(no subject)
I think I made a mistake and got too drunk to realize it's immature of me to think that I love my boyfriend right now.
I mean seriously. We've been dating for 3 months, and not even all of those months have we been monogomous.
Jesus christ, I feel like one of those 12 year olds that date a boy for 2.5 seconds and then announces to the world that they are in love.
I don't think I can take those words back without sounding like an asshole,
I don't know whats fucking wrong with me,
reaching out in all the wrong ways
making feelings up to hide how fucking miserable I am.
Maybe I'm over thinking things, maybe this is really how i feel.
Maybe I should stop trying to be in long term relationships.
Maybe I'm so stressed about my living situation I can't focus on anything but negative thoughts.
gah. I need to start going to school, so I can meet new people and stop having to surround myself with jerks.
I wish this thing with Rob never happened. I wish I weren't such a fucking idiot and could express positive feelings in another way besides the word love. I wish I were a more complex, interesting person so I could make new friends.
I hate that I get so sad in the summer, and that I spend so much of the time I should be in the sun at work.
I feel like everyone has more fun then me and when I get out all I want to do is get drunk and hide in my room.
I never seem to accomplish anything. I never seem to do anything I say I will.
I want to start cooking better meals, but I get so fucking distracted i forget everything I say I'm going to do.
I worry that I am making too many enemies, but I'm tired of sitting around and being taken advantage of or letting myself feel bad about the way people treat me. I feel like my entire life in highschool was trying to make other people happy and trying to make sure other people liked me. I am trying to not let my life revolve around other people, but in turn everyone seems to dislike this about me. Me and Danica are no longer friends, me and Garrett are no longer friends, and there are various other people who seem to think I'm some scummy asshole. I will not be quiet. And if that means that I have to lose these people in my life, then I suppose thats how its going to be. I guess at the end of the day I just have to get used to the fact that some people will just never like me, and thats okay if they're bad people.
I have a tendency of wanting people to stay in my life, because part of me will always love them. There is no off switch for my love, even if I fucking dispise people I still have some part of me that cares and loves and wants them to be okay.