Fever Dreams pt 4---for ayeayecap

[loveis4kids]

The stone cold nature that Natasha affects as a Black Widow operative---yes, she's considered an operative now, graduated from a trainee, thanks to The Winter Soldier, whom also helped to transition her from inexperienced girl, to inexperienced and hurt woman---has been serving her well.  She has taken her training even more seriously, if at all

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[ayeayecap]

[ooc: Sorry it took me so long! I'm sooo full of fail. >.<]

Natalia has never been his. He was always meant to train her and that's all, and when he was done, she'd go a different way. Just like any other trainee. But he gets the feeling that the reason he's been seeing so little of her lately is not just the fight they had.

The Soldier knows all about what it's like to have his mind molded, memories erased, and he wouldn't wish that on anyone. No, Natalia was never his, but when he starts to suspect that they're mangling her mind, he feels rage and protectiveness surge through him. Not her. Not Natasha. He doesn't want that combination of naivete and deadliness that he loves about her (and he startles himself by thinking in terms of "love") to die. But his hands are tied. He can't do anything to stop it, and if the higher-ups caught wind of what there really was between himself and Natasha (which, to be honest, he's not entirely sure of himself), they would mess with his own mind again. As much as he doesn't want that to happen to Natasha, his own mind does still come first. He doesn't know how many times they've already poked around in his head, but he does know he can prevent it from happening again.

When he hears a knock on his door outside of "business hours," he is both surprised and not. He answers the door, looking at the nervous young woman expectantly.

[loveis4kids]

[ooc: Don't worry about it. I've been working on Camp Nano and tags have been really slow.]

She looks defeated. That's the word that will be blinking in the operative side of anyone's mind when they see her right now. No longer the confident warrior, no longer the newest and one of the most promising spies; she is defeated, and turned to the only person she could think of.

This is not an admittance that she was wrong, or that she's forgiven him for throwing her out. No, in fact it's no where near that. It's trying to find out if that really happened. She needs comfort, she needs someone that understands, and heaven help him if he tries to throw her out again. She may just lose it completely.

She looks up at him arms wrapped around herself in her jacket and hat dusted in snow. "May I come in, please," she asks in much less accented English.

[ayeayecap]

He won't be asking her to leave. Not when she looks like that. And, yes, he does miss her. He has to resist the urge to pull her into his arms. Instead, he steps aside, gesturing for her to come in. "Of course."

[loveis4kids]

She moves into his rooms without another word, head tilted down. Even with the warmth of the heat in his room, she doesn't move to take off her hat or jacket. She just settles on the couch, and makes herself small. "Comrade," she says, finally. "I apologize for barging in." It's formal, and her words are stilted, not because she's searching for the right ones to use in English, but simply because everything in her head is just like that right now. "I just didn't know where else to go."

[ayeayecap]

"You couldn't barge in if you tried," he says, a smile coming across his face. "I let you in." He's already falling into his old habit of flirting with her when there're alone like this. Damn it.

But her worry tells him this is not the right time for that. Theoretically, there is no time, but evidence would point to it being impossible for him to stop himself from doing it. He sits beside her on the couch. "What do you want to talk about?"

[loveis4kids]

She wants to make a biting remark about how her entire life is on someone else's terms, but the comment dies in her throat and for a second she forgets why she'd even thought that. She's a ballerina, and is trying to train for a performance. She's not an agent of anything.

Or is she? Did she kill that man with her bare hands? Did she make love to this strange man that she can't ever seem to make much sense of? Did he really throw her out of bed?

She couldn't remember. Just like she couldn't remember what her life was like before this place. She peers at him as he sits down. "I don't know," she says, as she grabs a throw pillow and wraps her arms around it.

[ayeayecap]

He frowns. This isn't the woman he knows. She seems overwhelmed with confusion and fear, and he feels a tug at what's left of his heart. "Natasha," he says, hyper-aware of the gentle tone his voice takes. "What is it?"

[loveis4kids]

Without thinking, and without the full awareness she is doing it, her fingers inch toward his, wanting to touch him and be touched. It's not sexual; for the first time in a long time it's a simple human gesture. "I...I'm one of the 28 ballerinas with the Bolshoi," she answers, eyes fixed on a water ring staining his coffee table. "The training is hard, but I do it for the glory of our Soviet culture." It doesn't make sense, and she's not sure if that was supposed to be the answer he wanted from her.

"I don't know why I'm here, Comrade," she says, finally looking at him. "I need your help remembering."

[ayeayecap]

Right now, it doesn't matter what's been between them. Something tells him she doesn't remember it, anyway. He takes her hand, brows furrowing with worry. "Natasha...what have they done to you?" A part of him already knows. They've done it to him plenty of times. But it breaks his heart to see it done to Natasha.

[loveis4kids]

Her eyes slide over him, and she tries her best to give him a serene smile. Her eyes don't match it; her eyes are glossy, fixed, and not reacting quite the way they should. "They went inside and scooped out the truth," she says, voice soft, hurt. "They have more to scoop out soon. Not just in my head."

[ayeayecap]

His jaw sets, the only outward sign of his anger. "Is this your first time?" It seems like an unsympathetic question, but it's actually the opposite. More than that, it's important. The soldier has had the truth scooped out of him, too, and while he may not know how many times it's happened, he does know that it's happened. If they had done it to her before, she'd know.

There's something about her last statement that stays with him. Not just in my head. What could that mean?

"Have they done this to you?"

[loveis4kids]

She looks back down at her hands, almost submissively, to his small show of anger. She doesn't take it badly, the question, that is, but has to take a moment to think. "When I was very small, I think they scooped it out before. But not for a long, long time." The scooped out the truth about her family, and the fire that burned down her home. About her parents and brother. Yes, all that has been scooped and replaced with a fiction that supports her idea that they---the people running the Red Rooms---are the only people to care about her.

His next question, she doesn't know if he wants another answer, or what she should give him. So, instead, she settles to rest her head on the arm of the couch, ignoring the fact that it probably isn't proper to settle her legs across his lap as she lies down, but she doesn't care. He's the closest she's got to a friend, and she managed to hang onto that even through the Powers-that-Be dug through her memories with melon baller and took out what they didn't want her to have.

[ayeayecap]

It feels like his heart is about to burst when she stretches her legs across his lap. He's pretty sure he's never been in love, even before the brainwashing, but he thinks this is what it's like. This is bad; they're assassins. Spies. They can't afford to be in love. That, however, did not excuse their reprogramming her. He's not arrogant enough to think that they're doing this because of him- because of them; he knows they would have done this no matter what. It doesn't make it any less painful.

He rests his hands on her legs and then hesitantly starts to rub them. Slow, soothing movements, meant to help make her calm.

[loveis4kids]

She kicks off her low heeled shoes, and relaxes some, under his hands. She doesn't remember everything, but they couldn't peel away the feeling that he'd be a source of understanding and comfort to her. Watching him think, makes her go quiet and introspective---not that the introspection is true, since all she's considering are false memories that she knows weren't there yesterday. But he's calming. Soothing.

"They're planning to do something to me. Some sort...of new serum," she says, finally. Softly. It's clear that she's not overly thrilled about the prospect. "I wish they'd leave me alone."

[ayeayecap]

He's relieved that she does seem to be relaxing some, but troubled by the mention of a serum. "What kind of serum? What's it supposed to do?"

[loveis4kids]

A sigh and a shrug. She doesn't know. They don't even really know, do they? "Stronger, live longer...I don't really know what all. I'm not sure they do either."