Without a Heart; chapter 4
C H A P T E R 04
This is a love story about a girl and a boy.
Sohee stared blankly at the page for almost a full minute. She moved her pen mindlessly over the paper, crossing out a few words and writing down something else.
This is a love story about a girl princess and a boy knight.
She stared at it again, completely at loss. She exhaled with frustration and scrunched up the paper, throwing it over her shoulder. Her long hair pulled back to keep out of her eyes, she screwed up her forehead and glared down at a new piece of paper on the table in front of her, the pen twirling between her fingers.
It was lunchtime at school, and Sohee sat alone at the table and bench beside the basketball court. The sun was high and the atmosphere was warm and cheery, but Sohee was deeply absorbed in concentrating on her romance novel.
She had been trying to start it for a long time now, she wasn’t even sure how long, and all of it started from a dream she failed to remember after waking up. Sunmi had commented that it was a weird side effect of the drugs, but Sohee was left with such an inspirational feeling that she was determined to write the story down even though she remembered none of it and the fact that even her teachers had expressed colourfully at her inability to write.
Since Sunmi had been excused to go home early for a dentist appointment, Sohee was by herself, her notes scattered around the table with only about a sentence written on each of them, and a heap of scrunched paper behind her in the overflowing bin. She’d take an occasional bite out of her sandwich sitting on the side, but it laid forgotten along with her untouched juice box as she attempted to take in a moment to allow her surroundings to inspire her.
Initially she planned to spend time in the school library today instead of sitting in the hot sun, but the middle-aged librarian didn’t seem to like her much, since she developed the habit of absentmindedly throwing her paper everywhere. Sohee always though she was a bit of a kook anyway, so she might as well take this chance to catch some fresh air.
She frowned again and wiped her slightly sweaty forehead with the back of her hand. She puffed up her cheeks and scribbled down on the paper again.
This is a love story about a girl and a boy.
Aishh… it seemed completely hopeless today. Sohee never realized how uninspired her mind was, even when she put lots of thought into it, nothing creative ever came. Sunmi was the one who would come up with these kinds of things, even when she was completely uninterested, she’d pop in with her randomness that made something click inside Sohee’s head. Sitting here by herself… Sohee was more or less an empty shell. It sucked.
She scrunched up her forehead and squeezed in another word in the sentence in hopes of making it better.
This is a tragic love story about a girl and a boy.
Before she could pick up the piece of paper and crumble it up angrily like she with the rest, a basketball appeared out of nowhere and smashed down right on the table in front of her face, shocking the heck out of her and sending her notes flying. She jolted and almost staggered off the back of the bench. The boys playing basketball frantically ran over as Sohee pulled herself back up with a look of disorientation.
“Sorry!” they called out. The ball was still bouncing on the table when they came over and a few helped gather the fallen notes as Sohee recovered from her near-fatal heart attack. Breathing heavily from her racing heartbeat, she snapped out of it and cleared up the rest by herself, thanking the boys and they ran off again with their ball. She groaned with annoyance at finding a big ball-shaped dirt stain on the paper. She shot a silent glare at the basketball boys who were now busy with their game, and she brushed as much of the dirt off as she could with her fingers.
Suddenly, the paper was swiped out of her hands.
“What have we here?” a smug female voice came from out of nowhere. Before Sohee had time to react, two girls appeared, one of them sitting herself down on the table right in front of her, reading the paper Sohee was holding, her jaw chewing vigorously. She let out a scoffing laugh and looked at Sohee with disbelief.
“A romance novel?” she said contemptuously. “Are you kidding me?” Sohee just glared and tried to reach for the paper, but the girl meanly dangled it over her.
“Give it back!” Sohee shouted. She shot up and tried to jump for it, but the girl was faster and stood up on the table. “Come on, quit it already!”
“A love story about a girl and a boy,” the girl read out. She laughed. “Are you trying to pair yourself up with Jiyong oppa in your fantasies too?” She threw the paper at Sohee, laughing meanly and exchanging a look with the other girl. “That’s pathetic.”
Sohee still stubbornly tried to gather all her notes before the girl stomped on them and kicked them off the table. The other girl had gotten her hands on Sohee’s juice box and had already stabbed the straw into it. Sohee reached at her but she easily dodged, putting the straw to her mouth and drinking heartlessly as she stared at the distraught Sohee with an innocent expression.
“Unnie…” she began, moving closer and closer to her as her friend jumped off the table. She smiled angelically with the straw between her teeth. “Do you really think you’re worthy of our Jiyong oppa?” Sohee shrank back, genuinely intimidated as the two girls slowly closed in towards her.
Lee Chaerin and Gong Minji were known members of the Jiyong’s fanclub. They admired and respected him a lot, and went to great lengths to protect his reputation. They were also known somewhat as rebels amongst the students, and once they picked a target, that person would be tormented for months and months on end, just for their liking. Their methods of approach were extremely disturbing as well, where the innocent-faced Minji would first go over to “befriend” the victim, and Chaerin would then go over as well a little while later, the two of them backing their victim into a closed corner. It was that easy for them nowadays.
Recently, they had expanded their territory and spotted a new victim, one who had been involved with Jiyong in a rumor after the school play. Sohee cast a worried look at her abandoned belongings as she stood awkwardly. Chaerin chewed her gum loudly and surveyed Sohee with a fierce gaze. She crossed her arms.
