(no subject)
I confuse myself sometimes..I am seriously starting to hate drama..its like not even funny anymore..for one I don't even think me and Chad are friends anymore..all because I "screwed up" when I really don't know EXACTLY what I did wrong I mean I have an idea and I know what its about..but I don't know what seriously bothered him..he won't tell me..todays his birthday..I wanted to say happy birthday you know..I mean it is his birthday..and in 6th period he wasn't talking to me..I asked him if he was still mad at me and he said yeah and then I asked why and the last thing he said to me was 'I don't want to talk about it'..thats all he said to me..since friday night...what the hell dude..I mean he knows exactly how I am..everyone does..and yeah I know I'm annoying and nosy and everything else but my friends know that...and theyre my friends so they put up with me..damn no ones forcing them to be my friends..and Chad knew that..he knew exactly what I was going to do and say and everything..but just bam! out of nowhere..hes avoiding me and hes not talking to me..that just pisses me off..I didn't wanna call him over the weekend..cause I understand that people need time to cool off..so I didn't and then yesterday..not a word..he acts like nothing ever happened..like he never met me..it hurts to know that..but fine I guess..I can't do anything about it..arilene asked him something and I heard him say 'cause she screwed up' well yeah maybe I did..I don't really know..but we all make mistakes..and sometimes I just don't realize when I'm hurting someone..or when I'm doing something wrong..sorry my bad..but I can't do anything...whats done is done..what happened..happened..all I can do is apoligize..but I doubt he'll even let me do that..this sucks..and it bothers me..a lot..I'm trying to just forget about it you know..and thats only with Chad..I have this whole other drama with erik..what the hell dude! I don't want the drama..dude okay I don't get him I seriously don't..hes all nice and whatever you want and he says he wants to hang out and everything but damn..I mean him and lloyd are cool and that other girl they hang out with..but the other 3 get on my damn nerves..and I mean I want to hang out with him..but I can't when theyre around and what the hell dude today I wasn't even doing anything I was just standing next to erik reading what he wrote and then all of a sudden they call my name and I looked up and shes all oh thats 'her boyfriend' you know okay whatever I really don't know if theyre going out but to be honest I don't care..she swears like I was doing something wrong..it bugs me..cause thats not the first time they say that to me..its like at least the 10th time..so what the hell is she afraid I'm gonna take her boyfriend or what? I'm not doing anything in the fucking first place..its all a bunch of bull shit and he doesn't want me to do something..then HE should tell me..but I'm not doing anything so whatever..I don't know what to tell him..I mean I love hanging out with him..but thats HIM not his friends..and I mean theyre all sophomores..so I should have expected that they wouldn't have really cared to talk to me..but damn at lunch when I was walking with Christina shes all oh did you see that girl with the green shirt and I said yeah shes the one thats always telling me to back off her 'boyfriend' and shes all ohh she was looking at you right now and giving you these looks..I was like what the hell! I never did anything to her..and I remember i saw her at fridays game she was all nice oh hey whats up and i don't know what else..but thats probably cause erik wasn't there..it seems shes trying to make it some competition crap well you know what she can fucken have him cause erik seems to enjoy it as well..so whatever..fuck that crap..but its just more drama..and then theres *him*...damn him dude..I mean I'm so confused when it comes to him..cause I don't know what I want anymore..I seriously don't..I mean I cry when hes not all nice and sweet and everything but at the same time I know its better for me..cause then I can get over him..damnit...this is between what I WANT and what I NEED...what i want is him just there by my side..hugging me telling me its all going to be okay..but what I need is him to be distant..and not talk to me much..so I can start forgetting and focusing on other things and slowly get over him..cause sometimes..he says some really nice things..like things not even a boyfriend would say to his girlfriend..unless hes like the romantic type..and I don't know..it gives me hope...and thats what I don't need right now...so I'm confused..I don't know what I want anymore..like i said i HATE the drama...I don't want it..not all this at once..I just want everything to be normal no more fights..nothing..just going to school and having fun hanging out with my friends..why can't anything just be that simple? but oh well I guess..whatever..I'm just going to ignore everything just let whatevers gonna happen..happen...
-JeNNiFeR-