Mother....

Feb 18, 2005 11:43

Turned on my stereo yesterday. I went home from work a little early, I had another one of my migraines, and my vision was going, so I decided to leave before things got too blurry to drive.

There wasn't much to do but to lie down when I got home, but it was early and I could not sleep. I took some more medicine, and this time, I remained coherent, and the pain was light enough to warrant a little music. So I turned on my stereo. It's amazing...with as busy as I've been I haven't had much tme to 'reconnect' (or so to speak) with the music that I love. I threw on Tori Amos's "Little Earthquakes". A definate neccessity for anyone who appreciates piano, or really incredible lyrics.

I put it all on shuffle, and heard some amazing music. Including (but not limited to) Counting crows, Fiona Apple, The Verve (back when they were really amazing) Live...yaddah yaddha yaddah. Then "Mother" by Tori Amos came on. remembered why I love the song, (aside from the incredible piano...she's just brilliant). I listened to this song right before I got engaged. Now, I'm not really willing to label myself as a femenist, but I will say that I definately have femenist sympathies. I kind of panicked during my engagement. I felt like I was giving up a fight. Like I was accepting the patriarch, becoming a domestic slave. Giving up my individuality, letting 'love' become an oppresive force and letting some MAN steal my intelligence and self-determination. I remember one scene very well. I was talking with my father about a plan I was thinking about putting into action. There are these organizations that recruit aspiring teachers. They pretty much pay for your post-secondary education if you agree to teach in a "school of need" for five years (meaning someplace rural or inner-city, most likely, and meaning poor benefits and very little income). I was thinking seriously about taking it because I didn't have a way to pay for college, and I guess I want to teach to REACH those kids that misfortune has ravaged....and I was hoping for an intelligent discussion about pros and cons...full of fatherly advice and whatnot..but instead all he said was "I suppose you really need to be talking to Marion about this...."

and then it occurred to me that I can't make decisions on my own anymore. there's going to be another person that my decisions entirely affect. I was a little irritated...and frightened. I was a very independant teenager. I did everything on my own, and always made my own decisions...I stopped having a curfew at 12, and my parents pretty much treated me like my own person. An adult...and I felt like I was losing that.

Then I started thinking about my identity as a woman. I thought I would stop being taken seriously once I let a MAN take care of me. I was afriad of being told what to wear, and where to go...and I was afriad that I would listen. I thought that by getting married, I was becomming simply a couple. No longer BETHANY. Who i'd been for so long, with my own opinions and desires. I did not want to submit.

Tori Amos is married with two children. She loves her husband, I'm sure. But it's nice to hear another woman describe the same fears.

I did try to reconnect wih my mom during the later part of my engagement. I tried to extract all her wisdom about being married and maintaining a sense of self. I wanted to see her be her own woman in a relationship with someone else...but God love her...she submits. Either I heard about her insecurities about not being attractive enough for him, or her frusturation at his linnattention. I listnened to her try to toubleshoot my fears...and I was afriad I'd end up the same.

I love my husband, and he's very supportive. He loves who I am, and he works for my dreams. He's encouraging and intelligent, and he respects me.

But damn me if I ever forget who I am apart from him.

Go go go go now
Out of the nest it's time
Go go go now
Circus girl without a safety net
Here here here now don't cry
You raised your hand for the assignment
Tuck those ribbons under your helmet
Be a good soldier
First my left foot then my right behind the OTHER
Pantyhose running in the cold

Mother the car is here
Somebody leave the light on
Green limosine for the redhead DANCING dancing girl
And when I dance for him
Somebody leave the light on
Just in just in case I like the dancing I can remember where I come from

I walked into your dream
And now I've forgotten how to dream my own dream
You are the CLEVER one aren't you
Brides in veils for you
We told you all of our secrets
All but one
And don't you even try
The phone has been disconnected
Dripping with blood and with time and with your advice
Poison me against the MOON

Mother the car is here
Somebody leave the light on
Black chariot for the redhead DANCING dancing girl
He's gonna change my name
Maybe you'll leave the light on
Just in just in case I like the dancing I can remember where I come from

I escape into your escape into our very favorite fearscape
It's across the sky and across my heart and I cross my legs oh my god
First my left foot then my right behind the other
Breadcrumbs lost under the snow

Oo who mother
Oo mother the car is here
Maybe maybe you'll leave the light on for the for the for the dancing girl
He's gonna change my name
Maybe you'll leave the light
Just in case I like the dancing I can remember where I come come from

Mother mother mother
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