4/10
The one thing Laura had promised herself she wouldn’t do when she accepted his assignment was sleep with the target; kissing and hand holding, all that was fine, but no sex. She wasn’t a prostitute, and she wasn't so dedicated to the company that she would demean herself like that again. But Milton still didn’t trusts her, not enough to
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Do you mean “this” assignment? I wasn’t sure if I forgot something from the previous stories.
“…that she would demean herself like that again.”
I think that this sentence would be more powerful if you put the “again” in a separate sentence.
Example: “She wouldn’t demean herself like that. Not again.”
“But Milton still didn’t trusts her...”
Change “trusts” to “trust”.
“It would be easier, maybe, if she loved him but she didn’t.”
Either put a coma before “but” or make it the start of a new sentence. (I like option two better for the purpose of mood, but it’s a personal choice.)
“Her mamma always said…”
I like that you’re referring back to the previous chapters. It really adds a nice feeling of continuity.
“…she used the night janitor to let herself in to the room.”
I think you need to expand on this more. (Show, don’t tell and such.) In the previous story, you state that the guards don’t trust Laura yet. What changed? How did she get him to help? What did he do to help?
Example: She had recently befriended the night janitor. It was surprising what giving a simple cup of coffee to a bored man could do. Late that night, she approached him, asking if he would let her in so that she could surprise Milton with a picnic dinner. At first, he refused, but she pleaded and batted her eyes. Eventually, he relented in the name of young love.
“Milton was shocked, of course, and obviously angry, but she played innocent and held up the picnic basket she had specially made, with nothing that would leave crumbs, and no liquids that might stain.”
There are too many thoughts in this sentence. You need to break it up into separate sections. Milton’s reaction is one. Laura’s reply is a second. The contents of the picnic basket are a third. (You can combine Milton’s reaction and Laura’s reply, but use a semicolon.)
“It was after the second cup of applesauce that he fell asleep…”
I’d like to actually see Milton getting drowsy. You can do it in a few stages over the course of a couple sentences. I really think that it would add to the mood.
Example: After the first cup of applesauce, Milton yawned, though kept droning on about Greek poetry. Halfway though the second cup, his eyes began to droop. Still, he kept reciting Italian love sonnets. Seven minutes after the second cup was finished, his prattling stopped as he finally fell asleep, papers still scattered over his desk. Laura sighed with relief. She was starting to get a headache.
“The security guard was taking a walk, and she snapped photographs of all the documents.”
Once again, you’re telling more than showing. This is a huge moment of triumph for your character. Does she take a minute to listen for the guard’s footsteps? Does she carefully focus each picture, or does she take several in rapid-fire succession? Is she running around the room like a madwoman, or does she have the whole thing carefully timed? Since this is a spy story (of sorts), I’d really like to see the spy in action!
“30 minutes later she tucked her cell phone away.”
Nitpicky grammar thing: always spell out numbers at the beginning of sentences.
“Laura never actually falls asleep on the job, on account of it being dangerous, but the usual adrenaline rush she got from a job well done seemed to be missing.”
I have two comments on this sentence. The first is that you used the word “job” twice. It’s a little repetitive, even though they’re in a different context. You can change “a job well done” to “completing her mission”.
The second thing is that I can feel that this sentence is the true climax of the story. Yes, the photos were important, but Laura’s emotional reaction is a pivotal moment for her character. Expand upon it so that this is clearer to the reader.
(P.S. - Sorry this took so long. I had a busy weekend.)
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