BLACK DAY 10: a (mis)conception of us
Title: a (mis)conception of us
Written by: rubyls
A remix of " out of the fire" by deplore
Pairing: Baekhyun/Tao
Rating: pg-13
Warnings: none
Summary: This is how Baekhyun doesn't fall in love.
A/N: Inspired by Sunggyu's "60 Seconds" MV.
Baekhyun dreams of an apartment, filled with a dense white fog at the start that clears to look like his tiny living room. There's someone on the couch, someone he doesn't recognize. The man smiles and Baekhyun loves his smile at once-it lights up his entire face and somehow he knows this smile is meant for him, the him he is watching in his living room. The man holds his hands out to Baekhyun and Baekhyun joins him on the couch, curling into his side and placing a kiss on his cheek-it's terribly sweet, the man taking Baekhyun's lip between his gently. He watches himself giggle and kiss the man again, but when he wakes up and finds himself grinning, he realises he can't remember the man's face at all.
He remembers when he used to have similar washed-out, foggy dreams when he'd been with Junmyeon, dreams that were about them a year later. He'd brushed it off then, because he'd been perfectly happy with Junmyeon and the dreams featured them drifting apart, but only till he was actually living them did he realise the dreams were a sort of premonition and found goosebumps on his skin.
This dream, though, is a little different-he doesn't remember what the man looks like when he wakes, and he's not in a relationship anyway, so he doesn't give it much thought.
Baekhyun takes the upteenth sip of his glass and checks his watch again-an hour since Chanyeol had told him to be at the restaurant. He's not too desperate for this blind date Chanyeol insisted he attend, but it has been a long time he's been with anyone, and he's sick of getting the special-for-one in the frozen section of the supermarket.
He'd caved and ordered two sets when his stomach started growling twenty minutes ago, but as a waiter with a very thin smile brings the food over, Baekhyun realises he's suddenly not very hungry, a bloated stomach full of sparkling water and a vague emptiness in his chest instead. He hasn't had much experience with blind dates, but this is the first time he's gotten stood up, and while he used to laugh at Lu Han's disastrous blind date experiences, this feeling really sucks. He can't deny that he'd been a little excited, too, at Chanyeol's friend of a friend of a friend-he'd looked him up on Facebook, a Kim Jonghyun, and found him to be rather attractive, but greater hope just begets greater disappointment, he tells his chicken sadly, and pushes it around in the sauce on the plate.
An hour drips into two and Baekhyun thinks he's probably down to a 99% chance that Kim Jonghyun isn't going to show up, but somehow he just keeps sitting at the table for that last 1%. The restaurant slowly clears as the night grows old, but Baekhyun takes a small bite of the chicken and waits, pretending not to notice when the waiters stare for a tad too long and a tad too pityingly at him.
He's stopped checking his watch and is staring off into space, thinking about the Ben&Jerry's he'll break out later when the same waiter taps him on the shoulder and lays a plate with a slice of red velvet cake with a scoop of ice cream on the table.
"For you," the waiter says. "From the chef. It's on the house."
Baekhyun is a little stunned, blinking down at the cake. It looks delicious, the red somehow exceptionally vivid next to the other cold dishes on the table, and it occurs to him that the chef must have felt bad for him waiting alone with orders for two. It's a nice gesture, no matter how pathetic it makes him look-it brings his first smile of the evening to his lips.
"Thank you," he says slowly.
"Don't thank me-go thank the chef yourself," the waiter says before turning away brusquely. Baekhyun watches as he heads towards the kitchen and just catches the end of someone's turn towards the counter-the chef, he surmises, tracing the knot of the chef's apron at the small of his back with his eyes.
Baekhyun takes a bite of the cake-it's good, just as good as it looks, and it's not long before he's scraping the plate for the bit of melted ice cream. He's still feeling a little miserable and considerably offended for getting stood up, but cake makes everything better. Maybe Baekhyun and Kim Jonghyun just aren't meant to be. Baekhyun leaves enough for a small tip when the check comes, a bit of a thank-you to the chef for the cake and the inspiritment. The chef still has his back to Baekhyun, busy with something on the counter when he picks up his coat to leave, but Baekhyun's tummy is comfortable and he makes a note of the restaurant's address for future visits.
Wednesdays are when Baekhyun heads downtown to meet with his supervisor for his thesis, and Baekhyun discovers a week after the terrible blind date that the restaurant is pretty near the office. Might as well grab lunch there, since the food is good, and Baekhyun kind of wants to see if he can say hi to the chef today, a belated thank you for that heartening gesture.
He finishes his meal fast enough and heads to the open counter, where the chef has his head bowed concentrating on something. He's got a strong, handsome face, his features very defined, attractive enough for Baekhyun to do a double take if he saw him on the streets. Baekhyun clears his throat.
"Hello! Are you busy?"
The chef looks up, his eyes tightening a little in a frown when he sees Baekhyun, trying to place him. "Um, I'm sorry," he says. "Customers can't come into the kitchen. Do you need help with something? One of the waiters can help you, so-"
"No, I wanted to talk to you," Baekhyun cuts in. "You did me a favor a few days ago. I thought it would be decent of me to say thank you, even if it's a little delayed."
"You're the one who was sitting at table seven last Friday," he says when his frown clears in recognition. "You ordered a cold noodle dish, right?"
Yeah," he answers, a little surprised. "You remember that?" It's almost flattering that this stranger remembers, but he reminds himself not to assume too much. "Anyway, thank you. I appreciated the cake. It was really good."
The little smile the chef breaks into is delightful. "You're welcome, I'm glad you thought so."
Baekhyun looks at him for a bit, the question lingering on his tongue - why did you do that, for me - but it never leaves. "My name's Byun Baekhyun. It's nice to meet you," he says instead.
"It's nice to meet you too," the chef says. "I'm Huang Zitao."
"Huang Zitao," Baekhyun tests the name out-it rolls off his tongue much more smoothly than the question tucked at the back of his mind. There's a sense of déjà vu, maybe, that hits him, about this name on his tongue, but he ignores it to muster up his brightest smile and leaves with a promise to return.