“You heard what I said, right?” she asked, jerking up her head. “Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?” She pushed Sohee in the arm with her hand at each word, grinning as Sohee frowned with discomfort. “What’s the matter? Are you deaf or something?”
“Yah…” Sohee muttered, hurling back each time Chaerin pushed her. Her fingers were very pointed. “Ouch! That hurts!”
Usually when Chaerin and Minji would come go around and randomly torment a fellow classmate in their spare time, Sohee and Sunmi were able to stand their ground against them. Sure, they’d still have to forfeit their lunch money over, but at least they had their dignity. Sohee wouldn’t be staring uncomfortably at the ground like this if Sunmi was there; she’d be a lot more vocal and wouldn’t allow anyone to push her around. She lost her temper quickly and threw their comments right back, completely forgetting that they were going to be beaten up, but Sunmi’s peacemaking skills was the one thing that always allowed them to weasel out, unscathed. Without her peacemaker, Sohee wasn’t as confident. Minji sucked the last of the juice box and sighed loudly. She threw it down hard on the ground and crushed it with her foot. She smiled widely.
“Stay away from Jiyong oppa, okay?” she said brightly. She grabbed Sohee by the arm. “Listen to us, unnie. Stay away from him.”
“I’m not even dating him or anything, what is your problem?!” Sohee exclaimed, trying to pull her off. Chaerin pushed her again.
“Then, why did you change your hair?” she asked tauntingly, touching Sohee’s ponytail. “Tying it up so he’ll notice your face?!” Sohee pushed her hand away and fixed her hair.
“What the hell?!” she snapped back. “How is tying my hair up changing it!!”
Chaerin and Minji merely laughed and just shared a smirk before staring back at Sohee with taunting eyes. However, Minji’s expression then changed suddenly when she saw something over Sohee’s shoulder, nudging Chaerin to look. They both backed away from their victim and became quiet again, causing Sohee to look at them with confusion until she felt someone drape their arm over her shoulders.
“What’s going on here?” Jiyong’s voice said light-heartedly. He gazed at the two other girls with a suspicious albeit non-threatening expression. “Are you making trouble for Sohee again?”
“Of course not, oppa,” Chaerin said, touching Sohee’s shoulder again gently, causing Sohee to naturally wince away from it. “We’re just fooling around a little. That’s all.”
Jiyong cocked an eyebrow and glanced at Sohee, then back. It was obvious that he didn’t buy it, but unlike Sohee, his methods of resolving a situation weren’t nearly as aggressive. Since Chaerin and Minji were good to him, he didn’t have bad feelings towards them despite their occasional targeting of Sohee and Sunmi. In fact, if he just said the word, they’d never bother Sohee ever again. It was just that the recent rumor of him and Sohee dating hit the fanclub hard, and instead Chaerin and Minji tried to work their way around their promise to Jiyong. Sohee would’ve already gotten a black eye today even before the basketball crash landed on the table if they had their way with her.
Chaerin and Minji were eventually ushered away by Jiyong, who shook his head as he watched them walk away. He turned back to find Sohee cleaning up the mess from where she left off, gathering up the papers on the ground that now had Chaerin’s shoe prints on them. Jiyong bent down to help, coming across the crushed juice box. He grinned.
“They didn’t do too much to you this time, right?” he said with a chuckle. Sohee shook her head and heaved herself back onto her seat, rubbing the side of her back carefully. She looked at Jiyong as he rounded over to sit on the bench across from her.
“It could help if your fanclub got the message through that we’re not dating,” she told him sternly. “It’s getting annoying.” Jiyong grinned again and leaned over on the table, his head resting on his folded arms. He watched curiously as she flickered through her notes.
“Are you still working on your romance novel?” he asked, lifting his head a little. “Have you finished the first page yet?” His hand reached out from one of the papers, but Sohee quickly swiped it away and scowled at him. Jiyong laughed again and withdrew his hand. “Okay, you don’t have to be so short-tempered.”
“Are you here to bug me again, oppa?” Sohee asked, pretending to be mad. Jiyong just smiled dreamily and pushed himself up again.
“My band’s going to play tomorrow night at the City Hall,” he said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder towards the direction of the hall in the distance. “It’s our first big gig, since Sunmi’s can’t come, I was wondering if you’re up for it.” He smiled again. “I could really use some support.” Sohee kept her eyes on her notes as she scribbled something down, a disappointed smile on her lips.
“Won’t your entire fanclub be there to cheer you on?” she huffed teasingly.
“Well... yeah, but I want a few of my friends there too. You know, people who will actually listen to us play instead of screaming.” Sohee dropped her pen and burst out laughing. “So, will you come? It’s only for an hour.”
“It sounds like fun,” Sohee said plaintively. “But I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for my treatment and check-up.” She sighed sadly, shaking her head. “Sorry, oppa.”
Jiyong’s smile faded and he sat back up, looking disappointed. He started fidgeting, scratching his fingernails on the surface of the table.
Jiyong knew about the accident 3 years ago, about the fire and Sohee’s injuries. They had all been friends since elementary school, so it was impossible for Jiyong not to know about it and the importance of Sohee’s regular check-ups. He would help Sunmi in the process of reminding Sohee about them, as well as taking her medicine. He even got yelled at once for bugging her too much about it.
