untitled (chapter 9)
Chapter 9
I kicked the ball as hard as I could and then I ran after it. Dribbled it for a while before I kicked it again. And then I chased it. Over and over again.
It was early November, but the air already had a slight chill to it. It smelt different from the air back at home. Japan always smelt of the hustle and bustle of the crowd, whereas home had a scent I couldn’t name but it was familiar and comforting. I missed home, missed my family. I doubted I’d be home for Christmas again. I should be used to it by now but I never could get over it.
I felt lonely, kicking my soccer ball around by myself. I didn’t want to be in the apartment with everyone else. As of late, I was beginning to sense a change in the house and I didn’t think I would be able to deal with it.
Yunho was quieter and more contemplative these days. I think he’s chasing someone.
And it’s not me. I only realized this a few days ago and the thought left a bitter taste in my mouth. I, Kim Junsu, had been so sure that just liking him from far would be enough. That the stolen moments of him wrapping his arms around me, of us sitting side by side talking would more than satisfy me. It certainly did feel that way. I didn’t even feel the need to touch him intimately.
In fact, I thought I probably had no real feelings for him. Maybe it was just because I was so new to the whole thing. I latched myself onto him because he was the most manly one of us all. He was the perfect guy - the one closest to perfection anyway.
But the drawn out silences, the increased hours at the gym had shorten our times together. And when I realized it was because he might be pining away for someone - and it wasn’t me - I realized that I had been hoping that he would make a move.
Subconsciously, I thought he liked me too and he would do something.
And when he didn’t. I suddenly burned with an incredible amount of lust for Yunho. Sick. So very sick. But I wanted him to suddenly push me against a wall and for him to kiss me. Sitting next to him became painful, short of torture. I couldn’t do anything because I still had not yet told anyone, much to Junho’s annoyance. Slowly, I was reverting back to my confused days.
Thus the need for alone time to play ball.
I kicked the ball again and began running after it when I spotted a figure in blue approaching me. Yunho? I turned hopefully but was only greeted by Yoochun’s pale face, hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie. “Oh, it’s you.”
“What do you mean it’s you?” He ran a finger through his newly chopped off locks. “Who were you expecting?”
Yunho. I turned away and resumed my ball chasing. “No one!”
I could hear him huffing and panting as he ran to catch up with me. The smoking was beginning to take a toll on him. “Kick the ball over, then.” He shouted as I caught up with the ball.
I stifled a laugh. Yoochun was not big on soccer. But I humoured him and kicked the ball in his direction. As expected, he missed and had to go puffing away after it. The image of him struggling to get the ball was hilarious yet a little sad at the same time. I felt bad when he finally caught up to it.
“Time for a break!” I called out, seeing his face had lost all colour. He nodded, unable to say anything. I jogged over and plucked the ball out of his hands. “Man are you unhealthy.”
“I’m healthy, just not fit.” The words came in short gasps. “This stupid asthma.”
It’s your cigarettes, I thought as we walked to the bleachers. He gave me a look and I realized I’d spoken my thoughts out loud. Hastily I shook my head. “That was supposed to be in my head.”
Guess who made things worse? Yoochun dropped himself on one of the chairs and leant forwards, his head bent. “I know, Su.”
For a minute I clutched my ball, wondering if I should continue with this subject. As of late, everyone seemed to be going through something, except Jaejoong. No one really spoke to each other but we were well aware of the problems we were facing. Uh, that is to say, Yunho and Yoochun. They were obvious. I doubt they knew mine and no one knows what’s going on in Changmin’s head most of the time. Unless it was time to eat.
He coughed, a horrible dry cough and I decided I had to say something. “I wish you wouldn’t smoke.”
His head shot up so fast I barely had time to register it. “Don’t. Just don’t. Yunho gives me enough.”
“Because he’s worried. And so am I. We all are.” I sat beside him. How long has it been since the two of us had been alone together?
“I know I know. Fucked up world.” I raised my eyebrows at the sudden vulgarity. “They make something like nicotine which relaxes you, bad for your body. Does that even make sense?”
“Too much of a good thing is bad for you,” I offered though I didn’t think cigarettes were a good thing. “If you’re stressed, why don’t you write songs or play basketball like you used to?”
He sneered and leant back in his seat. “Dude, if I had time for all that I wouldn’t have these.” Yoochun tapped the area underneath his eyes and I winced. Without the thick make-up we were all subjected to every day, he looked like an anorexic panda. “So fucking tired all the fucking time.”
I leant back in my own seat, unsure of what to say. I couldn’t let it go just like that. “So go to sleep straight away. Don’t waste time in lighting a stick.”
Yoochun shook his head and put a hand in his pocket. I groaned as he extracted the familiar red pack with its signature art nouveau lettering. With deft movements, he lit a stick and took a long drag, inhaling the smoke. I made a face. “See how fast it is to light one? And it calms me down, helps me fall asleep faster so I don’t have to hear Jae yakking on the phone.”
“If you’re as tired as you claim to be, you’d be asleep the moment your head touches the pillow.” I muttered, annoyed at his flippant behaviour. “Surprised Jae lets you smoke in your room.”
