heart as loud as lions
Title: heart as loud as lions
Pairing: Onew/Key
Rating: PG
Genre: Fluff, romance, angst(?)
Author's Note: i'm in a weird mood these days...
When you're in a boy group as popular as SHINee, things get complicated. Things get very complicated. When all of the boys auditioned, they did it for their pure love of music and the desire to share that passion with the world. Through all of the tension, anxiety, and stress, they got accepted into SM Academy and trained their bodies and voices until they would literally pass out from weariness. However, little known to the public, they didn't just get groomed to be the perfect singer, dancer, performer. They were groomed to be the perfect person. They took acting lessons to learn how to fake the best reactions on broadcasts and with their fans. They were shown how - even when they were in the shittiest mood ever, or being annoyed by papparazzi - to plaster a bright smile on their face or act tired so they wouldn't have to answer any questions. (Let's be real though, they didn't need acting lessons to pretend to be tired - not with their schedule).
Robbed of their freedom, they couldn't even show how they were really feeling half of the time. Even when they were on vacation, they had their image to uphold and couldn't just let loose and forget about all the rules. But management had rules. A huge list of rules. Sometimes when Jinki was laying in bed, thinking about his group, thinking about how much he wanted to protect them from everything - from everyone - he felt those rules pressing down on his chest until he was gasping for breath. Panic would roll over him and his heart would race in his chest until he'd feel arms wrapping around him. Their tears would mingle and Kibum would whisper soothing things while Jinki would choke, eventually being able to calm down and breathe again.
It was through moments like these that the two found each other. Jinki was naturally a shy, reserved person. He took everything to heart and strived to do his best. If the group didn't do too well on a performance, he would think of all the things he should've said or done, and he would get those same things repeated to him by management as he was scolded, head bowed and cheeks searing. But he didn't want any of the members to share that pain and embarrassment, so he would splash some cold water on his face and go back to the dorm, eyebrows knitted together before exiting the van and smiling brightly for the fans hanging around their dorm - the smile never faltering as he greeted the members inside.
But Kibum was a perceptive person. He was able to catch all of the instances when Jinki faltered. The tiny milisecond where his smile would dip, or his eyes would lose their shimmer. While Kibum wasn't an emotionless person, and he did feel the pressure and fatigue from all their work, he wanted to be strong for Jinki too. Nothing could be worse than burdening the leader more with his own insecurities. So he kept quiet about how he worried about his weight, or what his hair looked like, or what the fans thought of him and his blunt personality. He kept smiling for Jinki so that he could try to see more of that genuine smile that he sometimes caught over cups of tea in the morning when the rest of the world was sleeping and it was just them.
Through Kibum's (and Jinki's) protectiveness, they began caring for each other and the other members. The other three were more oblivious to their leader's lies though, and Kibum was always the one to find Jinki in the bathroom at performance venues staring at his reflection and wondering if he could do it - if he could fake another day. He was always the one to hear choked sobs at night and crawl into Jinki's bed, hugging him tightly as the older, larger boy curled into his chest like he just wanted to escape from everything. In one instance, on a particularly bad night, Jinki looked at him lying next to him in bed and pressed his lips harshly against the younger's - tear tracks still moist on his skin as he overpowered the smaller male. Kibum was surprised, to say the least, but pleasantly so, and he really did love Jinki so he let him go ahead with it, figuring Jinki was just trying to forget everything.
Little did he know that Jinki didn't just kiss him (make out with him, really) because he wanted a distraction. Kibum was laying in bed one night, drifting gratefully into slumber when his mattress sunk next to him and Jinki slipped under the sheets, wrapping his arms around the boy and holding his back against his chest protectively. Kibum, assuming something was the matter, turned over, their faces inches apart. "What's wrong?" he murmured, voice heavy with sleep. But Jinki looked fine. He had a sweet smile donning his face, and quite frankly looked a bit like a giddy schoolgirl, as he shook his head lightly and quietly responded, "Absolutely nothing," before leaning in to peck Kibum on the nose. It was then that Kibum knew that this was more than just friendship, his cheeks blushing a rosy hue and butterflies threatening to spill out his mouth as he snuggled closer to the warmth beside him.
