[FANFIC] TaekHwan - Charades
CHARADES
PG-13
[VIXX] LEO/KEN
ANGST. HURT/COMFORT
3100~W
a/n: crossposting from AFF. Originally posted in AFF on October 2013. Wrote this because I felt like Ken has been avoiding Leo lately. Ever since On&On promotions, I felt that they grew apart somehow. And thus the fic.
a/n #2: for those who don't know, 'charades' is the name of the game where one person does actions/gestures to enact something and someone else tries to guess what the person is acting out. The story has nothing to do with the game though, I just felt that it was fitting.
a/n #3: this story is set sometime after Plan V Diary and before hyde comeback. But it can also be seen in the time after their hyde promotions and before G.R.8.U.
a/n #4: this is the last one i swear. The story turned out different than what I intended so I'm not entirely happy with it... Hope you enjoy still! ♥
*
"Home sweet home."
The members of VIXX breathed out in relief, finally back to the dorm after one tiring day of schedules. Wonshik went straight to his room slash closet to crash into sleep, while Sanghyuk ran to the bathroom to do his business which he had been holding in since their ride back home. Jaehwan had collapsed face-first on the couch the second they arrived, so the manager could only tell the remaining members about their schedules for the next day. He later dismissed them and told them to get some rest while they still had the time. "Yes, hyung." The boys chorused obediently.
Hongbin stretched his arms as he yawned, before trudging sleepily to their shared room to change. "I don't want dinner." The visual announced groggily, earning a disapproving noise from their leader.
"You need to eat, even if it's just a little bit, Hongbin-ah, your body is the most sensitive when it comes to this. And Jung Taekwoon! Stop snacking and get cooking, will you? Get that candy bar out of your mouth this instance!"
Jaehwan groaned on the couch, Hackyeon was being unbelievably loud that it was just impossible for him to fall asleep right away. He lolled his head to the side slightly to steal a peek, wondering what the leader was fussing about. The main vocal caught sight of his fellow vocalist, currently munching on half of a candy bar as he walked towards him. Jaehwan grunted as he reluctantly lifted himself from the comfy couch. He sleepily rushed to their shared room while rubbing his eyes, accidentally bumping into a grumbling Hongbin, who had just finished changing, in the doorway.
"I'm going to bed!" Jaehwan shouted, though mostly he was notifying the leader. Hackyeon's eyes went wide with disapproval, and the dorm was filled with the leader's loud nagging once again.
"Yah Lee Jaehwan, don't you dare sleep without washing up first, you sleep right next to me! Sanghyuk-ah, open up! How long does it take you to pee? Other people has to use the bathroom too you know, and you still have to do the dishes! Hongbin-ah, please do the laundries before you cook! Goddamnit, why don't any of you listen to me?!"
Jaehwan walked to his side of the room and laid out the mattress previously rolled somewhat neatly by the wall. He dropped himself onto the makeshift bed, not bothering to change into his sleeping wear as he buried his face into the pillow, resting his tired body. Jaehwan let out a content sigh, relieved that finally he'd be able to drift into the sleep he so badly needed. Soft sounds of footsteps entered his ears and Jaehwan was determined to ignore whoever it was. He silently wished it was Hongbin who came to get his stuff or Sanghyuk who came to change or just not anyone who'd come to bother him. Jaehwan was close to falling into slumber when a very familiar voice echoed his name in the room.
"Jaehwan-ah."
Taekwoon stared at the lump in front of him, his fellow vocalist was sprawled on the futon, probably too lazy to even fix the One Piece-themed quilts he had claimed to be his ‘cant-sleep-without-it’ item. The younger boy didn't even flinch when Taekwoon called him but the pokerfaced boy knew better.
"Jaehwan-ah." Taekwoon called again, but once more gained zero response from the other boy. For a second, Taekwoon had considered the thought that Jaehwan was really asleep, but then his ears caught the obviously fake snores the younger boy was making and honestly, Jaehwan was an idiot if he thought he'd buy it.
Rolling his eyes, Taekwoon nonchalantly gave the younger boy a harsh kick to his back, causing him to moan and curl up in pain. The older boy padded across the mattress and made himself comfortable by the wall, his legs stretched beside Jaehwan's lying body.
