DoN't WaStE yOuR LiFe..
It's been a very long time since I have updated. Normally the only time I feel creative or make an effort at this is when it all hurts too much.
Too uncomfortable to be alive - too afraid to just not be.
Life feels, it seems very bad now. I know this is not the worst it has been or the worst it will get but it feels like it could be. I wake up in the morning feeling sad that I've survived another night (the nights I am well enough to sleep). I am obsessed with sleep. I want it, I love it, I crave it, I NEED it. It is the best place to escape .. It takes no money for gas and it is certain you will arrive there eventually. Sleep isn't always close by, though.
I lay in bed in the daytime, or the evening, or when it has become night and my heart slams in my chest hard enough to knock out my teeth. My head races faster than I could run for my life. Oh, and the dark.. Encroaching darkness makes me hope for peace, calm, and a much needed break as the world nestles into it's covers - but I seldom get that anymore. As the light fades I feel hope fade and all comfort and solace from surviving another day, spending a rare moment with a friend, feeding a frenzied addiction - the relief my brain tells me I NEED even with that I am a WRECK. I need to sleep and I need to get there fast as the journey there frightens me to no end. I hope to make that go away some day.
I assumeI am much too damaged to be good for anyone. Things still haunt me. I cry about Ed every day now. From numb to very broken. My brother dies tragicly and I can't stop messing around, getting sick, chasing my enemy. Why can't I do that to honor him? Addiction couldn't have me so the chemicals took him and now they're coming back for me.
An acquaintance told me the other day I just needed to start letting things go.. that he had lost many people in his life and that you just have to accept it. My fathers voice cracking and I could hear his heart shattering when I answered my phone "hello?" "Edward is dead" "He is dead" "Please go be with your mother" My brain switched to autopilot and my heart froze. What a horrible fucking mistake. This does not happen to ME. But it does... life happens to you and it's gonna sideswipe you, wrap it's bare hands around you, and it's gonna eat you alive. You want me to just "let things go" .. ?!?!! I know nothing's gonna change this but I'm not okay yet.. I still feel cheated and angry and shocked. Now I want to wrap MY bare hands around IT .. I wanna eat it alive. My forehead is on the steering wheel and I am crying and I am crying hard.
I have almost no one now. My life has become unmanageable and I've let my friends all slip away. It's okay I suppose as I can't even stand my own company. I know I've been thoughtless and careless. I know I've been cold and selfish and that people don't think good things should they remember or think of me and I am willing to accept that. I'm not OK with it, I'm not pleased, and I don't feel like this is settling. I'm just embracing truths and my reality. If people would listen, though, I'd tell everyone I am very very sorry.
I met Josh the other day.. Well, actually, I met him a few months ago and have seen him a time or two around common friends but only in a few minutes passing here and there. My assessment: he was handsome and polite but nothing more. The other day was the first time I'd ever spoken to him in words more than a brief greeting or a few lines of small talk. It was absolutely wonderful and yet it was terrible. Someone who has struggled like me, walked though a similar hell.. or is walking through it now.. and yet he coped like me. He made light of his misery and kept a good attitude. He was funny, sweet, and charming. I want better for you.
There are little moments in your life people create, so simple yet the impact is crater sized and you helplessly think of them for days on end. I'm not creepy or crazy or obsessed.. Something as simple as waiting for a friend to arrive turned into a very pleasant experience. You will come across people in your life that can reach through your chest and wrench out your heart with a sentence, a simple act, or even in passing. Some people have the innate ability to make YOU feel and it's not just a jump start to a comatose soul but they make you feel as if you are a person or thing of value. Not that others cannot do this, but some do it so easily, so simply, so well.
Simple conversations, stories he told me, these were all sad - Not that they were intended to upset me but there some things you just can't seem to hear about. He asked me about treatment and I knew instantly he was desperate for help, but he changed the subject on me quickly. This has bothered me to no end. I am reading this book A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and it is raw, brutal, painful, and all very easy to relate to. A story of an alcoholic and drug addict coming to terms with extreme pain, damage, and eventually finding the desire to survive. Many of the things Frey says are words that could of come from my mouth or any other addict or alcoholic. It breaks my heart to know i am him, he is me, and my new friend is trapped in a similar cage. People around me are suffering and I want to tell them to hang on and not waste their lives.. but I've been wasting my life for years now.
I want a change. I want better for myself and I want better for those still suffering as well.
I also want him out of my head. I am much too vulnerable to care in unchartered territory.
None of this makes any sense I'm sure. These words don't flow. I am so broken and so scattered I don't know how to do any better just yet.
Don't waste your life though.
Don't waste your life.
I have started listening to music again. I need music, I need art, I need to write. My chest cracks open and I bleed.
When my dreams are over
And my feet hit the floor
Is my will enough to move on
When we fight to get back
The love that we’ve lost
Will my hands be enough to push on
Tell me will I have enough to go on
When there’s nothing that we can’t afford to sacrifice
There’s no way they can put out your fire
There’s no way they can put out my fire
Cause we are alive
We are strong
We can’t watch it go for nothing
Watch until it’s gone
And we are down
But we can choose
We’ve got nothing else to live for
Nothing left to lose
Please forgive me.
