How the World was Really Saved
Title: How the World was Really Saved
Pairing: Mostly Gen, some Gabriel/Sam, Dean/Castiel hinted to.
Rating: PG-15
Word Count: 1296
Spoilers: General Season 4&5 stuff, like the angels and Lucifer.
Warnings: Pure Crack, Pure humor, not much else.
Notes/Summary: Written for mangacrack over at comment_fic for the following prompt: Supernatural: Sam. Fuck Lucifer, fuck the apocalypse: Sam's out of coffee. Things are about to get ugly.
I adored this prompt so I promptly(*grins*) wrote it. It's my attempt at humorous crack, let me know how I've passed or failed. ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Dean wakes up that morning, he takes one look at his little brother's face and shudders. Slowly, carefully, he pulls himself out of bed and was relieved when the movement didn't attract Sam's attention from where he is glowering at the far wall. Dean suspects he knows what that look is about and a glance at the portable coffee maker on the small hotel table confirms it.
Sam's out of coffee.
Panicking, Dean tries to remember if it was his turn the last time they needed supplies and whether or not Sam was going to murder him for forgetting. To his relief though, he remembers that last time it had been Sam's turn, so this was all on his little brother.
Still leery, Dean knows better then to say good morning and instead pulls on some clothes. "Hey Sam," he says cautiously, "you want to hit a Starbucks on the way out of town?"
Sam looks at him then and he winces. There are deep shadows under his brother's eyes and he looks fucking exhausted. He looks only vaguely homicidal so Dean thinks maybe Sam's too tired from Lucifer's nightmares to really kick up a fuss. Then Sam scowls darkly and Dean forgets all about that idea.
"No." his brother says quietly. "I'm waiting."
Dean takes a look around their hotel, at the peeling wallpaper, the broken lamp, the browned portion of ceiling and blinks. "For what?"
"Lucifer."
Dean blinks again, feeling his heart skip a beat. "Wah? What? Sammy?"
"I went to sleep again, called him in the dream and told him where we are." Sam calmly says, not kidding in the slightest.
For the moment, Dean doesn't even have anything to say to that. Luckily Sam seems to understand and continues.
"I'm sick of it Dean. All of it. This ends now."
Just as the eldest Winchester is starting to mentally freak the hell out, the room chills and they're no longer alone. Lucifer is standing at the other end of the small table where Sam is seated with his useless coffee maker.
"Sam, it's so good to see that you've come to your senses." Lucifer purrs, sounding so self-satisfied and slick that Dean just wants to hurl. Sam looks to think about the same.
"I have."
"So, you are ready to tell me yes?"
"No. I already told you I'm never saying that. I called you here for another reason."
Lucifer frowns slightly, and tilts his head. "Oh?"
"It's over, Lucifer." Sam doesn't stand, doesn't move at all and yet somehow Dean gets the sense that he's looming. Despite his brother's freakish height, Sam's never been one to loom. He's really rather too passive for that. "I won't be your vessel, I won't help you destroy the world because you're having a tempter tantrum and I won't let you fuck with my head anymore."
The Devil scowls, looking not at all impressed and takes a step forward, though Sam doesn't waver. "I would watch how you're talking, Samuel, I might take offense."
"Go for it." Sam yawned and pushed his empty coffee mug to the side to rest his chin on his palm, elbow on the table. "You can't do shit beyond giving me nightmares. And even that's pathetic. I mean seriously, you are so far from original that my own dreams bore me. All you ever show me are death and destruction, as if I don't already get the point. I'm sorry but it's hard to be intimidated by you showing me repeats of things I've already seen."
Lucifer's jaw had dropped and he's staring at Sam like he has no idea how to handle this new development of his vessel's lack of fear.
Dean was just pretty sure he'd stopped breathing about the same time Sam started speaking. He looks between his brother and the Devil nervously but Sam is grumpy and petulant in the face of Lucifer's confusion.
"I don't...understand." Lucifer says slowly. "What has happened to bring about this...intervention?"
And with a start, Dean realizes that's exactly what this bizarre situation is. Sam has staged his own, personal intervention against Satan. Holy crap...
Sam waves a hand dismissively and sighs. "I woke up this morning and realized we're out of coffee then I got thinking about how much this entire situation is such a load of childish shit it was sickening. So, I decided enough was enough and called you here. Now, you are going to stand there and listen to me then once I'm done you may go."
Eyes wide, Lucifer can't seem to muster the ability to get angry he's so thrown off.
