r o s e d u s t, chp 8

[loveholic198]

• c h a p t e r 8 •

“Slow down, I can barely understand a word you’re saying…”

Key’s head was swimming, everything around him pitch dark where he couldn’t open his eyes or move his body. All he could hear was a muffled voice he couldn’t yet recognize, prickling like sharp needles at his ears and dragging him unwillingly into consciousness.

”Don’t cry, nuna. Please don’t cry...”

The voice became clearer and clearer until Key was able to distinguish it as Taemin, sounding distressed and tired, apparently talking on the phone. Key’s mind was still too clouded with sleep to register what he was talking about, and before he knew it, there was a pattering of rapid footsteps. A pair of hands shot out and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him hard and startling him awake.

“Hyung, wake up!”

Key’s eyes snapped open, his vision blurry as it met with the harsh light of the room, instantly blinding him. He squinted, hearing the sound of heavy breathing and a rapid heartbeat as the hands grasping him pulled him closer, the outline of Taemin’s face coming into focus.

“Hyung!” Taemin cried again. The echoing faded, the voice becoming clear and frantic, booming in his head. “Wake up! Hara nuna…”

Key mindlessly shoved the younger member off unexpectedly hard, causing Taemin to fall back and barely catch himself from hitting the floor. Key pushed himself up unsteadily, a surge of pain searing through his bones when he realized too late that his body was aching all over from falling asleep on the floor. His head was still pounding from shock, his temper short and ready to lash out in frustration but he stopped at the sight of Taemin beside him, looking white as a ghost with fresh tears in his eyes.

“Hara nuna is missing.”

Key opened his mouth to speak but instead started coughing hoarsely, his throat closed up from sleep. He weakly tried to stand despite his knees giving way, Taemin quickly getting up and taking his arm with a strong grip. It was very strong, much to Key’s surprise, feeling his own limps trembling. He now realized he hadn’t fallen asleep at all; he had blacked out and was still utterly drained of energy.

Still in Minho’s room.

Blood rushed to his head along with his lucidity and Key sprang to his feet, staggering over to grab hold of the wall. He placed a hand on his forehead, a wave of panic plunging into the pit of his stomach as all his worst fears flashed vividly before his eyes.

Hara.

Frantically, he patted around his clothes for his phone, pulling it out from his back pocket. He had accidentally turned it on silent, with 17 missed calls from Nicole when he was sleeping.

Hara had disappeared from the hospital with the window of her room left open, and no one knew for certain how long she had been gone.

Nicole repeatedly called Key’s phone before calling the others when he failed to answer. Taemin picked up first and was met with hysterical crying and words he couldn’t make out, only recognizing it to be Nicole’s voice and that she was repeating over and over again if Hara was there, if she was at their dorm, if he could tell her that Hara was safe with them.

But to none of those questions Taemin could answer yes.

Key had been in Minho’s room the whole time and Taemin was the only other member who finished his schedules and returned home; neither of them had seen or heard anything in the past few hours. The manager who drove Taemin back from the fansigning was the only one to have left the building to the local grocery store a few minutes before Nicole called, and he hadn’t taken his car.

Taemin pointed out he hadn’t been in the living room the entire time to be sure she never came; it wouldn’t be the first time Hara sneaked into the dorm unnoticed. Now with a clear mind, Key slipped the phone back into his pocket and the two boys quickly split up, with Key to check the rooms and corridors while Taemin headed outside to search around the apartment.

Key knew it would have been reasonable to immediately return Nicole’s calls, to let her know that he cared, but it calling now with no news about Hara would only further cause distress in this time of crisis. He already couldn’t stand the thought of Nicole crying again, even just hearing Taemin telling him about the sound of her voice was unbearable.

They hadn’t called the police, he was sure of it. It was dangerous but Key knew the company made the right decision right now. The girls wouldn’t be able to do anything either; the media barely allowed them to protect themselves. Key didn’t want to know how bad it’d get, being able to far too easily picture all the horrible possibilities.

With no sign of her and absolutely no idea which direction to start looking, it was only a matter of time before they had no choice but to turn to the authorities for help, and when that happened, the situation would be completely out of their control.

