BLACK DAY 8: Aufeis
Title: Aufeis
Written by: pillowfrost
A remix of " zugunruhe winter" by portaldice
Pairing: Kai/Sehun, Kai/Lu Han
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: It's easy to fall when Jongin is so beautiful - Sehun is the seasonal wind that offers Jongin five chances at direction, but he forgets to keep on track himself.
Jongin is four years old when he makes his first wish, and nine when he makes his second. He's eighteen when he's offered a chance to make a third and Sehun knows how it's so, so tempting to take shortcuts.
"You still have three wishes, you know," Sehun says, seated on the windowsill. His legs are swung over its edge and facing the early evening mist. "Permanent spot on M1, no more enemies, push debut a few years earlier…"
But there's no reason for this winter to be any different than the rest. "I'll get there on my own," Jongin says easily, crown of his head cushioned against Sehun's back.
Like this, Sehun can hear Jongin's harsh breaths and feel the warm beat of exertion, tired muscles, the goals Jongin wants to reach. He almost wants to be proud at Jongin's response but rolls his eyes instead. "I guess I'm not granting any of your wishes again this winter."
Jongin pats Sehun's back at that, chuckling, and Sehun turns around just in time for Jongin's palm to land at his shoulder, next to the heartbeats Sehun has to remind himself to have. In the mirror on the other side of the practice room, only Jongin is anywhere near the window, and Sehun is about as visible as the winds that comb through Jongin's hair.
"When will I ever get used to talking to invisible people," Jongin says in a low, content tone, half-smile on his face. He continues patting as if his hand isn't so close to Sehun's heart, careless and comforting in a familiar way.
It's moments like these, with offers of futures that make Sehun pause, when he's thankful Jongin can't see him at all. "Someday," he answers, soft.
He convinces himself that he's not lying, especially when Jongin straightens and makes to leave the practice room with a small wave. "Well, see you next winter."
"See you," Sehun replies, delayed like his held breaths.
The door shuts, and then he leans against the windowpane, tired as well. Spring is starting to begin in earnest. He can feel himself melting, a being of cold wind and snow. Jongin has always been too warm for someone like him.
Practice begins again the next morning but Sehun's already gone.
True to form, Jongin's no longer a trainee when Sehun sees him next. Debut year December is busier and harder than Jongin's training could have prepared him for, but the will to dance makes up for it, and it's in the tiny gaps between their schedules where Jongin smiles the most. He's happier than Sehun's wishes have ever made him but Sehun is never jealous, because there is only Jongin's determination to admire.
Once their manager leaves Jongin in the dressing room to change, jackets and papers start to flutter in Sehun's arrival, and Jongin's already speaking. "You watched?"
"Yeah." Sehun seats himself in front of one of the vanities, toying with the cosmetic brushes on the table. He lifts a tube of cream up and sees it floating in the mirror.
"You were really good. I'm glad you put your lessons to good use."
Jongin laughs loudly. "Yeah, I never really thought that getting me enrolled in an all-girls' ballet class at the beginning would ever help."
"I've always told you wishes are sensitive things. You need to watch your wording."
Sehun turns to watch Jongin as he changes, slipping out of his moon-print pants and pulling on a pair of jeans.
He does a quick hip thrust and shimmies his butt at Sehun. "Good thing I caught the attention of the dance teacher there, huh? Guess it all worked out for the better since I'd never have gotten into that dance school without her recommendation."
"You would have." Sehun insists. "You dance everything well."
Jongin's halfway through putting on a shirt and Sehun pokes the exposed waist with a stick of kohl. "I just helped you with the first step, but your talent is your own. So, wish for the year is?"
Jongin shies away from the stick with an agile step and puts on his cap, checking himself in the same mirror Sehun's seated in front of. "None."
The wind whines through the curtains. "You haven't wished in ten years!"
"Then stick around a bit more. You have time, right?" Jongin slings on his backpack, putting on that smile between the one for cameras and the one he's had since fifteen years ago, unrepentant.
Sehun hovers, a cool breeze in the air following Jongin as he pushes open the door to leave. Jongin turns when he's in the doorway.
"Sometimes I think it would be nice if you could stick around the whole year."
Sehun perks up and pulls at the vapours in the air, trying to put himself together in front of Jongin. Jongin looks like he has more to say, but instead, he just pats the place next to Sehun's heart again.
Sehun wants to know what Jongin really thinks but instead, he takes to the air and watches Jongin's slouched form grow smaller.
Their first meeting years ago involved small, quiet Jongin wishing for a friend. Sehun had first spoken in unsure brushes of air against Jongin's rosy cheeks and knuckles, but he eventually noticed Jongin smiling at the drawings on the snow, so next to Jongin's angels, Sehun drew dragons and cars. Children have no notions about disembodied voices and becoming friends wasn't hard at all.
The catch, though, is that when Jongin stops being small and quiet, he starts taking a maddeningly long amount of time between each of his wishes and seems to content himself with seeing Sehun sulk. He thrives in Manila's sun-warmed temperatures, laughing when he feels traces of foreign cold pressed against the wall upstage. "How are you finding the climate?"
When he gets no answer, he continues. "I like being like this. Want you here where it's warm too."
Sehun has to pause for a moment; the rush of excitement at the prospect of granting a wish is heady. "Is that a wish?"
Jongin casts a sidelong glance at him. The little smile that plays on his lips makes Sehun want to be the reason it grows that bit wider.
"What do you think?"
"I think you need to be careful how you phrase things, as always."
When Jongin just makes a little noise of agreement, Sehun huffs, and tries to consolidate himself in twenty-three degrees. The shimmer of snow that results fades faster than the vapours in Jongin's exhales back home, and immediately Sehun finds himself wondering why he's here.
Jongin hides his smile behind the lip of his water bottle. "Just a few more hours."
Sehun presses his mouth into a line. "Just wish for something so I can go back to estivating. Hibernating, whatever." He curls cold fingers around Jongin's wrist and tugs, insistent. "Louder cheers, decent performance clothes, even a cup of coffee. Anything."
Jongin's slight smile takes on a teasing edge, and when he stands at Yifan's call, Sehun lets his grip fall away. Of course Jongin wouldn't. Sehun shouldn't have expected any other reply. "Will you watch us later?" Suddenly, he feels tired of this. "Prepared two special-"
Sehun bites his frown back and launches himself towards the sky, moving along the last winds of the monsoon.
