(no subject)
I'm worried that I have emotional problems or something.
I really miss my friends (jacob,laura,jess... so on and so on), but I don't make a huge effort to talk to them. I get jealous by the fact that abe talks to his friends! I'm not actually jealous of his relationships, I'm actually jealous that I just have this inability to keep up and show I care whereas he doesn't. I really dislike idle conversation for the most part. Actually the only person I ever talk to on the phone for more than 3 minutes EVER is laura. And it's not like we hour hour long conversations
I want to say I'm not a phone person. Which made sense back in the day because I was online all the time. But now I don't ever go on aim! really.. in the past month I think I've been on it 3 times at most, and then I left within a few minutes. When in Rhinebeck - which is never, I try and see everyone, but that's hard because I'm not there much and I don't have everyone's number after having killed my previous phone.
I haven't turned into an freakishly antisocial freak. I go to the clinic and work with people, and I try and work plans out for my friends at home. And at school I talk to people and was friendly and such. But I feel so goddam bad for never calling anyone back! And then I don't bother by the time I want to because I know I have to deal with being so negligent.
Text messages I respond to. Those are easy, short and I can respond in the way I want to, you know? It's always why I liked being online. Although part of the reason I don't go online is to avoid people I'm avoiding by phone!
I'm more content to read, or look things up, or clean. Is that weird? I don't feel particularly sad, or incredibly happy. I guess just busy, content, and always kind of rushing. I don't think I'm depressed. Actually, I feel a lot better in general than I did at school. I'm working on stuff inside me. I'm working on having a better relationship with dad, and trying to eat better, and figure out things I want to do.
I want to go to school and concentrate on my studies. I want to learn, and I want to read, and check out stuff in DC. I want to hang out with people too, but hang out in the productive do something sense. I don't just want to... party?
I get jealous because everyone and his brother love abe. and they tell him. and he tells them
(i.e.
"amy!! i miss you! hope you are having fun in DC with the peace corps!" - why does this actually bother me? It doesn't mean he cares less about me, or more about her. It's just a nice sentiment)
I know my friends love me, but I don't give them the chance to... demonstrate that. Why should they call me to talk when I don't call them back? I know it's my own fault, but I can't seem to escape it. I DREAD the phone. I don't have the attention span anymore to stay on aim. I can't just sit there and wait to talk to someone, or carry on a boring conversation.
If you have answers, please share. We can trade. I can tell you about how to ... thrust
I really miss my friends (jacob,laura,jess... so on and so on), but I don't make a huge effort to talk to them. I get jealous by the fact that abe talks to his friends! I'm not actually jealous of his relationships, I'm actually jealous that I just have this inability to keep up and show I care whereas he doesn't. I really dislike idle conversation for the most part. Actually the only person I ever talk to on the phone for more than 3 minutes EVER is laura. And it's not like we hour hour long conversations
I want to say I'm not a phone person. Which made sense back in the day because I was online all the time. But now I don't ever go on aim! really.. in the past month I think I've been on it 3 times at most, and then I left within a few minutes. When in Rhinebeck - which is never, I try and see everyone, but that's hard because I'm not there much and I don't have everyone's number after having killed my previous phone.
I haven't turned into an freakishly antisocial freak. I go to the clinic and work with people, and I try and work plans out for my friends at home. And at school I talk to people and was friendly and such. But I feel so goddam bad for never calling anyone back! And then I don't bother by the time I want to because I know I have to deal with being so negligent.
Text messages I respond to. Those are easy, short and I can respond in the way I want to, you know? It's always why I liked being online. Although part of the reason I don't go online is to avoid people I'm avoiding by phone!
I'm more content to read, or look things up, or clean. Is that weird? I don't feel particularly sad, or incredibly happy. I guess just busy, content, and always kind of rushing. I don't think I'm depressed. Actually, I feel a lot better in general than I did at school. I'm working on stuff inside me. I'm working on having a better relationship with dad, and trying to eat better, and figure out things I want to do.
I want to go to school and concentrate on my studies. I want to learn, and I want to read, and check out stuff in DC. I want to hang out with people too, but hang out in the productive do something sense. I don't just want to... party?
I get jealous because everyone and his brother love abe. and they tell him. and he tells them
(i.e.
"amy!! i miss you! hope you are having fun in DC with the peace corps!" - why does this actually bother me? It doesn't mean he cares less about me, or more about her. It's just a nice sentiment)
I know my friends love me, but I don't give them the chance to... demonstrate that. Why should they call me to talk when I don't call them back? I know it's my own fault, but I can't seem to escape it. I DREAD the phone. I don't have the attention span anymore to stay on aim. I can't just sit there and wait to talk to someone, or carry on a boring conversation.
If you have answers, please share. We can trade. I can tell you about how to ... thrust