A lump formed in his throat when he found himself kneeling to look under Onew’s bed, heat rushing to his cheeks at the anger and frustration. He couldn’t believe this, it was as if they were searching for a child who wandered out of sight.

He inhaled heavily as he lowered down to the floor, his palm pressed bruisingly hard on the ground as it supported his weight. A drop of sweat rolled down the side of his face and landed with a splash on the back of his hand. Nothing.

It was the last place to look, and there was nothing.

He couldn’t even understand why he even had that last flake of hope she might have been there, why he was waiting on some miraculous twist for Hara to be here… safe, alive, normal… that everything that had happened was nothing more than a horrible dream that had dragged out for too long.

A vertiginous falling sensation spiraled inside Key’s head as he pushed himself up from the floor, making him nauseous. He staggered, one hand holding onto Onew’s bed and the other flying to his mouth.

There was a noise and Taemin burst through the front door, breathing heavily from running around outside non-stop for the last couple of minutes. He paused to exhale deeply, his body bent forward with his hands on his knees.

“No one has seen her,” he rasped. He straightened up again unsteadily and ran a hand through his hair, revealing a sweat-drenched hairline. “She never came anywhere near here.”

Still out of breath, Taemin glanced around the empty main room for a brief moment before he naturally turned his head to the nearest room, catching sight of Key sitting on the floor. Taemin started to approach him but then froze, hesitating on what to do. He took one more lurching step towards him out of instinct before he stopped himself again, biting his lip nervously.

“Hyung,” Taemin said cautiously. “Are you alright?” He drew closer, reaching out and to gently touch Key’s left shoulder, but the older boy cringed away from him.

“I’m fine,” Key murmured in a low voice, not looking at him. He cleared his throat and pushed himself to his feet, dusting his trousers in a failed attempt to be casual. “Just fine.”

Taemin watched him fearfully; Key was incredibly pale, his hand noticeably shaking as he raised it to brush aside the hair out of his eyes. Taemin looked to the front door and back, wishing more than anything there was someone else here with them, another hyung who would know what to do when Key was like this.

“You should rest,” Taemin said softly. “Just for a little while. I’ll get you something to drink.”

Key didn’t answer or show any signs that he heard him, suddenly turning and pushing past his bandmate to the living room. Taemin stumbled back slightly at the force, looking after him wearily.

“Hyung, please…”

Key shook his head distractedly.

Think, think. She wasn’t at the dorm; that just meant the worst was a reality now. If she wasn’t here, then where was she? Why did she get out today? How did she get out? Where else could she possibly have gone if it wasn’t here? There wasn’t anywhere else safe enough for her to go…

Taemin lingered out of the room, too exhausted to do anything. He could only watch as Key paced up and down, up and down, up and down, breathing in short huffs and clutching his head in his hands like a madman, his eyes darting from side to side to concentrate, to try and think properly as his mind filled uncontrollably with a million and one thoughts.

“Kibum hyung…” Taemin pleaded softly, his voice breaking.

He was frightened; he had never seen Key like this, a hyung who had always looked after him, take care of him, let him lean on his shoulder when he needed strength. Now, Key was acting like he was possessed, as if the world was ending and he only had enough time to think about all the people he cared about, having no time left to choose which to save and which to sacrifice. Taemin bit his lip to hold back tears as Key continued to ignore him, still trapped in his stream of thought.

But then Key suddenly froze in his tracks, his blood running cold as it finally hit him. Taemin blinked, wiping his cheek with the cuff of his sleeve.

“What is it?” he asked anxiously. “What’s wrong?”

Taemin waited an uneasy beat without a response before stepping towards Key and gently placed his hand on his back, shaking him slightly but the older boy was rigid, not reacting at all. Taemin stared at him with confusion for a moment before following the direction of his gaze that seemed fixed on something in front of them.

Trailing up the turf of carpet, towards Minho’s room, past the door that stood ajar, through the opening that was just wide enough for them to see into the room at the far corner… Taemin’s eyes fell upon at the porcelain knight still set on the ground beside the wall, where Key had left it.

Key let out a shaken breath, a horrifying realization ripping through him like a shower of bullets, the oxygen draining from his lungs.

“The river,” he muttered. Taemin’s head snapped over to look at him.