But still... he felt hurt that she was going to miss his gig. Sohee watched him with amusement. She poked at his arm with her index finger.
“Cheer up,” she told him. “We already know you’re good, isn’t that enough?” She poked him again. “I’ll send you a message for good luck, okay?”
“I get it,” Jiyong said dully, trying to shake himself some sense. “It’s kinda selfish if I make you go, right?”
“Kinda evil, more like it.”
Jiyong laughed. He smiled fondly at her and nodded.
“Alright,” he sighed, setting his hands down again. “And make sure Sunmi sends me one as well?” Sohee nodded enthusiastically, making him grin. “Okay, then.” He looked around at the table that had been scattered with her notes again without him realizing. “I guess I’ll leave you to your work, then.”
Jiyong got up from the bench and pulled down his shirt, again checking around at the table for anything. He spotted Chaerin’s shoe print again on the edge, it seemed like she had intently stomped it in dirt before jumping on, and Jiyong felt a little guilty on his part. Sohee had gotten back to her story and had picked up her pen once more, her other hand rubbing the side of her waist slightly before placing itself on the table. Jiyong knew she probably really wanted to come see his gig even though she wasn’t showing it, but the check-up was something she couldn’t miss. He smirked and stepped over the bench, going over to her side. He went up behind her and set down a new juice box next to her.
“See you later,” he told her good-naturedly. Sohee stared at the juice box in a daze as Jiyong patted her back and walked away. She glanced after him, dubious as to how he could have magically had a juice box with him the whole time. She looked back at it and picked it up to read the contents, at the same time feeling a rush of gratitude towards Jiyong.
She genuinely felt bad that he understood and didn’t put up a fight to convince her to go, usually for other things it’d turn into a vicious argument that moved onto topics that weren’t even related to what they had been talking about. It was sort of humiliating that her check-up was such a priority that it made her miss out on a lot of things.
Sohee felt really grateful to her friends. In the past, she had tried to avoid her appointments to go do what she wanted, but over time she learned how futile and foolish it was, especially since they scolded her for it. Now, she just wanted to focus on getting better quickly so she could spend time with them, healthily and happily.
She punched the straw into the box and took a long sip, the sweetness of the juice vitalizing her. She looked back down at her paper and started scribbling again, her mind at ease.
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Heechul wound down the car window completely and rested his elbow on the sill, staring deadpan out at the road in front of him while waiting for the green light. He leaned his cheek against his fist, a cool breeze brushing through his black hair, causing him to shiver and close his stinging eyes. He moved his arm off the sill and rewound the window up.
It was 6PM, a day that had been more tedious than usual. Heechul and his team had gotten permission to stay back at their office, hence his coming home so late. Yeeun and Jaejoong worked extra hard today, both visibly frustrated with Heechul who seemed more distracted than usual, but he didn’t care. He was exhausted for some reason, stuck in a trance where he couldn’t relax his mind, everything feeling numb...but he didn’t care. He didn’t care if he rammed into a tree by accident or ran someone over, he didn’t seem to have a single thought today, happy or sad. He just wanted to get home and rest. Or stare at the ceiling.
The light turned green and Heechul lifted his foot off the brake, driving ahead nonchalantly at a steady speed. He passed down through the suburban street where corner shops were beginning to close up and people were slowly disappearing back towards their homes. Strangely there were still a few kids who were still in their school uniform, perhaps having hung out in the arcades until it was time to leave. It wasn’t d complete dark yet, but the overall feel of the calming cool afternoon was that of the end of a long tiring day.
Heechul let out a groan and rubbed the corner of his eye as he slowed down at a turn into a narrow street near the train station. He frowned as he saw something in the distance near the entrance, the first time something caught his attention.
Although there were only a few deserted cars parked along the footpath, two cars were impatiently waiting in front of a pedestrian crossing as a young woman with a pixie cut could be seen trying to drag her luggage one by one as quickly as she could over to the other side. A taxi was waiting for her, and Heechul had no idea why the driver hadn’t come out to help. It sent a surge of anger through Heechul’s body when one of the cars honked at the woman, terrifying her. He drove slowly towards the scene.
“I’m sorry!” she said apologetically, bowing as she struggled to pull her suitcase across. “This is the last one!” As soon as her feet stepped onto the footpath on the other side, the cars zoomed past her, almost causing her to lose her balance. Heechul pulled the car over a few feet away, his eyes narrowed as her figure and posture seemed familiar. He had yet to see her face even as she turned around to recheck everything. She sighed and pushed the front of her hair out of her face, and Heechul’s eyes widened. He opened the door and stood up.
“Eunjung ah,” he called out uncertainly. The young woman looked up at the sound of her name.
She was a few years younger than him, with a slender figure and a gentle, serene beauty. Her eyes were soft and tender, making her look both mature and innocent at the same time. Her full lips that were pursed together broke into an exhausted, relieved smile as she saw Heechul. She laughed almost tearfully.
“Oppa,” she gasped softly. The sound of her voice made Heechul soften for the first time that day, and he went over to hug her warmly. Just from holding her body, he could feel how tired she was and how happy she was to see him, to the point that she was almost crying in relief.