That night Baekhyun dreams about the same white, foggy overlay, but a kitchen this time that he doesn't recognize, watching himself in an apron feed another man cupcake batter from the mixing spoon. The man's smile is familiar, but he can't place it. His own laughter is clear and genuine, and it's the very picture of happiness, but somehow as he's watching himself dollop the batter into cupcake tins and press a little kiss to the man's nose there is a very strange, very sudden plunge in his chest, something like a split second of foreboding.
Again, when he wakes up, he remembers nothing about the man's face at all.
Something about Zitao makes Baekhyun immediately comfortable, like they've known each other for a while, Baekhyun realises when he slips into easy conversation with Zitao next Wednesday in the Red Thread. Zitao is a little shy, but endearingly so, and Baekhyun's good at starting conversations with shy people, but Zitao makes it extra easy.
Baekhyun pulls a chair out at the table right next to the kitchen so he can talk to Zitao and watch him cook, looking at the way he handle the utensils deftly. Zitao moves gracefully, yet with force, like every move he makes is with all the effort he can muster. Baekhyun likes that.
"So what do you do, normally?" Zitao asks as he pulls a ladleful of noodles out of a steaming pot into a bowl to hand over to the sulky-faced waiter from last week.
"I'm a graduate student, at Yonsei," Baekhyun says, nibbling on the small dish of vinegared vegetables Zitao said was on the house. "Journalism and mass communication."
"Wow, that sounds cool." Zitao glances at him. "Something I've always wanted to study, actually, but -"
Zitao clams up, then, clearly a little upset about something he's not ready to share, so Baekhyun clears his throat and slides smoothly into a change of subject. "How long have you been running this? Your food is really good," he says with a little grin. Zitao's smile takes a while, but it's genuine when it pulls the corners of his lips up.
"Three years," he says. Baekhyun doesn't miss the pride in his gaze as he sweeps the restaurant with his eyes, and the fact that Zitao has clearly painstakingly put together a restaurant on his own makes Baekhyun's heart a little fuzzy with admiration for him. There's a lot about Huang Zitao that Baekhyun wants to know about-his motivations, his dreams, how he toes the line of confidence so well that he doesn't fall into arrogance.
"Why an ox?" Baekhyun points at the little bronze statue at the cashier.
"They work hard," Zitao replies as he glances over at the ox statue almost fondly, "and I'm a Taurus."
"Oh! Me too." Baekhyun grins. An excited smile appears on Zitao's face as he leans closer to the counter.
"Really?"
Baekhyun likes the twinkle in Zitao's eyes when he nods, a twinkle that makes Baekhyun feel like someone special, a twinkle that edges out the food here as his reason to come back.
Chanyeol insists on joining him for lunch two weeks later because Baekhyun owes him a meal, you stingy ass, also what have you been doing all these Wednesdays. Baekhyun doesn't think it's a trick of the light when Zitao's face breaks into a smile at Baekhyun walking in that falls the tiniest bit when he sees Chanyeol. He smiles wider for both of them and walks right up to the counter, ignoring Sehun, the pinched-faced waiter, so he can say hi.
"Hey," Zitao says, smiling warmly at Baekhyun, then Chanyeol.
"I'm back," Baekhyun says and jerks a thumb at Chanyeol's chest. "This is Chanyeol, my best friend, and simultaneously the cause and solution to most of my life problems."
Zitao laughs his laugh that never fails to fill Baekhyun right up, and wipes his hand on his apron to shake Chanyeol's hand. Chanyeol grins. "Hello."
Chanyeol looks around the restaurant when they take a seat a little away from the counter and Sehun takes their orders, before turning to Baekhyun with suspicion. "Hey, isn't this the same restaurant as the one your blind date was in? The disastrous one."
Baekhyun glares at Chanyeol and crushes his little toe under his foot under the table. "Yeah, all thanks to you. Stop introducing jerks to me."
"Oops," Chanyeol says with no shred of sympathy, "He's a friend of friend of a friend, how was I supposed to know if he was a jerk or not. And you were the one who said you really needed to get laid."
"I'm doing absolutely fine, thank you," Baekhyun says as sarcastically as he can and rolls his eyes. He catches Zitao's eye across the room, and Zitao holds his order chit up with a smile-Baekhyun's ordered cold noodles as usual. He likes to think of it as a little running thing between them.
"Whoa," Chanyeol says, glancing at Zitao, then back at Baekhyun as he turns back to the table with a big grin. "You got laid? Is that it?"
Baekhyun gives Chanyeol a disgusted look. "Not everyone thinks with their dick like you do. Zitao is a friend."
"Suuuuure," Chanyeol drawls and sips out of Baekhyun's glass for spite. "You should ask him out, he seems like a nice guy. Or something. Though I don't really know about those eyebags."
"Fuck off." Baekhyun punches him, though he's laughing a little, "this is not how you get someone to treat you a meal."
"You're already treating me to a meal," Chanyeol points out. "Also aren't you friends with the chef, you probably get all of your food here free." he says, wiggling his eyebrows. Baekhyun pinches him under the table hard enough to bruise.
When Sehun brings their food over he realises Zitao's given him more chicken than usual (and a lot more than Chanyeol's, too)-Baekhyun looks up at the counter, grinning already before he catches Zitao's smile and that twinkle in his eye that Baekhyun likes best. Chanyeol leans in conspiratorially when Sehun leaves.
"Friends, you said," Chanyeol says, taking a bite of noodles.
"Friends," Baekhyun replies firmly, "because real friends give out of the kindness of their hearts instead of demanding something out of other people."
"Tch," Chanyeol scoffs and slurps a noodle noisily, "where's the fun in that?"
Baekhyun vows never to bring Chanyeol back to the Red Thread when they leave, but Zitao sends him a warm smile which Baekhyun returns easy as pie.
A few nights later Baekhyun finds himself in a similar dream, the same foggy overlay, but he's angry this time, waiting up in his living room, and he suddenly feels exceptionally tired, like this is the hundredth time this has happened. When the same man that's been in his dreams comes home he's got a scowl on his face, but Baekhyun watches himself push the man about his working hours, even though it's clear that he's had a bad day. The man flings Baekhyun's arm on his off, dismissing Baekhyun curtly. He watches himself shove at the man angrily, who leaves the house with a resounding slam of the door, and the dream him falls against his sofa hard-eyed and panting, willing tears where they will not come. Something about the anger in his own eyes tells him that this is not the first time they have argued this heatedly.
