realization
we are more alike than anyone thinks. i wish i could hug her. cry with her. forget anythign ever happend. but in reality i cant do any of it. my life is still a mess. but i now realize im in control. when mat left i didnt know what to do with myself. for a while i didnt know what to do. so i kept fucking up. but messing up just ends up hurting you and the people you care about or people you never thought would care. im sorry to all those ive hurt. but i can promise you that i have hurt more this year than i have ever thought i could feel. when things get better they just get worse. so im in control and its time to start making some smart decisions. for myself and not anyone else. not to prove to anyone. but to prove to myself that all the pain wasnt in vain. i did learn i just dotn know how to show that i learned. i learned because im still being punished. and things will never in my life be the same. not with you atleast and for your whole life you will look back and only remember one thing. but im starting to care less because she really cares now. heres to the future with me. because in the end its just me. and ill be left. im scared. but im tired of living the way i was living. i want to turn over a new leaf. and not be bitter but realize and be nice but smart. to want to feel again when the time is right. to stand up to the beast inside me that always ruins things. i feel like i shouldve changed a long time ago. i just didnt know how. and i still dont i just know i have to. if i ever want to be happy.