“I thought you weren’t coming back until Thursday,” Heechul said concernedly, pulling away. “You cut your hair too.” Eunjung giggled and touched her haircut.
“Yeah,” she said, holding it down with two hands when a breeze passed. “I hope it looks okay.” Heechul smiled. He looked around at her luggage; there were quite a few and they didn’t look light.
“Why didn’t you call me?” he asked, scratching his head.
“I called Yeeun, but she didn’t pick up so I thought I’d just take a taxi,” Eunjung replied honestly. Heechul pulled up two smaller suitcases with both hands, grunting with effort as he lifted them into the air.
“Go wait in the car,” he told her. “I’ll take you home.” Eunjung beamed at him and nodded, sincerely grateful. She bent down to pick up one of her lighter suitcases, glancing at the taxi.
“It’s okay, ahjussi!” she called out, shaking her head so he could see her in the car mirror if he couldn’t see her. She signalled with her free hand. “I’ve got someone else to take me! Ahjussi-“
The taxi zoomed off the moment she said those words, so quickly that Eunjung’s expression faded into bewilderment and hurt. Heechul set the suitcases into the trunk of his car, anger again pulsing through his veins as he watched the taxi drive away without so much as showing a sign of acknowledgement. Eunjung heaved a sigh and turned back around to go over to Heechul. She handed him the last of suitcases to put in, and he slammed the trunk shut. They both walked round to their doors, Heechul getting back into his driver’s seat.
“Don’t call for taxis around here,” Heechul told her sternly, buckling up his seatbelt. “They’re seedy.” He started the engine as soon as Eunjung hopped in next to him, rolling her eyes.
“I’m not a little kid, you know,” she said, hitting his arm with a laugh.
The car started to move out onto the road. Eunjung sighed and ran her fingers through her short hair, relaxing her body against the back of her seat and closed her eyes. She looked tired and fragile, as if she had barely slept at all the night before and had been rushing the whole day without rest. Heechul shot her a glance for a moment, the playful mood abruptly fading away into solemness.
“How have you been?” he asked, staring out at the road. Eunjung didn’t reply straight away, opening her eyes just a little. She sighed again, smiling a little.
“I’m better now,” she said softly, fidgeting with her fingernails. “How are you?”
“I’m healthy,” Heechul replied, avoiding his usual terms that were related to his state of mind. He suddenly remembered something and looked around wildly out of reflex. “Wait a minute... where’s Minho? Didn’t you take him with you?”
“He’s still with my mother,” Eunjung said calmingly. “I’m going to get everything ready at home first and pick him up tomorrow.”
The car stopped at a light. Heechul drummed his hands on the steering wheel as an unusually long silence fell. He knew how tired Eunjung must have been, it would’ve been better if she just slept for the ride home, but her personality wasn’t one where she would just cut someone off when they were talking to her even if the conversation stopped for a while. Eunjung stretched her arms over her head as she gazed back over at Heechul.
“I’m thinking of opening Bo Peep again next week,” she said to him. Heechul frowned.
“Next week?” he repeated as the light turned green. He gave her a worried look. “Are you sure? You’ve just come back, wouldn’t that be too soon?”
“Why not? You and Jaejoong oppa can help me set up everything. We’d be done in a day.”
“Are you sure you’re well enough to work again?”
“You sound just like my mother,” Eunjung said dully, randomly dusting her clothes. “I have to go back to work sooner or later, and it’s been over a month. Ah...” At the thought, she clutched her head in her hands and shook her head. “I’ll go crazy if I just stay home ‘relaxing’.” Heechul laughed.
“So, Minho’s behaving himself these days?” he chuckled. Eunjung exhaled frustratedly and collapsed back onto her seat.
“Are you kidding? He’s already rebelling against me!” she exclaimed. Heechul laughed again. “He didn’t even eat any of the cake because...” Eunjung paused, her voice softened. “...because he was sulky that you guys weren’t there.”
Heechul’s smile saddened and he bit into his lip, his eyes still on the road so he wasn’t looking at her reaction. The thoughts in his head weighed down heavily on his shoulders with guilt and disappointment, not only in himself but in the whole situation. Eunjung had become quiet again at the change of atmosphere, not knowing what else to say. Heechul smiled again, more cheerily.
“I bought him a present,” he told her, hoping to change the direction of the topic. “It’s in my study room at the moment. I could bring it over tomorrow if you like.”
“We can just pick it up now,” Eunjung suggested. She pointed out the window. “We’re passing by your street anyway, why not?”
Heechul didn’t reply straight away. Eunjung knew what he was thinking about.
“Don’t worry,” she told him reassuringly, placing her hand on his arm. “I’ll just stay in the car and you can just quickly go inside to get it.” She tucked his sleeve. “Come on. I’m all better now, even my doctors say so.” Heechul winced at her words. “I’ll be fine.”
Heechul hated it. While in the years of knowing Eunjung, she rarely picked an argument with him. She was mature for her age and didn’t like attacking others but rather she’d make simple requests. This was one of them; her tone of voice was perfect, not too gentle and insistent at the same time. She’d give out her reasons and reassure the person she was talking to that this was what she wanted even when they were unsure and uncertain, if it were any other person trying to persuade Heechul, he would set his foot down. Despite the guilt at the pit of his stomach, he had a soft spot for Eunjung that wouldn’t allow him to turn away when she was like this.