From then on out, Jinki and Kibum were inseparable, to be quite frank. They started talking more, standing next to each other more, and sending each other loving glances. They didn't even think much of it, not until they got called into management, who strictly forbid them from showcasing their relationship. They were ordered to sit and stand farthest apart, and told to ensure they didn't show any more affection than they showed to the other members. Although the couple was obviously against it, they were scared of the repercussions - falling album sales, increasing anti-fans, getting kicked out from the group, and worst, destroying the other three boys' dream.
So they stopped showing as much. They still couldn't help the meaningful glances, or the small touches here and there, but management seemed to be appeased - at least at the time. But fans noticed these little things, and started creating fangroups just for 'OnKey' supporters. They wrote fanfiction about them, they drew art, they captured and logged every single little thing that could stand as proof of them being together. And this freaked management out. They demanded that the two break up or get out, yelling at them so much that Kibum was reduced into a pile of tears as they entered their room later, sobbing into Jinki's chest. The other members soon found out, and promised that they supported them, that they wouldn't let anything happen to them. And they kept that promise. Things went okay, but things couldn't be perfect forever.
It was a late night/early morning in February and Jinki and Kibum were on a date. They could really only go out at hours like these by themselves or be faced with fans or news reporters following them around. Their faces partially covered by hats and scarves, mittened hands clasped between their bodies and hips bumping now and again as they strolled along Han River. Stopping under one of the bridges, Jinki backed Kibum into the cold stone, hands holding his sides tightly and body flush against the younger. He smirked lightly, pulling down Kibum's scarf, revealing the blushing beauty that he could so thankfully call his. At that very moment, he leaned forward and kissed the boy, showing him all the love harboured in his chest. The younger kissed back with just as much love, and everything was perfect. Sure they would love to be more open about themselves, but at the moment they had each other, and that was good enough.
Until a few days later when photos of their date were splashed across every major news outlet on the net. Apparently dispatch had gotten an anonymous tip that caused them to stalk the lovers, documenting their date and showing a close up of their kiss so everyone could clearly see that it was Jinki and Kibum, even through the distortion of the darkness. There was no way management could deny this, and they summoned both of them to the office. The two walked in, fully expecting to be fired, and that's definitely how the conversation was going until Jonghyun burst through the door and said he would quit if they kicked the two out. Minho and Taemin weren't far behind, and Kibum was reduced to a pile of tears again, this time on the office floor as his bandmates - and boyfriend - tried to console him.
There was really nothing that could be done after that point. It was proof. Everyone now knew the two of them were a couple. SM had to release a statement, of course, because the public demanded it, and all of SHINee were in knots the night it was released, staying in their dorm together and promising everything was going to be alright and they'd stay together no matter what. Kibum began obsessively checking the web at that point, noticing their fan cafe membership decreasing slightly and reading numerous comments about those 'fags' who ruined SHINee. He couldn't help it, it was all too much, but he really did try to stay strong for Jinki, because he knew how much the older blamed himself for everything. "I shouldn't have done something so careless... Pulling off our scarves... I'm so stupid," was something he had heard many times since the incident.
So they tried to act normal, all going off to bed, Jinki and Kibum sharing a large bed and their own room as they had since they'd gotten together. Jinki seemed oddly at peace, and Kibum gave him a soft kiss on the mouth before watching as Jinki slowly closed his eyes. That human being in front of him still amazed him. Amazed how strong he was. Even through all the panic attacks and anxiety and burden he carried, he was still able to go on. And he was getting more confident each day, whether that was through Kibum's influence or not. He didn't want to think about the hateful remarks made towards his lover, but he couldn't help but worry - what the fans might physically do when they see them, since they couldn't hide in their dorm forever. He was scared, to be quite frank, because their society wasn't very accepting of them, and he hated it. He really, really did.
