At this point I'm guessing about 80/20
So my sexuality has been a constant source of confusion for me since about forever. There was a time I honestly thought I was totally straight even though I felt attraction to girls. I don't even know. I didn't realize that I was possibly bisexual until well after college, which HI COLLEGE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD TIME TO FIGURE THAT OUT. siiiiiiigh. But yeah I fell in love with a girl and that's how I started to figure it out.
But what I've noticed is that I tend to have more media crushes on men than women. See current obsession Alex O'Loughlin and forever life obsession Karl Urban. But in real life I tend to crush more on women. I'm sure there's something in there about level of comfort and safety that I feel with women men and liking that separation that exists when you only see your crush on a tv screen. Plus I often take it a step further and crush on the characters rather than the actors because less disappointment somehow.
What's the point? I was at a an arts festival today and felt attraction to an actual flesh and blood male. Now granted he lives out of town and I will likely never see him again so the argument could be made that he's no more real than Leonard McCoy or Steve McGarrett but it was just odd to feel actual feelings! He was part of a group doing capoeira and I just couldn't take my eyes off him.
Anyway it leads to a larger issue I have in that while I am incredibly open here and with my friends about liking the ladies, I have yet to come out to my family. Part of it is just general anxiety about telling my parents anything, seriously I never told them about any boyfriends ever... I just let them figure it out, but part of it is not knowing how to label myself. A lesbian who crushes on men? Bisexual, but not in the girls gone wild oh there's a camera on us kind of way? Just generally confused most of the time? It just seems like if I could figure that out it would be easier to talk about it.
I'm not sure there are any answers to be had. I just needed to get some of this out of my head. (and I don't even want to think about explaining to them my views on monogamy and open relationships). Ugh. Family is complicated.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.