“Alright,” he said in resignation. He looked at her seriously. “But you’re really sure?” Eunjung beamed at him, nodding vigorously. Heechul exhaled deeply and made a turn, heading off the highway towards the street where he lived. He felt Eunjung lean her head onto his shoulder, her cheeks sticking out because of her smile.
“You’re the best, oppa,” she said cutely. Heechul scoffed.
“What the heck?” he laughed, nudging her off. “You haven’t called me oppa since high school. It feels weird.” Eunjung sat back and said nothing. Heechul teased her a little, nudging her again with his elbow. “Don’t call me oppa, okay? Hmmm?” Eunjung nodded, but again she didn’t say anything or look at him. The rest of the drive was in silence, both of them anticipating and nervous about what would be waiting once they arrived.
Coming across the familiar street where Heechul’s house was, Eunjung beckoned up a little. She wound down her window and stared out with childlike interest. She bit into her thumb, starting to feel nervous when the car pulled over to the side in front of Heechul’s house. This may not have been such a good idea after all; she felt all the strength and courage she had before disappear at the sight of the house. Heechul stopped the car and they sat for a little while. He smiled encouragingly and reached over to squeeze her hand.
“Just wait here for me,” he muttered to her. He winked and touched her cheek. “I’ll be right back.” As stealthy as he could, Heechul unbuckled his seatbelt and slipped out of the car, slamming the door shut behind him, just in case. He adjusted his jacket and jogged to the front door, hoping to just go in and out without being seen or noticed, for Eunjung’s sake. He fumbled through his pocket for the key, but as he reached for the doorknob, it turned by itself and the door opened, revealing Jay.
Jay didn’t see Heechul straight away until a split second later, almost crumbling in shock to find him right in his face.
“Aishh!!!” he shouted, jumping back. “What the hell are you doing?!” Heechul was just as shocked as Jay, but he repressed his reaction, dropping his gaze to the ground. Jay furrowed his eyebrows and stared at his brother in confusion. “What’s wrong with you?”
Heechul would normally either yell back at Jay for the same reason of startling him or just apologize, but he honestly couldn’t say or do anything besides look away awkwardly. Jay continued to wait for a reply, but his gaze soon drifted over to Heechul’s car, spotting someone.
“Who’s that?” he blurted out, narrowing his eyes to make out her face. “Is that Yeeun?” The figure inside the car shrunk back slightly as Jay took a step closer to see. His eyes widened when he finally recognized who it was, so stunned that it rendered him speechless.
Heechul was unable to lift up his head hearing the car door snap shut as Eunjung gathered enough courage and pride to get out. She stepped out and walked slowly onto the grass beside the footpath, smiling timidly at Jay.
“It’s good to see you again, Jay oppa,” she said softly. Jay opened his mouth, but he couldn’t think of any words to say, unable to snap out of it from the sight of her.
“Eunjung, you...you cut your hair,” he stuttered. The words slipped past his lips without even realizing. Eunjung chuckled softly and touched her hair nervously. “I...I thought you weren’t coming back until Thursday.” Eunjung smiled sadly, hugging her arms.
“I thought I’d come home a little early,” she told him. She peered up to look at Heechul behind him. “Heechul told me he bought Minho a birthday present and was going to go get it for me.” Jay glanced back at his brother, as if only realizing he was there.
“Ah, right!” he said loudly, trying hard to make his voice more casual. “Well, that’s great.” He let out a nervous, unnatural laugh like it wasn’t such an awkward situation. Heechul eventually recovered from his senses and watched the scene unfold with dismay. He knew how foolish everyone looked, and since they had been caught, there was no reason left to keep pretending. Brushing past Jay, he went to Eunjung and gave her a comforting smile.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, placing his hand on her arm. Eunjung nodded stiffly and Heechul turned around, again avoiding eye contact with Jay, and ran into the house.
There was an extremely uncomfortable silence. Eunjung directed her gaze down sideways at the grass while leaning against the car with her arms crossed, and Jay just stood there looking awkward, no knowing what to do. After 10 seconds when Heechul failed to come out like promised, Jay emitted a long sigh, deciding to do what was right instead of looking like an idiot for his dignity.
“Come inside,” he said finally. He scratched the back of his neck and shot a glanced over his shoulder where Heechul disappeared, shaking his head. “Heechul might take a little while to find it.”
Eunjung took a deep breath and finally lifted her head up again to look at him. She forced a smiled and nodded curtly, still keeping to herself as he held out his arm towards the door for her. She went inside at a reasonable pace, not too quick that he knew she was nervous, but quick enough to show that she wanted to get out of that moment. She headed straight for the sofa in the main room and sat down, pretending to look around the room with awe.
“Ah, you’ve decorated the house?” she asked as Jay came in. He stood at the door way and stared around as well. He shook his head.
“No,” he said. “It’s the same as it was before.”
“Oh,” Eunjung said, flustered. She laughed sheepishly. “I guess it’s just been a long time since I’ve been here.” She smiled at Jay, but then stopped herself, looking at the ground again. Jay watched her sadly.
“Your hair...” he began. Eunjung looked up in surprise, grinning bashfully and touching her boyish pixie cut again.
“Yeah,” she murmured, chuckling. “Minho says I look like a boy. Does it really look that bad?” Jay smiled softly and shook his head.
