(no subject)
everything that has ever happened has been put into perspective and it didn't take a traumatic event, it didn't take anything really, just time. or just losing my mind. whichever came first but it's all still coming at the same time.
i feel like i am sick but i am not really sick.
i just hate having to actually do things.
but doing them bears such great rewards.
i think.
i have yet to actually get there, and who knows if i ever will,
but lately all i ever think about is that life ends. you live it ONCE.
and everybody knows this, and i have always known this, but there is a difference between knowing and actually internalizing, and i can't stop internalizing it more and more. and it makes me sad a lot and i can cry at the thought of a lot of things i used to avoid thinking about before, but i don't anymore, but aside from making me sad it makes me a lot less scared of being alive. and it makes me want to be less hateful but everybody hates a lot of the time because we are selfish and envious and suspicious creatures by nature, but if it's all about survival, once you take survival out of the equation all you're really left with is making something beautiful out of your life. which, either way you live it and it doesn't really matter and it's not really that things are any better than they ever were except life has taught me how to make it a lot less likely to lose the one thing that keeps me sane (which is the love and approval and attention and affection of the man who i want all those things from which isn't exactly healthy and which will certainly come back to haunt me) but living in the present really makes no difference because it is always the present. always. so i am just doing it and i am not really planning ahead. and somehow it just works, but somehow it always did.
i don't remember anything about my life.
(truthfully, i remember everything about the life i lived but it's not MY life anymore because i am not the person who lived all those things and did all those stupid things and felt all those ways that it was so stupid to feel.)
even if i still feel them.
even if i'm still the same deep down, cause we always are.
even if you'll hurt me again and i'll fall to floor and cry and cry.
but my hair is growing longer and all i ever really wanted was to be pretty. what else do you need?
it rains a lot these days and i am tired all the time but i feel like i've been tired all the time most of the time anyway. the more i have to do, the more tired i am.
i don't really want to be great at anything.
i just want to be pretty and i want to be in love constantly forever.
and i will do anything it takes.
consequently, doing whatever it takes has taken me to some pretty rewarding places because you HAVE to love yourself before somebody else can, so i've kind of forced it and i've learned to ignore it when people tell me i'm making a mistake because mistakes come packaged with a lot of benefits almost always. unless you don't make it out of your mistake alive.
but, hey, these things happen.
i want to be done with school because i am so sick of learning. learning has caused me to realize that sometimes you're better off just being ignorant. i had a lot of potential and i used to be really smart when i was younger but being smart is just not for me. i don't want it. i want to sit in a corner and write TERRIBLE poetry and i never want to revisit anything i have ever created and i don't REALLY want to talk to anybody, i'd rather watch TV.
and i DON'T see this as a problem because i don't believe in problems because life is a playground! and even if it's not a playground it might as well be so WHY DOES EVERYONE TAKE EVERYTHING SO DAMN SERIOUSLY?
it makes me want to cry. you cannot escape from the giant waste humanity has made out of the world.
we spend so much time doing SHIT THAT DOESN'T matter.
because almost NOTHING really matters, mostly just love. and smiling.
and i don't know what to do because you can't escape the stupid systems that make life complicated. it shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be so miserable.
if i could quit, oh i would quit. and just go back to the beginning when things were simple like they are supposed to be.
but nothing will ever be simple again, it will all just become more and more complicated until we destroy ourselves.
this is a true story, and even if it's not, it might as well be, because we are all passing days by worrying about things that we'll wish had never crossed our minds when we're close to the end.
we need a revolution so bad, but here i am just writing, just letting the world pass by. here i am being dissatisfied but one day i will not be anymore. one day i will find a way out of this.
there's a difference between intellect and resourcefulness and one matters, the other doesn't, and in the end we'll see whose decisions pay off. you'll see.
as a side note, love songs shouldn't be sad but the best ones always are.
which either serves as proof that i am wrong about everything, or serves as nothing at all.
i feel like i am sick but i am not really sick.
i just hate having to actually do things.
but doing them bears such great rewards.
i think.
i have yet to actually get there, and who knows if i ever will,
but lately all i ever think about is that life ends. you live it ONCE.
and everybody knows this, and i have always known this, but there is a difference between knowing and actually internalizing, and i can't stop internalizing it more and more. and it makes me sad a lot and i can cry at the thought of a lot of things i used to avoid thinking about before, but i don't anymore, but aside from making me sad it makes me a lot less scared of being alive. and it makes me want to be less hateful but everybody hates a lot of the time because we are selfish and envious and suspicious creatures by nature, but if it's all about survival, once you take survival out of the equation all you're really left with is making something beautiful out of your life. which, either way you live it and it doesn't really matter and it's not really that things are any better than they ever were except life has taught me how to make it a lot less likely to lose the one thing that keeps me sane (which is the love and approval and attention and affection of the man who i want all those things from which isn't exactly healthy and which will certainly come back to haunt me) but living in the present really makes no difference because it is always the present. always. so i am just doing it and i am not really planning ahead. and somehow it just works, but somehow it always did.
i don't remember anything about my life.
(truthfully, i remember everything about the life i lived but it's not MY life anymore because i am not the person who lived all those things and did all those stupid things and felt all those ways that it was so stupid to feel.)
even if i still feel them.
even if i'm still the same deep down, cause we always are.
even if you'll hurt me again and i'll fall to floor and cry and cry.
but my hair is growing longer and all i ever really wanted was to be pretty. what else do you need?
it rains a lot these days and i am tired all the time but i feel like i've been tired all the time most of the time anyway. the more i have to do, the more tired i am.
i don't really want to be great at anything.
i just want to be pretty and i want to be in love constantly forever.
and i will do anything it takes.
consequently, doing whatever it takes has taken me to some pretty rewarding places because you HAVE to love yourself before somebody else can, so i've kind of forced it and i've learned to ignore it when people tell me i'm making a mistake because mistakes come packaged with a lot of benefits almost always. unless you don't make it out of your mistake alive.
but, hey, these things happen.
i want to be done with school because i am so sick of learning. learning has caused me to realize that sometimes you're better off just being ignorant. i had a lot of potential and i used to be really smart when i was younger but being smart is just not for me. i don't want it. i want to sit in a corner and write TERRIBLE poetry and i never want to revisit anything i have ever created and i don't REALLY want to talk to anybody, i'd rather watch TV.
and i DON'T see this as a problem because i don't believe in problems because life is a playground! and even if it's not a playground it might as well be so WHY DOES EVERYONE TAKE EVERYTHING SO DAMN SERIOUSLY?
it makes me want to cry. you cannot escape from the giant waste humanity has made out of the world.
we spend so much time doing SHIT THAT DOESN'T matter.
because almost NOTHING really matters, mostly just love. and smiling.
and i don't know what to do because you can't escape the stupid systems that make life complicated. it shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be so miserable.
if i could quit, oh i would quit. and just go back to the beginning when things were simple like they are supposed to be.
but nothing will ever be simple again, it will all just become more and more complicated until we destroy ourselves.
this is a true story, and even if it's not, it might as well be, because we are all passing days by worrying about things that we'll wish had never crossed our minds when we're close to the end.
we need a revolution so bad, but here i am just writing, just letting the world pass by. here i am being dissatisfied but one day i will not be anymore. one day i will find a way out of this.
there's a difference between intellect and resourcefulness and one matters, the other doesn't, and in the end we'll see whose decisions pay off. you'll see.
as a side note, love songs shouldn't be sad but the best ones always are.
which either serves as proof that i am wrong about everything, or serves as nothing at all.