The younger vocalist grumbled in annoyance as he rolled on his side, giving Taekwoon his back. "I'm trying to sleep here, Hyung." Jaehwan stated, irritation clearly evident even in his slightly muffled voice.
"But you're not." Taekwoon stated a matter-of-factly with not even the slightest hint of guilt. There was an annoyed scoff coming from Jaehwan and normally Taekwoon would hit him for it but the stoic boy decided to let it slide this time, for his real intention of disturbing the younger boy's much needed sleep time was a bigger issue than his lack of manners. The older vocalist took a deep breath as he mustered the courage to say it out loud, he knew it was a now or never situation because they might not have a time like this again with their upcoming album release getting nearer.
"Why are you like this?"
Jaehwan tensed, a painful pang striking his chest as he heard the words. It was a very simple question, and it could be interpreted in so many ways, but he knew, he knew what Taekwoon was asking, he knew what Taekwoon had meant. The younger boy swallowed bitterly as the question echoed in his head, the veiled sorrow in his hyung's usually calm voice when he asked the question made his heart hurt too much.
Taekwoon watched as Jaehwan turned to his other side, his hand now loosely draped over the older boy's stretched legs, the mop of brown hair was brushing against the stoic boy's clothed knees, completely covering his face from Taekwoon's point of view. For a while it was just silent, just light noises of their breathing and Hackyeon's nagging in the background, and Taekwoon didn't know if he should be prepared to be relieved or to be disappointed.
"Because," Jaehwan's unique voice was the one to break the silence. "I can't be Ken, the funny guy of VIXX, but also Jaehwan, who cares about you too much at the same time." There was a pause where Jaehwan scooted a bit closer to Taekwoon's legs and his hands curled into loose fists, stiff and hovering awkwardly above the older boy’s shin.
"I have to choose."
Taekwoon felt himself gulp as the bitter realization hit him on full force. Was he... that much trouble? Taekwoon had known from the beginning that it would be hard for him to fit in the 'idol' environment, where he had to be loud, and funny, and entertaining, because that's what makes a group succeed and do well in the industry, despite how talented you could be. It was difficult for Taekwoon, for he was none of the above, and he had had too many internal struggles to be any, for he wanted to be known for who he was and not who he should be. It was too embarrassing for him to do things out of his character, but that was the only way to gain attention and appreciation and fans that would love and support him and make all his hard work worth it.
In all honesty, Taekwoon wasn't particularly confident in anything besides soccer and singing. It wasn't that Taekwoon was anti-social, it was just that he felt that he never exactly knew the right words to say, he envied people who speak well while he often end up stumbling on his words from trying to form an appropriate speech to get his point across.
He was a bit relieved when their very small fandom since MyDol accepted his cool personality and the company set that as a concept, so he could use it as an excuse when truthfully inside his heart was hammering in uneasiness. But the demand of him to be more active grew with time and he has been struggling to keep up with it. And that was why Taekwoon had always been so grateful to have Jaehwan, and Hackyeon, and Wonshik, and Hongbin, and Sanghyuk, although mostly Jaehwan because Jaehwan helped him get used to the spotlight.
Jaehwan deliberately dragged him in his jokes, made him the object to make fun of so people would pay more attention to him. More than often, Taekwoon wanted to strangle his bandmate for constantly embarrassing him but when he hears the fans' laughter and squeals from seeing his spontaneous reactions, he felt a little spark of contentment. The other members do it too, but they still gave Taekwoon the time to escape (although occasionally he couldn't because there was Hackyeon who uses force and abuses his position as the leader and his best friend) while Jaehwan's jokes forced him to deal with it, whether he liked it or not. It was something he was both annoyed and thankful at.
But lately, ever since their popularity began to rise, Jaehwan has been a bit... distant. It was like he was restraining himself from anything related to Taekwoon, and it felt weird for the older vocalist to stand in front of the camera without the bubbly boy disturbing him not even once. The other members (the dongsaeng line, especially) were having way too much fun in taking over that role, but despite feeling glad that they finally warmed up to him, Taekwoon couldn't brush off the strange feeling of not having Jaehwan take joy of his misery. It felt like the boy had given up on him, and Taekwoon couldn't explain the unpleasant feeling attacking his chest whenever Jaehwan's smile would fall because of something--something related to him. And that has happened a number of times in the past months.