It's all the more frustrating when he draws a complete blank for the man's face again when he wakes up, no matter how hard he tries to remember.
It's been about two months since that first night in Red Thread, two long months of letting this friend thing go on; Baekhyun doesn't like to let an opportunity slip, especially not when it's dancing so nakedly in front of his face. Today's cold noodles at Red Thread taste a little different, because Baekhyun's decided to ask Zitao for his number. It's not like it would be out of the ordinary, but he's still a teeny bit nervous-it's been a year and then some since Junmyeon; he's probably rusty. He's sure this could be the start of something, though, if both of them wanted to take it there, so he takes a deep breath as Zitao finishes his sentence.
"Also, hey." Baekhyun smiles and hopes Zitao sees the little hint of the something else in his eyes. "Could I get your number? It'd be nice to hang with you outside of here, too, as much as I like your food."
The smile that unfurls slowly but surely on Zitao's face kicks the tiniest bit of his unconfidence right out the door. "Of course," Zitao says, the smile on his face a bit shy, and hands his phone to Baekhyun. Baekhyun's rather glad Jongin and Sehun aren't anywhere nearby to witness the heat overtaking his cheeks.
It is the start of something, a comfortable sort of more-than-friends, but not quite further than that. Baekhyun texts Zitao constantly with the most random things, messages of hwaiting and what he ate down at the university that was the worst knockoff of Zitao's noodles he ever thought could exist. Zitao texts back adorable things, asking about Baekhyun's day and updating him the state of Sehun's face today. It feels like Baekhyun's getting to interact with Zitao every day now, instead of once a week like before, and it makes him a lot more smiley despite the work piling up. Even Jongdae picks up on it and informs him that he looks kind of creepy smiling at nothing like that, to which Chanyeol just rolls his eyes and whispers fake-conspiratorially that Baekhyun's got a boyfriend.
"I haven't," Baekhyun protests as Kyungsoo congratulates him, but he can't quench the excitement when he admits that he might get one soon, just so he can crush Jongdae's painfully single heart. Zitao really is adorable and makes Baekhyun happy, however cliche that sounds, and it's not like he doesn't catch when Zitao lets his eyes linger on Baekhyun a tad too long. But he's biding his time; Baekhyun's sure he's chalked up enough rough relationships for a lifetime quota-or at least, as much as he can bear-and he's not going to let himself rush into this one again, like he did with Junmyeon, because look how that turned out.
It's been a while, but one exceptionally hot night in April, Baekhyun finds himself in a familiar dream again, this time in his own bed sleeping next to the same man. They're back-facing each other, the man with his arms folded against his chest and eyes squeezed shut in a scowl. Baekhyun moves so he can see himself: staring at the wall across the room, the moon through the window silvery-white in the wetness on his cheeks. They lie there for the length of Baekhyun's dream, saying nothing, and when Baekhyun wakes up he's overwhelmed with a sense of sadness so intense he's shivering even inside his blankets, the same sadness that stuffed his throat full to choking in the dream.
This time he can just about make out the vague outline of the man's lips as he lies awake with the sheets pulled up around his neck, but nothing else. It's a pity, Baekhyun thinks as he rolls out of bed to shower, because they were a very pretty pair of lips. A pair that he would have liked to kiss.
May finds Baekhyun anticipating Wednesdays even more-the project Baekhyun has due is stretching him tight and he's come to find little else in his life that soothes his nerves other than Zitao's cake and the smile he serves it with. On the house, too, and Baekhyun grins when Zitao keeps his coffee cup filled.
"I'm getting a lot of free stuff out of Red Thread." He wiggles his eyebrows and fights to ignore the muttered freeloader from Sehun. Zitao just laughs and shrugs.
"You are our best customer," Zitao tells him matter-of-factly. His smile is a little lopsided, the left corner of his mouth pushed in and Baekhyun's suddenly taken with an urge to kiss that corner, but he tears his eyes away to look Zitao in the eye.
"You have ruined other places for me," he tells Zitao with mock admonishment, and when Zitao gains a bit of a blush Baekhyun's certain Zitao catches what he really meant to say. It tickles him, that he has a bit of a pull on Zitao.
Zitao seems a little tired today, though, rubbing his eyes and working more slowly than usual. Baekhyun touches Zitao's arm over the counter. "Zitao? Do you ever take a break?"
"Nah." Zitao blinks and shakes his head as if to clear it. "They can't run this without me."
Baekhyun knows that, but Zitao's clearly exhausted. "That's not good, you've got to cut yourself some slack sometime."
This seems to hit a nerve with Zitao for some reason-his eyes shut off immediately. Baekhyun vaguely remembers him mentioning a bad relationship before and Zitao hadn't said it explicitly, then, but it had seemed to Baekhyun that the reason Zitao threw so much effort into the Red Thread was so he could forget about that, at least at the start. Perhaps it still is the reason. It makes Baekhyun a bit disappointed, too, because maybe Zitao hasn't been as excited for what they could become as he's been.
But it passes-Jongin comes bustling up and asks about today's special, Zitao heads to the storeroom to retrieve some ingredients and when he's back, the sadness in his eyes is gone. Zitao asks Baekhyun about his project like nothing happened. Their conversation is easy again, but that strange sense of déjà vu is back, like Baekhyun's had a similar conversation with Zitao before-though he could swear he hasn't-and the dark feeling that fills him right after is unsettling.
When Baekhyun finally, finally, hands his project in, the first person that occurs to him is Zitao, so he makes it down to Red Thread beaming, slipping into the kitchen because he can. Zitao's genuine joy is apparent in his smile and Baekhyun reaches over to pull Zitao in for a hug, a silent thank you for Zitao's constant encouragement and hand-holding throughout this nightmare of a project. Zitao is warm and firm and as much of an anchor as he is a happy vitamin to Baekhyun, his height just right for Baekhyun to be able to bury his face in his shoulders. It's a very nice feeling to be in Zitao's arms.
But Sehun clears his throat way too quickly. "Um, you two? Are still in a public location. Please control yourselves."
