(no subject)
Today would have been ard 5mths aft we broke up. I heard from you thru a group chat that’s not meant for me, but still, I made me think, what have I gotten myself into? Life is not the same again without you. I’m not the same again without you. But in some ways, I’m still the same, and in some ways, I’m not anymore. Repeating this sounds like I’m saying nothing much, but I think about how I’ve still been the same old melancholic me, back to the same old person who seeks to adapt to changes in life, because what are you holding on to? I want to hold on to myself, because I will be with myself till the end, and I will end my timeline before I dissociate and zone out of myself.
What changes in life you might say? Changes in life that are beyond you, relationships that don’t stay because we all steer and have our paths steered by influences unique to us. I stray increasingly apart from friends, because we all take on new things, voluntarily or not, and our times shift to continue with them. I’ve taken on a few new things that I want, and more that I had but don’t want, mainly in my job. What part of my job do I want, how much do I want, these seem like everlasting questions.
I seek to get used to things slipping out and coming to terms with it. I hope coming to terms with it does not mean that I avoid thinking about it, because they come back to haunt unresolved, years and decades later. I hope coming to terms means I’ve given enough time to ponder and think about it and being able to let go. I can rmb a couple of things in my life that I’ve been able to achieve this.
I now crave and seek for a partner, but that partner is you. I didn’t have that problem before you but now I do. I’m not the same anymore. Maybe this is just transition. Maybe I cannot take it before the end of transition. Let’s see which happens first.
What do I miss in life? What keeps me alive? I think about this whenever I’m in my down moments. But I don’t need anyone in my down moments. I got to pick myself up and that’s the strength that I will need to prepare myself. Dependency is comforting, but dependency also leaves you craving when you no longer have it. I will live with my high and low moments, and I know when everything will end and when I’ll live till. I like that there’s an option to skip out on life, that I can walk out whenever I want. But I also know, before I find peace with myself, walking out on life will come from sadness, deep sadness. I just hope I feel even a bit of momentary relief when it comes. I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry God. I’m just glad I have alerted you already.
I should go back to God. But I haven’t been investing in my relationship even with God. I have trust and I can go back but I also don’t want to write blank cheques.
I struggle to live in my mind yet I know I don’t lack in my life. You get and and you lack some. That’s life. I’ve also come to realise that I find enough strength to reach out to just one person in these times, it’s like my one path that I’ve subconsciously created and gathered enough energy for to get out of my state.
I want to be able to find joy through obtaining the ability to celebrate myself, and celebrate only with myself. That cuts off dependency. I will have a muted but joyous life.
I wonder if you miss me. I know the answer and yet I wonder. There are bigger things in other people’s’ lives and yet I wonder. Because I’m currently in this zone.
This post is a mess again. But by the end of this, when I classify this as a post, it makes it merely a post too. My mindset changes and I can think of this in smaller terms. Till the next time when I dive into my emotions again.
What changes in life you might say? Changes in life that are beyond you, relationships that don’t stay because we all steer and have our paths steered by influences unique to us. I stray increasingly apart from friends, because we all take on new things, voluntarily or not, and our times shift to continue with them. I’ve taken on a few new things that I want, and more that I had but don’t want, mainly in my job. What part of my job do I want, how much do I want, these seem like everlasting questions.
I seek to get used to things slipping out and coming to terms with it. I hope coming to terms with it does not mean that I avoid thinking about it, because they come back to haunt unresolved, years and decades later. I hope coming to terms means I’ve given enough time to ponder and think about it and being able to let go. I can rmb a couple of things in my life that I’ve been able to achieve this.
I now crave and seek for a partner, but that partner is you. I didn’t have that problem before you but now I do. I’m not the same anymore. Maybe this is just transition. Maybe I cannot take it before the end of transition. Let’s see which happens first.
What do I miss in life? What keeps me alive? I think about this whenever I’m in my down moments. But I don’t need anyone in my down moments. I got to pick myself up and that’s the strength that I will need to prepare myself. Dependency is comforting, but dependency also leaves you craving when you no longer have it. I will live with my high and low moments, and I know when everything will end and when I’ll live till. I like that there’s an option to skip out on life, that I can walk out whenever I want. But I also know, before I find peace with myself, walking out on life will come from sadness, deep sadness. I just hope I feel even a bit of momentary relief when it comes. I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry God. I’m just glad I have alerted you already.
I should go back to God. But I haven’t been investing in my relationship even with God. I have trust and I can go back but I also don’t want to write blank cheques.
I struggle to live in my mind yet I know I don’t lack in my life. You get and and you lack some. That’s life. I’ve also come to realise that I find enough strength to reach out to just one person in these times, it’s like my one path that I’ve subconsciously created and gathered enough energy for to get out of my state.
I want to be able to find joy through obtaining the ability to celebrate myself, and celebrate only with myself. That cuts off dependency. I will have a muted but joyous life.
I wonder if you miss me. I know the answer and yet I wonder. There are bigger things in other people’s’ lives and yet I wonder. Because I’m currently in this zone.
This post is a mess again. But by the end of this, when I classify this as a post, it makes it merely a post too. My mindset changes and I can think of this in smaller terms. Till the next time when I dive into my emotions again.