"You, Mr.Satan, are behaving like a total child. A child with cosmic powers but a child all the same. You're fight is with your family and the issues you have are also with them. Don't try to say otherwise because I know you're lying off your ass. Therefore, since this whole thing is about your family, take it to your family and leave the rest of us alone. I mean, seriously, this is your mess, you clean it up. We have done nothing to you, therefore you have no reason to take your issues out on us. Understand?"
Dean's been scolded by Sam before but nothing like this and he's so glad to be able to say that. Because Lucifer looks shell-shocked and hurt and guilty of all things. To Dean's, increasing, shock Lucifer nods once to Sam's demand and shifts uncomfortably.
Sam stares at the Devil with narrowed, bloodshot eyes before nodding in satisfaction and makes a shooing motion with his hand. "Alright, so long as you understand. You can go now."
Like a child eager to escape his chiding parent, Lucifer flees and Dean sits down hard on his bed. "Holy shit, Sammy." he says faintly.
Little brother Winchester, supposed Demon Boy King, looks at Dean and gives a tight smile. "Now we can go to Starbucks."
***And because I could but totally can't leave it here.***
A snap fills the room and suddenly a huge, frothy, foamy, sugar filled coffee thing is sitting on the table right in front of Sam. Sam latches onto the questionable beverage like a dying man and only Dean looks up to see Gabriel lounging against the wall.
The angel lifts a brow at Dean's expression and shrugs. "What? Like I'm the only one who found that hot?" he says with a snort.
Dean blanches and shakes his head, muttering to himself about oversharing angels and more-effort-then-their-worth brothers.
But hey, at least now the Apocalypse has been successfully called off if the resultant magically appearing coffees on the table are to go by. Each one of them has a label that states an apology from every angel and demon douchebag that has been fucking with them lately. Each one is addressed to Sam.
His brother looks to be in heaven as he samples each coffee and makes vaguely(or not so vague) sexual noises of appreciation. As he watches the sight, Dean hears Gabriel mutter darkly to himself about 'copycats' trying to snake their way into his territory. Dean thinks he should be horrified by the implications of that but for the most part he's...well he's still too shocked to really feel much at all.
And so when Castiel appears in a dramatic flourish of tan trench coat Dean wastes no time jumping the angel and begging him to take him away. Bewildered, Castiel takes a look at the scene to greet him and does as his charge asks, feeling no desire at all to question.
The last thing Dean sees before Castiel takes him away is Gabriel's predatory gaze on his distracted brother as the angel stalks toward him. Dean's never been so happy for his angel's impeccable timing.
Pairing: Mostly Gen, some Gabriel/Sam, Dean/Castiel hinted to.
Rating: PG-15
Word Count: 1296
Spoilers: General Season 4&5 stuff, like the angels and Lucifer.
Warnings: Pure Crack, Pure humor, not much else.
Notes/Summary: Written for mangacrack over at comment_fic for the following prompt: Supernatural: Sam. Fuck Lucifer, fuck the apocalypse: Sam's out of coffee. Things are about to get ugly.
I adored this prompt so I promptly(*grins*) wrote it. It's my attempt at humorous crack, let me know how I've passed or failed. ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Dean wakes up that morning, he takes one look at his little brother's face and shudders. Slowly, carefully, he pulls himself out of bed and was relieved when the movement didn't attract Sam's attention from where he is glowering at the far wall. Dean suspects he knows what that look is about and a glance at the portable coffee maker on the small hotel table confirms it.
Sam's out of coffee.
Panicking, Dean tries to remember if it was his turn the last time they needed supplies and whether or not Sam was going to murder him for forgetting. To his relief though, he remembers that last time it had been Sam's turn, so this was all on his little brother.
Still leery, Dean knows better then to say good morning and instead pulls on some clothes. "Hey Sam," he says cautiously, "you want to hit a Starbucks on the way out of town?"
Sam looks at him then and he winces. There are deep shadows under his brother's eyes and he looks fucking exhausted. He looks only vaguely homicidal so Dean thinks maybe Sam's too tired from Lucifer's nightmares to really kick up a fuss. Then Sam scowls darkly and Dean forgets all about that idea.
"No." his brother says quietly. "I'm waiting."
Dean takes a look around their hotel, at the peeling wallpaper, the broken lamp, the browned portion of ceiling and blinks. "For what?"
"Lucifer."
Dean blinks again, feeling his heart skip a beat. "Wah? What? Sammy?"
"I went to sleep again, called him in the dream and told him where we are." Sam calmly says, not kidding in the slightest.
For the moment, Dean doesn't even have anything to say to that. Luckily Sam seems to understand and continues.
"I'm sick of it Dean. All of it. This ends now."
Just as the eldest Winchester is starting to mentally freak the hell out, the room chills and they're no longer alone. Lucifer is standing at the other end of the small table where Sam is seated with his useless coffee maker.