Was Jaehwan... tired? Sick of him? Sick of his inability to showcase his own self? Sick of helping someone who kept not doing anything yet managed to have the second biggest fanbase while Jaehwan has to work twice harder and tries everything to get more attention? Taekwoon could feel his saliva turn awfully bitter.
Jaehwan peeked from beneath his bangs and caught Taekwoon’s lost and bemused expression, the older boy’s pupils shifting from one spot to another as if he was trying to find answers that were never even there. Jaehwan tore his gaze away, his hand inching away bit by bit in hopes of going unnoticed but his palm had brushed against Taekwoon’s knees so the younger vocalist swiftly rolled over to his other side, fearing that the other boy had seen his escape. A few minutes passed without any signs of movements or any hints of voices, and Jaehwan internally let out a sigh of relief, thankful that he had been granted the time to collect his own thoughts.
Was Taekwoon mad? He didn’t think it was obvious, or at least, he tried not to make it so obvious, but Jaehwan wasn’t the best at hiding his emotions. He wasn’t Taekwoon who could stand in front of the camera and put on a straight face for six hours straight. Why would Taekwoon be mad, though? If anything, he should be relieved. He wouldn’t have to deal with Jaehwan who would shove his face to the cameras. He didn’t need Jaehwan to shove his face to the cameras anyway. Taekwoon didn’t need to do anything at all to gain their fans’ love. Jaehwan’s assistance (all his efforts, the sleepless nights spent thinking on how to put Taekwoon under the spotlight) wasn’t even necessary-at. all.
Taking a deep breath, Jaehwan braced himself to spill the weight of burden he had been keeping in, the words he thought he would never actually say-until this moment.
"You're doing well Hyung," The boy said. He could clearly picture Taekwoon promptly moving his head to look at him--probably startled, probably curious. Jaehwan closed his eyes and smiled solemnly. "Leo... is the responsibility of the group."
Not mine.
Jaehwan didn't say it, but Taekwoon could hear it, loud and clear. It echoed in his ears as if Jaehwan had yelled them out, and it hurt terribly bad as if Jaehwan had stabbed him right on the heart.
No… This--This wasn't right. He didn't want it to be like this. Jaehwan didn't understand how much it mattered to Taekwoon, how much he mattered to him.
Taekwoon knew he had to say something, fast, or else Jaehwan would slip out of his fingers and escape forever. A million letters, a thousand words, and a hundred sentences ran through his head all at once, he had so much to say but his voice cord wouldn't cooperate, his tongue refusing to articulate.
Jaehwan-ah, don't.
That's not how it is.
I'm sorry I've been a burden.
You know I didn't mean it.
I can't do it without you…
Taekwoon fumbled with the thoughts in his head as he made a move to grab Jaehwan's wrists and turned him flat on his back. The younger boy winced and cried in pain, and Taekwoon’s heart wrenched in pain when he got a good look at his bandmate's face.
Jaehwan's eyes were red, glassy, a lone tear falling from one edge, trailing down his temple. His brown orbs were narrowing insistently, as if it would help prevent the droplets of water from forming. His lips were slightly agape as they curved downwards in a frown, the rows of teeth clenched, holding back emotions that should have been unleashed. Taekwoon studied him entirely, and he only now noticed how Jaehwan’s skin seemed to have lost its initial light, traces of make-up and dust still evident and there were large dark bags marring the skin beneath his eyes. Jaehwan looked sad, and exhausted, and depressed, and annoyed, and Taekwoon felt a hard punch to his gut because he knew he--he was one of the causes.
Jaehwan had only stared back at him before the older boy could feel him slowly wriggling to free his wrists from the tight grip. Jaehwan was equally strong and Taekwoon was silently panicking as he saw the younger boy gritting his teeth to focus his strength, his eyebrows knitting in concentration, but the frown--the frown and exhaustion were still there, still glaring back at him, constantly reminding him of his faults.
Taekwoon battled with the words running through his head, struggling to find the right ones to right the wrongs, but as Jaehwan's wrist slipped out his hold, Taekwoon chose to return to the one thing in life he understood a little bit too well.
