and this is the part where I run away...
I havent done this in a while. i feel like such a newbie.. guess i am.. i usually use this LJ for anger, upsets, and letdowns.. so here i am...
last night, it happened. i never thought it would. i never thought i would lose forever.. again.. contradictory? i like to think not. i couldnt sleep.. it hurt to breathe.. and i was physically beat down. my heart ached and my eyes burned.. and allthe strength i could muster up.. was wasted away on hugging myself.. twisting the sheets and speaking through sobs of how much i loved you. i broke out old pictures.. old notes.. old love. i practicall yhave them all memorized cause i have read them so much.. my most rerad parts of these notes.. the parts i love.. i read over and over... ''i'll always be here as your lover, as your friend..'' ..."I just want to be everything you dream of in a guy, because right now, you're everything I could ever hope for, and I owe you alot for that. My Ashley, my everything"... " you are the person I'll love for the rest of my days.. and you cast a long shadow over the rest of my life.. and if i have to move on and be with somebody else... you should know they will be living in your shadow.." I read that last one a billion times.. i never thought there would be a someone else. there would always be me. wed always be together.. when we get married in whitneys front yard barefoot.. when we lay on the beach together, the long walks to the bird sanctuary.. the first day when we sat on the curb down from the old santos.. when i told you i would be wit you forever after our first kiss in that alley.. it was supposed to be forever.. i just cant see myself giving up this easily.. giving up without a fight.. i cant.. though.. i dont even know if I have the strngth to fight.. but I'll try.. so where do we go from here? do we act like nothing has happened and move on with our lives where i always see the same scenario ove and over. My and my coffeeshop, finally grown up, and you walk in, its opening day, your with your wife, and we cross a blank stare and for one moment, we regret our past... is this how its gonna be? forever without you? i thought last night before ic alled somthings gonna happen and if we break up.. it'll be for the best.. it'll be right cause the fighting is getting old and it has to stop. what if we would have spoke up to say wed work on it.. what if instead of crying we had said i love you more. and in stead of making promises about being there and rings, wed promise to stay together until one of us killed each other... i try to breathe now, writing this through tear stained glasses and puffy eyes and i cant believe what im writing, feelings of old even though they are still there, about how much lost even though it feels all too real. how much i wanted to call last night and beg you to take me back but i know you would have said no.. and i couldnt bare another let down..i gave you somethign i never gave anyone else. i did it because of the clarity, hope and promises that we would be together.. but here i am.. let down.. i now feel impure. i never did before because i loved you and it was no big deal because we would be together forever.. 2 1/2 yrs down the drain? i like to think not.. 2 1/2 years learning.. i jsut wanna see your face.. touch your cheek... tell you i love.. i want you to awake me from this bad dream.. please.. i love you..
last night, it happened. i never thought it would. i never thought i would lose forever.. again.. contradictory? i like to think not. i couldnt sleep.. it hurt to breathe.. and i was physically beat down. my heart ached and my eyes burned.. and allthe strength i could muster up.. was wasted away on hugging myself.. twisting the sheets and speaking through sobs of how much i loved you. i broke out old pictures.. old notes.. old love. i practicall yhave them all memorized cause i have read them so much.. my most rerad parts of these notes.. the parts i love.. i read over and over... ''i'll always be here as your lover, as your friend..'' ..."I just want to be everything you dream of in a guy, because right now, you're everything I could ever hope for, and I owe you alot for that. My Ashley, my everything"... " you are the person I'll love for the rest of my days.. and you cast a long shadow over the rest of my life.. and if i have to move on and be with somebody else... you should know they will be living in your shadow.." I read that last one a billion times.. i never thought there would be a someone else. there would always be me. wed always be together.. when we get married in whitneys front yard barefoot.. when we lay on the beach together, the long walks to the bird sanctuary.. the first day when we sat on the curb down from the old santos.. when i told you i would be wit you forever after our first kiss in that alley.. it was supposed to be forever.. i just cant see myself giving up this easily.. giving up without a fight.. i cant.. though.. i dont even know if I have the strngth to fight.. but I'll try.. so where do we go from here? do we act like nothing has happened and move on with our lives where i always see the same scenario ove and over. My and my coffeeshop, finally grown up, and you walk in, its opening day, your with your wife, and we cross a blank stare and for one moment, we regret our past... is this how its gonna be? forever without you? i thought last night before ic alled somthings gonna happen and if we break up.. it'll be for the best.. it'll be right cause the fighting is getting old and it has to stop. what if we would have spoke up to say wed work on it.. what if instead of crying we had said i love you more. and in stead of making promises about being there and rings, wed promise to stay together until one of us killed each other... i try to breathe now, writing this through tear stained glasses and puffy eyes and i cant believe what im writing, feelings of old even though they are still there, about how much lost even though it feels all too real. how much i wanted to call last night and beg you to take me back but i know you would have said no.. and i couldnt bare another let down..i gave you somethign i never gave anyone else. i did it because of the clarity, hope and promises that we would be together.. but here i am.. let down.. i now feel impure. i never did before because i loved you and it was no big deal because we would be together forever.. 2 1/2 yrs down the drain? i like to think not.. 2 1/2 years learning.. i jsut wanna see your face.. touch your cheek... tell you i love.. i want you to awake me from this bad dream.. please.. i love you..