no words can express
the pain i'm feeling
total random thoughts but I am seriously considering. Every year I swear is a fucked up year..For months everyday as I get ready for school I think of a different way to kill myself..I stare at the mirror and think of which method would have the quickest impact so I won't feel anything, the cleanest, the method where I won't feel guilty when they find my body. One night coming home from the 405 freeway I had a chance to..I started speeding fast..really fast and I closed my eyes and started crying because nothing is going right at all..and I opened my eyes right before I almost slam into a Lincoln and the highway railing. I'm scared...call up my ex he seems so concerned BUT later on he confessess that he wished I did kill myself that night..that he would have been happy.
I'm not in love with my boyfriend. He wants to make love. I want to fuck. He wants me to be there I want to be on the outside. He wants me to be the wife, girlfriend..I want to be a fuckbuddy, an "everynow&thenjustLetMEgetafixofthedickthatfeelssoGOOD". He pays for everything.. my bills, my clothes, my tickets, our trips, my emotional fuckups.I am a selfish selfish young woman and I know I can never fuck up his love for me..because he loves me so damn much. I know because whenever he says it he looks like he is going to cry..and this guy never cries. Crying is a sign of weakness to him. Today we made love twice..LOVE..you wanna know whats the fucked up part about it..he had to force me to make love. I had to be forced to relax look into his eyes..let him hold me and feel beautiful and not like some random chic that got brought back to the apartment to fuck. He doesn't want to fuck me..Do you know how hard to was to do that..to relax and feel the love that he gives me..I wanted to scream because it was so sensual like he was a part of my soul. No one needs to know me like that. I don't knwo how to handle it..it makes me feel like im his...i don't want to feel his love for me. not now..as much as i wanna pretend..lord I don't need that right now.
Today I got into a car accident and felt my first brush of racisim and it was sour. I felt like throwing shards of glass into their blue eyes and blond hair. No one comes to help me..the frightened 20 yr. old black girl car all fucked up and they run to the middle aged white guy and look at me and shake thie heads. My car is fucked up his is fine just a flat tire. My cellphone is dead the cops keep asking me questions and I feel so alone. Never get into an accident in a white neighborhood...a mental note I need to instill in my head.
I know I am beautiful so ask me why I took a hanger and carved the words Ugly, fat and failure into my thigh at the age of fifteen. Exterior Beauty is nothing if you feel so ugly on the inside. You can be there for everyone else but no one realizes that you are trying to runaway from your own fucked up life. Where every morning you would like to share a dream with someone but bogged down with "at least your pretty and you can marry a rich husband"..no faith in me..where is my support. No one has my back..no one.. does anyone know how it feels to here your mother give you an hour lecture everyday as to how I am going to be a failure in life? How there is something wrong with me because I can't be like everyone else who wants to be a docotor lawayer nurse. How it is SO WRONG TO BE ME.
I'm not gonna do anything crazy like kill myself. Please I love life too much..and there are dreams i want to live out. but I see that my compassion for people, my trust in individuals is none. I know I cannot love someone. There is one person I know that can validate that. I can't love, now..not now..not when there are so many of you ARE: against me..when I know that you all see me as some sort of pretty face..as passive...as timid...as scared.. as being the shoulder you can cry on at all times...thank you for underestimating me. Getting into that accident today made me realize the next day is not promised..so why the fuck should I sit back and let your judgements rule MY life.