Baekhyun releases Zitao with a lot of reluctance as he turns to Sehun. "I'm not tipping you," he says, but Sehun ignores him in favour of mimicking dry retching with Jongin, the little brats. Zitao looks torn between killing Sehun and embarrassment, the cutest expression in the world, and when Baekhyun finds himself still smiling even when he's on the bus back to campus he makes the decision, then, to ask Zitao out.
Somehow that strange foreboding feeling that hasn't left him in the past week weighs on him even more like a suffocating duvet, but Baekhyun ignores it to the best of his ability and texts Zitao a message with twice the cheer to make up for the mysterious heaviness on his shoulders.
That very night he's pitched right into the middle of a heated quarrel between himself and the usual man. The hazy white smoke doesn't hide the anger on his face-it's serious, this time. It occurs to him that this is the final straw just as he watches himself suggest a breakup to the man, throw the words bitterly out as he tastes an acridity on his tongue. The man doesn't seem surprised, just watches Baekhyun for a long time and Baekhyun can tell, somehow, like he's known this man for years, that this is the look he makes when he's made a decision to follow through.
"Okay," the man says evenly, voice almost steely in an attempt to betray nothing, and leaves his living room. Baekhyun watches himself sink onto the couch in exhaustion and realises with a start that the dream him is relieved more than anything else, at the breakup, like their relationship had been but a chore.
Baekhyun jerks awake at dawn, his heart throbbing with a sense of dread when the man's face surfaces in his mind and he realises that the same man that's been appearing in all of his dreams is Zitao.
The revelation comes quiet and painful, a noiseless sucker punch to his gut in the dark. Baekhyun can't feel his heart in his chest when he remembers how he used to dream about Junmyeon, the exact events of what they would become. It's very quiet, but he hears his heart break when he realises that he's been watching him and Zitao all this while in his dreams, the future them coming to hate each other in a messy, caustic breakup.
It's almost like he's been expecting it, really, when the strange ominous feeling he's been having around Zitao clicks into place, like all of the hints had been staring at him in the face waiting for him to pick up on them. It already hurts, he realises, before they have even started.
When he receives a text from Zitao just like any other day, it feels like nothing at all, and the swiftness at which he'd gone from excitement to apprehension literally overnight makes him wonder if what he'd felt for Zitao hadn't really been attraction, but an artefact of his missing love itself after all.
Baekhyun makes it down to the Red Thread on Wednesday that week halfway between hesitance and uneasiness, frogmarched in only by his conscience-he owes Zitao at least the chance to be friends, if nothing else. He knows it's going to be awkward, given how they've been developing before, but the moment Baekhyun catches Zitao's eye he sees his dreams everywhere in Zitao's face, the dreams that always leave him with cold sweat down his neck and a chilly heart. His smile is an effort he has to drag out of himself, a paltry return to Zitao's brilliant beaming.
The way Zitao beckons him over and slides a bowl onto the counter-his usual order, like Zitao had been watching the clock for when Baekhyun usually reaches the Red Thread-sets his teeth on edge as he slides into the seat, greeting Zitao as happily as he can. Strictly platonic, he tells himself, it'll be fine. Zitao doesn't deserve anything less.
Except when Zitao beckons him over to show him his new summer menu excitedly, pointing at a beef dish beautifully decorated with a flower carved out of a bell pepper, Baekhyun vaguely remembers marveling very vocally at Zitao's previous bell pepper carvings and feels a rush of guilt wind him, just as Zitao slides a hand round Baekhyun's waist to pull him in. Zitao's touch a week ago would have been sweet on Baekhyun's skin, but he almost jumps out of Zitao's hold in reflex, pretending to text someone a painful second too late when Zitao looks at him confusedly so he can't watch Zitao's heartbreak in his eyes.
"Sorry," he swallows the lump of spit at the back of his throat. "Uh, wanna show me the next dish?"
Zitao does with the same enthusiasm, but Baekhyun can't shake the guilt when he watches Zitao go right on like Baekhyun hadn't just practically slapped him in the face. He can't do this, he decides-he doesn't want to have whatever it is between them now boil down to bitter tar eventually, to come to hate Zitao.
Nothing stops the chill that runs down his spine when Zitao tugs him into the storeroom in the back, biting his lip clearly nervously in anticipation.
"I don't know how else to put this, but-" Zitao takes a deep breath, and Baekhyun sees it in Zitao's eyes a split second before he opens his mouth. "Can I take you on a date, Byun Baekhyun?"
On any other day Baekhyun would have agreed so quickly, maybe throw himself at Zitao because this is exactly what he'd been waiting for-exactly what he'd wanted. Somehow Baekhyun knows, like he's known Zitao for years, that if he says no and suggests they remain friends, Zitao is not going to take it well. He can already see Zitao being confused, taking offense-neither of which Baekhyun has the words, nor the heart to explain himself to.
Perhaps this is how different they are, why they end up breaking at the seams in the future. The way butterflies die, with their beauty preserved as frozen specimens, may be less painful, but bravehearts would rather go in flame like moths, instead. If Baekhyun had Zitao's courage, perhaps he would take having loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but the only thing running through his mind is that last dream, the sheer relief he'd felt at their breakup, and the rest of his dreams follow-the arguments flash through like a movie strip pulled too quickly, too blindingly.
"Can-" Baekhyun licks his lips nervously, Zitao's lips trembling in front of him so full and real that he wonders how he never placed them in his dreams. "Can I tell you in a week?"
Zitao is obviously disappointed and a little surprised, but he tries not to show it. "Of course." His smile is still genuine, still strong for Baekhyun, and that is exactly everything that is wrong.
"In a week," he promises even as he knows he won't; he'll stop coming to the Red Thread and stop replying to Zitao's texts, because he doesn't trust himself not to take this step and take Zitao down with him.
When he leaves, there's no mistaking the faith Zitao puts in the smile for him, and Baekhyun turns his back on him with a determination not to come back, as if the way to the restaurant hadn't already been trained into muscle memory. There's no reason in the world to put himself and Zitao through the wringer only to come out battered and broken at the end.
It'll hurt less later for both of us, Baekhyun tells himself-convinces himself, till Zitao's face in his head blurs like his recollections of the man in his dream and he could be anyone at all.
