I've been thinking and here's what I conclude
Theoretically, I don't have time to write and post this entry. Theoretically, I don't have time to entertain even the thought of relaxing right now, or of doing something that benefits me and only me. Theoretically.
My life is really weird right now. The way I explain it to those who ask is: I am engaged, once again, in a long-distance relationship with someone who loves me and wants to be with me when I visit her in 16 days--but not after that; I am the assistant news editor of The Mount Holyoke News and I spend most of my week-days working on that--it's rewarding, I love it, I love writing for the paper, seeing my name in print, and I love doing the layout and working my ass off for a paper of which I am proud--and a paper that gets read by many people on campus; oh, and I am still in school and taking three classes and working on a thesis.
Homework, what? Thesis? Last on my priority list? You heard me.
My anthropology class is going to kill me, even though I declared it pass/fail (thank GOD).
If I were to sit down for ten minutes by myself without work, without music, without my computer, without a pen and paper... I think I would start crying and I wouldn't stop. I don't want to feel everything that I feel; I want to stave off the feelings for as long as possible, because when it comes it's going to be a deluge.
Emo? Fuck that, everyone's issues are relative. And I am lucky; I am mostly happy, but I am confused right now and I don't know what I need or what I want.
I'm angry. When I walk home these days I get the urge to throw something heavy and significant into the lake; I want to throw something, I want to rip something apart, I want to hit something.
Where do I go from here?
My life is really weird right now. The way I explain it to those who ask is: I am engaged, once again, in a long-distance relationship with someone who loves me and wants to be with me when I visit her in 16 days--but not after that; I am the assistant news editor of The Mount Holyoke News and I spend most of my week-days working on that--it's rewarding, I love it, I love writing for the paper, seeing my name in print, and I love doing the layout and working my ass off for a paper of which I am proud--and a paper that gets read by many people on campus; oh, and I am still in school and taking three classes and working on a thesis.
Homework, what? Thesis? Last on my priority list? You heard me.
My anthropology class is going to kill me, even though I declared it pass/fail (thank GOD).
If I were to sit down for ten minutes by myself without work, without music, without my computer, without a pen and paper... I think I would start crying and I wouldn't stop. I don't want to feel everything that I feel; I want to stave off the feelings for as long as possible, because when it comes it's going to be a deluge.
Emo? Fuck that, everyone's issues are relative. And I am lucky; I am mostly happy, but I am confused right now and I don't know what I need or what I want.
I'm angry. When I walk home these days I get the urge to throw something heavy and significant into the lake; I want to throw something, I want to rip something apart, I want to hit something.
Where do I go from here?