Before he knew it, tears were already streaming down his face, but he tried to keep quiet for the sake of letting his boyfriend sleep. Soon enough though, Jinki opened his eyes slowly and saw the glossy eyes in front of him, the tears diving down porcelain cheeks to splash onto their duvet. He slowly, instinctively, reached out and cupped those cheeks, rubbing his thumbs under Kibum's eyes to wipe away the tears and leaning forward to plant a gentle kiss on the other's salty lips. He really didn't need to ask what was wrong, but Kibum said it anyway, "W-what if... they hate us... I'm so scared, Jinki..." More tears threatened to spill, and Jinki felt his heart clench at the sight, wishing he could be in a different world right now. One where the two of them could just be and not worry about anything but paying their bills and submitting their thesis on time.
Summoning up his strength, Jinki stayed strong for his lover. Kibum was always there to comfort him in his times of need, and for some reason, although Jinki was scared out of his wits about what might happen in the future, he was relieved that the secret was out. Album sales might fall, fans may leave, people would definitely hate them and curse them - maybe even hurt them - but he could finally show the world how much he loved this delicate boy laying beside him. He let a soft smile spread on his lips, still stroking Kibum's cheeks, as he hummed, "You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed? Baby, we're a little different, there's no need to be ashamed. You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away."
Kibum chuckled through his tears, sniffling to the song by Emeli Sande that Jinki claimed was their perfect 'coming out' song. He was a dork, but he knew exactly what to do and say to make him feel better. And looking into those loving eyes of his boyfriend, he felt safe. He felt like, even with all the things that might happen tomorrow, he would still get the priviledge of laying down at night and seeing those messy honey brown locks. He'd still be able to kiss those plump lips and sit with him early in the morning in silence, the sun rising as they sipped on their tea. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes again, this time for a completely different reason, and he wrapped his arms around Jinki's neck, closing the gap between their bodies and lips, tangling himself in the embrace that he knew - unlike tomorrow - would never change.
Pairing: Onew/Key
Rating: PG
Genre: Fluff, romance, angst(?)
Author's Note: i'm in a weird mood these days...
When you're in a boy group as popular as SHINee, things get complicated. Things get very complicated. When all of the boys auditioned, they did it for their pure love of music and the desire to share that passion with the world. Through all of the tension, anxiety, and stress, they got accepted into SM Academy and trained their bodies and voices until they would literally pass out from weariness. However, little known to the public, they didn't just get groomed to be the perfect singer, dancer, performer. They were groomed to be the perfect person. They took acting lessons to learn how to fake the best reactions on broadcasts and with their fans. They were shown how - even when they were in the shittiest mood ever, or being annoyed by papparazzi - to plaster a bright smile on their face or act tired so they wouldn't have to answer any questions. (Let's be real though, they didn't need acting lessons to pretend to be tired - not with their schedule).
Robbed of their freedom, they couldn't even show how they were really feeling half of the time. Even when they were on vacation, they had their image to uphold and couldn't just let loose and forget about all the rules. But management had rules. A huge list of rules. Sometimes when Jinki was laying in bed, thinking about his group, thinking about how much he wanted to protect them from everything - from everyone - he felt those rules pressing down on his chest until he was gasping for breath. Panic would roll over him and his heart would race in his chest until he'd feel arms wrapping around him. Their tears would mingle and Kibum would whisper soothing things while Jinki would choke, eventually being able to calm down and breathe again.
It was through moments like these that the two found each other. Jinki was naturally a shy, reserved person. He took everything to heart and strived to do his best. If the group didn't do too well on a performance, he would think of all the things he should've said or done, and he would get those same things repeated to him by management as he was scolded, head bowed and cheeks searing. But he didn't want any of the members to share that pain and embarrassment, so he would splash some cold water on his face and go back to the dorm, eyebrows knitted together before exiting the van and smiling brightly for the fans hanging around their dorm - the smile never faltering as he greeted the members inside.
