(no subject)
Since all that's happened, I rarely find myself able to be alone for any length of time.
Not because I'm lonely, per se. Because I'm falling apart inside it seems.
I've got the blessing of constant distraction with family, friends and significant others to keep me sane and out of my own head for a while. But once I'm alone I find myself in constant and deep, brooding thought. About anything and everything, but mostly what's happened recently. Everyone I talk to tells me how strong I am and how well I'm doing, but really how AM I doing? I don't even fucking know. I could jump out of my skin or something. I could tear apart this library and set it on fire, and not even blink about it. I feel a strong sense of violence, or malevolence or manic energy inside of me that can't seem to become dispelled. Maybe I'm losing my mind, slowly but surely. Or maybe I've never dealt with a loss this substantial before, and I don't know what I'm doing to deal with it.
Who knows.
I sure as hell don't.
All I know is that I'm here for my mother most of all. She's been through so much in her life, and then on top of that lose her firstborn child. I know that if I break, there will be nothing left of her.
But I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
(or even what that means... "hold on". How am I holding on? What am I holding on to?)
But I'm still here though. One foot after another. One moment after another. Getting through every thought everyday, and hopefully without any negative repercussions.
Just keep going.
One foot after another.
That's all I can do.
At this point, it's all I know how to do.
Because I don't know anything anymore, and maybe I never did.
One foot after another...
Not because I'm lonely, per se. Because I'm falling apart inside it seems.
I've got the blessing of constant distraction with family, friends and significant others to keep me sane and out of my own head for a while. But once I'm alone I find myself in constant and deep, brooding thought. About anything and everything, but mostly what's happened recently. Everyone I talk to tells me how strong I am and how well I'm doing, but really how AM I doing? I don't even fucking know. I could jump out of my skin or something. I could tear apart this library and set it on fire, and not even blink about it. I feel a strong sense of violence, or malevolence or manic energy inside of me that can't seem to become dispelled. Maybe I'm losing my mind, slowly but surely. Or maybe I've never dealt with a loss this substantial before, and I don't know what I'm doing to deal with it.
Who knows.
I sure as hell don't.
All I know is that I'm here for my mother most of all. She's been through so much in her life, and then on top of that lose her firstborn child. I know that if I break, there will be nothing left of her.
But I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
(or even what that means... "hold on". How am I holding on? What am I holding on to?)
But I'm still here though. One foot after another. One moment after another. Getting through every thought everyday, and hopefully without any negative repercussions.
Just keep going.
One foot after another.
That's all I can do.
At this point, it's all I know how to do.
Because I don't know anything anymore, and maybe I never did.
One foot after another...