critique continuedfirstredmoonSeptember 17 2008, 09:38:04 UTC
this sentence was the clearest moment of the piece where i could really get a visual: 'and granted her blue Celica unrestricted passage to a smooth, dark asphalt river running between banks of beautiful green grass.' i think it's also the most natural, unselfconscious part of the piece. if you could bring more of that kind of writing in, i think this piece would greatly improve. a good moment in dialogue and simple, direct action: '"Nah, I just come to watch all those asses move back and forth." She pulled a paddle out of her backpack with a mischievous grin. "I bring these for the naughty ones."' lovely, and funny. 2) i don't really get why xiaoling fakes her accent -- what's that about ? i didn't get it, and many readers won't. it needs to be explained somehow. grammatical stuff: i'm a little perplexed as to why you use 'had been' in the first paragraph, instead of 'was'. it's unconventional in a way that doesn't add to the story, in fact i found it kind of distracting. some minor points: 'And a good back end, yum!' this is unnecessary as we get the innuendo of the backhand. 'could've been the epitome of thousands of years of Chinese genetic evolution' are you sure you mean epitome ? do you mean 'culmination' ? 'end point' ? 'black as hatred and straight as love' the black as hatred part is good, but straight as love doesn't work for me. it's especially confusing since anna isn't straight. also, i'm not sure anyone says 'lesbian' like that. it's usually either 'i wish i was a lesbian', or 'i wish i was gay'. only the older generation says 'is she lesbian ?' in my experience. 'Scouts, no doubt. I'll show them...I'll show her...' 'I'll show them...I'll show her...' isn't really necessary at this point -- the sneer says it all. 'Mai and Xiaoling extended their hand for the traditional handshake as high school and college journalists were capturing this once in a lifetime calm-before-the-storm that had been long-brewing between the two up and coming ping pong greats.' this sentence is far too long. i got lost. 'The crowd let out various exasperations of amazement.' i don't think 'exasperations' is the word you're looking for here. exclamations? expressions? overall, i'm saying yes, because you seem very intelligent, active in other communities, and like you'd contribute a lot, and improve, by being here.
Re: critique continuedthefaewaySeptember 17 2008, 10:13:59 UTC
Thanks for the critique as it's the first thorough response I've had from this piece and it's the one most needing, I think. Even though you recommended submitting 'best work' :D
I completely agree with much of the first comment. A lot of what I wrote needs to be fixed and each time I read it I see many of the same lines you've pointed out. Or one of the much smaller critiques has mentioned the same thing (re: the August heat line).
My use of 'had been' (and contractions thereof) over 'was' are due the fact that 'was' would reflect a 'present/past' whereas the narrative meant to imply that it was past tense even more than regular past. Ew that statement was long and convoluted. I hope you understand it; I'm not sure I do. :D
re: the backhand/back end. I did have one other comment concerning this but it was not clarified the way you have done. I believe I must agree with you.
epitome: No. I mean epitome. Culmination or end point is not necessarily the epitome of something. I used epitome to make her 'perfect'. The other two statements could imply this, or simply indicate that's what we presently have. In my mind it's just as likely that and end point is not as perfect as somewhere in the middle and that's why I chose epitome. :)
re the scouts thoughts. I'm writing about a 15/16 year old girl involved in a pretty big deal (to her) with a very strong opponent who is a jerk. I am not any of the above but I thought it was more realistic, have you some personal experience otherwise? I admit I did not run this by anyone in those situations. :D
I agree with some other comments and disagree with some others. I will certainly do a more thorough edit when the time comes (which is soon). I'll try to be more careful with the crits as I tend to get into it and a few somewhat abrasive personality traits come through.
i forgot to add...thefaewaySeptember 17 2008, 10:18:27 UTC
I must have left it out of the story itself...
the two characters are...erm... strange opposites, I guess. Mai was born in Vietnam (I wrote a companion piece suggestion she was 9 when she immigrated) but sheds her Asian persona in favor of Americanism. Xiaoling, on the other hand, was born in the USA but clings desperately to the stereotypes of FOB Asians. That would be why Xiaoling fakes it.
unt!
Those first few paragraphs haven't been edited, actually. I wasn't trying for anything different, it just came out that way. *shrug* I should probably fix it, though, since I don't do much of that sort of writing elsewhere in the piece, I don't think.
Re: i forgot to add...firstredmoonSeptember 17 2008, 10:24:58 UTC
with the epitome thing, it's just an unusual way of using the word, and it didn't work for me, so it stuck out in such a way that made me wonder if you had the right word. for me, culmination would work better because 3000 years of evolution, which suggests 3000 years of improvements and refinements, already implies perfection. but ask other people's opinion on that, it could just be my own preference. likewise, ask someone else about the 'has been' because it still sounds weird to me :D
well, i feel that the scouts thoughts are obvious from the sneer alone and the experience we've had of mai, listening to her and anna talk. i think it's better left unsaid, it's more subtle. i've definitely been an asian (indian) 15/16 year old with a nemesis who i was very competitive with :D, and that is absolutely the kind of thought you have, but it only works in a story if you're using the voice of the character to narrate the story.
yes, you definitely don't bring that theme out enough in the piece i don't think ! we totally get mai being americanised, but i didn't get why xiaoling would cling to the stereotype like that. what's in it for her ? i guess because we see xiaoling through mai's eyes, it's difficult to understand her. so her reason for doing that needs to be suggested somehow.
Re: i forgot to add...thefaewaySeptember 17 2008, 10:33:19 UTC
The whole idea behind survival of the fittest is that somewhere there have been unfit evolutionary lines. ;) It's just semantics at this point, and I suppose culmination could work just as well.
Well I'm glad I got the 15/16 year old Asian (Indian, Russian, *shrug*) thing figured out. :D I will run it by my brain a few times and see if it sounds better the way you have suggested.
