They Want You to be What They Make You
Title: They Want You to be What They Make You
Prompt: #23: Sound
Pairing: Gabriel/Sam
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Very vague season 7
Warnings: Loads of angst, allusions to self-harm
Word Count: 832
Summary: Sam debates reality and is torn between the devil in his head and the angel in his heart.
Notes: Uh, yeah. Not for the faint of heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes(everyday) Sam believes none of it was ever real.
That the entire life he thinks he remembers is a lie. That he has never had a brother he loves more then life itself. That he has never lived in a world broken by his own hand and fixed by the same. That he has never fallen in love with an angel, never saved lives and hunter monsters, never laughed in an empty field with a sweating beer in hand, never turned his back on the ones he loved, never turned around and threw away everything for those same loves, never fell in a hole that didn't end for thousand of years, never hit the dirt with skin coated in sticky, shiny blood he wasn't sure was his own, never never never.
He could go on and on and on and doubt everything he's ever thought, seen, touched, tasted, heard, remembered and he usually does.
He doubts and ponders and wonders and struggles for hours every day, every day, and always comes back to the same question. Was it ever real? Or was the voice in his head that calls itself Lucifer right? He doesn't even know why he has a voice in his head going by the devil's name(did he really fall for thousands of years with Lucifer?) but it always says the same thing.
That this life he thinks he remembers is not real. That he will not know the truth until he takes it upon himself to end it all. Sam doesn't have to know real from fake to know exactly what the voice means. And he thinks about it, he does. He wonders what would happen if he were to follow the devil's advice.
Would he finally get his answers?
He thinks about it every day but hasn't yet tried it because every time he gets to the edge of the blade, the angel that his memories tell him he fell in love with(but that also say should be dead) appears. The sugar smelling, Grace shiny angel always stays his hand and whispers things of love and faith that coincide with what he thinks he remembers and the angel's presence always pushes away that slithery cold voice in his mind.
He hears things that sound like names he thinks he knows or maybe should know only can't be sure of but the angel never pushes. Never punishes or taunts or breaks him down just to see whether or not he can still cry.
He likes the angel more then the voice(he should, he loves the angel and hates the devil, at least that's how he thinks he remembers it) but it's getting harder. Harder to believe the angel over the mocking certainty of the doubts in his mind.
It's because of how much he likes the angel that Sam begins to believe the devil more. He remembers(is it real or not? Does it matter anymore?) what he's done, all the terrible things that lie solely on him and he knows too that because of those things he can never be blessed with something so beautiful as the angel.
He knows the difference between angel and devil and knows too that he was never anything like the former. The very same names of monster and freak and something to be hunted surfaces in his memory and the voice in his mind latches onto them with fingers of frozen glee. Whips them at him from all sides and it burns into him as if they were spoken aloud in the voice of the one who raised him and loved him and who he turned around and betrayed.
Eventually Sam comes to the realization that he will never know if he doesn't pick one of the directions he's being pulled to.
The angel begs him to remember, to believe, to fight: 'Don't let him win, damnit, Sammy!', and he wants to. Wants it so badly it hurts almost as much as the time he could only watch as the monster under his skin(or was that just him?) tried to murder his brother.
But the devil is closer and the things it says feel more real then the promises of something he knows he doesn't deserve and can't ever have. It prods him into action, sensing his weakness like a shark, and parades a series of snapshots from the life he thinks he remembers in front of him until he has no other choice.
He has to know the truth, for once and for all. Was he truly the dark and dirty thing his memories show or was the bright light of the angel right? He wants to believe the angel, he does but if he is to ever be worthy of the angel's offering he needs to know.
Sam picks up the blade, sets it to the thin skin of his wrist and faces the devil in his mind. He needs to know...
The angel shows up too late to stop it.
Prompt: #23: Sound
Pairing: Gabriel/Sam
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Very vague season 7
Warnings: Loads of angst, allusions to self-harm
Word Count: 832
Summary: Sam debates reality and is torn between the devil in his head and the angel in his heart.
Notes: Uh, yeah. Not for the faint of heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes(everyday) Sam believes none of it was ever real.
That the entire life he thinks he remembers is a lie. That he has never had a brother he loves more then life itself. That he has never lived in a world broken by his own hand and fixed by the same. That he has never fallen in love with an angel, never saved lives and hunter monsters, never laughed in an empty field with a sweating beer in hand, never turned his back on the ones he loved, never turned around and threw away everything for those same loves, never fell in a hole that didn't end for thousand of years, never hit the dirt with skin coated in sticky, shiny blood he wasn't sure was his own, never never never.
He could go on and on and on and doubt everything he's ever thought, seen, touched, tasted, heard, remembered and he usually does.
He doubts and ponders and wonders and struggles for hours every day, every day, and always comes back to the same question. Was it ever real? Or was the voice in his head that calls itself Lucifer right? He doesn't even know why he has a voice in his head going by the devil's name(did he really fall for thousands of years with Lucifer?) but it always says the same thing.
That this life he thinks he remembers is not real. That he will not know the truth until he takes it upon himself to end it all. Sam doesn't have to know real from fake to know exactly what the voice means. And he thinks about it, he does. He wonders what would happen if he were to follow the devil's advice.
Would he finally get his answers?
He thinks about it every day but hasn't yet tried it because every time he gets to the edge of the blade, the angel that his memories tell him he fell in love with(but that also say should be dead) appears. The sugar smelling, Grace shiny angel always stays his hand and whispers things of love and faith that coincide with what he thinks he remembers and the angel's presence always pushes away that slithery cold voice in his mind.
He hears things that sound like names he thinks he knows or maybe should know only can't be sure of but the angel never pushes. Never punishes or taunts or breaks him down just to see whether or not he can still cry.
He likes the angel more then the voice(he should, he loves the angel and hates the devil, at least that's how he thinks he remembers it) but it's getting harder. Harder to believe the angel over the mocking certainty of the doubts in his mind.
It's because of how much he likes the angel that Sam begins to believe the devil more. He remembers(is it real or not? Does it matter anymore?) what he's done, all the terrible things that lie solely on him and he knows too that because of those things he can never be blessed with something so beautiful as the angel.
He knows the difference between angel and devil and knows too that he was never anything like the former. The very same names of monster and freak and something to be hunted surfaces in his memory and the voice in his mind latches onto them with fingers of frozen glee. Whips them at him from all sides and it burns into him as if they were spoken aloud in the voice of the one who raised him and loved him and who he turned around and betrayed.
Eventually Sam comes to the realization that he will never know if he doesn't pick one of the directions he's being pulled to.
The angel begs him to remember, to believe, to fight: 'Don't let him win, damnit, Sammy!', and he wants to. Wants it so badly it hurts almost as much as the time he could only watch as the monster under his skin(or was that just him?) tried to murder his brother.
But the devil is closer and the things it says feel more real then the promises of something he knows he doesn't deserve and can't ever have. It prods him into action, sensing his weakness like a shark, and parades a series of snapshots from the life he thinks he remembers in front of him until he has no other choice.
He has to know the truth, for once and for all. Was he truly the dark and dirty thing his memories show or was the bright light of the angel right? He wants to believe the angel, he does but if he is to ever be worthy of the angel's offering he needs to know.
Sam picks up the blade, sets it to the thin skin of his wrist and faces the devil in his mind. He needs to know...
The angel shows up too late to stop it.