Written by: rubyls
A remix of " out of the fire" by deplore
Pairing: Baekhyun/Tao
Rating: pg-13
Warnings: none
Summary: This is how Baekhyun doesn't fall in love.
A/N: Inspired by Sunggyu's "60 Seconds" MV.
Baekhyun dreams of an apartment, filled with a dense white fog at the start that clears to look like his tiny living room. There's someone on the couch, someone he doesn't recognize. The man smiles and Baekhyun loves his smile at once-it lights up his entire face and somehow he knows this smile is meant for him, the him he is watching in his living room. The man holds his hands out to Baekhyun and Baekhyun joins him on the couch, curling into his side and placing a kiss on his cheek-it's terribly sweet, the man taking Baekhyun's lip between his gently. He watches himself giggle and kiss the man again, but when he wakes up and finds himself grinning, he realises he can't remember the man's face at all.
He remembers when he used to have similar washed-out, foggy dreams when he'd been with Junmyeon, dreams that were about them a year later. He'd brushed it off then, because he'd been perfectly happy with Junmyeon and the dreams featured them drifting apart, but only till he was actually living them did he realise the dreams were a sort of premonition and found goosebumps on his skin.
This dream, though, is a little different-he doesn't remember what the man looks like when he wakes, and he's not in a relationship anyway, so he doesn't give it much thought.
Baekhyun takes the upteenth sip of his glass and checks his watch again-an hour since Chanyeol had told him to be at the restaurant. He's not too desperate for this blind date Chanyeol insisted he attend, but it has been a long time he's been with anyone, and he's sick of getting the special-for-one in the frozen section of the supermarket.
He'd caved and ordered two sets when his stomach started growling twenty minutes ago, but as a waiter with a very thin smile brings the food over, Baekhyun realises he's suddenly not very hungry, a bloated stomach full of sparkling water and a vague emptiness in his chest instead. He hasn't had much experience with blind dates, but this is the first time he's gotten stood up, and while he used to laugh at Lu Han's disastrous blind date experiences, this feeling really sucks. He can't deny that he'd been a little excited, too, at Chanyeol's friend of a friend of a friend-he'd looked him up on Facebook, a Kim Jonghyun, and found him to be rather attractive, but greater hope just begets greater disappointment, he tells his chicken sadly, and pushes it around in the sauce on the plate.
An hour drips into two and Baekhyun thinks he's probably down to a 99% chance that Kim Jonghyun isn't going to show up, but somehow he just keeps sitting at the table for that last 1%. The restaurant slowly clears as the night grows old, but Baekhyun takes a small bite of the chicken and waits, pretending not to notice when the waiters stare for a tad too long and a tad too pityingly at him.
He's stopped checking his watch and is staring off into space, thinking about the Ben&Jerry's he'll break out later when the same waiter taps him on the shoulder and lays a plate with a slice of red velvet cake with a scoop of ice cream on the table.
"For you," the waiter says. "From the chef. It's on the house."
Baekhyun is a little stunned, blinking down at the cake. It looks delicious, the red somehow exceptionally vivid next to the other cold dishes on the table, and it occurs to him that the chef must have felt bad for him waiting alone with orders for two. It's a nice gesture, no matter how pathetic it makes him look-it brings his first smile of the evening to his lips.
"Thank you," he says slowly.
"Don't thank me-go thank the chef yourself," the waiter says before turning away brusquely. Baekhyun watches as he heads towards the kitchen and just catches the end of someone's turn towards the counter-the chef, he surmises, tracing the knot of the chef's apron at the small of his back with his eyes.
Baekhyun takes a bite of the cake-it's good, just as good as it looks, and it's not long before he's scraping the plate for the bit of melted ice cream. He's still feeling a little miserable and considerably offended for getting stood up, but cake makes everything better. Maybe Baekhyun and Kim Jonghyun just aren't meant to be. Baekhyun leaves enough for a small tip when the check comes, a bit of a thank-you to the chef for the cake and the inspiritment. The chef still has his back to Baekhyun, busy with something on the counter when he picks up his coat to leave, but Baekhyun's tummy is comfortable and he makes a note of the restaurant's address for future visits.
Wednesdays are when Baekhyun heads downtown to meet with his supervisor for his thesis, and Baekhyun discovers a week after the terrible blind date that the restaurant is pretty near the office. Might as well grab lunch there, since the food is good, and Baekhyun kind of wants to see if he can say hi to the chef today, a belated thank you for that heartening gesture.
He finishes his meal fast enough and heads to the open counter, where the chef has his head bowed concentrating on something. He's got a strong, handsome face, his features very defined, attractive enough for Baekhyun to do a double take if he saw him on the streets. Baekhyun clears his throat.
"Hello! Are you busy?"
The chef looks up, his eyes tightening a little in a frown when he sees Baekhyun, trying to place him. "Um, I'm sorry," he says. "Customers can't come into the kitchen. Do you need help with something? One of the waiters can help you, so-"
"No, I wanted to talk to you," Baekhyun cuts in. "You did me a favor a few days ago. I thought it would be decent of me to say thank you, even if it's a little delayed."
"You're the one who was sitting at table seven last Friday," he says when his frown clears in recognition. "You ordered a cold noodle dish, right?"
Yeah," he answers, a little surprised. "You remember that?" It's almost flattering that this stranger remembers, but he reminds himself not to assume too much. "Anyway, thank you. I appreciated the cake. It was really good."
The little smile the chef breaks into is delightful. "You're welcome, I'm glad you thought so."
Baekhyun looks at him for a bit, the question lingering on his tongue - why did you do that, for me - but it never leaves. "My name's Byun Baekhyun. It's nice to meet you," he says instead.
"It's nice to meet you too," the chef says. "I'm Huang Zitao."
"Huang Zitao," Baekhyun tests the name out-it rolls off his tongue much more smoothly than the question tucked at the back of his mind. There's a sense of déjà vu, maybe, that hits him, about this name on his tongue, but he ignores it to muster up his brightest smile and leaves with a promise to return.