Just like every other time, Jongin manages to find him, in the slight, powdery breeze just outside the airplane window. Sehun is disappointed by how Jongin doesn't even seem the slightest bit anxious by his absence.
"Sehun," Jongin calls, seated on the toilet seat cover. He has his hands tucked into his jacket's pockets and an earphone in his ear, the other one sending notes carelessly to the air. "Where were you?"
Sehun takes a moment, but Jongin continues nodding his head to his music. He's so sure of himself, so sure that Sehun is there waiting. Sehun hates how he can never be as confident. He wants to ask Jongin what he thinks their relationship is based on. Instead, he says, "Seoul."
He knows that Jongin can only hear him, but he can see Jongin pretty well, and he turns away from the gaze boring holes into his skin. Too warm. The room's too small. "You didn't need me around, so I left."
Jongin makes a face. "I wished for a friend and got you, you know."
"I grant wishes." Sehun breathes out a noisy sigh. "I'm not a permanent audience."
"Yeah, because you're a friend." Jongin punctuates each word with abrupt syllables, and Sehun's urge to escape rises with each one. "But what kind of friend just ups and disappears?"
The nearby mirror starts to frost over. "You can't even see me."
Jongin scowls back. "Then I wish I could!"
A burst of air, and in this tiny space, everything shakes; towels, cabinet doors, Jongin's earphones being blown right off him. He yelps out what sounds like Sehun's name and for a moment Sehun is satisfied, staggering against the bathroom's door-
Then it ends.
Sehun starts to feel dizzy and Jongin shakes his shoulder. "You have to breathe."
He inhales, struggling to look for Jongin's voice, but he finds a laugh and the world bursts with sensation.
"I should've done that sooner."
"Should've done it later." Sehun swoops down onto the windowsill and condenses into flesh and bone. The metal windowpane is bitingly cold beneath his palms, seven in the morning, and Jongin smells vaguely like fruit. "Airplane bathroom smelled like crap."
In the middle of setting up the stereo, Jongin pauses to look at him, then gets back to work. The mirror doesn't hide his slight smile. "I don't think I'm going to get used to this."
"Weren't you complaining about me being invisible?" Sehun hops onto the floor and overbalances a little, still not used to his two feet. It makes him feel self-conscious, and he wonders vaguely if Jongin finds him good-looking. The mirror doesn't hide his brown hair and pale skin, and in the clothes Jongin let him use, Sehun still doesn't feel needed. "Still not used to my heartbeats, though."
"Let me see." Jongin stands and walks up to him, and before Sehun can get a word in, Jongin already has his palm flat against Sehun's breastbone. Orange juice, shampoo, the pink of Jongin's fingertips thrumming in time with Sehun's chest-"Oh. Cool."
Sehun suppresses a flinch and steps backward, hastily nodding.
Jongin tilts his head at him, but then Yixing arrives and Sehun quickly retreats, taking his usual seat at the windowsill. Jongin and Yixing immediately get to practicing, and eventually the two of them become four, then six, dancing for a comeback stage Sehun won't get to see. He plays with the limbs he suddenly has and occasionally waves them at the members who can't see him, curious.
Everything's still a bit odd; pull of tendon, stretch of muscle, heavy, heavy bone. Human movement is so limited but here is Jongin, who moves in currents, like wind, and Sehun still admires. Likes? He tests out the thought in his mind and just comes away confused.
Twelve noon comes quickly and Jongin stands in front of him, gaze as curious as Sehun's is. Sehun blinks back and Jongin only says, "Hey."
"Yeah?"
"Wanna try dancing?"
Something about Jongin's outstretched hand makes Sehun think of self-destruction, but when Jongin pulls him back to his feet, the warm temperatures of their fingers mingle and Sehun almost forgets that he'll probably turn into steam. Everything about Jongin is warm. Like milk before bed, and a lover's breath on your cheek and a warm current over the sea that brings fog to land - Jongin's hand in his clouds his mind up in the same way.
There's a moment when Sehun stumbles and he reaches out, catching Jongin around the waist. He looks up to find Jongin laughing just as hard as he is and it's nice to stand there and enjoy the physical contact.
Maybe Sehun wants to be the cold front that meets Jongin's warm one to create something from nothing.
Sehun knows that Jongin has an early appointment tomorrow and he should let him rest, but his hands are shaking and he rushes to Jongin's bedroom window, blowing noisy branches against the glass. His vision's starting to swim like he's underwater and Sehun blearily wonders if winter's already over.
Jongin finds him slumped against the window and raps his fingers against the panes, eyes wide and slanted in worry.
Sehun's about to reply, arms tightening around his waist, but then Jongin's eyes start to crinkle in a laugh and he makes pointing gestures to the right, where their dorm's balcony is. Obediently, Sehun drops onto the balcony bench and curls up in wait. Everything hurts.
A few moments later, and Jongin quietly steps out into the balcony, parka above his shirt and something in his hand smelling like the sea. "When your stomach hurts, it's called being hungry." He then pushes the paper cup and chopsticks in Sehun's direction. "And this is called eating."
Drowsily, Sehun takes them, and a far-off part of him is surprised at how well and secure his fingers work to clasp around them. He holds the chopsticks and peels the lid open, appetizing scent mixing with the smell of dew. Jongin sits next to him and Sehun blinks. "So you… eat this?"
"No, you starve," Jongin says, exhaling and wresting the chopsticks from Sehun's fingers. He expertly catches a few noodles between the sticks, then raises them to his mouth, where they get chewed and disappear. "Of course you eat." He gives the chopsticks back and leans back against the wall, rubbing his hands together. "Now you try."
"I know how to do that," Sehun says with a grumble, bringing a bite to his lips easily. He slurps it up, then chews on another one, then shoves the cup into Jongin's hands as he stands. "Just a minute. Can I go in?" Sehun points into the living room and immediately enters when Jongin blankly nods. "Stay there."
Then from the living room, Sehun enters the kitchen, where he stops to remember what he's seen Jongin do several times before. He opens a cup of noodles in the cabinet they have for snacks, fills it up with the hot water Jongin had already heated, then grabs another pair of chopsticks before making his way back to the balcony with accomplished steps.
Jongin makes a surprised, soft laugh when he sees him. "You should've told me if you wanted beef instead."