But Kibum was a perceptive person. He was able to catch all of the instances when Jinki faltered. The tiny milisecond where his smile would dip, or his eyes would lose their shimmer. While Kibum wasn't an emotionless person, and he did feel the pressure and fatigue from all their work, he wanted to be strong for Jinki too. Nothing could be worse than burdening the leader more with his own insecurities. So he kept quiet about how he worried about his weight, or what his hair looked like, or what the fans thought of him and his blunt personality. He kept smiling for Jinki so that he could try to see more of that genuine smile that he sometimes caught over cups of tea in the morning when the rest of the world was sleeping and it was just them.
Through Kibum's (and Jinki's) protectiveness, they began caring for each other and the other members. The other three were more oblivious to their leader's lies though, and Kibum was always the one to find Jinki in the bathroom at performance venues staring at his reflection and wondering if he could do it - if he could fake another day. He was always the one to hear choked sobs at night and crawl into Jinki's bed, hugging him tightly as the older, larger boy curled into his chest like he just wanted to escape from everything. In one instance, on a particularly bad night, Jinki looked at him lying next to him in bed and pressed his lips harshly against the younger's - tear tracks still moist on his skin as he overpowered the smaller male. Kibum was surprised, to say the least, but pleasantly so, and he really did love Jinki so he let him go ahead with it, figuring Jinki was just trying to forget everything.
Little did he know that Jinki didn't just kiss him (make out with him, really) because he wanted a distraction. Kibum was laying in bed one night, drifting gratefully into slumber when his mattress sunk next to him and Jinki slipped under the sheets, wrapping his arms around the boy and holding his back against his chest protectively. Kibum, assuming something was the matter, turned over, their faces inches apart. "What's wrong?" he murmured, voice heavy with sleep. But Jinki looked fine. He had a sweet smile donning his face, and quite frankly looked a bit like a giddy schoolgirl, as he shook his head lightly and quietly responded, "Absolutely nothing," before leaning in to peck Kibum on the nose. It was then that Kibum knew that this was more than just friendship, his cheeks blushing a rosy hue and butterflies threatening to spill out his mouth as he snuggled closer to the warmth beside him.
From then on out, Jinki and Kibum were inseparable, to be quite frank. They started talking more, standing next to each other more, and sending each other loving glances. They didn't even think much of it, not until they got called into management, who strictly forbid them from showcasing their relationship. They were ordered to sit and stand farthest apart, and told to ensure they didn't show any more affection than they showed to the other members. Although the couple was obviously against it, they were scared of the repercussions - falling album sales, increasing anti-fans, getting kicked out from the group, and worst, destroying the other three boys' dream.
So they stopped showing as much. They still couldn't help the meaningful glances, or the small touches here and there, but management seemed to be appeased - at least at the time. But fans noticed these little things, and started creating fangroups just for 'OnKey' supporters. They wrote fanfiction about them, they drew art, they captured and logged every single little thing that could stand as proof of them being together. And this freaked management out. They demanded that the two break up or get out, yelling at them so much that Kibum was reduced into a pile of tears as they entered their room later, sobbing into Jinki's chest. The other members soon found out, and promised that they supported them, that they wouldn't let anything happen to them. And they kept that promise. Things went okay, but things couldn't be perfect forever.
It was a late night/early morning in February and Jinki and Kibum were on a date. They could really only go out at hours like these by themselves or be faced with fans or news reporters following them around. Their faces partially covered by hats and scarves, mittened hands clasped between their bodies and hips bumping now and again as they strolled along Han River. Stopping under one of the bridges, Jinki backed Kibum into the cold stone, hands holding his sides tightly and body flush against the younger. He smirked lightly, pulling down Kibum's scarf, revealing the blushing beauty that he could so thankfully call his. At that very moment, he leaned forward and kissed the boy, showing him all the love harboured in his chest. The younger kissed back with just as much love, and everything was perfect. Sure they would love to be more open about themselves, but at the moment they had each other, and that was good enough.