That night Baekhyun dreams about the same white, foggy overlay, but a kitchen this time that he doesn't recognize, watching himself in an apron feed another man cupcake batter from the mixing spoon. The man's smile is familiar, but he can't place it. His own laughter is clear and genuine, and it's the very picture of happiness, but somehow as he's watching himself dollop the batter into cupcake tins and press a little kiss to the man's nose there is a very strange, very sudden plunge in his chest, something like a split second of foreboding.
Again, when he wakes up, he remembers nothing about the man's face at all.
Something about Zitao makes Baekhyun immediately comfortable, like they've known each other for a while, Baekhyun realises when he slips into easy conversation with Zitao next Wednesday in the Red Thread. Zitao is a little shy, but endearingly so, and Baekhyun's good at starting conversations with shy people, but Zitao makes it extra easy.
Baekhyun pulls a chair out at the table right next to the kitchen so he can talk to Zitao and watch him cook, looking at the way he handle the utensils deftly. Zitao moves gracefully, yet with force, like every move he makes is with all the effort he can muster. Baekhyun likes that.
"So what do you do, normally?" Zitao asks as he pulls a ladleful of noodles out of a steaming pot into a bowl to hand over to the sulky-faced waiter from last week.
"I'm a graduate student, at Yonsei," Baekhyun says, nibbling on the small dish of vinegared vegetables Zitao said was on the house. "Journalism and mass communication."
"Wow, that sounds cool." Zitao glances at him. "Something I've always wanted to study, actually, but -"
Zitao clams up, then, clearly a little upset about something he's not ready to share, so Baekhyun clears his throat and slides smoothly into a change of subject. "How long have you been running this? Your food is really good," he says with a little grin. Zitao's smile takes a while, but it's genuine when it pulls the corners of his lips up.
"Three years," he says. Baekhyun doesn't miss the pride in his gaze as he sweeps the restaurant with his eyes, and the fact that Zitao has clearly painstakingly put together a restaurant on his own makes Baekhyun's heart a little fuzzy with admiration for him. There's a lot about Huang Zitao that Baekhyun wants to know about-his motivations, his dreams, how he toes the line of confidence so well that he doesn't fall into arrogance.
"Why an ox?" Baekhyun points at the little bronze statue at the cashier.
"They work hard," Zitao replies as he glances over at the ox statue almost fondly, "and I'm a Taurus."
"Oh! Me too." Baekhyun grins. An excited smile appears on Zitao's face as he leans closer to the counter.
"Really?"
Baekhyun likes the twinkle in Zitao's eyes when he nods, a twinkle that makes Baekhyun feel like someone special, a twinkle that edges out the food here as his reason to come back.
Chanyeol insists on joining him for lunch two weeks later because Baekhyun owes him a meal, you stingy ass, also what have you been doing all these Wednesdays. Baekhyun doesn't think it's a trick of the light when Zitao's face breaks into a smile at Baekhyun walking in that falls the tiniest bit when he sees Chanyeol. He smiles wider for both of them and walks right up to the counter, ignoring Sehun, the pinched-faced waiter, so he can say hi.
"Hey," Zitao says, smiling warmly at Baekhyun, then Chanyeol.
"I'm back," Baekhyun says and jerks a thumb at Chanyeol's chest. "This is Chanyeol, my best friend, and simultaneously the cause and solution to most of my life problems."
Zitao laughs his laugh that never fails to fill Baekhyun right up, and wipes his hand on his apron to shake Chanyeol's hand. Chanyeol grins. "Hello."
Chanyeol looks around the restaurant when they take a seat a little away from the counter and Sehun takes their orders, before turning to Baekhyun with suspicion. "Hey, isn't this the same restaurant as the one your blind date was in? The disastrous one."
Baekhyun glares at Chanyeol and crushes his little toe under his foot under the table. "Yeah, all thanks to you. Stop introducing jerks to me."
"Oops," Chanyeol says with no shred of sympathy, "He's a friend of friend of a friend, how was I supposed to know if he was a jerk or not. And you were the one who said you really needed to get laid."
"I'm doing absolutely fine, thank you," Baekhyun says as sarcastically as he can and rolls his eyes. He catches Zitao's eye across the room, and Zitao holds his order chit up with a smile-Baekhyun's ordered cold noodles as usual. He likes to think of it as a little running thing between them.
"Whoa," Chanyeol says, glancing at Zitao, then back at Baekhyun as he turns back to the table with a big grin. "You got laid? Is that it?"
Baekhyun gives Chanyeol a disgusted look. "Not everyone thinks with their dick like you do. Zitao is a friend."
"Suuuuure," Chanyeol drawls and sips out of Baekhyun's glass for spite. "You should ask him out, he seems like a nice guy. Or something. Though I don't really know about those eyebags."
"Fuck off." Baekhyun punches him, though he's laughing a little, "this is not how you get someone to treat you a meal."
"You're already treating me to a meal," Chanyeol points out. "Also aren't you friends with the chef, you probably get all of your food here free." he says, wiggling his eyebrows. Baekhyun pinches him under the table hard enough to bruise.
When Sehun brings their food over he realises Zitao's given him more chicken than usual (and a lot more than Chanyeol's, too)-Baekhyun looks up at the counter, grinning already before he catches Zitao's smile and that twinkle in his eye that Baekhyun likes best. Chanyeol leans in conspiratorially when Sehun leaves.
"Friends, you said," Chanyeol says, taking a bite of noodles.
"Friends," Baekhyun replies firmly, "because real friends give out of the kindness of their hearts instead of demanding something out of other people."
"Tch," Chanyeol scoffs and slurps a noodle noisily, "where's the fun in that?"
Baekhyun vows never to bring Chanyeol back to the Red Thread when they leave, but Zitao sends him a warm smile which Baekhyun returns easy as pie.
A few nights later Baekhyun finds himself in a similar dream, the same foggy overlay, but he's angry this time, waiting up in his living room, and he suddenly feels exceptionally tired, like this is the hundredth time this has happened. When the same man that's been in his dreams comes home he's got a scowl on his face, but Baekhyun watches himself push the man about his working hours, even though it's clear that he's had a bad day. The man flings Baekhyun's arm on his off, dismissing Baekhyun curtly. He watches himself shove at the man angrily, who leaves the house with a resounding slam of the door, and the dream him falls against his sofa hard-eyed and panting, willing tears where they will not come. Something about the anger in his own eyes tells him that this is not the first time they have argued this heatedly.