"No, I mean, this…" Sehun offers the noodles and gets the irrational urge to turn away, which he follows.
"Ah. Well." They exchange cups, and Jongin looks down at his noodles, bangs fanning over his eyes. "We're not supposed to eat after six."
Sehun can feel his heartbeat speeding up in embarrassment, but then Jongin shakes his head and slightly raises his cup with a smile. "Guess we should keep between us?"
He shakes his cup expectantly, and then when Sehun remembers to raise his own, they clink them together and struggle not to laugh as they sip at the broth.
When he puts his cup down, Jongin's got a cut-off strand of noodle stuck on the side of his mouth.
Sehun can't resist teasing. "You kid, I'm the newbie here, but you're the one with food on your face."
"Where? Here? This side?"
"No, the other. No, higher."
When Sehun leans forward to brush it off, something propels him to lean in further. The jolt he receives when their lips touch is unexpected and Sehun wonders if this is what happens when hot and cold meet. The thrill of their kiss buzzes through him, Jongin tastes like MSG and expectations.
He's the one that pulls away first. There's silence, and Sehun thinks he can hear the beat of his heart in the quiet. It's fifteen heartbeats before Jongin stands and dusts his pants off.
"Thanks for the noodles."
He is worried for a moment that he's gone and screwed things up, but then Jongin smiles like the sun and Sehun thinks - he can get used to this.
Sehun forgets to be nervous. It's probably his first mistake.
February is about to end, and comeback is a month nearer.
Sehun doesn't need sleep when he's quiet for the other three seasons of the year, and when Jongin arrives in the practice room as usual, he's already at the open window, kicking his legs as he always does. He does it barefoot this time, though, and the cold tickles his soles.
Jongin starts practicing wordlessly, and Sehun turns around, watching.
But after a few moments, Jongin's eyebrows crease together and he makes missteps that pile and pile into a pause. "Sehun? Are you here?"
Sehun slightly raises a brow and condenses with a gust of chilly air, fingers tensing on the windowsill. "I've been here since earlier."
"Ah-" Jongin turns to him with a slight jolt that he somehow forgets to hide, and Sehun likes that Jongin suddenly seems less sure, maybe more aware of him. "You should've said something," he says.
"But I never needed to, before?" Sehun wants to smile, but he's nudged by a gust of wind, starting to warm and ascending to ten degrees. "Oh, and I think spring's gonna start tomorrow." Their roundabout way of saying goodbye.
Jongin lowers his eyes at that, but then he looks up with his lips rounded in silent remembrance. "Why didn't you leave for the season when I made my wish?"
Sehun finds himself blinking at that. "Because I…" Maybe it's Sehun himself who's imagining things are different. "I… wanted to stay?"
When Jongin doesn't immediately reply, Sehun ventures, "Did you like-"
He wants to ask about the kiss. His unspoken question hangs between them like steam after a hot bath. Sehun is still learning to be brave.
"-it that I stuck around?"
Jongin looks torn - like he's both pleased and worried at the same time. He leans back against the windowpane, breaths still soft this early into practice, and something in Sehun tingles when Jongin's leg rests against his knee. Jongin lightly elbows Sehun's thigh.
Sehun turns to him and makes an inquisitive hum.
Then Jongin inhales, anticipatory, and Sehun notices himself mirroring the breath. "Do you," Jongin exhales, long and slow, "want to stay?"
Sehun's own exhale catches. "Ah." He bites the inside of his cheek when he realises Jongin means stay in the room for now, not forever. "It's okay."
Jongin nods, and doesn't say anything more. Joonmyun and Minseok arrive together a bit later, breakfast in tow, but when Sehun spots Jongin save an apple behind his back, Sehun decides to run a last breeze through Jongin's hair and takes his leave for the year. You don't have to. It's alright.
It's not alright. Jongin is almost twenty-one when Sehun sees him again, walking in a park, aimless. He has earphones on and he's grinning as he taps a few steps down the pavement, a burst of colour amidst the bare trees. He looks warm and happy in spite of the bitter cold, and Sehun suddenly feels like he's the one in the wrong season instead.
There's no one else around, so from between the empty branches and without any preamble, "You look happy."
Jongin pauses, then pockets his earphones, shuffling his feet on the ground a bit. He seems a little sheepish at being caught dancing in public. "I guess so."
Sehun gathers himself in a spiral of wind and settles on the bench just nearby. Jongin follows the gusts, scooting closer until their shoulders bump and their thighs are secure against each other. Sehun likes the way his skin tingles with familiar, missed warmth. "How's idol life been?"
"Weird." Jongin tilts his head to the sky, just as he did out that open window years ago. "I keep feeling suffocated. People telling me what to do, where to go, how to look. I can't even speak to whoever I want to.
"But there's so much flux in this industry. Maybe I just needed some change, I'm getting to like it again. Still tiring, though."
"You should've expected the tiring part." Sehun curls a crisp breeze against Jongin's forehead. "What's been going on?"
Jongin's head is still lifted towards the sky, but at the question his lips curve into a wide, brilliant smile that Sehun's never seen before, not in all the years he's known him.
"Just some people I met at the company. You know, trainees, like how I used to be? Yeah, they just remind me of how hard I used to work. I want to be happy with what I've achieved."
Sehun doesn't even have to look, but he can feel the waves of happiness emanating from Jongin as he tells him more about a group of another six boys, the laughter in his voice making him sound younger.
A thought floats into his mind and takes root, I wish I could make him smile like that.
It's easy to fall back into a routine again. Sehun follows Jongin to the practice room a couple of times, allowing the muscles he doesn't need to use the rest of the year to warm up, gradually losing the awkwardness in his limbs. He's never realised it previously, but his eyes have always been on Jongin when they danced together. It's even harder to keep his eyes off him now, with Jongin's renewed determination making him more beautiful. There's an underlying current of gentleness that makes his dancing more accessible than before.
Sehun forgets to question, and that's his second mistake.
Sehun drifts into the practice room one afternoon through a crack in the window, left to air out the room after another group's practice session. He knows Jongin has a practice scheduled at three. He's a little early, so he does not expect to see two figures in the middle of the half-lit room, mirroring each others' moves as they dance.