“You look good,” he said truthfully. Eunjung looked away again and blushed. She tucked a hair behind her ear, but since it was so short it fell back out.
The thundering of footsteps from the stairs suddenly broke the silence, becoming louder at a rapid pace.
“Jay hyung,” Kyuhyun’s voice shouted frantically, running down. “Do you know where my-“ The youngest brother froze when he saw them. “Eunjung.”
Unlike her reaction to Jay, Eunjung stood up and beamed as Kyuhyun quickly hopped down the remaining steps, rushing past his older brother. He greeted her with a warm smile and holding up two hands for a double high-five before wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug, overjoyed to see her. He touched her haircut curiously.
“What happened to your long hair?” he asked dubiously. Eunjung laughed and punched him in the chest.
“I cut it, stupid,” she huffed teasingly. Kyuhyun just grinned, rubbing the spot she hit him. She pinched his cheek. “Kyuhyun ah, you’ve gained a little weight, haven’t you?” He laughed again, but his smile faltered a little as he looked over at Jay, exchanging a dark look with him. He smiled again when he turned back to Eunjung.
Heechul walked past the door, but then stopped and reversed when he saw the three people. He was holding a wrapped gift in his arms. He still couldn’t force a happy smile like the others, sensing that despite the joyous reunion, they’d soon be suffocating in tension again.
“Come on, Eunjung,” he said, beckoning her to get ready to leave. “I’ll drive you home.” Eunjung nodded with somber acknowledgement, and Heechul went ahead outside first. She shot a smirk at Kyuhyun and high-fived him again, waving goodbye. She smiled meekly at Jay, still with her gaze looking at anything but his eyes.
“You can pick up Minho on Saturday,” she told him. Jay nodded. Eunjung tucked her hair behind her ear again in the same futile manner. “He...he really misses you so I think it’d be great if you two could hang out for the weekend.”
“That sounds great,” he said, smiling a little. Eunjung’s eyes gradually found their way back up to his face, and they stared at each other for almost a minute. Kyuhyun coughed and cleared his throat loudly.
“Eunjung,” Heechul called out again. He reappeared at the door, now empty-handed. Eunjung and Jay broke their gaze and looked away from each other, becoming awkward again. Heechul obviously noticed but he pretended not to. “It’s getting dark outside.” When Eunjung stood still for a moment to come back to her senses, Kyuhyun took the initiative and pushed her towards the front door where Heechul handled it from there, slamming the door shut.
An eerie silence filled the room as Kyuhyun breathed a sigh of relief, one hand on his waist, the other pushing his hair back. Jay went over to the sofa and sat down, feeling as if he had aged 30 years in just a few minutes. He laid back and rubbed his face with his hands roughly. Kyuhyun watched his brother with a look of cold disappointment, shaking his head and retreating back to his room upstairs without a word.
Jay sat alone for a while, his mind and body exhausted and so many thoughts piercing through his mind that it hurt. No longer able to stand it, he shot up from his seat and marched to the kitchen to the fridge, taking out a bottle of soju and a glass. He sat down at the table and poured some into the glass, downing it all at once.
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At this point, the night was approach very quickly, casting a blanket of darkness over the town. Heechul drove a long distance to reach the place to drop Eunjung off, both of them witnessing the great sun’s descend into the horizon. He pulled over in front of her house near a tall tree and switched off the engine, unbuckling his belt. He unbuckled Eunjung’s seatbelt for her too, since she was hugging Minho’s present in her arms. She opened the door and stepped outside, gazing up at her house with a dreamy, reminiscing smile.
“Oh...” she said breathlessly, overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of her home that she hadn’t seen for over a month. Heechul got out of the car and went to stand beside her. He put his arm around her shoulders.
“You want me to stay with you tonight?” he asked. Eunjung smiled and shook her head.
“It’s okay,” she assured him. “I think I’ll clean a little and then just go to sleep.”
“Aren’t you going to eat anything?” Heechul took her hands. “You want to go eat first?”
Eunjung shook her head again.
“I’m not hungry, but thanks for being considerate to me.”
“Of course I’m considerate to you,” Heechul laughed, a little hurt. “When haven’t I been considerate to you?” His affectionate gaze lingered for a second before he enveloped her in a hug. Eunjung giggled, hugging him back.
“I was just joking,” she chuckled, patting his back with her hands. She felt his embrace tighten, and although she didn’t see his smile disappear, she knew what was running through his mind. She let out a choked laugh, patting him again more urgently. “Aigoo... my ribs are going to break.”
Heechul released her, not even trying to hide the sadness in his eyes this time.
“Just call and I’ll come running, okay?”
Eunjung smiled and nodded.
“Bye,” she said, cutely waving at him. “Thanks for the present.” She hugged the wrapped gift in her arms tightly and backed away towards the front door of her house. Since it was dark, she took a little longer than usual to search for the right key. Heechul continued to watch as she opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind her. When the light in the house came on and he saw her silhouette walk past her bedroom window, Heechul finally felt it was okay to leave. He hopped back into the car and drove back.