“What?”

ey went back towards Minho’s room and kneeled down to the porcelain figurine, staring at it in a daze as all the pieces finally started to come together.

All the times Hara was rambling about her dreams of the river, when she told him she remembered those brief fragments of memory from that night, how she said over and over about wanting to go near the water because she felt that rush of euphoria like when she was with Minho…

Key’s mind erupted violently with images of Hara’s lifeless body floating face-down in the murky waters of the river.

She was going to die.

Without another word, Key shoved the porcelain knight into his pocket and immediately hurried to the front door, ripping his jacket off the stand beside it and hastily putting it on. Taemin watched apprehensively as the older boy turned his back to face the door, still not understanding what was going on but alarmed nonetheless at Key’s sudden change of behavior. It couldn’t be good.

Key’s heart was racing at such a rapid pace that everything around him was blurry and incoherent, even the sound of Taemin’s voice; his brain couldn’t slow down to process any of it.

He pulled up the zipper of his jacket then reached for the manager’s, digging his hands through the pockets. There was a jingle of keys and before he could figure out what his bandmate was about to do, Taemin felt himself thrust roughly to the side and out of the way of the door. His head and back hit the wall, just hard enough to disorientate him that Key could slip past without a fight. Taemin took a moment to realize what had happened before his eyes widened in horror.

“Wait!” he cried out. “Hyung, wait!!” He shakily pushed himself back up, the hairs at the back of his neck standing on end as he heard the front door open. “Oh my God…”

He threw one last helpless glance around the empty room and rushed out after Key as fast as he could. He desperately wished someone else was here to tell him what to do, how to deal with this, to give him a choice. He wasn’t ready for this, he wasn’t ready for something so out of his control.

Taemin ran outside, catching sight of Key standing at the manager’s car parked by the pavement, fumbling the key into the lock.

“Kibum hyung!” Taemin shouted.

Key unlocked the door and grabbed the cold metal handle, ignoring the jolt of electricity from its touch as he pulled it open and leaped into the driver’s seat. He ignored Taemin and stepped hard on the pedal that the engine roared loud enough to drown out all other sound and moral thought.

“What are you-“ Taemin gasped and sprung back in alarm when the car suddenly lurched, almost hitting him before Key steered it out to the direction of the road. “Stop!! Wait!!”

The younger boy made one last futile attempt to run after it but as soon as it gained speed, the only thing he could do was watch it drive further and further away until it disappeared around the curb. He gulped and caught his breath, glancing around the street but no one else was around. He turned and quickly ran back inside the dorm.

---

Key knew he shouldn’t have acted this brashly, this carelessly. He should have stopped, damn it, he should have calmed down and told Taemin what was going on. He should have told anyone what was going on, what he was doing, what he knew.

But there just wasn’t time to think. He could barely remember to breathe, his hands were trembling so much on the wheel that he thought he would lose control of the car. He couldn’t think about anything but Hara and whether he would find her in time, if he wasn’t already too late. He couldn’t even understand what was coming except for the fact that this was it.

The chances he was taking were too much to risk but something inside him was taking over, telling him that everything that he had dreaded would happen to Hara, everything he had been waiting for, anticipating that moment where she would finally break…

This was it.

Key drove for a few tense minutes before he turned south from the dorm, off the road down along the Han River. It jolted up and down violently on the jagged rocks of the bank, but Key bit down and kept his eyes peeled for a sign or movement, he wasn’t even sure what of.

It was quiet now, much too quiet. The gravel road passed and came smoothly onto the pavement, leaving behind a tingling in Key’s thighs and a humming in his head. He became aware of just how still everything was in this place, not even the sound of birds or crickets, to the point he could hear his own heartbeat. There was another slight bump and the car came onto uneven concrete, the surface cracked and crumbling with age and dryness from the sun.

Key kept his foot ready on the brake and moved the car at a steady slow pace, knowing at this point the road would begin to slope down a gradual angle because it hadn’t been driven on regularly for such a long time.

There wasn’t anyone down here, at least there shouldn’t be. This route wasn’t used anymore since it only led down the parking lot of an abandoned factory under the highway. The highway itself was deserted, with only a few cars driving past every few hours, not nearly enough to penetrate through the deathly emptiness.