It takes him a couple of moments to realise it's Jongin with another boy. Jongin's laughter is so unguarded it lights him up, changes him. There's nothing sexual about their dance, but there's something about their perfect synchronisation as they move in tandem that makes Sehun feel like an intruder.
He waits a few more moments, hoping Jongin will notice him, until he reaches the limit of his patience and sends a light gust of wind rippling through Jongin's hair, causing the fringe he's pushed away from his forehead to fall back over his eyes.
Sehun leans forward - he likes to catch the exact moment when recognition flickers into Jongin's eyes - but today, there is none. The breaths that Sehun has gotten used to taking catch in his throat.
Jongin suddenly pauses and Sehun thinks to himself, ah, here he comes, but no-
Instead, Jongin rests a palm face down on the other boy's chest, right over his heartbeats. The room is quiet as they smile at each other - happy, warm, intimate.
Without thinking, Sehun places a hand on his own chest, then lets it hang limp at his side when he remembers how it used to be Jongin who always did that.
His chest aches, and Sehun wonders if this is what heartbreak feels like.
Sehun's lying on Jongin's bed reading one of the action manhwas he found lying around when Jongin comes back to the dorm. He pauses in the doorway when he sees Sehun and his smile is so genuine that his feelings of doubt immediately dissipate.
"How's that?" He motions towards the comic with his head, then pushes at Sehun to move over to make room for him under the covers. It feels like any other winter evening when Sehun has snuggled against Jongin in his bed, but as the still, cold quiet stretches out between them, the shadow of uncertainty hanging over Sehun grows and grows and finally he asks, "Who was the kid earlier?"
Jongin doesn't understand.
"What kid?"
"The one with you in the practice room before your practice started. The pretty one." Sehun's not sure why he tacked on that adjective at the end.
"Oh. Lu Han?"
Jongin lapses into silence again.
"Wait. You were there? Why didn't you say anything?"
"I did, I ruffled your hair and you didn't notice a thing."
"Huh." Jongin frowns. "That's odd. I didn't realise. I'm sorry, I'll pay more attention next time.
"Lu Han... He's just one of the trainees I mentioned to you earlier."
That's all he says, and then Jongin launches into a detailed description of their next comeback concept with such enthusiasm that Sehun gets caught up in his excitement and all thoughts of Lu Han are forgotten.
That is, until the next time Sehun materialises in the practice room and finds Jongin with Lu Han again. They're not dancing this time, but sitting with their backs against the mirror, chatting. Jongin's right side is lined up with Lu Han's left from hip to calf, and their heads bowed together as they laugh over a private joke conjures up a whirlwind of conflicting emotions in Sehun.
He tries to cough to attract Jongin's attention, but Lu Han's presence - his smile even more warm and blinding than Jongin's has ever been - poses an insurmountable barrier. He stirs up the wind in the room a little harder, but Sehun stops trying when Jongin leans to his right and carefully places a kiss on the corner of Lu Han's mouth.
Sehun takes to hiding in the dorm, where he's sure that at least Jongin will see him. It also means that he doesn't get to dance with Jongin anymore, but he's not sure that Jongin even notices.
It's a particularly frosty morning in late January, Sehun has burrowed himself under Jongin's duvet when Jongin nudges him with a cold foot and says, "Hey, I think I've thought of my fourth wish."
Sehun sits up so fast he drags the entire duvet with him and it falls to the floor. Jongin whines in annoyance but Sehun is too distracted to care.
"What is it?"
"This is going to sound stupid, but are you able to make a bunch of flowers grow in snow? Like, maybe in the middle of the empty field behind the dorm building?"
Sehun hearts sinks when he sees where this is going. But he gets up and stretches, "Your wish is my command."
Later, he watches Lu Han laugh and clap his hands in delight over the little patch of grass and daisies in the snow. Jongin has one arm slung over Lu Han's shoulder and the other tucked into a trouser pocket; he's smiling at Lu Han. Sehun marvels at how easily the human heart changes.
Jongin who used to guard his wishes so jealously. It figures that the one frivolous wish he makes is for someone else.
Sehun decides to leave for the season.
It's almost the end of winter when Sehun returns. He's not sure that Jongin needs him anymore, but he still wants to say goodbye.
He finds Jongin in his room, curled up in a corner, sobbing. When he pulls Jongin into his arms, the way Jongin's hands clutch at his shirt and the way his face tucks perfectly into his neck makes Sehun think of all the could-have-beens.
It's hard to find the right words to say when someone's been found kissing another boy in the company building's stairwell. Jongin's been suspended, and Lu Han's debut delayed indefinitely. Sehun wants to say, I told you to be careful, but he realises he never did. That was probably his third mistake.
Instead, he soothes the hiccuping sobs from Jongin and wipes the tears from his face with cold fingers.
"I wish I could do what I wanted. All I want is a little freedom, is that so hard to ask for? Wish I could come and go as I please. I don't know. Maybe I want to be like you."
When Jongin lifts his tear-stained face, it's the most beautiful Sehun has ever seen him.
"Remember what I said about wording?" Sehun asks sadly.
Jongin is the opposite of Sehun. He's a warm summer breeze. In the summer months, he zigzags through trees, pulls kites high into the air, and brushes hair out of laughing childrens' faces. On certain days he's muggy and cloying, on others refreshing and welcome.
After Lu Han debuts, Jongin often wafts into their group's practice room on a heatwave, watches the sweat roll down Lu Han's clavicle and disappear into the collar of his low-necked teeshirt.
Sometimes he surges forward and leaves a breath, a kiss on his cheek. Once in a while, Lu Han looks up, puzzled, as though wondering if someone is there. Most of the time Lu Han never notices.
Sometimes, Jongin meets Sehun on a summer afternoon when there's a freak cold spell. Usually it's a fleeting touch of fingers, and then he's gone. Once, there is hail in the summer, and in the middle of little cubes of ice raining around them, Sehun faces Jongin.
"Are you happy?"
It has been years, but Sehun still asks after him first. Jongin feels a twinge of regret.
"Could be better, but I'm not unhappy."
Sehun hums in understanding and they hover in comfortable silence for a few minutes, their hands drifting towards each other, fingers interlocking.
The sun comes shining through a cloud and Sehun starts to fade, his hand in Jongin's disappearing.
There's a last brush of cold air across his lips and Sehun is gone.
Jongin looks at the centre of Seoul spread out under him, then makes his way to the practice room where he knows Lu Han will be.