It's all the more frustrating when he draws a complete blank for the man's face again when he wakes up, no matter how hard he tries to remember.
It's been about two months since that first night in Red Thread, two long months of letting this friend thing go on; Baekhyun doesn't like to let an opportunity slip, especially not when it's dancing so nakedly in front of his face. Today's cold noodles at Red Thread taste a little different, because Baekhyun's decided to ask Zitao for his number. It's not like it would be out of the ordinary, but he's still a teeny bit nervous-it's been a year and then some since Junmyeon; he's probably rusty. He's sure this could be the start of something, though, if both of them wanted to take it there, so he takes a deep breath as Zitao finishes his sentence.
"Also, hey." Baekhyun smiles and hopes Zitao sees the little hint of the something else in his eyes. "Could I get your number? It'd be nice to hang with you outside of here, too, as much as I like your food."
The smile that unfurls slowly but surely on Zitao's face kicks the tiniest bit of his unconfidence right out the door. "Of course," Zitao says, the smile on his face a bit shy, and hands his phone to Baekhyun. Baekhyun's rather glad Jongin and Sehun aren't anywhere nearby to witness the heat overtaking his cheeks.
It is the start of something, a comfortable sort of more-than-friends, but not quite further than that. Baekhyun texts Zitao constantly with the most random things, messages of hwaiting and what he ate down at the university that was the worst knockoff of Zitao's noodles he ever thought could exist. Zitao texts back adorable things, asking about Baekhyun's day and updating him the state of Sehun's face today. It feels like Baekhyun's getting to interact with Zitao every day now, instead of once a week like before, and it makes him a lot more smiley despite the work piling up. Even Jongdae picks up on it and informs him that he looks kind of creepy smiling at nothing like that, to which Chanyeol just rolls his eyes and whispers fake-conspiratorially that Baekhyun's got a boyfriend.
"I haven't," Baekhyun protests as Kyungsoo congratulates him, but he can't quench the excitement when he admits that he might get one soon, just so he can crush Jongdae's painfully single heart. Zitao really is adorable and makes Baekhyun happy, however cliche that sounds, and it's not like he doesn't catch when Zitao lets his eyes linger on Baekhyun a tad too long. But he's biding his time; Baekhyun's sure he's chalked up enough rough relationships for a lifetime quota-or at least, as much as he can bear-and he's not going to let himself rush into this one again, like he did with Junmyeon, because look how that turned out.
It's been a while, but one exceptionally hot night in April, Baekhyun finds himself in a familiar dream again, this time in his own bed sleeping next to the same man. They're back-facing each other, the man with his arms folded against his chest and eyes squeezed shut in a scowl. Baekhyun moves so he can see himself: staring at the wall across the room, the moon through the window silvery-white in the wetness on his cheeks. They lie there for the length of Baekhyun's dream, saying nothing, and when Baekhyun wakes up he's overwhelmed with a sense of sadness so intense he's shivering even inside his blankets, the same sadness that stuffed his throat full to choking in the dream.
This time he can just about make out the vague outline of the man's lips as he lies awake with the sheets pulled up around his neck, but nothing else. It's a pity, Baekhyun thinks as he rolls out of bed to shower, because they were a very pretty pair of lips. A pair that he would have liked to kiss.
May finds Baekhyun anticipating Wednesdays even more-the project Baekhyun has due is stretching him tight and he's come to find little else in his life that soothes his nerves other than Zitao's cake and the smile he serves it with. On the house, too, and Baekhyun grins when Zitao keeps his coffee cup filled.
"I'm getting a lot of free stuff out of Red Thread." He wiggles his eyebrows and fights to ignore the muttered freeloader from Sehun. Zitao just laughs and shrugs.
"You are our best customer," Zitao tells him matter-of-factly. His smile is a little lopsided, the left corner of his mouth pushed in and Baekhyun's suddenly taken with an urge to kiss that corner, but he tears his eyes away to look Zitao in the eye.
"You have ruined other places for me," he tells Zitao with mock admonishment, and when Zitao gains a bit of a blush Baekhyun's certain Zitao catches what he really meant to say. It tickles him, that he has a bit of a pull on Zitao.
Zitao seems a little tired today, though, rubbing his eyes and working more slowly than usual. Baekhyun touches Zitao's arm over the counter. "Zitao? Do you ever take a break?"
"Nah." Zitao blinks and shakes his head as if to clear it. "They can't run this without me."
Baekhyun knows that, but Zitao's clearly exhausted. "That's not good, you've got to cut yourself some slack sometime."
This seems to hit a nerve with Zitao for some reason-his eyes shut off immediately. Baekhyun vaguely remembers him mentioning a bad relationship before and Zitao hadn't said it explicitly, then, but it had seemed to Baekhyun that the reason Zitao threw so much effort into the Red Thread was so he could forget about that, at least at the start. Perhaps it still is the reason. It makes Baekhyun a bit disappointed, too, because maybe Zitao hasn't been as excited for what they could become as he's been.
But it passes-Jongin comes bustling up and asks about today's special, Zitao heads to the storeroom to retrieve some ingredients and when he's back, the sadness in his eyes is gone. Zitao asks Baekhyun about his project like nothing happened. Their conversation is easy again, but that strange sense of déjà vu is back, like Baekhyun's had a similar conversation with Zitao before-though he could swear he hasn't-and the dark feeling that fills him right after is unsettling.
When Baekhyun finally, finally, hands his project in, the first person that occurs to him is Zitao, so he makes it down to Red Thread beaming, slipping into the kitchen because he can. Zitao's genuine joy is apparent in his smile and Baekhyun reaches over to pull Zitao in for a hug, a silent thank you for Zitao's constant encouragement and hand-holding throughout this nightmare of a project. Zitao is warm and firm and as much of an anchor as he is a happy vitamin to Baekhyun, his height just right for Baekhyun to be able to bury his face in his shoulders. It's a very nice feeling to be in Zitao's arms.
But Sehun clears his throat way too quickly. "Um, you two? Are still in a public location. Please control yourselves."
