Two Years
I'm not even sure why I'm starting this again. Its defintitely been more than two years since I've written. I think I need a place where I can write again. I love writing. I owe it to myself to do it. I also needed a place where it could be read, but not by certain people. Not for any reason in bad taste, but solely for privacy. So...What do I want to say..I want to write about Ben. I love him. I really do love that boy deep within him. The vulnerable, beautifully smiling child that existed for such a short time, recalled only in pictures. The little boy that trusted and had yet to be hurt by the world. I love the man that resides deep within him as well. This man who wants to serve his God, wants to use his knowledge for good, wants to be accomplished and productive. He has both in him, and for some reason, is afraid to let either out. I know he won't let the man out because he doesn't want to grow up. If he admits growing up, he will have to take the bad with the good. He has observed well. Why grow up? He still has the selfish boy in him that overtakes this side, not ready to become what he will be. I think that God put me in his life to help him embrace this beautiful part of himself. In the meantime, I just can't get frusterated that he isn't there yet. It's okay. I just met him. He doesn't have to be there right away. The problem is that selfishly I want him to be for myself. I am more there than he is, in different ways. Mainly, that I understand being vulnerable. I understand being hurt. It is the cycle of life that we will only escape when we die. He understands it. He understands it too well. He just is not ready to surrender himself to it. Why should he? It would be letting that little boy out. Right now he's letting the little boy out that he never got to be. He's told me all I can do is talk about how terrible he is, so he knows he's not going to last long, he might as well protect himself. I suppose my job then is to talk about how amazing he is. If I want him to really love me, I need to get him to trust me, which means not giving up on my end. On my side of things, I feel it very unfair that he would become my boyfriend not having fallen for me. I mean, you can tell, the way someone looks at you, if they love you. I have a good discernment for things...but I suppose I just need to have patience. If I really love him, I will be selfless and stop dwelling on the fact that he's not there yet. I told him, if he doesn't trust me...who else will he find willing to wait? I think that God is telling me he gave me this heart for a reason. Ben needs me, as much as he will or will not admit it. I promised this boy I would not hurt him, therefore...I can't hurt him. It shouldn't matter if he's not there yet, we're not married...We're dating. We've barely begun dating. I should draw that worth from God. I just need the strength of Jesus every moment of my life. Yes, the relationship isn't about me right now. I've been miraculously healed from my pain from Jim. Ben hasn't been healed from what happened with Lauren. It is my job as the female who loves him most next to his mother to pray for his healing. He is an amazing guy. He's so beautiful, he just puts up wall after wall after wall of toughness. It is so easy to get frusterated with him, but I can't. I love him. I do, despite myself. I know that I do because of how I look at him. I could just look at him all day. He fascinates me. I don't see his flaws. Either that, or I see them and overlook them. So I need to speak life. He doesn't think I'm in it. I need to show him I am.
SF
SF