Written by: pillowfrost
A remix of " zugunruhe winter" by portaldice
Pairing: Kai/Sehun, Kai/Lu Han
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: It's easy to fall when Jongin is so beautiful - Sehun is the seasonal wind that offers Jongin five chances at direction, but he forgets to keep on track himself.
Jongin is four years old when he makes his first wish, and nine when he makes his second. He's eighteen when he's offered a chance to make a third and Sehun knows how it's so, so tempting to take shortcuts.
"You still have three wishes, you know," Sehun says, seated on the windowsill. His legs are swung over its edge and facing the early evening mist. "Permanent spot on M1, no more enemies, push debut a few years earlier…"
But there's no reason for this winter to be any different than the rest. "I'll get there on my own," Jongin says easily, crown of his head cushioned against Sehun's back.
Like this, Sehun can hear Jongin's harsh breaths and feel the warm beat of exertion, tired muscles, the goals Jongin wants to reach. He almost wants to be proud at Jongin's response but rolls his eyes instead. "I guess I'm not granting any of your wishes again this winter."
Jongin pats Sehun's back at that, chuckling, and Sehun turns around just in time for Jongin's palm to land at his shoulder, next to the heartbeats Sehun has to remind himself to have. In the mirror on the other side of the practice room, only Jongin is anywhere near the window, and Sehun is about as visible as the winds that comb through Jongin's hair.
"When will I ever get used to talking to invisible people," Jongin says in a low, content tone, half-smile on his face. He continues patting as if his hand isn't so close to Sehun's heart, careless and comforting in a familiar way.
It's moments like these, with offers of futures that make Sehun pause, when he's thankful Jongin can't see him at all. "Someday," he answers, soft.
He convinces himself that he's not lying, especially when Jongin straightens and makes to leave the practice room with a small wave. "Well, see you next winter."
"See you," Sehun replies, delayed like his held breaths.
The door shuts, and then he leans against the windowpane, tired as well. Spring is starting to begin in earnest. He can feel himself melting, a being of cold wind and snow. Jongin has always been too warm for someone like him.
Practice begins again the next morning but Sehun's already gone.
True to form, Jongin's no longer a trainee when Sehun sees him next. Debut year December is busier and harder than Jongin's training could have prepared him for, but the will to dance makes up for it, and it's in the tiny gaps between their schedules where Jongin smiles the most. He's happier than Sehun's wishes have ever made him but Sehun is never jealous, because there is only Jongin's determination to admire.
Once their manager leaves Jongin in the dressing room to change, jackets and papers start to flutter in Sehun's arrival, and Jongin's already speaking. "You watched?"
"Yeah." Sehun seats himself in front of one of the vanities, toying with the cosmetic brushes on the table. He lifts a tube of cream up and sees it floating in the mirror.
"You were really good. I'm glad you put your lessons to good use."
Jongin laughs loudly. "Yeah, I never really thought that getting me enrolled in an all-girls' ballet class at the beginning would ever help."
"I've always told you wishes are sensitive things. You need to watch your wording."
Sehun turns to watch Jongin as he changes, slipping out of his moon-print pants and pulling on a pair of jeans.
He does a quick hip thrust and shimmies his butt at Sehun. "Good thing I caught the attention of the dance teacher there, huh? Guess it all worked out for the better since I'd never have gotten into that dance school without her recommendation."
"You would have." Sehun insists. "You dance everything well."
Jongin's halfway through putting on a shirt and Sehun pokes the exposed waist with a stick of kohl. "I just helped you with the first step, but your talent is your own. So, wish for the year is?"
Jongin shies away from the stick with an agile step and puts on his cap, checking himself in the same mirror Sehun's seated in front of. "None."
The wind whines through the curtains. "You haven't wished in ten years!"
"Then stick around a bit more. You have time, right?" Jongin slings on his backpack, putting on that smile between the one for cameras and the one he's had since fifteen years ago, unrepentant.
Sehun hovers, a cool breeze in the air following Jongin as he pushes open the door to leave. Jongin turns when he's in the doorway.
"Sometimes I think it would be nice if you could stick around the whole year."
Sehun perks up and pulls at the vapours in the air, trying to put himself together in front of Jongin. Jongin looks like he has more to say, but instead, he just pats the place next to Sehun's heart again.
Sehun wants to know what Jongin really thinks but instead, he takes to the air and watches Jongin's slouched form grow smaller.
Their first meeting years ago involved small, quiet Jongin wishing for a friend. Sehun had first spoken in unsure brushes of air against Jongin's rosy cheeks and knuckles, but he eventually noticed Jongin smiling at the drawings on the snow, so next to Jongin's angels, Sehun drew dragons and cars. Children have no notions about disembodied voices and becoming friends wasn't hard at all.
The catch, though, is that when Jongin stops being small and quiet, he starts taking a maddeningly long amount of time between each of his wishes and seems to content himself with seeing Sehun sulk. He thrives in Manila's sun-warmed temperatures, laughing when he feels traces of foreign cold pressed against the wall upstage. "How are you finding the climate?"
When he gets no answer, he continues. "I like being like this. Want you here where it's warm too."
Sehun has to pause for a moment; the rush of excitement at the prospect of granting a wish is heady. "Is that a wish?"
Jongin casts a sidelong glance at him. The little smile that plays on his lips makes Sehun want to be the reason it grows that bit wider.
"What do you think?"
"I think you need to be careful how you phrase things, as always."
When Jongin just makes a little noise of agreement, Sehun huffs, and tries to consolidate himself in twenty-three degrees. The shimmer of snow that results fades faster than the vapours in Jongin's exhales back home, and immediately Sehun finds himself wondering why he's here.
Jongin hides his smile behind the lip of his water bottle. "Just a few more hours."
Sehun presses his mouth into a line. "Just wish for something so I can go back to estivating. Hibernating, whatever." He curls cold fingers around Jongin's wrist and tugs, insistent. "Louder cheers, decent performance clothes, even a cup of coffee. Anything."
Jongin's slight smile takes on a teasing edge, and when he stands at Yifan's call, Sehun lets his grip fall away. Of course Jongin wouldn't. Sehun shouldn't have expected any other reply. "Will you watch us later?" Suddenly, he feels tired of this. "Prepared two special-"
Sehun bites his frown back and launches himself towards the sky, moving along the last winds of the monsoon.