Back at their residence, Heechul saw from outside that the light in Kyuhyun’s room was on as usual, but strangely the rest of the house was in darkness. Heechul’s keys jingling were the only noise to be heard on the ground floor, causing the sound to echo through the house. He sighed to himself and entered quietly, first peering into the main room in case Jay was still there, then heading to the kitchen. Even though the light was off, he saw the clear outline of his older brother sitting alone at the table, a couple of soju bottles beside him.
“Hyung, are you drinking?” he asked. Jay usually couldn’t handle as much alcohol as Heechul could, so it was strange that he was drinking by himself.
With no response expected and no response given, Heechul sighed again. He walked past the light switch and picked up a glass by the sink. He sat down in the chair across the table from Jay’s spot, staring at him the same way Kyuhyun had. Jay drained another glass, swaying a little before slamming it down. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand robotically.
“There’s a spot at the sushi restaurant downtown,” he muttered. “I was thinking of going there to get a part-time job while I look for something solid.” He poured himself some more, emptying the bottle before it filled it up to halfway. He pushed it aside and opened another bottle and poured, doing the same to Heechul’s glass as he held it to him. Setting the bottle down again, Jay drank it indifferently as Heechul watched with his own glass at his lips.
“How do you feel?” Heechul asked. He took a sip. Jay stared at the table, shaking his head.
“I dunno,” he muttered. He sighed heavily and put down his glass. “I just...” He tightened his fist, frowning as he tried to find the right word. “I... I didn’t think I’d see her today. I wasn’t prepared.”
“Prepared?” Heechul said, raising an eyebrow. “Prepared for what?” Jay closed his eyes.
“I know you and Kyuhyun still hate me for what happened,” he said seriously. “It’s okay. I don’t blame you.” Heechul shook his head, reaching over for another soju bottle.
“I don’t hate you, hyung,” he murmured. “I’m past that now. I know it wasn’t your fault. Kyuhyun knows it too but he’s just a little stubborn, that’s all.” Jay drained his glass again.
Ham Eunjung was one of the few people to have a unique bond with the Kim family ever since childhood. She moved into Heechul’s street at the age of 9 with her family, and since the very first meeting, she had become smitten with the eldest son Jay. Being an only child, Eunjung often came over to their house and developed a close sibling-like friendship with the boys as well as their parents who loved her like a daughter. She was closest to Kyuhyun, being the same age and having grown up together all through elementary, middle and high school.
Sweet and soft-spoken, she quickly grew to become a beautiful teenager, and her crush on Jay eventually developed into love. She started to openly express her fondness for Jay, taking chances such as baking cakes for him when he came home from college, and take every opportunity to talk to him when their families got together, but for years Jay only saw her as his little brother’s friend and nothing more. Eunjung would sometimes cry herself to sleep knowing this, but the only person in her heart would be Jay, even when she was wooed by many of her classmates. However, Jay did eventually come to understand her feelings and see her as a woman, returning her affections.
They fell in love and got married soon after Eunjung’s 19th birthday. Despite getting her parents’ blessings for the marriage, Eunjung went against their wishes to continue her education into college and instead opened up a pastry shop ‘Bo Peep’, something she had always dreamt of. With a stable job and income, Jay was able to support his new family well so they moved out of their parents’ residence and bought a house of their own. They had their first child Minho merely a year later, and life seemed perfect for the young loving family.
Or so they thought.
Everything was wonderful and blissful until Eunjung brought the news of expecting another baby last year, their second child after Minho 2 years earlier. It was happy news at first, but disaster struck after a painful stillbirth, and Eunjung sank into depression without letting anyone know about it, trying to fight all by herself. The marriage became rocky when Eunjung constantly stirred up argument over everything with Jay, who was oblivious to her illness and dumbfounded by her behaviour.
Their fights became more and more aggressive and hostile until Jay couldn’t stand anymore of it, turning to a female co-worker for comfort. A one-night stand eventually became a year-long affair which Jay was unable to end, tortured between Eunjung’s change and the guilt and shame of betraying his vows. In the end, the discovery of the affair pushed Eunjung completely over the edge and she readied herself to take the final step to put herself out of her misery. A horrified Heechul walked in and saved her just in time before the worst happened.
Everything changed after that. While Eunjung had been getting better after going to therapy sessions for several months with Heechul’s support, she dropped a huge bombshell by filing a request for divorce. Eunjung now deeply regretted it more and more as each day passed, now realizing the consequences that would have resulted if Heechul hadn’t found her. Even though she was now much stronger mentally and emotionally, she still felt ashamed about the thought of almost abandoning her young son.
The blame had been directed at Jay.
Heechul was the most shaken up and bitter about the incident, causing him to became extremely protective of Eunjung. He was hurt over the changes, such as Eunjung going back to formal language and calling him ‘oppa’ again rather than speak informally as his sister-in-law. This loss and the trauma of witnessing the attempted suicide, Heechul couldn’t help but feel hatred towards his brother and his carelessness. Eunjung was sent to spend time with her family out of town with Minho, and hadn’t had contact with the Kim family for 5 weeks, but both sides had calmed down as the revelation of Eunjung’s depression and Jay’s affair were examined.
Unlike Kyuhyun who was still disgusted and continued to hold a grudge, Heechul had listened to both sides of the story, knowing that Jay suffered severely from not understanding the reason for Eunjung’s strange behaviour, and the fact that he did intend on ending his affair out of guilt and love for his wife. Now that the smoke had cleared, no one had suffered as much as Jay and Eunjung, so Heechul felt it wasn’t in his place to antagonize either of them for their actions.