"Sam, it's so good to see that you've come to your senses." Lucifer purrs, sounding so self-satisfied and slick that Dean just wants to hurl. Sam looks to think about the same.
"I have."
"So, you are ready to tell me yes?"
"No. I already told you I'm never saying that. I called you here for another reason."
Lucifer frowns slightly, and tilts his head. "Oh?"
"It's over, Lucifer." Sam doesn't stand, doesn't move at all and yet somehow Dean gets the sense that he's looming. Despite his brother's freakish height, Sam's never been one to loom. He's really rather too passive for that. "I won't be your vessel, I won't help you destroy the world because you're having a tempter tantrum and I won't let you fuck with my head anymore."
The Devil scowls, looking not at all impressed and takes a step forward, though Sam doesn't waver. "I would watch how you're talking, Samuel, I might take offense."
"Go for it." Sam yawned and pushed his empty coffee mug to the side to rest his chin on his palm, elbow on the table. "You can't do shit beyond giving me nightmares. And even that's pathetic. I mean seriously, you are so far from original that my own dreams bore me. All you ever show me are death and destruction, as if I don't already get the point. I'm sorry but it's hard to be intimidated by you showing me repeats of things I've already seen."
Lucifer's jaw had dropped and he's staring at Sam like he has no idea how to handle this new development of his vessel's lack of fear.
Dean was just pretty sure he'd stopped breathing about the same time Sam started speaking. He looks between his brother and the Devil nervously but Sam is grumpy and petulant in the face of Lucifer's confusion.
"I don't...understand." Lucifer says slowly. "What has happened to bring about this...intervention?"
And with a start, Dean realizes that's exactly what this bizarre situation is. Sam has staged his own, personal intervention against Satan. Holy crap...
Sam waves a hand dismissively and sighs. "I woke up this morning and realized we're out of coffee then I got thinking about how much this entire situation is such a load of childish shit it was sickening. So, I decided enough was enough and called you here. Now, you are going to stand there and listen to me then once I'm done you may go."
Eyes wide, Lucifer can't seem to muster the ability to get angry he's so thrown off.
"You, Mr.Satan, are behaving like a total child. A child with cosmic powers but a child all the same. You're fight is with your family and the issues you have are also with them. Don't try to say otherwise because I know you're lying off your ass. Therefore, since this whole thing is about your family, take it to your family and leave the rest of us alone. I mean, seriously, this is your mess, you clean it up. We have done nothing to you, therefore you have no reason to take your issues out on us. Understand?"
Dean's been scolded by Sam before but nothing like this and he's so glad to be able to say that. Because Lucifer looks shell-shocked and hurt and guilty of all things. To Dean's, increasing, shock Lucifer nods once to Sam's demand and shifts uncomfortably.
Sam stares at the Devil with narrowed, bloodshot eyes before nodding in satisfaction and makes a shooing motion with his hand. "Alright, so long as you understand. You can go now."
Like a child eager to escape his chiding parent, Lucifer flees and Dean sits down hard on his bed. "Holy shit, Sammy." he says faintly.
Little brother Winchester, supposed Demon Boy King, looks at Dean and gives a tight smile. "Now we can go to Starbucks."
***And because I could but totally can't leave it here.***
A snap fills the room and suddenly a huge, frothy, foamy, sugar filled coffee thing is sitting on the table right in front of Sam. Sam latches onto the questionable beverage like a dying man and only Dean looks up to see Gabriel lounging against the wall.
The angel lifts a brow at Dean's expression and shrugs. "What? Like I'm the only one who found that hot?" he says with a snort.
Dean blanches and shakes his head, muttering to himself about oversharing angels and more-effort-then-their-worth brothers.
But hey, at least now the Apocalypse has been successfully called off if the resultant magically appearing coffees on the table are to go by. Each one of them has a label that states an apology from every angel and demon douchebag that has been fucking with them lately. Each one is addressed to Sam.
His brother looks to be in heaven as he samples each coffee and makes vaguely(or not so vague) sexual noises of appreciation. As he watches the sight, Dean hears Gabriel mutter darkly to himself about 'copycats' trying to snake their way into his territory. Dean thinks he should be horrified by the implications of that but for the most part he's...well he's still too shocked to really feel much at all.
And so when Castiel appears in a dramatic flourish of tan trench coat Dean wastes no time jumping the angel and begging him to take him away. Bewildered, Castiel takes a look at the scene to greet him and does as his charge asks, feeling no desire at all to question.
The last thing Dean sees before Castiel takes him away is Gabriel's predatory gaze on his distracted brother as the angel stalks toward him. Dean's never been so happy for his angel's impeccable timing.