Just like every other time, Jongin manages to find him, in the slight, powdery breeze just outside the airplane window. Sehun is disappointed by how Jongin doesn't even seem the slightest bit anxious by his absence.
"Sehun," Jongin calls, seated on the toilet seat cover. He has his hands tucked into his jacket's pockets and an earphone in his ear, the other one sending notes carelessly to the air. "Where were you?"
Sehun takes a moment, but Jongin continues nodding his head to his music. He's so sure of himself, so sure that Sehun is there waiting. Sehun hates how he can never be as confident. He wants to ask Jongin what he thinks their relationship is based on. Instead, he says, "Seoul."
He knows that Jongin can only hear him, but he can see Jongin pretty well, and he turns away from the gaze boring holes into his skin. Too warm. The room's too small. "You didn't need me around, so I left."
Jongin makes a face. "I wished for a friend and got you, you know."
"I grant wishes." Sehun breathes out a noisy sigh. "I'm not a permanent audience."
"Yeah, because you're a friend." Jongin punctuates each word with abrupt syllables, and Sehun's urge to escape rises with each one. "But what kind of friend just ups and disappears?"
The nearby mirror starts to frost over. "You can't even see me."
Jongin scowls back. "Then I wish I could!"
A burst of air, and in this tiny space, everything shakes; towels, cabinet doors, Jongin's earphones being blown right off him. He yelps out what sounds like Sehun's name and for a moment Sehun is satisfied, staggering against the bathroom's door-
Then it ends.
Sehun starts to feel dizzy and Jongin shakes his shoulder. "You have to breathe."
He inhales, struggling to look for Jongin's voice, but he finds a laugh and the world bursts with sensation.
"I should've done that sooner."
"Should've done it later." Sehun swoops down onto the windowsill and condenses into flesh and bone. The metal windowpane is bitingly cold beneath his palms, seven in the morning, and Jongin smells vaguely like fruit. "Airplane bathroom smelled like crap."
In the middle of setting up the stereo, Jongin pauses to look at him, then gets back to work. The mirror doesn't hide his slight smile. "I don't think I'm going to get used to this."
"Weren't you complaining about me being invisible?" Sehun hops onto the floor and overbalances a little, still not used to his two feet. It makes him feel self-conscious, and he wonders vaguely if Jongin finds him good-looking. The mirror doesn't hide his brown hair and pale skin, and in the clothes Jongin let him use, Sehun still doesn't feel needed. "Still not used to my heartbeats, though."
"Let me see." Jongin stands and walks up to him, and before Sehun can get a word in, Jongin already has his palm flat against Sehun's breastbone. Orange juice, shampoo, the pink of Jongin's fingertips thrumming in time with Sehun's chest-"Oh. Cool."
Sehun suppresses a flinch and steps backward, hastily nodding.
Jongin tilts his head at him, but then Yixing arrives and Sehun quickly retreats, taking his usual seat at the windowsill. Jongin and Yixing immediately get to practicing, and eventually the two of them become four, then six, dancing for a comeback stage Sehun won't get to see. He plays with the limbs he suddenly has and occasionally waves them at the members who can't see him, curious.
Everything's still a bit odd; pull of tendon, stretch of muscle, heavy, heavy bone. Human movement is so limited but here is Jongin, who moves in currents, like wind, and Sehun still admires. Likes? He tests out the thought in his mind and just comes away confused.
Twelve noon comes quickly and Jongin stands in front of him, gaze as curious as Sehun's is. Sehun blinks back and Jongin only says, "Hey."
"Yeah?"
"Wanna try dancing?"
Something about Jongin's outstretched hand makes Sehun think of self-destruction, but when Jongin pulls him back to his feet, the warm temperatures of their fingers mingle and Sehun almost forgets that he'll probably turn into steam. Everything about Jongin is warm. Like milk before bed, and a lover's breath on your cheek and a warm current over the sea that brings fog to land - Jongin's hand in his clouds his mind up in the same way.
There's a moment when Sehun stumbles and he reaches out, catching Jongin around the waist. He looks up to find Jongin laughing just as hard as he is and it's nice to stand there and enjoy the physical contact.
Maybe Sehun wants to be the cold front that meets Jongin's warm one to create something from nothing.
Sehun knows that Jongin has an early appointment tomorrow and he should let him rest, but his hands are shaking and he rushes to Jongin's bedroom window, blowing noisy branches against the glass. His vision's starting to swim like he's underwater and Sehun blearily wonders if winter's already over.
Jongin finds him slumped against the window and raps his fingers against the panes, eyes wide and slanted in worry.
Sehun's about to reply, arms tightening around his waist, but then Jongin's eyes start to crinkle in a laugh and he makes pointing gestures to the right, where their dorm's balcony is. Obediently, Sehun drops onto the balcony bench and curls up in wait. Everything hurts.
A few moments later, and Jongin quietly steps out into the balcony, parka above his shirt and something in his hand smelling like the sea. "When your stomach hurts, it's called being hungry." He then pushes the paper cup and chopsticks in Sehun's direction. "And this is called eating."
Drowsily, Sehun takes them, and a far-off part of him is surprised at how well and secure his fingers work to clasp around them. He holds the chopsticks and peels the lid open, appetizing scent mixing with the smell of dew. Jongin sits next to him and Sehun blinks. "So you… eat this?"
"No, you starve," Jongin says, exhaling and wresting the chopsticks from Sehun's fingers. He expertly catches a few noodles between the sticks, then raises them to his mouth, where they get chewed and disappear. "Of course you eat." He gives the chopsticks back and leans back against the wall, rubbing his hands together. "Now you try."
"I know how to do that," Sehun says with a grumble, bringing a bite to his lips easily. He slurps it up, then chews on another one, then shoves the cup into Jongin's hands as he stands. "Just a minute. Can I go in?" Sehun points into the living room and immediately enters when Jongin blankly nods. "Stay there."
Then from the living room, Sehun enters the kitchen, where he stops to remember what he's seen Jongin do several times before. He opens a cup of noodles in the cabinet they have for snacks, fills it up with the hot water Jongin had already heated, then grabs another pair of chopsticks before making his way back to the balcony with accomplished steps.
Jongin makes a surprised, soft laugh when he sees him. "You should've told me if you wanted beef instead."
