untitled (chapter 5)
Chapter 5
The Identity Acceptance stage means the person accepts themselves. "I will be okay." The person attaches a positive connotation to their gay or lesbian identity and accepts rather than tolerates it. There is continuing and increased contact with the gay and lesbian culture. The task is to deal with inner tension of no longer subscribing to society's norm, attempt to bring congruence between private and public view of self.
I can’t tell you how long it took before I could look at myself in a mirror and not feel revolted at the sight of my own face. All I know is, one day I woke up and I didn’t feel so horrible about myself anymore.
Of course I wasn’t completely okay with it yet. That was why I kept telling myself that I was just going to see what it was like to see gays in action. I told myself I needed to see that there were other guys just like me, that I wasn’t in it to have fun. But here I was, rubbing BB cream all over my face.
And I was excited. Excited at the prospect of. Well. Of-
“Su, Junho’s here.” Yoochun’s voice scared me, I thought I was alone. I dropped the tube onto the dresser and began a mad hunt for my bag. Yoochun laughed and passed me my bag, which had been on my bed. “You okay? You’re all nervous.”
Because every time I see your stupid face I think about that one dream I had about you. And how much I enjoyed it. How I can’t seem to stop staring at your lips.
Oh God, I’m such a sick bastard.
I grab the bag from him. “Yeah, fine. Thanks.”
He narrowed his eyes and then he shrugged. “Okay, Su. Have a good time.”
“I intend to.” And I did. I mean. I will have fun, finally finding out how my people worked.
“That’s good. However,” He turned around abruptly, our faces just inches from colliding. His hand comes closer to my face and I back away, on instinct. He chuckled and rubbed my cheek. “You should really learn how to apply make up without our make up artistes.”
That warmth again, spreading across my cheeks. I push his hand away and walk past him. “Goodnight Yoochun. I’ll see you in the morning.”
It’s because I dreamt about him and no one else that I feel weird around him. It’s not as though I really have a thing for him. How can I anyway, when I’m so new to this thing? Is it supposed to go this fast? Or does it only seem fast to me because this is my first time?
First time with what? I’m losing my mind.
I try not to think about it as I make my way to Junho’s car. I get into the car and fasten my seatbelt. Junho looks at me inquiringly. “Ready?”
For a while, I just breathe, dispelling all thoughts from my head. I close my eyes and empty my mind. When I finally open them, I feel slightly better. “Thanks for coming with me to a gay club.”
Junho reaches over and squeezes my hand. I realize how much I had grown to depend on him in the past few months, how up until then I had always refused to depend on him. I squeeze his hand back, thanking God silently for giving him to me. He smiles. “Anytime.”
He brushes up against me, his hips ever so slightly bumping my own. I feel blood rushing to my face as I realize what the guy is doing. However I find myself finding it a turn on, instead of being disgusted. I smile at him. “Hey, you.”
“Hey, you.” He leant in, closer than he should have. “What’s with the mask?”
I have no choice. Who knows who might see me here? The minute someone takes a picture of me in a place like this, I cease to become a singer. In fact I cease to become any thing. Hence, the black mask.
I can see Junho worrying from where he’s sitting. I try to give him a reassuring smile while I say to the guy, “My pick-up line.”
He smiles, though it’s more of a leer actually. “Oh really? How so?”
“To see what’s behind the mask, you’re going to have to give me your phone number.” Oh my God, how lame can I get?
“What if I’m not interested?” He says, even thought he’s pressed up against me, indicating his interest. He reaches out to take the mask off but I duck, frightened. “Aw man, don’t be a tease. How about a little hint, eh?”
For the first time since we entered the gay club I had looked up online, I felt scared. This guy seemed to have had one too many drinks. I back away, only to find myself against a wall. Somehow, this guy managed to drive me into a corner. Heart pounding, I licked my dry lips, thinking of what I should do next.
He misinterpreted the lip licking as a ‘Come and get it’ signal. Before I could stop him, he’d kissed me, full on my lips. I could taste alcohol, smoke - which I detested - and mint. I wasn’t going to let him kiss me, he’s a stranger for God’s sake! But he kept insisting, his lips moving urgently against my own. He nibbled on my bottom lip, teasing, coaxing me to open my mouth. Even though there was a part of me that knew that this was wrong, that I should not be so easy, I could feel myself getting caught up in the moment.
With a sigh, I open my mouth and he runs his tongue over my teeth. He sucks and teases my lips, but seemed to be doing it in such a way that I am not satisfied. I reel him in and he threads his fingers through my hair. I felt as though my body was on fire. And when he trailed kisses down my neck I had to bite my lip to keep myself from moaning.