This place had been closed off for almost a year now. No one would have any reason to be down here. Key drove further down, dread weighing down heavily in the pit of his stomach for what he was going to find.

It was at a reasonable driving distance from the hospital but very far on foot, so Key knew nobody would think of coming here to look for Hara. Not right now, not like this. The only way she could have come was if she had walked, walked all the way from the hospital on her bare feet with nothing but the clothes on her back. It was such a cold day that no one looking for her would even stop to think there was a chance she might be all the way out here. No one except Key. No one dared.

This was where the accident had taken place, where Minho died, and even though in her state of mind she wouldn’t completely understand why, she was drawn to the river. Time and time again, even when it was just to stare out a window or just a glimpse of something that held some sentiment reminding her of it, something deep down was calling out to her.

It wasn’t just a hunch, he knew she was coming here. It happened before, that night she wandered off from Shinee’s dorm and Key followed her, that night when he saved her from drowning. She had wanted to come here by herself for ages.

The car entered through the rustic gates into the parking lot, the whole place incredibly huge and dusty. The temperature dropped very suddenly, becoming so cold that the sky seemed to turn a solid white. Around the perimeter was a foot-high railing running along the edge so cars wouldn’t unwittingly drive into the river, separating contact with the water by mere inches.

A bitter taste filled his mouth when he saw that the section where Minho’s car impacted from the accident was still left unrepaired, the thick metal almost completely ripped through and dented into the ground that it broke apart the concrete underneath it. Key could still see the fragments of the white sympathy flowers left there by fans and passers-by, tattered and dried up from the sun and weather. His chest tightened painfully; this place had been isolated for a very long time.

He still rememberd seeing the wreckage the morning after the accident. No one else wanted to go yet, no one else had the courage to face it so soon, some still in denial of what happened, but Key just had to. It was still raining and the sun hadn’t even risen but he went out alone to see it for himself.

Red and blue siren lights were flashing continuously as the group of police officers sealed off the area with yellow tape stretched so onlookers couldn't come too close. Many people passed by, late for work or taking their children to school, but none of them stopped. it rained and rained and rained, and the air smelled of gasoline and burnt rubber that Key tasted it on his tongue, but nothing could ever make him forget what he saw that day or all the things he felt.

He could still see it even now, that image at the back of his mind every time he blinked, haunting him. Mocking him.

Suddenly, Key’s train of thought came crashing down, snapping out of it when he caught sight of something. It was a movement, a tiny movement that narrowly came amiss, but Key refused to let his mind trick him again into overlooking it.

He finally spotted Hara, her figure barely distinguishable in the far distance with her back turned to him, her long dark hair creating an illusion that blended her into the shadows of the trees, but it was her. Key’s entire body shuddered with waves and waves of panic to the point that he couldn’t think, his brain in a fixed state of paralyzed horror.

She was walking into the water.

Key gripped the wheel hard and turned it with aggressive strength, steering the car desperately to Hara’s direction. The car hurled towards the edge until he slammed his foot down on the brake before he hit the railing. He unbuckled his seatbelt and quickly got out of the car.

“HARA!” he shouted.

She was only a few feet away but didn’t falter to the sound of Key’s voice, like she couldn’t even hear him. She kept walking, though she didn’t look like she was walking at all but floating, no gravity in her steps, drifting like a ghost. Her hospital gown was almost glowing white over the dark murky water, now inches above her knees as she ascended deeper into the river.

“Hara!”

Key ran to the railing and climbed over it carelessly, his feet coming down with a splash in the shallow puddles in the mud. The water hit his thigh and he stopped dead, letting out a hiss as the icy pain burned through his skin.

“Damn it…” he cursed through his teeth. He clenched his jaw and forced himself to focus on Hara in front of him. He kept going deeper into the water until his knees were underwater,

No, he wasn’t going to stand for this again.

“Stop!”

He went deeper into the water until his knees went under and he reached her, hooking his arms around her waist from behind. He dug his heels into the mud in a desperate attempt not to slip; the water was heavy around him and in an instant he felt his strength drain, not able to hold Hara still. She lurched a few inches before being halted by his grip and before she could resist, Key took a step back, pulling her along with him towards the shore. Hara gasped with surprise, a white puff of air escaping from her mouth like she hadn’t been breathing up until now.