"No, I mean, this…" Sehun offers the noodles and gets the irrational urge to turn away, which he follows.
"Ah. Well." They exchange cups, and Jongin looks down at his noodles, bangs fanning over his eyes. "We're not supposed to eat after six."
Sehun can feel his heartbeat speeding up in embarrassment, but then Jongin shakes his head and slightly raises his cup with a smile. "Guess we should keep between us?"
He shakes his cup expectantly, and then when Sehun remembers to raise his own, they clink them together and struggle not to laugh as they sip at the broth.
When he puts his cup down, Jongin's got a cut-off strand of noodle stuck on the side of his mouth.
Sehun can't resist teasing. "You kid, I'm the newbie here, but you're the one with food on your face."
"Where? Here? This side?"
"No, the other. No, higher."
When Sehun leans forward to brush it off, something propels him to lean in further. The jolt he receives when their lips touch is unexpected and Sehun wonders if this is what happens when hot and cold meet. The thrill of their kiss buzzes through him, Jongin tastes like MSG and expectations.
He's the one that pulls away first. There's silence, and Sehun thinks he can hear the beat of his heart in the quiet. It's fifteen heartbeats before Jongin stands and dusts his pants off.
"Thanks for the noodles."
He is worried for a moment that he's gone and screwed things up, but then Jongin smiles like the sun and Sehun thinks - he can get used to this.
Sehun forgets to be nervous. It's probably his first mistake.
February is about to end, and comeback is a month nearer.
Sehun doesn't need sleep when he's quiet for the other three seasons of the year, and when Jongin arrives in the practice room as usual, he's already at the open window, kicking his legs as he always does. He does it barefoot this time, though, and the cold tickles his soles.
Jongin starts practicing wordlessly, and Sehun turns around, watching.
But after a few moments, Jongin's eyebrows crease together and he makes missteps that pile and pile into a pause. "Sehun? Are you here?"
Sehun slightly raises a brow and condenses with a gust of chilly air, fingers tensing on the windowsill. "I've been here since earlier."
"Ah-" Jongin turns to him with a slight jolt that he somehow forgets to hide, and Sehun likes that Jongin suddenly seems less sure, maybe more aware of him. "You should've said something," he says.
"But I never needed to, before?" Sehun wants to smile, but he's nudged by a gust of wind, starting to warm and ascending to ten degrees. "Oh, and I think spring's gonna start tomorrow." Their roundabout way of saying goodbye.
Jongin lowers his eyes at that, but then he looks up with his lips rounded in silent remembrance. "Why didn't you leave for the season when I made my wish?"
Sehun finds himself blinking at that. "Because I…" Maybe it's Sehun himself who's imagining things are different. "I… wanted to stay?"
When Jongin doesn't immediately reply, Sehun ventures, "Did you like-"
He wants to ask about the kiss. His unspoken question hangs between them like steam after a hot bath. Sehun is still learning to be brave.
"-it that I stuck around?"
Jongin looks torn - like he's both pleased and worried at the same time. He leans back against the windowpane, breaths still soft this early into practice, and something in Sehun tingles when Jongin's leg rests against his knee. Jongin lightly elbows Sehun's thigh.
Sehun turns to him and makes an inquisitive hum.
Then Jongin inhales, anticipatory, and Sehun notices himself mirroring the breath. "Do you," Jongin exhales, long and slow, "want to stay?"
Sehun's own exhale catches. "Ah." He bites the inside of his cheek when he realises Jongin means stay in the room for now, not forever. "It's okay."
Jongin nods, and doesn't say anything more. Joonmyun and Minseok arrive together a bit later, breakfast in tow, but when Sehun spots Jongin save an apple behind his back, Sehun decides to run a last breeze through Jongin's hair and takes his leave for the year. You don't have to. It's alright.
It's not alright. Jongin is almost twenty-one when Sehun sees him again, walking in a park, aimless. He has earphones on and he's grinning as he taps a few steps down the pavement, a burst of colour amidst the bare trees. He looks warm and happy in spite of the bitter cold, and Sehun suddenly feels like he's the one in the wrong season instead.
There's no one else around, so from between the empty branches and without any preamble, "You look happy."
Jongin pauses, then pockets his earphones, shuffling his feet on the ground a bit. He seems a little sheepish at being caught dancing in public. "I guess so."
Sehun gathers himself in a spiral of wind and settles on the bench just nearby. Jongin follows the gusts, scooting closer until their shoulders bump and their thighs are secure against each other. Sehun likes the way his skin tingles with familiar, missed warmth. "How's idol life been?"
"Weird." Jongin tilts his head to the sky, just as he did out that open window years ago. "I keep feeling suffocated. People telling me what to do, where to go, how to look. I can't even speak to whoever I want to.
"But there's so much flux in this industry. Maybe I just needed some change, I'm getting to like it again. Still tiring, though."
"You should've expected the tiring part." Sehun curls a crisp breeze against Jongin's forehead. "What's been going on?"
Jongin's head is still lifted towards the sky, but at the question his lips curve into a wide, brilliant smile that Sehun's never seen before, not in all the years he's known him.
"Just some people I met at the company. You know, trainees, like how I used to be? Yeah, they just remind me of how hard I used to work. I want to be happy with what I've achieved."
Sehun doesn't even have to look, but he can feel the waves of happiness emanating from Jongin as he tells him more about a group of another six boys, the laughter in his voice making him sound younger.
A thought floats into his mind and takes root, I wish I could make him smile like that.
It's easy to fall back into a routine again. Sehun follows Jongin to the practice room a couple of times, allowing the muscles he doesn't need to use the rest of the year to warm up, gradually losing the awkwardness in his limbs. He's never realised it previously, but his eyes have always been on Jongin when they danced together. It's even harder to keep his eyes off him now, with Jongin's renewed determination making him more beautiful. There's an underlying current of gentleness that makes his dancing more accessible than before.
Sehun forgets to question, and that's his second mistake.
Sehun drifts into the practice room one afternoon through a crack in the window, left to air out the room after another group's practice session. He knows Jongin has a practice scheduled at three. He's a little early, so he does not expect to see two figures in the middle of the half-lit room, mirroring each others' moves as they dance.
It takes him a couple of moments to realise it's Jongin with another boy. Jongin's laughter is so unguarded it lights him up, changes him. There's nothing sexual about their dance, but there's something about their perfect synchronisation as they move in tandem that makes Sehun feel like an intruder.