Actions speak louder than words.
Jaehwan gasped when he felt the older vocalist's lips suddenly meeting his. It wasn't sweet, or chaste, or loving, but it was everything else that it shouldn't: terrified, hopeless, desperate. Jaehwan let his hands go slack as Taekwoon's fingers found his wrists once more, gripping them immensely tight that nails were pressed into skin. He could feel the older boy trembling through his hold, as if he was determined to keep the former where he was (there, next to him), as if he was scared he would fall and collapse and crumble without.
Jaehwan made a small cry, his half-lidded eyes watched how the older man assault his lips with such desperation and fear in a clumsy open-mouthed kiss, and in between the short seconds Taekwoon pulled away to breathe out his name (“Jaehwan-ah----“), Jaehwan read through the actions and caught the message that was so badly trying to be conveyed.
I need you.
Taekwoon broke the kiss after guilt slowly came back to eat him alive. It was dumb, how much he had been using the younger boy for his own benefit and yet, here he was doing it again. He maintained the close distance their faces, lingering just for a little while before giving the younger boy more personal space. The sounds of their heavy breathing filled Taekwoon's ears like a broken melody and he dreaded for the moment of revelation when he opened his eyes.
Jaehwan was staring back at him, his chest heaving up and down rapidly, his lips red and swollen from Taekwoon's abuse, and his orbs gazed blankly at the latter. Taekwoon gulped, bitter, because for a second he feared that his deepest thoughts weren't delivered. That his sincere feelings weren't sent. That although even if it was addressed well, Jaehwan didn't get it----or refused to understand it.
But then Jaehwan's lips quirked upwards into a gentle smile and his eyes were filled with so much warmth that Taekwoon's worries simply vanished, and he let out a sigh, relieved, grateful, and glad--because that one smile told him everything he ever needed to hear.
I'll take care of you.
Taekwoon sat back, a hand half covering his pale face as he breathed out in relief for the umpteenth time, the grin of pure happiness unable to be suppressed no longer. Jaehwan chuckled, and he rolled onto his side, finally drifting off to dream land with a secured feeling of peace and serenity.
*
Hackyeon grumbled as he stomped his way to the main bedroom, his temper had nearly reached the roof with how Sanghyuk (most definitely intentionally) washed his clothes with an unhealthy amount of bleach, followed by Hongbin who accidentally spilled his beauty products when he had only wanted to ask for some face cleanser. Wonshik was on the verge of burning dinner while he cooked half asleep, and Hackyeon really didn't need anything more to piss him off. Especially not smelly Jaehwan who refused to wash up before bed.
Hackyeon turned the door knob furiously as he got prepared to yell, "Yah! Lee Jaehwan, you better wash up before I--"
Hackyeon's anger instantly diminished by the sight greeting him. Jaehwan was asleep, limbs spread around in awkward angles, his body lying somewhat diagonally on the futon, the blanket half scrunched up below one leg and the other half covering his abdomen. Taekwoon was sleeping right next to him, one arm used as a pillow while his other resting above Jaehwan's, his long legs tangled with the sheets while the younger boy's leg was draped over his thighs. The self-proclaimed cutie main vocal was snoring lightly, the strands of his brown hair swaying softly by Taekwoon's rhythmic breathing blowing atop of his head. Both of them looked so peaceful and calm sleeping side by side that Hackyeon's heart fluttered from the heartfelt scene.
Tip-toeing his way around the room, the leader fetched his phone and took a snapshot of his two bandmates. A warm smile adorned his lips as he gave a second look at the two sleeping boys. He chuckled quietly, shaking his head. "Why do these two only get along when they're asleep..." He murmured to himself before closing the door gently. Faintly behind the closed bedroom door, Hackyeon's cheery voice could be heard.
"Yah, Hongbin-ah, trade sleeping spots with me tonight! Taekwoon's using mine! And--Ahh, dinner's ready? Okay! Let's eat everyone!"
Sometimes it needs more than words to make someone understand. But sometimes words aren't necessary at all--because no words are necessary between two loving hearts. -Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe [edited]
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a/n: thanks for reading! ^^