(no subject)
so last saturday i finally got to dance at the future. it was the most fun ive had in so very long. the feeling was indescribable. i was the queen and all my little minions danced for me like little puppets on strings. i danced all night long. jsin said that i would have to dance a few times before they would pay me.... well i got paid anyway :) i wish i could have a profession like that. exercise, self empowerment, and fun clothes and makeup. last night i started on my ddr outfit. i disassembled my broken ps1 and my old ddr pad for parts. its gunna be great. and im redoing my rubber hair. i cant wait. dan and his wife are going to let me dress them up if i can get andrew a zulu outfit made and get him to the club. that would just make my millennium. ive started doing ddr again. i brought it to work and i stay for about an hour after i clock out and exercise. gamble tried it with me the other day. i need to bring my other pad so i can play doubles and so we can play two at a time. i just need some spray glue.
i got the best hair last saturday. the priss that sells them at junk man's daughter wont sell the one that i really want, its just like the one i bought but its white. mine is blond. its still great though. a "fairy wig" . basically that just means that it makes mah head huge.
i was on the computer at home last night looking for music to burn to listen to in the car. i accidentally opened the web browser (i have no internet) and some how clicked on something to show me the last sights visited. and all the addresses were kiddie porn sites. ..... that computer hasnt had internet access since it was hooked up in texas at mikey's house. ... i have a small hope that it wasnt him, that maybe somebody else was on his computer... but i think that im deluding myself. i cant believe that is true.... but it has to be. i hope there is some other explanation. but its doubtful. i keep finding things that corrupt my memory of him. and i dont want to see them. i just want to remember the sweet mikey, the mikey that was wronged by the world that he loved. i want to remember him for what he showed me of himself... not what, im afraid, he actually was. i stuck with him to the very end.. painfully.. desperately... and its scarred me for life. i believe that people go into the afterlife for what they were in life. he was my angel.. my beautiful, pure hearted mikey.. he was my guardian angel. but what if it was all an illusion? what if his heart was black. where does that put him now? is he in a world of eternal suffering for things that he hid from the known world? the best that i can hope is that i had some effect on him and that he had changed before he left me. i pray that at least in that aspect im not being naive. it has helped me get over his death to think that he is not suffering anymore. but what if he deserved to suffer? every fiber of my soul hopes that is wrong. man oh man. . hope is a dangerous thing. hope is just a way to ignore reality. what else can be said about it?
what a dreary day. purity and innocence lost, evil shows its twisted face. i still have my delusions, my false images, my shelters, my dis beliefs.
ill always love you mikey, no matter what you may have been. you hid things from me, you lied, you took things from me that can never be replaced, you yelled at me, you spent all of my money, you put yourself first, you treated me like your slave, but i still loved you. you always had to be right, you didnt care about other people's possessions or hard work. it always had to be about you. but i loved you. you got angry at everything i did, you couldnt keep a job, you made me feel guilty about everything i did. but i still loved you. is it that im addicted to turmoil in a relationship? do i feel like i need to punish myself? am i just stubborn and didnt want to give up on you? you made me jealous on purpose, you took my self respect, you degraded me, but i still loved you. i loved you in life and will always love you in death. no matter what. you changed me into what i am today. and there must be some good in that. i cant accept that you were evil. i will try to remember only the good things, our trip to stone mountain, getting thrown out of the masquerade together, our trip to texas for christmas, and all of those times you would come sit on my desk at work and cheer me up. i have to go now... alone to our home, where your best friend has vowed to take care of me. you made him promise that. you couldnt have been so evil my darling. you must be my angel. i wont accept that the last year of my life was a lie. i know it wasnt. good night baby. rest well this night as i will still never give up on you.
i got the best hair last saturday. the priss that sells them at junk man's daughter wont sell the one that i really want, its just like the one i bought but its white. mine is blond. its still great though. a "fairy wig" . basically that just means that it makes mah head huge.
i was on the computer at home last night looking for music to burn to listen to in the car. i accidentally opened the web browser (i have no internet) and some how clicked on something to show me the last sights visited. and all the addresses were kiddie porn sites. ..... that computer hasnt had internet access since it was hooked up in texas at mikey's house. ... i have a small hope that it wasnt him, that maybe somebody else was on his computer... but i think that im deluding myself. i cant believe that is true.... but it has to be. i hope there is some other explanation. but its doubtful. i keep finding things that corrupt my memory of him. and i dont want to see them. i just want to remember the sweet mikey, the mikey that was wronged by the world that he loved. i want to remember him for what he showed me of himself... not what, im afraid, he actually was. i stuck with him to the very end.. painfully.. desperately... and its scarred me for life. i believe that people go into the afterlife for what they were in life. he was my angel.. my beautiful, pure hearted mikey.. he was my guardian angel. but what if it was all an illusion? what if his heart was black. where does that put him now? is he in a world of eternal suffering for things that he hid from the known world? the best that i can hope is that i had some effect on him and that he had changed before he left me. i pray that at least in that aspect im not being naive. it has helped me get over his death to think that he is not suffering anymore. but what if he deserved to suffer? every fiber of my soul hopes that is wrong. man oh man. . hope is a dangerous thing. hope is just a way to ignore reality. what else can be said about it?
what a dreary day. purity and innocence lost, evil shows its twisted face. i still have my delusions, my false images, my shelters, my dis beliefs.
ill always love you mikey, no matter what you may have been. you hid things from me, you lied, you took things from me that can never be replaced, you yelled at me, you spent all of my money, you put yourself first, you treated me like your slave, but i still loved you. you always had to be right, you didnt care about other people's possessions or hard work. it always had to be about you. but i loved you. you got angry at everything i did, you couldnt keep a job, you made me feel guilty about everything i did. but i still loved you. is it that im addicted to turmoil in a relationship? do i feel like i need to punish myself? am i just stubborn and didnt want to give up on you? you made me jealous on purpose, you took my self respect, you degraded me, but i still loved you. i loved you in life and will always love you in death. no matter what. you changed me into what i am today. and there must be some good in that. i cant accept that you were evil. i will try to remember only the good things, our trip to stone mountain, getting thrown out of the masquerade together, our trip to texas for christmas, and all of those times you would come sit on my desk at work and cheer me up. i have to go now... alone to our home, where your best friend has vowed to take care of me. you made him promise that. you couldnt have been so evil my darling. you must be my angel. i wont accept that the last year of my life was a lie. i know it wasnt. good night baby. rest well this night as i will still never give up on you.