fandom_muses :: January :: New Year's Resolutions
If you made a New Year’s Resolution, do you honestly believe you’ll keep it?
A bed that's warm with memories can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so damn deep
Built a wall around my heart; I’ll never let it fall apart,
But strangely I wish secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep
Maroon 5 // Everyday
It’s simple enough, she tells herself as she looks to her reflection. Mirror, mirror on the wall. She shrugs and notes a dull ache in her shoulders - it’s where she carries her tension, but until there’s somewhere else to put it, the dull ache remains. She doesn’t even know who’s to blame anymore - whether it’s him or her or someone else altogether. She promised herself she would try. That was her resolution, or something like it.
This was what she wanted all along, though it’s funny how she has to remind herself of that these days. She wanted simple and uncomplicated, no feelings attached or involved really, just someone to come home to and play around with until the right one comes along. She isn’t sure about that plan anymore. Fundamentally, she supports it still. But, it’s that part about the right one that has her stuck. What if the right one already came and went, but still stops by with misanthropic banter and commentary? It’s a hypothetical. She’s never been a good liar.
She loves Chase, but she’s not in love with Chase. It’s like a bad line from Dr. Phil, but it fits. He’s her best friend, her sometimes boyfriend, her lover, her room-mate, her carpool, her - well, she can’t say everything, but she wants to say her everything and mean it. They did the exclusive thing. It worked while they were in Arizona, albeit briefly. She found herself waxing nostalgic on House and jumping too eagerly at a chance to go back. It took House three weeks to notice, but she was content in the fact that he noticed at all. That really should’ve been a red flag that things weren’t quite okay, but no, it took getting entirely too involved with his team - enough even to be caught by Chase - in order to signal a problem. Oh, and that damn documentary, but she doesn’t like to talk about that. She’s not a schoolgirl with a crush on the teacher. It’s not like that. It’s not anything close to - well, she still isn’t a good liar.
Alone is a concept she isn’t fond of. She’s been there, done that. It doesn’t exactly make the days pass by with ease. And, she does love Chase. There’s a level of comfort with him that she isn’t certain she’s shared with anyone else - with even her late husband. But, they both have needs that they can’t fulfill for one another. It breaks her heart a little, but she won’t let it show - she can’t really lie, but she hide and bury things so far beneath the surface. So, they’ve made it full circle, landing now in the place that she planned when she first proposed the idea of having not a relationship but just uncomplicated sex. Well, sort of, anyway. It was still something of a relationship as there happen to still be feelings attached. It’s comfortable and open - open to possibilities, to when the right one comes along, to whatever. It somehow feels okay and right and normal, for now. Secretly she worries about the day that his right one passes through and steals him away - she likes to tell herself that it won’t hurt much, just like ripping a band-aid off, but she worries silently. She never really stopped to think how it must’ve felt to him when she awkwardly confessed to the cameras that she loved Dr. House and proceeded to make a complete fool of herself. And, she never really thought about what would happen to them if House ever looked her way. But now that they’ve reached this open place, she finds herself fretful over the end of it, whenever that may be.
She promised herself she would try to make the best of it. She’s happy - happier than she’s been in a long time. Things are comfortable and content - she has someone to come home to and care for. Her basic needs are met, and she cares for him. She can’t be his everything, just like he can’t be hers. And, it was mostly her idea, the open relationship, and she promised herself in the New Year’s toast that she would try to make this work. She isn’t entirely certain why - perhaps it’s the safety blanket of their relationship, the closeness they share, how deeply she cares for him. It’ll be fine for now, if she can stop thinking about the later.
A bed that's warm with memories can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so damn deep
Built a wall around my heart; I’ll never let it fall apart,
But strangely I wish secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep
Maroon 5 // Everyday
It’s simple enough, she tells herself as she looks to her reflection. Mirror, mirror on the wall. She shrugs and notes a dull ache in her shoulders - it’s where she carries her tension, but until there’s somewhere else to put it, the dull ache remains. She doesn’t even know who’s to blame anymore - whether it’s him or her or someone else altogether. She promised herself she would try. That was her resolution, or something like it.
This was what she wanted all along, though it’s funny how she has to remind herself of that these days. She wanted simple and uncomplicated, no feelings attached or involved really, just someone to come home to and play around with until the right one comes along. She isn’t sure about that plan anymore. Fundamentally, she supports it still. But, it’s that part about the right one that has her stuck. What if the right one already came and went, but still stops by with misanthropic banter and commentary? It’s a hypothetical. She’s never been a good liar.
She loves Chase, but she’s not in love with Chase. It’s like a bad line from Dr. Phil, but it fits. He’s her best friend, her sometimes boyfriend, her lover, her room-mate, her carpool, her - well, she can’t say everything, but she wants to say her everything and mean it. They did the exclusive thing. It worked while they were in Arizona, albeit briefly. She found herself waxing nostalgic on House and jumping too eagerly at a chance to go back. It took House three weeks to notice, but she was content in the fact that he noticed at all. That really should’ve been a red flag that things weren’t quite okay, but no, it took getting entirely too involved with his team - enough even to be caught by Chase - in order to signal a problem. Oh, and that damn documentary, but she doesn’t like to talk about that. She’s not a schoolgirl with a crush on the teacher. It’s not like that. It’s not anything close to - well, she still isn’t a good liar.
Alone is a concept she isn’t fond of. She’s been there, done that. It doesn’t exactly make the days pass by with ease. And, she does love Chase. There’s a level of comfort with him that she isn’t certain she’s shared with anyone else - with even her late husband. But, they both have needs that they can’t fulfill for one another. It breaks her heart a little, but she won’t let it show - she can’t really lie, but she hide and bury things so far beneath the surface. So, they’ve made it full circle, landing now in the place that she planned when she first proposed the idea of having not a relationship but just uncomplicated sex. Well, sort of, anyway. It was still something of a relationship as there happen to still be feelings attached. It’s comfortable and open - open to possibilities, to when the right one comes along, to whatever. It somehow feels okay and right and normal, for now. Secretly she worries about the day that his right one passes through and steals him away - she likes to tell herself that it won’t hurt much, just like ripping a band-aid off, but she worries silently. She never really stopped to think how it must’ve felt to him when she awkwardly confessed to the cameras that she loved Dr. House and proceeded to make a complete fool of herself. And, she never really thought about what would happen to them if House ever looked her way. But now that they’ve reached this open place, she finds herself fretful over the end of it, whenever that may be.
She promised herself she would try to make the best of it. She’s happy - happier than she’s been in a long time. Things are comfortable and content - she has someone to come home to and care for. Her basic needs are met, and she cares for him. She can’t be his everything, just like he can’t be hers. And, it was mostly her idea, the open relationship, and she promised herself in the New Year’s toast that she would try to make this work. She isn’t entirely certain why - perhaps it’s the safety blanket of their relationship, the closeness they share, how deeply she cares for him. It’ll be fine for now, if she can stop thinking about the later.