your critique was very short. you made three points, and only one of them was a constructive suggestion. 'i like it' is definitely a good thing to say in a critique, but in an application it would have been better for you to find a piece you thought was lacking, and to critique that. that way you would have demonstrated your knowledge of good writing, and your ability to help weaker writers. i'd like to see you apply again with a better critique :)
your piece:
i feel that the character never really lives. we don't see what she looks like, and she never seems to have much of a personality, apart from that she's remembering the first time she met her boyfriend (lover? husband?), and that she's heartbroken. these aren't very interesting things to read about unless you give her a bit of personality.
'the fickleness of her gender' ? what's that about ? i don't think you can drop a bomb like that, a sweeping generalisation of a bomb, without qualifying it with an example of the main character's observations of girls her age, for example. otherwise it sounds like the writer's observation, and therefore sounds sexist (no matter what gender you are).
some of your sentence constructions are oddly formal, which, when contrasted with the bit about the snakebite, seems a tad absurd. sometimes we think formal sentence constructions make good writing, but often language closer to the way we speak it, especially when describing someone's point of view like you are, flows a lot better, and we can really identify with the character.
example: 'Would she never rid her thoughts of him? She had hardly thought it possible that anyone could shake her world so powerfully.'
because of the formal sentence constructions, i never really felt like i could get to know the character, because the writing kept drawing attention to itself.
you could definitely develop this piece into something much better, by adding colour and personality. i think a good exercise for you would be to rewrite this in the first person, giving it the character's voice. even if you don't ultimately keep it that way, it'll let the character live and it'll give you a better idea of who she really is, and how to work that into the story. let her do what she wants and say what she wants -- at the moment you seem to have her under tight control. if that makes sense.
and then, you could write down everything you know about this character, just brainstorm ideas -- where did she grow up, how old is she, what does she look like, if someone came to her looking for a fight would she yell at them or walk away, what's her favourite food, what kind of clothes does she wear... these ideas may never make it into your story but they will inform your writing and give her life.
i'd be interested in seeing a reworking of this piece, and some of your other writing. my advice is, if you don't get in, stay on as a lurker and apply again in a month or so :)
Fair enough. I have to admit I applied on an impulse. And after really looking at the quality of the posts throughout the rest of the community, I am definately wishing I'd given a little more thought to my application.
I would call this a "high and mighty, look at my abstract sentence formations" piece; not my best idea. Next time I'll definately go for a more down to earth piece.
As far as my critique, I began twitching at my own stupidity a mere three hours later. You'll definately be hearing from me again if I'm not accepted this time. ;)
your piece:
i feel that the character never really lives. we don't see what she looks like, and she never seems to have much of a personality, apart from that she's remembering the first time she met her boyfriend (lover? husband?), and that she's heartbroken. these aren't very interesting things to read about unless you give her a bit of personality.
'the fickleness of her gender' ? what's that about ? i don't think you can drop a bomb like that, a sweeping generalisation of a bomb, without qualifying it with an example of the main character's observations of girls her age, for example. otherwise it sounds like the writer's observation, and therefore sounds sexist (no matter what gender you are).
some of your sentence constructions are oddly formal, which, when contrasted with the bit about the snakebite, seems a tad absurd. sometimes we think formal sentence constructions make good writing, but often language closer to the way we speak it, especially when describing someone's point of view like you are, flows a lot better, and we can really identify with the character.
example:
'Would she never rid her thoughts of him? She had hardly thought it possible that anyone could shake her world so powerfully.'
because of the formal sentence constructions, i never really felt like i could get to know the character, because the writing kept drawing attention to itself.
you could definitely develop this piece into something much better, by adding colour and personality. i think a good exercise for you would be to rewrite this in the first person, giving it the character's voice. even if you don't ultimately keep it that way, it'll let the character live and it'll give you a better idea of who she really is, and how to work that into the story. let her do what she wants and say what she wants -- at the moment you seem to have her under tight control. if that makes sense.
and then, you could write down everything you know about this character, just brainstorm ideas -- where did she grow up, how old is she, what does she look like, if someone came to her looking for a fight would she yell at them or walk away, what's her favourite food, what kind of clothes does she wear... these ideas may never make it into your story but they will inform your writing and give her life.
i'd be interested in seeing a reworking of this piece, and some of your other writing. my advice is, if you don't get in, stay on as a lurker and apply again in a month or so :)
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I would call this a "high and mighty, look at my abstract sentence formations" piece; not my best idea. Next time I'll definately go for a more down to earth piece.
As far as my critique, I began twitching at my own stupidity a mere three hours later. You'll definately be hearing from me again if I'm not accepted this time. ;)
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