“What are you doing…?” Hara said hoarsely. “Let me go.”

“You’re insane,” he muttered, trying to hold her still.

The wind blew hard, prompting the waves to rise and the freezing water hurled violently at them like razors. Hara thrashed over and over until her knees gave way, forcing Key to hold her up fron sinking into the water. He could barely breathe but he didn't let go of her, each splash like razors making it almost seem like she would slip away. The wet material of her nightgown stuck to her narrow pink shoulders like a second skin, the weight making Key’s arms to ache.

Hara groaned and gripped her hands onto his forearm, her grasp loose and futile. Key knew he was hurting her but he didn't stop, his anger overtaking him and he gripped her arm hard, using all the strength he had left.

“Let me go,” Hara said weakly. She elbowed Key in the stomach, making him snap forward in pain. A surge of anger overtook his senses and he seized her wrist. “Let me go, I want to go!”

“Where?” Key said harshly. He tightened his hand in order to finally hold her arm in place. “Where are you going to go, huh?! Tell me where!”

“Minho!” she screamed. “I want Minho!”

Key was angry, so angry at how pitiful she had become. She had to see this, there was no place to run or hide. She wanted to go to him, she had reached breaking point. She was trying to drown herself and yet she still couldn’t snap out of it. He had to make her see, he had to make her wake up.

“Let me go…” she said again. She reached out her hand desperately. “I want to go, I want to see him! Minho…”

“You can’t!” Key shouted, his voice quivering slightly. “You can’t see him!!”

“Minho…” Hara whimpered again. She leaned forward heavily, forcing Key to use whatever strength he had just to keep her from sinking. She sounded so frantic, so scared. Like she truly needed him to save her. “Minho… I just want… I want Minho…”

“He’s dead!” Key screamed without thinking. “MINHO’S DEAD!!”

His own words rang in his ears. It was the first time he had said it in front of her, and he felt her flinch. For the first time, she reacted upon hearing it, hearing from him. He flashed back to all those times Nicole and Gyuri had told him Hara hadn’t responded when they told her, but in that moment he felt it. Her muscles tensed and she was rendered motionless for a brief second, allowing Key to pull her close into him up from the water. He breathed a sigh of relief and wrapped his arms securely around her waist. She looked distraught for the first time he had ever seen her, but it was still as if she only vaguely knew what was going on, that he was even right in front of her.

“Minho’s dead,” Key said again, more softly. The blood was pulsing in his ears but he felt his adrenaline slowly come down, the water around him becoming 10 times more freezing cold than he remembered. “He’s dead.”

“No…” she murmured tearfully. She heard him.. “No, don’t…”

Hara arched her back feebly, tilting her head up at his face, but her gaze misted right over him.
Breathing heavily, Key took her by the jaw, forcing her to look at him so that their eyes would connect that she could see. That she could finally see.

Hara was afraid, trying to look away and push him off.

“No, please…” she said deliriously. “I want to see him...” She tugged at his shirt, her eyes glazed but lucid. They were looking at Key, pleading to him, her voice breaking as the sorrow completely overwhelmed her. “Please let me see him.” Tears began to fall from Hara’s eyes and she sobbed uncontrollably, breaking apart and trembling for the first time since he touched her. “I want to see him, let me see him…” Key shook his head.

“Hara,” he said sadly. “Please stop.”

Hara lowered her arms, defeated, falling limp in Key’s embrace and forcing him to pull her even closer so she was safe above the water. He was taken by surprise and automatically pressed her to his chest as she started crying. Key cupped the back of her head, her skin so cold and he could hear her heart racing, but there was warmth, from her sobbing, there was life.

It was Hara. Not the Hara who was trapped in a dream, who waited for a ghost that never came home. It was the Hara he knew, who everyone knew, who had loved and lost Minho in a way that destroyed her beyond repair. Key exhaled shakily and tightened his arms, feeling scared that he would lose her.

“Stay,” he whispered. “Please stay.”

Hara was crying. She was crying for the first time.. He hadn’t even notice until only now that he hadn’t seen her cry even once like this, with all that pain in her heart that had driven her to the brink of madness. Tears for the loss of the one person she loved more than anything, who she couldn’t let go.

Tears of grief.