My evening.
Thinking back on times passed, I regret so much. I wish I could go back to those days and just feel at home. Knowing where I stood with people. I do like being in Seattle though. My life is here. I work, go to school. Day in and day out it is the same thing, typically. Trying to figure out what the hell I am doing. I feel like all of my plans can't be taken seriously. Maybe I have that kind of reputation. It just motivates me to follow through. I have given up so many times. Or not lived enough for my own wellbeing. I don't ever want to look back on these years and feel like I wasn't living enough. I do not want to be that old woman who wishes she had lived differently... because I am already feeling that way about the past five years of my life. I think it is interesting how closed off I am. I have to be vague about particular things, but it seems like a big transition. I used to be open to love and affection, and liked meeting new people. Now I find myself more hesitant. Maybe I am insecure? Other people seem fine in social situations, but I guess I always feel better with just one person, or by myself. I over-think everything. There is always more than one way to explain why something is a certain way. I can't sleep at night because I question everything. What do you call this? What would I be diagnosed with- or is this normal? Do other people have trouble sleeping because of thoughts they can't dismiss because they seem so important? I don't want the ideas to vanish... I didn't want to sleep because I wanted to make sure that by the time he left I took in as much as I could with the slim amount of time I had. Maybe I like being at home because I don't have to worry about what other people are thinking. Or if I am doing the right thing. Home is much safer. But being out is fun too, sometimes. I want a career that keeps me very busy. I want a career that I love pouring my time into. I want to learn. This week I have made the decision to start really taking my assigned readings seriously. Having applied this to my studying habits, I have found that I was missing out on so much. I am benefiting from these readings. They are making me a more informed citizen. I know better than to point the finger of blame onto one individual when things go wrong. People in this country tend to do that. Talking about what I've learned helps me retain and apply it. I just wish there were people who cared to listen. I hate feeling like I am being boring. I hope I listen to others enough. I keep wondering what I am doing wrong. Maybe it isn't anything I can change. If I decide to really take my plans seriously, I wonder if I can ever succeed. Could I make it if I had to relocate to another state? Is it worth that much to me? Could I handle two years away, if that is what I must do? I was thinking that a study abroad trip alone would be a good way to test out if I could handle myself in a new place, without anyone else. I think I fear missing out. And people always are sure to inform you of when you've missed out. All they ever talk about. I prefer keeping moments of importance to myself. They seem better that way. Words aren't always enough. How would I act when I depend on myself only? Maybe it would be better to go away. I wish I knew if I were being realistic. That is where I'm at.