(no subject)
My mom never fails to make me feel like crap. She just came down here to yell at me, as usual. And what were the topics?: how fat I am, how lazy I am, how I never take my medicine (yes I do, just some days I forget, it's not the end of the world) and that if I ever feel depressed, she wont care and will ignore me, and how I just don't do anything right.
People wonder why I'm depressed, well, there you are. My family, for starters. I can't go ANYWHERE in my house without my family members saying how fat I am, how ugly I am, looking at me like I'm the most disgusting thing they've ever seen. 'Eewww' is rather common. As well as my mom walking up to me, grabbing/poking at my stomach and saying how I'm gaining weight and I look fat/horrible. I feel like SHIT around here. I can't be anywhere without being chastized. I just want to scream, I KNOW I'M UGLY, I KNOW I'M FAT, STOP RUBBING IT IN. I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday. But it doesn't matter. I said that to my mom and she doesn't listen. Just continues to make me feel like horse shit. She complains because I'm in my room so much and that I sleep too much (or she THINKS I'm sleeping--half the time I'm either trying to, or pretending so she'll just go away). Well, newsflash mom, I go to my room to get away from YOU and the rest of this PSYCHO FAMILY. I sleep because that is the one place I can get away and be me. Or it's because I've taken my meds for the muscle spasms in my head (that feel like someone is stabbing my head with needles and icepicks) which make me sleepy.
Why can't I just be accepted? by my family, my friends? I don't even know who my friends are anymore, if I even have any. I just feel utterly and completely alone.
And when I'm depressed I'm even more unlikely to have friends because no one can stand me, especially when I'm depressed. But not having friends is one of the reasons I am depressed. It's this sick cycle. I can't take it anymore!
I was really looking forward to this summer, but so far, it's just been horrible. I don't know why I put so much hope into something when I know it wont turn out in the end. It only makes the hurt worse.
Gawl, I sound like some super-emo kid. *sigh*
well, I'm tired of writing. crying sucks.
Now you all can start your comments about how I'm so damn depressing all the time and to just get over it. I swear to God if any of you have comments like that I will shoot myself in the face. I am SO SICK OF IT.
bye.
" So let the sadness come again
on that you can depend on me
until the bitter, bitter end of the world
when God sleeps in bliss
And I'm all by myself
as I've always felt
and I'll betray myself
To anyone."
People wonder why I'm depressed, well, there you are. My family, for starters. I can't go ANYWHERE in my house without my family members saying how fat I am, how ugly I am, looking at me like I'm the most disgusting thing they've ever seen. 'Eewww' is rather common. As well as my mom walking up to me, grabbing/poking at my stomach and saying how I'm gaining weight and I look fat/horrible. I feel like SHIT around here. I can't be anywhere without being chastized. I just want to scream, I KNOW I'M UGLY, I KNOW I'M FAT, STOP RUBBING IT IN. I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday. But it doesn't matter. I said that to my mom and she doesn't listen. Just continues to make me feel like horse shit. She complains because I'm in my room so much and that I sleep too much (or she THINKS I'm sleeping--half the time I'm either trying to, or pretending so she'll just go away). Well, newsflash mom, I go to my room to get away from YOU and the rest of this PSYCHO FAMILY. I sleep because that is the one place I can get away and be me. Or it's because I've taken my meds for the muscle spasms in my head (that feel like someone is stabbing my head with needles and icepicks) which make me sleepy.
Why can't I just be accepted? by my family, my friends? I don't even know who my friends are anymore, if I even have any. I just feel utterly and completely alone.
And when I'm depressed I'm even more unlikely to have friends because no one can stand me, especially when I'm depressed. But not having friends is one of the reasons I am depressed. It's this sick cycle. I can't take it anymore!
I was really looking forward to this summer, but so far, it's just been horrible. I don't know why I put so much hope into something when I know it wont turn out in the end. It only makes the hurt worse.
Gawl, I sound like some super-emo kid. *sigh*
well, I'm tired of writing. crying sucks.
Now you all can start your comments about how I'm so damn depressing all the time and to just get over it. I swear to God if any of you have comments like that I will shoot myself in the face. I am SO SICK OF IT.
bye.
" So let the sadness come again
on that you can depend on me
until the bitter, bitter end of the world
when God sleeps in bliss
And I'm all by myself
as I've always felt
and I'll betray myself
To anyone."