An apology to those who deserve one.
In the last month I have realized what it is I want to have in my life. I want to finish my education and be successful while doing it. It is going to be really hard after being out of school for over a year (well, by the time I will start up again), but I am more determined than I have ever been. I finally found something that I not only enjoy, but I excel at.
I also want to do well at work. Based on the comments from my higher-ups, I have been. I want to perfect any areas I am lacking in, and move up the food chain. This job is important to me because it is actual experience that will help me when I get where I'm going.
I want relationships in my life that are uplifting. I am done feeling like I am emotionally stomped on by my friends. So often in my life I have felt like I was a back-up friend. Not the one you call automatically, but the one you call when several other people don't answer or you don't feel like hitting the party or bar scene. I feel like I am always expected to be patient and listen in my friends' time of need, but when it comes to my own nobody ever does the same. I get their critisms, opinions, and sighs followed by rolling eyes. I don't deserve any of this. I've never had a friend that I could be completely myself with all of the time.
I want to continue to build a life with Spencer. I would attempt to describe our relationship and what it is that makes it so special, but words couldn't even begin to make you understand. He's my forever, let's put it that way, and the best friend I've ever had. I can cry, yell, be the biggest dork, laugh, and share my secrets with him. He never judges me and rarely becomes impatient with me. He is everything I've ever been missing in my life. Nothing could ever compare to this. I think it's funny how girls always put each other down for spending so much time with their boyfriends, something I have been guilty of at some points, also. The truth is, you just don't get it if you haven't been there.
So, where's the apology? I'm sorry that I can't be what some people need me to be in their life. I'm sorry for every time I've ditched, every time I've let anyone down while figuring all of this out. I've been through so much in the last 6 months. I practically had a nervous breakdown in October, and since then I've been battling to regain a since of my own self; struggling to regain my identity. I finally found my groove, my own little nitch in life. It's small, and it contains a limited number of people, but it's making me happy, and that's what I need right now. I'm sorry for anyone I've hurt. I really truly am... I've stopped talk to a number of people sort of randomly lately, and I want those people to know that I still love them, and I miss them. And if anything ever happens, and they need me, I'll be right there besides them. I've just sort of removed myself from everything. It's not really personal, it's just rather cliche. My life is going in a different direction, and I need time to get settled in that direction. It's no one single person. It's my whole life that's being rearranged, and it's hard to do that with everyone's ideas and opinions in my head.
So, please forgive me if I've hurt your feelings. It wasn't my intention, but I knew it would possibly be an outcome of my actions.
Always, love.
Amber