He waits a few more moments, hoping Jongin will notice him, until he reaches the limit of his patience and sends a light gust of wind rippling through Jongin's hair, causing the fringe he's pushed away from his forehead to fall back over his eyes.
Sehun leans forward - he likes to catch the exact moment when recognition flickers into Jongin's eyes - but today, there is none. The breaths that Sehun has gotten used to taking catch in his throat.
Jongin suddenly pauses and Sehun thinks to himself, ah, here he comes, but no-
Instead, Jongin rests a palm face down on the other boy's chest, right over his heartbeats. The room is quiet as they smile at each other - happy, warm, intimate.
Without thinking, Sehun places a hand on his own chest, then lets it hang limp at his side when he remembers how it used to be Jongin who always did that.
His chest aches, and Sehun wonders if this is what heartbreak feels like.
Sehun's lying on Jongin's bed reading one of the action manhwas he found lying around when Jongin comes back to the dorm. He pauses in the doorway when he sees Sehun and his smile is so genuine that his feelings of doubt immediately dissipate.
"How's that?" He motions towards the comic with his head, then pushes at Sehun to move over to make room for him under the covers. It feels like any other winter evening when Sehun has snuggled against Jongin in his bed, but as the still, cold quiet stretches out between them, the shadow of uncertainty hanging over Sehun grows and grows and finally he asks, "Who was the kid earlier?"
Jongin doesn't understand.
"What kid?"
"The one with you in the practice room before your practice started. The pretty one." Sehun's not sure why he tacked on that adjective at the end.
"Oh. Lu Han?"
Jongin lapses into silence again.
"Wait. You were there? Why didn't you say anything?"
"I did, I ruffled your hair and you didn't notice a thing."
"Huh." Jongin frowns. "That's odd. I didn't realise. I'm sorry, I'll pay more attention next time.
"Lu Han... He's just one of the trainees I mentioned to you earlier."
That's all he says, and then Jongin launches into a detailed description of their next comeback concept with such enthusiasm that Sehun gets caught up in his excitement and all thoughts of Lu Han are forgotten.
That is, until the next time Sehun materialises in the practice room and finds Jongin with Lu Han again. They're not dancing this time, but sitting with their backs against the mirror, chatting. Jongin's right side is lined up with Lu Han's left from hip to calf, and their heads bowed together as they laugh over a private joke conjures up a whirlwind of conflicting emotions in Sehun.
He tries to cough to attract Jongin's attention, but Lu Han's presence - his smile even more warm and blinding than Jongin's has ever been - poses an insurmountable barrier. He stirs up the wind in the room a little harder, but Sehun stops trying when Jongin leans to his right and carefully places a kiss on the corner of Lu Han's mouth.
Sehun takes to hiding in the dorm, where he's sure that at least Jongin will see him. It also means that he doesn't get to dance with Jongin anymore, but he's not sure that Jongin even notices.
It's a particularly frosty morning in late January, Sehun has burrowed himself under Jongin's duvet when Jongin nudges him with a cold foot and says, "Hey, I think I've thought of my fourth wish."
Sehun sits up so fast he drags the entire duvet with him and it falls to the floor. Jongin whines in annoyance but Sehun is too distracted to care.
"What is it?"
"This is going to sound stupid, but are you able to make a bunch of flowers grow in snow? Like, maybe in the middle of the empty field behind the dorm building?"
Sehun hearts sinks when he sees where this is going. But he gets up and stretches, "Your wish is my command."
Later, he watches Lu Han laugh and clap his hands in delight over the little patch of grass and daisies in the snow. Jongin has one arm slung over Lu Han's shoulder and the other tucked into a trouser pocket; he's smiling at Lu Han. Sehun marvels at how easily the human heart changes.
Jongin who used to guard his wishes so jealously. It figures that the one frivolous wish he makes is for someone else.
Sehun decides to leave for the season.
It's almost the end of winter when Sehun returns. He's not sure that Jongin needs him anymore, but he still wants to say goodbye.
He finds Jongin in his room, curled up in a corner, sobbing. When he pulls Jongin into his arms, the way Jongin's hands clutch at his shirt and the way his face tucks perfectly into his neck makes Sehun think of all the could-have-beens.
It's hard to find the right words to say when someone's been found kissing another boy in the company building's stairwell. Jongin's been suspended, and Lu Han's debut delayed indefinitely. Sehun wants to say, I told you to be careful, but he realises he never did. That was probably his third mistake.
Instead, he soothes the hiccuping sobs from Jongin and wipes the tears from his face with cold fingers.
"I wish I could do what I wanted. All I want is a little freedom, is that so hard to ask for? Wish I could come and go as I please. I don't know. Maybe I want to be like you."
When Jongin lifts his tear-stained face, it's the most beautiful Sehun has ever seen him.
"Remember what I said about wording?" Sehun asks sadly.
Jongin is the opposite of Sehun. He's a warm summer breeze. In the summer months, he zigzags through trees, pulls kites high into the air, and brushes hair out of laughing childrens' faces. On certain days he's muggy and cloying, on others refreshing and welcome.
After Lu Han debuts, Jongin often wafts into their group's practice room on a heatwave, watches the sweat roll down Lu Han's clavicle and disappear into the collar of his low-necked teeshirt.
Sometimes he surges forward and leaves a breath, a kiss on his cheek. Once in a while, Lu Han looks up, puzzled, as though wondering if someone is there. Most of the time Lu Han never notices.
Sometimes, Jongin meets Sehun on a summer afternoon when there's a freak cold spell. Usually it's a fleeting touch of fingers, and then he's gone. Once, there is hail in the summer, and in the middle of little cubes of ice raining around them, Sehun faces Jongin.
"Are you happy?"
It has been years, but Sehun still asks after him first. Jongin feels a twinge of regret.
"Could be better, but I'm not unhappy."
Sehun hums in understanding and they hover in comfortable silence for a few minutes, their hands drifting towards each other, fingers interlocking.
The sun comes shining through a cloud and Sehun starts to fade, his hand in Jongin's disappearing.
There's a last brush of cold air across his lips and Sehun is gone.
Jongin looks at the centre of Seoul spread out under him, then makes his way to the practice room where he knows Lu Han will be.