Too uncomfortable to be alive - too afraid to just not be.
Life feels, it seems very bad now. I know this is not the worst it has been or the worst it will get but it feels like it could be. I wake up in the morning feeling sad that I've survived another night (the nights I am well enough to sleep). I am obsessed with sleep. I want it, I love it, I crave it, I NEED it. It is the best place to escape .. It takes no money for gas and it is certain you will arrive there eventually. Sleep isn't always close by, though.
I lay in bed in the daytime, or the evening, or when it has become night and my heart slams in my chest hard enough to knock out my teeth. My head races faster than I could run for my life. Oh, and the dark.. Encroaching darkness makes me hope for peace, calm, and a much needed break as the world nestles into it's covers - but I seldom get that anymore. As the light fades I feel hope fade and all comfort and solace from surviving another day, spending a rare moment with a friend, feeding a frenzied addiction - the relief my brain tells me I NEED even with that I am a WRECK. I need to sleep and I need to get there fast as the journey there frightens me to no end. I hope to make that go away some day.
I assumeI am much too damaged to be good for anyone. Things still haunt me. I cry about Ed every day now. From numb to very broken. My brother dies tragicly and I can't stop messing around, getting sick, chasing my enemy. Why can't I do that to honor him? Addiction couldn't have me so the chemicals took him and now they're coming back for me.
An acquaintance told me the other day I just needed to start letting things go.. that he had lost many people in his life and that you just have to accept it. My fathers voice cracking and I could hear his heart shattering when I answered my phone "hello?" "Edward is dead" "He is dead" "Please go be with your mother" My brain switched to autopilot and my heart froze. What a horrible fucking mistake. This does not happen to ME. But it does... life happens to you and it's gonna sideswipe you, wrap it's bare hands around you, and it's gonna eat you alive. You want me to just "let things go" .. ?!?!! I know nothing's gonna change this but I'm not okay yet.. I still feel cheated and angry and shocked. Now I want to wrap MY bare hands around IT .. I wanna eat it alive. My forehead is on the steering wheel and I am crying and I am crying hard.
I have almost no one now. My life has become unmanageable and I've let my friends all slip away. It's okay I suppose as I can't even stand my own company. I know I've been thoughtless and careless. I know I've been cold and selfish and that people don't think good things should they remember or think of me and I am willing to accept that. I'm not OK with it, I'm not pleased, and I don't feel like this is settling. I'm just embracing truths and my reality. If people would listen, though, I'd tell everyone I am very very sorry.
I met Josh the other day.. Well, actually, I met him a few months ago and have seen him a time or two around common friends but only in a few minutes passing here and there. My assessment: he was handsome and polite but nothing more. The other day was the first time I'd ever spoken to him in words more than a brief greeting or a few lines of small talk. It was absolutely wonderful and yet it was terrible. Someone who has struggled like me, walked though a similar hell.. or is walking through it now.. and yet he coped like me. He made light of his misery and kept a good attitude. He was funny, sweet, and charming. I want better for you.
There are little moments in your life people create, so simple yet the impact is crater sized and you helplessly think of them for days on end. I'm not creepy or crazy or obsessed.. Something as simple as waiting for a friend to arrive turned into a very pleasant experience. You will come across people in your life that can reach through your chest and wrench out your heart with a sentence, a simple act, or even in passing. Some people have the innate ability to make YOU feel and it's not just a jump start to a comatose soul but they make you feel as if you are a person or thing of value. Not that others cannot do this, but some do it so easily, so simply, so well.
Simple conversations, stories he told me, these were all sad - Not that they were intended to upset me but there some things you just can't seem to hear about. He asked me about treatment and I knew instantly he was desperate for help, but he changed the subject on me quickly. This has bothered me to no end. I am reading this book A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and it is raw, brutal, painful, and all very easy to relate to. A story of an alcoholic and drug addict coming to terms with extreme pain, damage, and eventually finding the desire to survive. Many of the things Frey says are words that could of come from my mouth or any other addict or alcoholic. It breaks my heart to know i am him, he is me, and my new friend is trapped in a similar cage. People around me are suffering and I want to tell them to hang on and not waste their lives.. but I've been wasting my life for years now.
I want a change. I want better for myself and I want better for those still suffering as well.
I also want him out of my head. I am much too vulnerable to care in unchartered territory.
None of this makes any sense I'm sure. These words don't flow. I am so broken and so scattered I don't know how to do any better just yet.
Don't waste your life though.
Don't waste your life.
I have started listening to music again. I need music, I need art, I need to write. My chest cracks open and I bleed.
When my dreams are over
And my feet hit the floor
Is my will enough to move on
When we fight to get back
The love that we’ve lost
Will my hands be enough to push on
Tell me will I have enough to go on
When there’s nothing that we can’t afford to sacrifice
There’s no way they can put out your fire
There’s no way they can put out my fire
Cause we are alive
We are strong
We can’t watch it go for nothing
Watch until it’s gone
And we are down
But we can choose
We’ve got nothing else to live for
Nothing left to lose
Please forgive me.