had no idea what the old man was offering him. He'd been on much firmer ground with the squid.
"Albus, I found this man wandering the grounds," said the woman.
"Oh, he's probably just lost. I find that whenever I'm not quite sure where I am, a sweet--"
"Albus, ever since we sent Potter his acceptence letter, something has tried to close, destroy, or attack the school. Don't you think a bit of caution is necessary?"
"Oh, I'm sure someone must have tried it before now."
"If they did, they weren't trying as hard. We at least have to contact the Ministry."
"Hmmm?"
"He's a Muggle who believes he can talk to fish."
"Splendid! I've always wondered what they've been trying to say to me all these years..." The old man stood up, still smiling warmly at Aquaman.
"I see," the woman said stiffly. "I have a few things to attend to before classes tomorrow, so if you'll excuse me."
Albus Dumbledore took a lemon sherbert from his small bag before placing an arm around Aquaman. "Now, let's go talk to some fish," he said.
***
I really hope someone else finds this funny because otherwise it'll mean my sense of humour has gone to a horribly bad place. Ah, well, at least it'll keep me entertained when I'm finally dragged to the asylum.
"Can someone give me a ride?" asked Aquaman.
The Superfriends exchanged a glance. "I don't know where I parked my invisible jet," said Wonder Woman, "but I'm sure, Batman--"
"I'm afraid not," said Batman. "The backseat of the bat-jet is full of bat-gadgets. Isn't that right, friend of friends?"
"Holy there's no room for Aquaman, Batman!" exclaimed Robin. "The backseat is completely full!"
"Not one of your better ones, old chum."
"Maybe if we hadn't been up all night...protecting Gotham City..."
"We'd better get moving if we want to catch the Legion of Doom," said Superman.
"I guess I could swim there," said Aquaman.
"That's the spirit," said Superman.
***
"Did you really forget where you parked your jet?" asked the Flash after everyone power of flight, the ability to breathe under water, or the budget of Wayne Enterprises had left.
"No, I'm just tired of giving rides to Aquaman," said Wonder Woman. "He keeps staring at me."
"At least he doesn't have x-ray vision."
"Great Hera!"
"What?"
"After we've stopped the Legion of Doom, I'm going to have to have a little talk with Superman."
"Are you going to tie him up with your lasso again?"
"Yes, the Lasso of Truth is--how did you know about that?"
***
Meanwhile, at the Bat-Cave...
"Enough of your games, Catwoman," Batman told his video phone. "This is a bat-booty call."
"Purrr-fect," said Catwoman. "I'll get my toothbrush, and then we can discuss where to meet."
"Holy infidelity, Batman!" Robin shouted from the doorway. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"You don't understand, Robin," said Batman. "It's a cunning bat-trap."
"Oh, in...no, it isn't!"
"Bat-threesome?"
***
Somewhere in England...
Something had disturbed that giant squid's slumber. As it swan towards the lake's surface, it realized that whatever had woken it up was asking it something. Even while half a sleep and groggy from the cold, Hogwarts' giant squid could still keep its priorities straight. "Food?" it asked. "Shagging?"
"I just wanted someone to talk to."
The giant squid reached out. Whatever it was felt human, but no one had ever wante to talk to the giant squid before. Well, at least not in a language it could understand. It extended another tentacle and said, "Shagging?"
"I'm not sure about...I'm feeling a bit vulnerable..."
Aquatic creatures didn't really think in words like "vulnerable." The closest equivalent was "uneasy feeling, afraid of being eaten by bigger thing."
"Not food," the giant squid said emphatically as it started to stroke one of the strange human's few limbs. "Shagging?"
***
At a magical school nearby...
"What's going on?" asked the Flash.
"The Legion of Doom are controlling a group of children on broomsticks," said Superman, pointing towards the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.
"It's no good," said Green Lantern. "My ring can't affect anything that's yellow!"
"Maybe I could reverse the Earth's rotation, sending them and the Legion of Doom into orbit," said Superman. "Or Flash and I could run around them, creating a whirlwind that--"
"Don't worry; we'll take care of it!" said Zan.
"Wonder Twin Powers--activate!" shouted the Wonder Twins.
"Form of...a vulture!" shouted Jayna.
"Form of...ice water!" shouted Zan.
As Jayna carried a bucket full of her brother towards the Hufflepuffs, the rest of the Superfriends considered the situation.
***
Back at the giant squid's lake...
Aquaman had some considering of his own to do. His ability to talk to marine life had always come in handy, but the fish he'd talked to before had never offered...well...
At the moment the squid was lightly holding both his arms and sending a third tentacle up one of his legs. Aquaman's primary concern was not that the squid would suddenly change its mind and attack him--he could always politely ask it not to do that--but that, somehow, the rest of the Superfriends would find out, and he'd never hear the end of it.
Before he could make any life altering decisions, a voice said from behind him, "What are you doing to our squid?"
The squid made a hasty retreat into the water. Aquaman turned to see a stern looking woman in square glasses and a pointy hat. "How did you get here?" she asked.
"I'm a member of the Superfriends," said Aquaman.
She raised an eyebrow. "The what?"
"The Superfriends. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman--"
"That's enough. What is your name?"
"Aquaman. I can talk to fish."
"I'm sure that comes in quite handy. If you'll follow me--and don't try anything funny. You're in enough trouble as it is."
***
Later, at the Hall of Justice...
"You missed quite a fight, Batman," said Superman.
"Unfortunately Commissioner Gordon called me," said Batman, "and as a member of the Gotham City police force, it's my duty to protect the people the Gotham."
"There's purple lipstick on your mask," said Wonder Woman.
***
"Lemon sherbert?"
"No, thank you," said Aquaman, mostly because he had no idea what the old man was offering him. He'd been on much firmer ground with the squid.
"Albus, I found this man wandering the grounds," said the woman.
"Oh, he's probably just lost. I find that whenever I'm not quite sure where I am, a sweet--"
"Albus, ever since we sent Potter his acceptence letter, something has tried to close, destroy, or attack the school. Don't you think a bit of caution is necessary?"
"Oh, I'm sure someone must have tried it before now."
"If they did, they weren't trying as hard. We at least have to contact the Ministry."
"Hmmm?"
"He's a Muggle who believes he can talk to fish."
"Splendid! I've always wondered what they've been trying to say to me all these years..." The old man stood up, still smiling warmly at Aquaman.
"I see," the woman said stiffly. "I have a few things to attend to before classes tomorrow, so if you'll excuse me."
Albus Dumbledore took a lemon sherbert from his small bag before placing an arm around Aquaman. "Now, let's go talk to some fish," he said.
***
I really hope someone else finds this funny because otherwise it'll mean my sense of humour has gone to a horribly bad place. Ah, well, at least it'll keep me entertained when I'm finally dragged to the asylum.