Jay voluntarily quit his job and cut off all contact with his lover, moving in with Heechul after the request for the divorce was filed. He had slowly begun to fall apart through the past week getting ready for Eunjung’s return, having not seen his son for over a month that he worried he’d be forgotten or replaced. It was heartbreaking to watch from the outside and not being able to do anything.
Heechul came out of his thoughts when Jay accidentally knocked one of the empty bottles over, causing them to clack together on the table. He seemed drunk by now, so Heechul pulled the glass out of his hands.
“Hyung, you’ve had enough,” Heechul told him. Jay wiped his mouth again but didn’t argue back. He slowly stood up from the table, unsteady on his feet as he used all the strength in his arms to push himself up in case his legs gave way. Heechul grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him carefully out from behind the table.
“You know what I’ve been thinking about?” Jay said, slurring a little.
“What?” Heechul asked, pulling Jay’s arm over his shoulder and using his body weight to support him. Jay didn’t say anything straight away, his deep brown eyes becoming lucid again for a brief moment, flashing with sadness and guilt.
“I sometimes wonder what would happen if you didn’t find her that day,” he muttered. The words caused a shiver to run down Heechul’s spine.
“Don’t think about things like that,” he told him softly.
Heechul brought him to the door of his bedroom, where he was shaken off so that Jay could go in by himself. He closed the door without as much as a good night, but Heechul didn’t mind. He emitted a deep sigh and headed back to his own bedroom, feeling exhausted again like he had been before in the car.
Today, a lot of things weren’t supposed to happen, and the very fact that they happened so unexpectedly caused Heechul to have his emotions on a different roller coaster than he thought. He hadn’t been prepared when he ran into his sister-in-law, nor did he intentionally plan for her to come face to face with either of his brothers, but since it happened, unwanted thoughts and feelings darted into his already-tired body like jagged pieces of glass.
Today was a day he was supposed to seal himself away from the world as his body was in the process of imploding with emotions and memories anyway, but because of the chaos of Jay’s situation, everyone including Heechul himself had forgotten.
Ignoring the light switch, Heechul pulled off his jacket and threw it carelessly to the side, collapsed onto the bed as all the fatigue that had been kept on hold erupting through every fibre of his body all at once. He lifted himself up a little to look at the calendar above his bed.
March 12th.
He fell back again and sighed deeply, closing his eyes.
Why was this world so complicated? Why did God make even the simplest things in life to become so hard and make so many people suffer?
Looking at his family, it felt selfish to place the blame on just a single person. Why didn’t Eunjung trust the people around her enough to tell them she was sick? Why didn’t Jay have enough strength to hold on rather than turning to his lover for support? Neither of them were full at fault when the whole thing fell apart due to both their mistakes, and this made the whole thing even more difficult to resolve.
But also, why... why was Heechul still living like this because of one woman? That his life was still going horribly wrong, even when she vanished a long ago? These questions he aimed straight at God, staring at the ceiling and hoping he could hear his thoughts.
Why did love have to hurt so much?
For Heechul, it wasn’t even love anymore. With Boa, it was love at the beginning and at the end, but now, it had slowly turned into hate, a hate he simply couldn’t let go of. He remembered back to the moment Jaejoong had asked whether or not he should confront his demons and go to Japan to see her, but what Jaejoong didn’t understand was the feelings for his first love had long changed.
What was forgiveness? Could he really forgive a woman would took away the years of his life where she had his heart, only them shredding it to pieces before stuffing it back into his empty cavity?
Heechul sat up, staring at the calendar again.
He didn’t want to live like this, brooding over a missing part of his life that would never come back, and he didn’t want it to come back. It made it seem as if he was still hopelessly in love, but he wasn’t. If he saw her again in real life or even in his dreams, with a smile and waiting with open arms, his hatred for her would intensify instead of relieving. It was like he’d been breathing in toxic smoke all his life thinking it was fresh air, and only now did he realize what it was after his lungs began deteriorating. Slowly killing him in the most inhumane way possible.
For this, he could never forgive Boa, or himself for loving her so much.
Heechul reached out and violently ripped the calendar off the wall and threw it down, exploding with anger at the thought. He clutched his hair tightly in his hands, sliding off the bed onto the ground, having no strength left.
He was trapped, haunted by his past and the hate that embodied him, unable to forget even when he so desperately wanted to. Living through his days for his family and not himself, dragging himself out of bed every morning when he had hoped the night before to slip away from this life in his sleep. He prayed to God to erase his dreams and nightmares so he could at least get one night’s peace without seeing Boa’s face, laughing and taunting him, crushing his heart in her hand while wearing that deceitful angel’s smile. He prayed for Him to give him enough courage to forgive and forget, but like a coward, Heechul couldn’t.
Because of her, he lived his life miserably, faking smiles and laughter, pretending to bless his family and friends happiness in finding love, pretending love was such a precious and beautiful thing.
Heechul let out a shaken gasp, shuddering as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Because of her... he stopped believing altogether. There was no such thing as love that existed in this world. Not for him, not anymore.
There were only lies and deceit.
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CHARACTERS INTRODUCED
Chaerin (2NE1)
Minji (2NE1)
Eunjung (T-ara)