Baekhyun releases Zitao with a lot of reluctance as he turns to Sehun. "I'm not tipping you," he says, but Sehun ignores him in favour of mimicking dry retching with Jongin, the little brats. Zitao looks torn between killing Sehun and embarrassment, the cutest expression in the world, and when Baekhyun finds himself still smiling even when he's on the bus back to campus he makes the decision, then, to ask Zitao out.
Somehow that strange foreboding feeling that hasn't left him in the past week weighs on him even more like a suffocating duvet, but Baekhyun ignores it to the best of his ability and texts Zitao a message with twice the cheer to make up for the mysterious heaviness on his shoulders.
That very night he's pitched right into the middle of a heated quarrel between himself and the usual man. The hazy white smoke doesn't hide the anger on his face-it's serious, this time. It occurs to him that this is the final straw just as he watches himself suggest a breakup to the man, throw the words bitterly out as he tastes an acridity on his tongue. The man doesn't seem surprised, just watches Baekhyun for a long time and Baekhyun can tell, somehow, like he's known this man for years, that this is the look he makes when he's made a decision to follow through.
"Okay," the man says evenly, voice almost steely in an attempt to betray nothing, and leaves his living room. Baekhyun watches himself sink onto the couch in exhaustion and realises with a start that the dream him is relieved more than anything else, at the breakup, like their relationship had been but a chore.
Baekhyun jerks awake at dawn, his heart throbbing with a sense of dread when the man's face surfaces in his mind and he realises that the same man that's been appearing in all of his dreams is Zitao.
The revelation comes quiet and painful, a noiseless sucker punch to his gut in the dark. Baekhyun can't feel his heart in his chest when he remembers how he used to dream about Junmyeon, the exact events of what they would become. It's very quiet, but he hears his heart break when he realises that he's been watching him and Zitao all this while in his dreams, the future them coming to hate each other in a messy, caustic breakup.
It's almost like he's been expecting it, really, when the strange ominous feeling he's been having around Zitao clicks into place, like all of the hints had been staring at him in the face waiting for him to pick up on them. It already hurts, he realises, before they have even started.
When he receives a text from Zitao just like any other day, it feels like nothing at all, and the swiftness at which he'd gone from excitement to apprehension literally overnight makes him wonder if what he'd felt for Zitao hadn't really been attraction, but an artefact of his missing love itself after all.
Baekhyun makes it down to the Red Thread on Wednesday that week halfway between hesitance and uneasiness, frogmarched in only by his conscience-he owes Zitao at least the chance to be friends, if nothing else. He knows it's going to be awkward, given how they've been developing before, but the moment Baekhyun catches Zitao's eye he sees his dreams everywhere in Zitao's face, the dreams that always leave him with cold sweat down his neck and a chilly heart. His smile is an effort he has to drag out of himself, a paltry return to Zitao's brilliant beaming.
The way Zitao beckons him over and slides a bowl onto the counter-his usual order, like Zitao had been watching the clock for when Baekhyun usually reaches the Red Thread-sets his teeth on edge as he slides into the seat, greeting Zitao as happily as he can. Strictly platonic, he tells himself, it'll be fine. Zitao doesn't deserve anything less.
Except when Zitao beckons him over to show him his new summer menu excitedly, pointing at a beef dish beautifully decorated with a flower carved out of a bell pepper, Baekhyun vaguely remembers marveling very vocally at Zitao's previous bell pepper carvings and feels a rush of guilt wind him, just as Zitao slides a hand round Baekhyun's waist to pull him in. Zitao's touch a week ago would have been sweet on Baekhyun's skin, but he almost jumps out of Zitao's hold in reflex, pretending to text someone a painful second too late when Zitao looks at him confusedly so he can't watch Zitao's heartbreak in his eyes.
"Sorry," he swallows the lump of spit at the back of his throat. "Uh, wanna show me the next dish?"
Zitao does with the same enthusiasm, but Baekhyun can't shake the guilt when he watches Zitao go right on like Baekhyun hadn't just practically slapped him in the face. He can't do this, he decides-he doesn't want to have whatever it is between them now boil down to bitter tar eventually, to come to hate Zitao.
Nothing stops the chill that runs down his spine when Zitao tugs him into the storeroom in the back, biting his lip clearly nervously in anticipation.
"I don't know how else to put this, but-" Zitao takes a deep breath, and Baekhyun sees it in Zitao's eyes a split second before he opens his mouth. "Can I take you on a date, Byun Baekhyun?"
On any other day Baekhyun would have agreed so quickly, maybe throw himself at Zitao because this is exactly what he'd been waiting for-exactly what he'd wanted. Somehow Baekhyun knows, like he's known Zitao for years, that if he says no and suggests they remain friends, Zitao is not going to take it well. He can already see Zitao being confused, taking offense-neither of which Baekhyun has the words, nor the heart to explain himself to.
Perhaps this is how different they are, why they end up breaking at the seams in the future. The way butterflies die, with their beauty preserved as frozen specimens, may be less painful, but bravehearts would rather go in flame like moths, instead. If Baekhyun had Zitao's courage, perhaps he would take having loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but the only thing running through his mind is that last dream, the sheer relief he'd felt at their breakup, and the rest of his dreams follow-the arguments flash through like a movie strip pulled too quickly, too blindingly.
"Can-" Baekhyun licks his lips nervously, Zitao's lips trembling in front of him so full and real that he wonders how he never placed them in his dreams. "Can I tell you in a week?"
Zitao is obviously disappointed and a little surprised, but he tries not to show it. "Of course." His smile is still genuine, still strong for Baekhyun, and that is exactly everything that is wrong.
"In a week," he promises even as he knows he won't; he'll stop coming to the Red Thread and stop replying to Zitao's texts, because he doesn't trust himself not to take this step and take Zitao down with him.
When he leaves, there's no mistaking the faith Zitao puts in the smile for him, and Baekhyun turns his back on him with a determination not to come back, as if the way to the restaurant hadn't already been trained into muscle memory. There's no reason in the world to put himself and Zitao through the wringer only to come out battered and broken at the end.
It'll hurt less later for both of us, Baekhyun tells himself-convinces himself, till Zitao's face in his head blurs like his recollections of the man in his dream and he could be anyone at all.