His hands close around the ribbon that keeps my mask on. He tugs it and I’m jolted out of my drugged stupor. I push him away, my breathing harsh. “I told you, no number, the mask stays on.”
“And I told you, don’t be a tease.” He eyed my pants, which were beginning to feel a little tight. “There’s no use trying to play hard to get. I can see what you want.”
“It’s definitely not you.” I have no idea where the courage came from, but I managed to spit the words out. “Excuse me, I have other things to do.”
I push past him, my heart thumping wildly. Did he see the fear in my eyes? Could he tell I was freaked out? I just wanted to put as much distance between as possible.
Of course I had forgotten that the real world was not that easy.
He grabs my hand and attempts to pull me towards him. I make a mental note to thank Yunho for making all of us work out as I thwart his plans by resisting. I shake his hand off, with difficulty.
“I did not expect that from someone as skinny as you.” The guy said, shaking his head. He smiled. “Unfortunately for you, you’re just turning me on. And when I want to fuck, nothing gets in the way.” He grabs both my hands this time, more forceful than the first time he did it. Don’t panic. Stay calm. I tried to shake him off again, but it was no use. His grip on me was too strong.
I wanted to cry, at that point. I was afraid of what he might do to me and I knew, with horrible certainty, that I would not be able to fight him off. He was taller and heavier than me and he was under the influence of alcohol. Somehow that always makes people stronger.
“Stop it! Don’t touch me.” I said, trying to sound firm but it came out sounding as though I was begging him. “Please. I’m not good in bed!”
My attacker laughed as he pressed me up against the wall. “You’re funny. I really like funny guys.” His fingers fumble with the ribbon holding my mask up. “I wonder if you’re as pretty as your voice implies.”
I don’t want to give up but even I know struggling is pointless. I’m sorry everyone, this is the end of DBSK as we know it. This is where it all ends. This is-
“Get off him!” I hear Junho’s voice. Seconds later, my captor is thrown to one side and Junho grabs my hand. “Let’s go now. Enough is enough.”
No arguments there. I couldn’t get out of the club fast enough and I didn’t feel safe, even when we were in the car. Only when Junho pulled up outside a McDonalds did I relax, my shoulders sagging in relief. Junho felt the same, evidently. His face was still chalky white, panic written all over. I felt sorry for having put him through so much trouble. This wasn’t even his problem in the first place.
“You could have been raped!” He yelled at me, when a little colour had finally returned to his face. “What were you thinking, letting him drag you off like that into a corner?! You weren’t even supposed to talk to anyone, tonight was supposed to be about observing!”
“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to, I just. I just couldn’t stop myself when that guy started flirting with me.” I didn’t dare to meet his eyes. “Hyung, I’m really sorry.”
“That guy was not flirting with you, he was molesting you!” He sighed and slammed his hands on the steering wheel. Hard. “God dammit, Su, I was worried when I lost sight of you. You have no idea what these guys can get up to and you’re so new to this whole thing they might hurt you.”
I tried to take his hand but he was too upset. He pushed it away. “Su, if you’re planning to find a boyfriend, please don’t go to a club. I’m sure there are other ways. Just. Don’t.”
I wanted to point out to him that he went to clubs, and he hooked up there. But I also knew that he was just looking out for me. And if I were in his place, I would do the same thing. I leant back in my seat and closed my eyes. It was so much trouble, not just to me but to him. I began to feel guilty all over again.
“I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship just yet.” I said, after a while. “And I don’t think I’ll be going clubbing any time sooner either.”
“I’m not telling you to stop clubbing, because I have no idea how else you will meet people.” He exhaled noisily. “I want you to be careful. And to go to a club with no hopes. At any rate, you will be with people like you. You can flirt and I don’t want to talk about sex with you, but just. Do it when you’re ready.”
I nod. He looks relieved and he turns off the car engine. “Let’s go grab something to eat.”
“Hyung.” I say as he gets out of the car. I pull off my mask. “Do you wish I was straight? You wouldn’t have to worry so much then. And I could be your wing man.”
Junho closes his eyes and he leans against the car. “Of course I wish you were straight. But only because I know, as difficult as it is for me to accept it, it will be harder for you. You’re going to have to go through so much shit. But I can’t imagine having to deny something as big as that your whole life.”
I swallow. “Then. Are you disgusted by me?”
He opened his eyes and met mine with the reassuring smile I had come to love. “No. And I wouldn’t have you in any other way.”
A/N: As promised! Don't think I'll get any internet for a while so this is the best I could do. I'm so grateful for all of you guys who has been reading this and commenting ^^ You guys make me want to continue writing. I'll see you all soon-ish =D
i'm not ready to leave home =(