Lurker's Critique Part Twodollie_lynnJanuary 1 2009, 06:53:20 UTC
Now for your work. (yay the fun part) First off, I admit I'm a novice in flash fiction so unfortunately much of my understanding will be out of (careful) assumption. I think in flash fiction you must accomplish the same task in poetry: to take one small event or characteristic and make it somehow profound without the use of the many advantages of say, a novelist bent on writing hundreds of pages. So the ones that stuck with me the most are Oasis, 1935, and blind date for different reasons. Oasis, which I believe is a naughty bdsm-ish scene between an otherwise normal couple, comes off visual heavy. It has a surplus of adjectives that clouds the reader's perspective. I suppose in a way you were trying to make us really see this interaction but it was pretty distracting. I say take a sharp conscience and chop them off. Also, "Absorbed by the intensity of her reactions" I'm at a lost here because intensity is a wide reaching word and can mean so many different things. It would be much more effective if you were to describe this intensity rather than say it. Intensity of course implies a strong force but by itself is pretty meek.
The same mistake is used throughout this (very long) sentence
"Later, she will yank on her jeans, sucking in her breath as they press against the reminder of when.."
I have to guess this is a bruise or mark (because my dear, spanking is a pasttime) but for someone who doesn't necessarily understand this type of relationship, this would be terribly vague.
"for a short time, she is free of the meltdown of emotions that constitute her internal world... and she gives thanks he is clueless to her duplicity."
The rest of this is filled with vague words. "internal world" I assume is the ever-growing war in the young lady's mind and even though I was able to figure this out, in a first or fifth read this can be lost. Don't be afraid to abandon your thesaurus. Sometimes it's okay to use "troubled mind". I had to look "duplicity" up (hehe, I suck) but it comes up as deception which in a way could bring your story to a whole nother focus. To throw in that she has a troubled mind AND is being deceitful at the end, is a bit much and should be dug in deeper.
“I again questioned my decision to ever let a cat own me.” I like this line a lot
In Blind Date you abused the comma. ( I do this as well. We are ALL so guilty.) And so, the readers must find their way amidst the run-on sentences which again, loses us all. (We don't want to be lost. We want to be amazed by your lovely writing skills. We know they are there.) For this story, I think you tried to draw the parallelism between the innocence of soon to be slaughtered baby cows and rape victims. It worked and yet it didn't work. For my first read I was caught off guard already confused by what was happening in the beginning and then BAM! Rape! Oh my, I never saw it coming but it was a sloppy surprise. I think what this needs isjust careful revision at the beginning. Try not force it so much. Slow it down. You can do it.
1935 in all was my favorite and I think hints of your stronger writing skills.
Sooo....I've talked your ear off, eh? I'm terribly sorry. I hope you get in. My vote doesn't count. It would have been between a “sway” or “yes”. But again it doesn't count. Either way I like you. I know you'd work hard.
Re: Lurker's Critique Part TwoquinanneJanuary 1 2009, 07:18:57 UTC
thanks.
blind date was perhaps, the second or third piece i'd ever written... 1935 was a year later. i'm untrained in every aspect of writing, from critiques to the actual art form. i gut write... and need to learn the art of editing.
thank you for your very honest comments in both areas! glad you lurked. aha!
Re: Lurker's Critique Part Twodollie_lynnJanuary 1 2009, 07:33:50 UTC
I think what would help a lot (and has helped me) is to go to the bookstore and read some how to's. If you go to my application ( I was accepted once then became inactive), you will see I had much of the same concerns as you did.
The Two books I am reading now are: Your First Novel by Ann Rittenburg and Laura Whitcomb Writing fiction by Gotham Writer's Workshop Faculty
The second I believe would be the most helpful if you want to become more serious about writing. :-)
First off, I admit I'm a novice in flash fiction so unfortunately much of my understanding will be out of (careful) assumption.
I think in flash fiction you must accomplish the same task in poetry: to take one small event or characteristic and make it somehow profound without the use of the many advantages of say, a novelist bent on writing hundreds of pages.
So the ones that stuck with me the most are Oasis, 1935, and blind date for different reasons.
Oasis, which I believe is a naughty bdsm-ish scene between an otherwise normal couple, comes off visual heavy. It has a surplus of adjectives that clouds the reader's perspective. I suppose in a way you were trying to make us really see this interaction but it was pretty distracting. I say take a sharp conscience and chop them off.
Also,
"Absorbed by the intensity of her reactions"
I'm at a lost here because intensity is a wide reaching word and can mean so many different things. It would be much more effective if you were to describe this intensity rather than say it. Intensity of course implies a strong force but by itself is pretty meek.
The same mistake is used throughout this (very long) sentence
"Later, she will yank on her jeans, sucking in her breath as they press against the reminder of when.."
I have to guess this is a bruise or mark (because my dear, spanking is a pasttime) but for someone who doesn't necessarily understand this type of relationship, this would be terribly vague.
"for a short time, she is free of the meltdown of emotions that constitute her internal world... and she gives thanks he is clueless to her duplicity."
The rest of this is filled with vague words. "internal world" I assume is the ever-growing war in the young lady's mind and even though I was able to figure this out, in a first or fifth read this can be lost. Don't be afraid to abandon your thesaurus. Sometimes it's okay to use "troubled mind". I had to look "duplicity" up (hehe, I suck) but it comes up as deception which in a way could bring your story to a whole nother focus. To throw in that she has a troubled mind AND is being deceitful at the end, is a bit much and should be dug in deeper.
“I again questioned my decision to ever let a cat own me.”
I like this line a lot
In Blind Date you abused the comma. ( I do this as well. We are ALL so guilty.)
And so, the readers must find their way amidst the run-on sentences which again, loses us all. (We don't want to be lost. We want to be amazed by your lovely writing skills. We know they are there.)
For this story, I think you tried to draw the parallelism between the innocence of soon to be slaughtered baby cows and rape victims. It worked and yet it didn't work. For my first read I was caught off guard already confused by what was happening in the beginning and then BAM! Rape! Oh my, I never saw it coming but it was a sloppy surprise. I think what this needs isjust careful revision at the beginning. Try not force it so much. Slow it down. You can do it.
1935 in all was my favorite and I think hints of your stronger writing skills.
Sooo....I've talked your ear off, eh?
I'm terribly sorry.
I hope you get in. My vote doesn't count.
It would have been between a “sway” or “yes”.
But again it doesn't count.
Either way I like you.
I know you'd work hard.
Reply
blind date was perhaps, the second or third piece i'd ever written... 1935 was a year later. i'm untrained in every aspect of writing, from critiques to the actual art form. i gut write... and need to learn the art of editing.
thank you for your very honest comments in both areas! glad you lurked. aha!
Reply
The Two books I am reading now are:
Your First Novel by Ann Rittenburg and Laura Whitcomb
Writing fiction by Gotham Writer's Workshop Faculty
The second I believe would be the most helpful if you want to become more serious about writing. :-)
Reply
Reply
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