(no subject)
(this post is a combination of the post I did in MySpace and some updates afterwords. If the tone changes throughout that's why.)
Okay, Liz has had a really........rough week for Christmas, but things always have a silver lining in my life.
The story goes like this. I've been slowly getting more and more depressed over the last month. So depressed that I've stopped taking care of myself (i.e. food and exercise) and the only time I left the apartment was either to go somewhere with Patrick or go to work..... probably not a good thing.
My mind has been driving me crazy, with fast thoughts that I can't control and paranoia that Patrick is cheating on me, that none of my friends care anymore, that if I disappeared it would go unnoticed, and that I was hopelessly doomed to never finish school. I've had constant panic attacks, and through all this still had to act like I was feeling okay so that no one would worry. When I've tried to find help here in Fresno I get transferred on the phone thousands of times from one place to another and forced to repeat my story or put on hold. Then after finally finding someone who knew how to help I was informed that I'd have to wait AT LEAST 6 weeks to see a doctor. Needless to say I was starting to feel incredibly helpless. It peaked this last Tuesday when I couldn't even get out of bed and the very thought of work made me want to puke. I wasn't to the point of suicide, but very frightened because the thought was actually beginning to seem more attractive.
I had Patrick take me down to the crisis center here in Fresno so that I could get some help ASAP. Well they 5150 me because they were afraid that I would get to into a worse state if they let me go before I saw a doctor. What they didn't tell me when I was there was that it might take more than a day for me to see said doctor..... it actually took almost exactly 24hrs. And I had to stay in the crisis center.... i.e. the emergency loony bin. I NEVER want to return there.
There were a few good things about being there though. I didn't have to act like I felt good, or be nice to anyone. I didn't have to talk to anyone or even speak. I could just turn myself off, which is the only way I can make the thoughts slow down or ignore them. I can't do this usually because it involves not interacting with or to anyone around me. I kind of make myself numb and stop caring. I could totally do that there. The other good thing was that I was what they call "fast tracked" as soon as I finally was evaluated by a counselor and a psychiatrist. All of my mental medical expenses will be covered for the next year for only $99 (trips to the doctor, medication, anything else, and the trip to PACT- ER loony bin). The third good was that while I was definitely not doing well, I saw that there were far more worse off than me. People who will never be able to achieve an equilibrium of sorts. Because of this and the way our society as a whole views mental illnesses, they will be running a life of tortured proportions. I can only hope that in their minds they are unaware of their distance from us.
You see my family has a history of mental health issues. My dad suffers from sever depression and seasonal depressive episodes. My mother and her mother are both types of Bi-polar. And that's only the tip of the iceburg. I've been dealing with this most of my life, but only recently has it become uncontrollable. And I do mean exactly that.
So now I'm out, and on a LOW dose of medicine. I've got appointments for the psychiatrist and counselors, as well as wonderful family support. Patrick's been a gem. I spent Christmas in Merced with my parents and then went to visit grandparents. Now it's back to work and life. And I feel good again. It's a relief to feel like me. The doctor might say that the medicine is working to fast, but it doesn't seem to be affecting me for the worse. I'll give it a few more weeks to see if it's something to be worried about.
So that's the big news. Oh and I found my cell phone at the bottom of the laundry bin, so if you want to call me it's okay now. I'll actually get the calls!
Later cats!
Okay, Liz has had a really........rough week for Christmas, but things always have a silver lining in my life.
The story goes like this. I've been slowly getting more and more depressed over the last month. So depressed that I've stopped taking care of myself (i.e. food and exercise) and the only time I left the apartment was either to go somewhere with Patrick or go to work..... probably not a good thing.
My mind has been driving me crazy, with fast thoughts that I can't control and paranoia that Patrick is cheating on me, that none of my friends care anymore, that if I disappeared it would go unnoticed, and that I was hopelessly doomed to never finish school. I've had constant panic attacks, and through all this still had to act like I was feeling okay so that no one would worry. When I've tried to find help here in Fresno I get transferred on the phone thousands of times from one place to another and forced to repeat my story or put on hold. Then after finally finding someone who knew how to help I was informed that I'd have to wait AT LEAST 6 weeks to see a doctor. Needless to say I was starting to feel incredibly helpless. It peaked this last Tuesday when I couldn't even get out of bed and the very thought of work made me want to puke. I wasn't to the point of suicide, but very frightened because the thought was actually beginning to seem more attractive.
I had Patrick take me down to the crisis center here in Fresno so that I could get some help ASAP. Well they 5150 me because they were afraid that I would get to into a worse state if they let me go before I saw a doctor. What they didn't tell me when I was there was that it might take more than a day for me to see said doctor..... it actually took almost exactly 24hrs. And I had to stay in the crisis center.... i.e. the emergency loony bin. I NEVER want to return there.
There were a few good things about being there though. I didn't have to act like I felt good, or be nice to anyone. I didn't have to talk to anyone or even speak. I could just turn myself off, which is the only way I can make the thoughts slow down or ignore them. I can't do this usually because it involves not interacting with or to anyone around me. I kind of make myself numb and stop caring. I could totally do that there. The other good thing was that I was what they call "fast tracked" as soon as I finally was evaluated by a counselor and a psychiatrist. All of my mental medical expenses will be covered for the next year for only $99 (trips to the doctor, medication, anything else, and the trip to PACT- ER loony bin). The third good was that while I was definitely not doing well, I saw that there were far more worse off than me. People who will never be able to achieve an equilibrium of sorts. Because of this and the way our society as a whole views mental illnesses, they will be running a life of tortured proportions. I can only hope that in their minds they are unaware of their distance from us.
You see my family has a history of mental health issues. My dad suffers from sever depression and seasonal depressive episodes. My mother and her mother are both types of Bi-polar. And that's only the tip of the iceburg. I've been dealing with this most of my life, but only recently has it become uncontrollable. And I do mean exactly that.
So now I'm out, and on a LOW dose of medicine. I've got appointments for the psychiatrist and counselors, as well as wonderful family support. Patrick's been a gem. I spent Christmas in Merced with my parents and then went to visit grandparents. Now it's back to work and life. And I feel good again. It's a relief to feel like me. The doctor might say that the medicine is working to fast, but it doesn't seem to be affecting me for the worse. I'll give it a few more weeks to see if it's something to be worried about.
So that's the big news. Oh and I found my cell phone at the bottom of the laundry bin, so if you want to call me it's okay now. I'll actually get the calls!
Later cats!