“Jae?” Yoochun let out a small bark of laughter. “He’s an ex-smoker, he probably loves the smell. He takes his time chasing me out of the room, alright.”
I was beginning to feel agitated. Also, the smoke was making me dizzy and I was unable to think clearly. “It’s your lungs so you can destroy them but don’t drag other people into it.”
“I’m not, okay? I’m just doing my thing. It’s up to Jae if he wants to be influenced or not.” He blew a perfect smoke ring. I coughed, my eyes watering. “Stop exaggerating, Su.”
“You’re tempting him! And you know how hard it was for him to stop smoking as well.” I had no idea why but I was becoming upset.
“Su, for the love of God, can you just let me find my own escape? I need to relax, need to release my tension. It’s not like I have a girl to fuck.” His voice was hard and I realized he must still be jealous of Jaejoong. “Fucking hormones. Fuck.”
“There is no need for you to behave like an animal.” I said, without thinking. I was getting fired up. All of us were tired too but none of us were acting on impulse. If smoking had no effect on his health, on our health, I wouldn’t care but I had no such luck.
Maybe Yoochun was right. The world was a tad bit unfair.
He looked at me, his expression unreadable. “Animal? Su, I’m sorry I am capable of sexually desiring someone and you’re not.”
That was uncalled for. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m sorry you have about as much sex drive as a stone.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” My voice was high pitched and I was aware that my there was a dull stinging sensation behind my eyes. Oh no. Oh no. Don’t-
“Come on, Su, it’s just not normal.” His tone had changed, it was no longer as hard. He knew what was going to happen. “I’ve never heard you talk about it without-“
“Fuck you.” I was bawling now, uncontrollably. It was as though something inside me had broken the dam I had so neatly made to hold in all my emotions. Gone. “Fuck you, Park Yoochun. Who are you to tell me what’s normal and what’s not? Huh, who do you think you are, God? You did not fucking create me, you’re not in my shoes! You think it’s not hard for me to live in this stupid body of mine, having to live a certain way because it’s considered normal? For your information we all have problems too, but you don’t see me smoking or doing anything to ruin my body. Huh, Park Yoochun?! Do you?!”
He tried to pull me to him, to hug me, hold me but I didn’t want to be touched. “Don’t you dare touch me with those filthy hands, with that poison on your lips!”
He spat the cigarette out and squashed it with his heels. And then he reached out for me. As his arms encircled me, I pretended it was Yunho and that he was there, making everything better. But I couldn’t stop. I was unable to stop crying, the tears just gushing out, the sobs just getting louder. And he just held me, trying to ride the pain out.
Yoochun grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently. “Junsu, tell me.”
I was so tired. So tired of keeping secrets. And, truthfully, I couldn’t think straight. I saw Yoochun as Yunho, offering me everything I’d been wanting. I couldn’t keep it in a moment longer. I closed my eyes and counted to ten before I opened them again. “I’m gay.”
The moment the words left my lips, I felt Yoochun’s grip on my shoulders weaken. But only for a second. He threw his arms around me, hugging me harder. “Are you sure?”
The same words Junho had said when I told him. I was crying harder now, the relief and fear intricately woven into one gigantic ball of feelings. “I dream about Yunho fucking me. I think about making out with him when we’re alone. Chun, I’ve even dreamt of you, in that way.”
I shouldn’t have said that, but I knew that he wouldn’t let me go, no matter how disturbed he felt. This was Yoochun. Yoochun would never let me down.
He pulled away and attempted to smile. And then I realized he was shaking, that he was pale and he looked nervous. “Was I any good?” He said wryly.
“The sheets.” It took him a moment to get it. “The sheets Jaejoong keeps complaining about. They’re not Changmin’s they’re mine.”
“Wow.” He whistled through his teeth. All this while he never stopped stroking my back, patting my shoulders gently. “Wow. Okay. Is this turning you on?”
I choked. Trust him to make a joke, even at his own expense, as this time. I wiped my face with my hands and tried to stop myself from making weird sounds. Yoochun rubbed his face and then patted my head. Neither of us knew what to say.
Presently, I was able to stop crying. The two of us sat in awkward silence. I didn’t know what to say. The confession had come out of nowhere and I was beginning to regret it. What if things turned awkward between us? Why did I tell him that I had wet dreams about him? Why-
“How long have you known?” He asked, finally breaking the ice. His hand moved down to grip mine.
“For a while now.” My eyes were watering again. “I didn’t want to be for so long that I was miserable. And then when I accepted it, I was happy for a while. But it’s so horrible to want something you can’t have. It’s not fair.”
He bit his lips and squeezed my hand slightly. “Yunho?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh boy.” He squeezed my hand again. Harder.“Oh boy.”
Later on when we walked back to the apartment, he chucked his Pall Malls into a dustbin. I didn’t understand why, but now looking back it seemed appropriate.
He was going to need all of his breath to fight for something he desperately needed.
A/N: He finally told someone! Did you all expect that? XD I hope it wasn't too much of a letdown, my beta was satisfied but not super satisfied with this >.<
All my lovely readers: THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH ME.