I think, maybe, it's just as well that we don't understand Xiaoling's motivations. Most people who read this have commented that Mai deserves to win because, well, Xiaoling is just so rude. You're the first person to question Xiaoling's motivations and I guess that's sort of what I wanted. I gave her a character we don't understand and some people judge her for it and some people don't. :)
Oh..I am very pleased to have had the response to this piece. As I said, most just gush at it's wonderfulness and give me a couple statements that were confusing. So...this is really what I was hoping to get and I am certainly going to reply for any types of verification or further discussion to make it a better piece. :)
a good moment in dialogue and simple, direct action:
'"Nah, I just come to watch all those asses move back and forth." She pulled a paddle out of her backpack with a mischievous grin. "I bring these for the naughty ones."' lovely, and funny.
2) i don't really get why xiaoling fakes her accent -- what's that about ? i didn't get it, and many readers won't. it needs to be explained somehow.
grammatical stuff:
i'm a little perplexed as to why you use 'had been' in the first paragraph, instead of 'was'. it's unconventional in a way that doesn't add to the story, in fact i found it kind of distracting.
some minor points:
'And a good back end, yum!' this is unnecessary as we get the innuendo of the backhand.
'could've been the epitome of thousands of years of Chinese genetic evolution' are you sure you mean epitome ? do you mean 'culmination' ? 'end point' ?
'black as hatred and straight as love'
the black as hatred part is good, but straight as love doesn't work for me. it's especially confusing since anna isn't straight.
also, i'm not sure anyone says 'lesbian' like that. it's usually either 'i wish i was a lesbian', or 'i wish i was gay'. only the older generation says 'is she lesbian ?' in my experience.
'Scouts, no doubt. I'll show them...I'll show her...'
'I'll show them...I'll show her...' isn't really necessary at this point -- the sneer says it all.
'Mai and Xiaoling extended their hand for the traditional handshake as high school and college journalists were capturing this once in a lifetime calm-before-the-storm that had been long-brewing between the two up and coming ping pong greats.' this sentence is far too long. i got lost.
'The crowd let out various exasperations of amazement.' i don't think 'exasperations' is the word you're looking for here. exclamations? expressions?
overall, i'm saying yes, because you seem very intelligent, active in other communities, and like you'd contribute a lot, and improve, by being here.
cheers !
Reply
I completely agree with much of the first comment. A lot of what I wrote needs to be fixed and each time I read it I see many of the same lines you've pointed out. Or one of the much smaller critiques has mentioned the same thing (re: the August heat line).
My use of 'had been' (and contractions thereof) over 'was' are due the fact that 'was' would reflect a 'present/past' whereas the narrative meant to imply that it was past tense even more than regular past. Ew that statement was long and convoluted. I hope you understand it; I'm not sure I do. :D
re: the backhand/back end. I did have one other comment concerning this but it was not clarified the way you have done. I believe I must agree with you.
epitome: No. I mean epitome. Culmination or end point is not necessarily the epitome of something. I used epitome to make her 'perfect'. The other two statements could imply this, or simply indicate that's what we presently have. In my mind it's just as likely that and end point is not as perfect as somewhere in the middle and that's why I chose epitome. :)
re the scouts thoughts. I'm writing about a 15/16 year old girl involved in a pretty big deal (to her) with a very strong opponent who is a jerk. I am not any of the above but I thought it was more realistic, have you some personal experience otherwise? I admit I did not run this by anyone in those situations. :D
I agree with some other comments and disagree with some others. I will certainly do a more thorough edit when the time comes (which is soon). I'll try to be more careful with the crits as I tend to get into it and a few somewhat abrasive personality traits come through.
Thanks again for the double-comment crit. :)
Reply
the two characters are...erm... strange opposites, I guess. Mai was born in Vietnam (I wrote a companion piece suggestion she was 9 when she immigrated) but sheds her Asian persona in favor of Americanism. Xiaoling, on the other hand, was born in the USA but clings desperately to the stereotypes of FOB Asians. That would be why Xiaoling fakes it.
unt!
Those first few paragraphs haven't been edited, actually. I wasn't trying for anything different, it just came out that way. *shrug* I should probably fix it, though, since I don't do much of that sort of writing elsewhere in the piece, I don't think.
Reply
well, i feel that the scouts thoughts are obvious from the sneer alone and the experience we've had of mai, listening to her and anna talk. i think it's better left unsaid, it's more subtle. i've definitely been an asian (indian) 15/16 year old with a nemesis who i was very competitive with :D, and that is absolutely the kind of thought you have, but it only works in a story if you're using the voice of the character to narrate the story.
yes, you definitely don't bring that theme out enough in the piece i don't think ! we totally get mai being americanised, but i didn't get why xiaoling would cling to the stereotype like that. what's in it for her ? i guess because we see xiaoling through mai's eyes, it's difficult to understand her. so her reason for doing that needs to be suggested somehow.
thanks for your reply :)
Reply
Reply
Well I'm glad I got the 15/16 year old Asian (Indian, Russian, *shrug*) thing figured out. :D I will run it by my brain a few times and see if it sounds better the way you have suggested.
I think, maybe, it's just as well that we don't understand Xiaoling's motivations. Most people who read this have commented that Mai deserves to win because, well, Xiaoling is just so rude. You're the first person to question Xiaoling's motivations and I guess that's sort of what I wanted. I gave her a character we don't understand and some people judge her for it and some people don't. :)
Oh..I am very pleased to have had the response to this piece. As I said, most just gush at it's wonderfulness and give me a couple statements that were confusing. So...this is really what I was hoping to get and I am certainly going to reply for any types of verification or further discussion to make it a better piece. :)
Reply
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