(no subject)
yesterday was sort of a strange day. Father's Day. I took Q down to the Pride Parade. We met up with some friends and it was pretty fun. I actually wore makeup and glitter and that in itself was worth it for me. Q was not impressed though. He had this grouchy face on the whole time...He gets this serious and annoyed look and it seems like he's glaring at you. I think it was just too much over-stimulation. Plus he gets really frustrated that he can't run around where he wants. He doesn't walk yet, so his version of "running around" is doing his crawl/scoot thing. Which is fine in the backyard or the park, but not on the nasty grass at the waterfront and the streets of downtown. But he was so miserable just sitting there. So I let him crawl around some and everyone's looking at me weird (atleast in my imagination they were.) Like what are you doing letting your baby crawl around on the ground downtown? But it makes him so happy. And he just wants to be free and go exploring. I walk right beside him and make sure there is nothing sharp/sketchy in his immediate path. But after awhile it's just too much and the ground gets grosser the more you look at it. So I pick him up again and he screams. I spend much of the parade doing this. If only the world were a giant soft, grassy field, with balls and blocks and stuffed monkeys...Q would be a happy boy.
Also Father's Day is just strange for me because my father is so...not a father...and then there is Q's father.... And then during the parade, I saw my ex-girlfriend with her current girlfriend. It was the first time I had seen her in a very long time, and it felt pretty weird. So I think I had some brewing rejection/rage issues going on. By the time we left I felt very sad. I cried in the car and then felt stupid because there didn't seem to be any "real" reason why I was crying, and I so rarely cry these days that it felt selfish some how.
But then my sister came over later and took Q with her for a few hours. I tried to take a nap but still couldn't sleep. Still having a hard time sleeping. So I cleaned the house instead. But it was nice. I like to clean sometimes. Organizing my world. I cleaned and made some good food. And now i am happy because I got a good night's sleep, and I have a pretty clean house and food in the fridge. Those things are so important. I also managed to get my eyebrows waxed the other day and that makes me feel so much better about myself. It's amazing what removing facial hair can do for your ego.
The only thing that sucks today is that I woke up feeling like I wanted to smoke again. And I think that has to do with the emotional issues from yesterday. I'm being very scientific about all this. Feeling sad/angry makes me want to smoke...yes...but I don't smoke so I feel kind of restless and agitated and like I'm being cheated or neglected somehow. Man I can't wait for the nicotine withdrawals to finally be over. It's been like 10 days now and I'm still feelin' it. It's really frustrating. I have started doing crosswords though and those really help. I can waste hours at work trying to finish one.
Off to change my stinky baby....
Also Father's Day is just strange for me because my father is so...not a father...and then there is Q's father.... And then during the parade, I saw my ex-girlfriend with her current girlfriend. It was the first time I had seen her in a very long time, and it felt pretty weird. So I think I had some brewing rejection/rage issues going on. By the time we left I felt very sad. I cried in the car and then felt stupid because there didn't seem to be any "real" reason why I was crying, and I so rarely cry these days that it felt selfish some how.
But then my sister came over later and took Q with her for a few hours. I tried to take a nap but still couldn't sleep. Still having a hard time sleeping. So I cleaned the house instead. But it was nice. I like to clean sometimes. Organizing my world. I cleaned and made some good food. And now i am happy because I got a good night's sleep, and I have a pretty clean house and food in the fridge. Those things are so important. I also managed to get my eyebrows waxed the other day and that makes me feel so much better about myself. It's amazing what removing facial hair can do for your ego.
The only thing that sucks today is that I woke up feeling like I wanted to smoke again. And I think that has to do with the emotional issues from yesterday. I'm being very scientific about all this. Feeling sad/angry makes me want to smoke...yes...but I don't smoke so I feel kind of restless and agitated and like I'm being cheated or neglected somehow. Man I can't wait for the nicotine withdrawals to finally be over. It's been like 10 days now and I'm still feelin' it. It's really frustrating. I have started doing crosswords though and those really help. I can waste hours at work trying to finish one.
Off to change my stinky baby....