Until a few days later when photos of their date were splashed across every major news outlet on the net. Apparently dispatch had gotten an anonymous tip that caused them to stalk the lovers, documenting their date and showing a close up of their kiss so everyone could clearly see that it was Jinki and Kibum, even through the distortion of the darkness. There was no way management could deny this, and they summoned both of them to the office. The two walked in, fully expecting to be fired, and that's definitely how the conversation was going until Jonghyun burst through the door and said he would quit if they kicked the two out. Minho and Taemin weren't far behind, and Kibum was reduced to a pile of tears again, this time on the office floor as his bandmates - and boyfriend - tried to console him.
There was really nothing that could be done after that point. It was proof. Everyone now knew the two of them were a couple. SM had to release a statement, of course, because the public demanded it, and all of SHINee were in knots the night it was released, staying in their dorm together and promising everything was going to be alright and they'd stay together no matter what. Kibum began obsessively checking the web at that point, noticing their fan cafe membership decreasing slightly and reading numerous comments about those 'fags' who ruined SHINee. He couldn't help it, it was all too much, but he really did try to stay strong for Jinki, because he knew how much the older blamed himself for everything. "I shouldn't have done something so careless... Pulling off our scarves... I'm so stupid," was something he had heard many times since the incident.
So they tried to act normal, all going off to bed, Jinki and Kibum sharing a large bed and their own room as they had since they'd gotten together. Jinki seemed oddly at peace, and Kibum gave him a soft kiss on the mouth before watching as Jinki slowly closed his eyes. That human being in front of him still amazed him. Amazed how strong he was. Even through all the panic attacks and anxiety and burden he carried, he was still able to go on. And he was getting more confident each day, whether that was through Kibum's influence or not. He didn't want to think about the hateful remarks made towards his lover, but he couldn't help but worry - what the fans might physically do when they see them, since they couldn't hide in their dorm forever. He was scared, to be quite frank, because their society wasn't very accepting of them, and he hated it. He really, really did.
Before he knew it, tears were already streaming down his face, but he tried to keep quiet for the sake of letting his boyfriend sleep. Soon enough though, Jinki opened his eyes slowly and saw the glossy eyes in front of him, the tears diving down porcelain cheeks to splash onto their duvet. He slowly, instinctively, reached out and cupped those cheeks, rubbing his thumbs under Kibum's eyes to wipe away the tears and leaning forward to plant a gentle kiss on the other's salty lips. He really didn't need to ask what was wrong, but Kibum said it anyway, "W-what if... they hate us... I'm so scared, Jinki..." More tears threatened to spill, and Jinki felt his heart clench at the sight, wishing he could be in a different world right now. One where the two of them could just be and not worry about anything but paying their bills and submitting their thesis on time.
Summoning up his strength, Jinki stayed strong for his lover. Kibum was always there to comfort him in his times of need, and for some reason, although Jinki was scared out of his wits about what might happen in the future, he was relieved that the secret was out. Album sales might fall, fans may leave, people would definitely hate them and curse them - maybe even hurt them - but he could finally show the world how much he loved this delicate boy laying beside him. He let a soft smile spread on his lips, still stroking Kibum's cheeks, as he hummed, "You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed? Baby, we're a little different, there's no need to be ashamed. You've got the light to fight the shadows, so stop hiding it away."
Kibum chuckled through his tears, sniffling to the song by Emeli Sande that Jinki claimed was their perfect 'coming out' song. He was a dork, but he knew exactly what to do and say to make him feel better. And looking into those loving eyes of his boyfriend, he felt safe. He felt like, even with all the things that might happen tomorrow, he would still get the priviledge of laying down at night and seeing those messy honey brown locks. He'd still be able to kiss those plump lips and sit with him early in the morning in silence, the sun rising as they sipped on their tea. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes again, this time for a completely different reason, and he wrapped his arms around Jinki's neck, closing the gap between their bodies and lips, tangling himself in the embrace that he knew - unlike tomorrow - would never change.