untitled (chapter 3)
Chapter 3
In the third stage, Identity Tolerance: the person comes to the understanding they are "not the only one". The person acknowledges they are likely gay or lesbian and seeks out other gay and lesbian people to combat feelings of isolation. Increased commitment to being lesbian or gay. The task is to decrease social alienation by seeking out lesbians and gays.
My eyes are beginning to hurt after several hours of research. Not just from staring at my laptop but at what I had been reading. To be more precise, my eyes were bleeding. Not literally though I wish it were.
“Do they really have to be so graphical?” I muttered as I made way to the kitchen. “Do they think it’ll make me want to sleep with someone?”
Of course that wasn’t the point of any of the articles I’d Google-ed on homosexuality. I wanted to know what it was and more importantly, if there was any way I could do something about myself. But most of the forums I’d joined seemed to be filled with horny and desperate men. Not the sort of thing I needed at this moment, and hopefully not ever.
I poured some milk into my cup and placed it in the microwave. Changmin. I suppressed a laugh, remembering the hot milk comment.
Someone touched my arm and I yelped. Speak of the devil. “What the heck, Changmin!”
“I see you’re taking my advice.” He opened the fridge and peered inside. “And I see Jae-hyung didn’t take mine. Look at this!”
“What?” I looked inside the fridge. It was empty, save a few containers filled with the kimchi that Changmin’s mum had sent over. “Eating after eight will make you fat.”
I should never make comments like that. Changmin glared at me and gave an injured sniff. “You would know, huh?”
Somehow they don’t have the same effect as when he first started doing it. I think I got used to it.”The same way you know you’re ugly?”
He punched me playfully - or not, you can never be too sure with Changmin - just as the microwave beeped. “I guess I’ll get Yoochun-hyung to drive me out to get a burger.”
As though he’d been summoned, Yoochun came sauntering into the kitchen. “Did I hear someone say my name?”
Changmin scowled and shook his head as Yoochun made for the fridge. “There’s no food hyung. Let’s go get a burger now before I start eating the kimchi without anything else.”
“Ew.” I managed, gagging at the thought of kimchi being wasted. “You guys better go now.”
“Don’t you want to come, Su?” Yoochun asked as Changmin turned to get the coats. “You can ignore Min’s comment about being fat. You’re anything but.”
“Uh.” He heard that? Changmin is one loud asshole. “I’m not really hungry and I have my milk.” I lift my mug up to strengthen the point.
Sometimes I think about what goes on in Yoochun’s head. At times he can be candid and mean, at times sensitive and nice. At times, a million miles away and then too close for comfort.
Suddenly a line from one of the articles I read came to me. It is not a myth; if you are gay, you can tell if another person is gay or not. Consider it your own, built in radar - a gaydar. I wondered if Yoochun was gay, even though he had dated girls before. Lots of girls.
Huh, I just realized. I don’t really know everyone’s sexual preferences, save Jaejoong. Even though we’d been living together for so long. It startled me to know there were things I did not know about them, and I felt a stab of insecurity. How come we’ve never talked about this before?
A hand was moving up and down in front of me. “Earth to Junsu, please respond.”
I catch Yoochun’s hand and glare at Changmin who had been snickering. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”
He gives me a weird look. “You’ve been spacing out so often lately I wasn’t even surprised when your eyes stopped focusing on me. Come on, let’s get you something to eat, maybe it’ll help you.”
“Thank you very much-“ I snapped, annoyed but Changmin butt in with a “For goodness sake hyung, I already have your coats. Let’s just go before I start eating the door!”
“Come on.” He tugs me forwards and I realize I forgot to let go of it when I caught it earlier. I turn red promptly, but not before I realize how nice it felt, holding someone else’s hand.
In fact I had held his hand before, and everyone else’s , countless times. During concerts, variety shows and the like. But those times were different. It was purely for work and nothing else. With his hand comfortably wrapped around mine, I felt my heart rate quickening. A sense of security.
“I can walk myself.” I say, withdrawing my hand, suddenly feeling embarrassed. I take my coat from Changmin who already had his on. Yoochun shrugs his coat on and grabs my hand again.
I almost couldn’t stand it. I almost let go.
But I didn’t.
“If I don’t hold onto you, you’d probably leave us.” He said, leading me to the car.
“Changmin-ah.” I said, staring at the ceiling.
He didn’t answer, probably pretending to be asleep. I sighed. “I paid for your food!”
Now he sighed and he turned towards my bed in the dark. “You had to, you lost the game!”
“Still. I paid for your food.” I turned to face his bed. “What’s your type like?”
“You’re keeping me up for this?” He sighed. “Han Ga-In.”
That troll. “Don’t be an ass. We’re not being interviewed now.”
He was probably wondering what was wrong with me. I was wondering too. “Hyung, are you just hitting puberty or something? Is that why you’re staying up at night? Pining over a girl?”
I chucked a soft toy at him. “Serious. I don’t actually know anything super personal about you guys. Don’t you find that just a little bit odd and, well, sad?”
I could hear him breathing deeply. He turned to face the ceiling and for a moment he didn’t say anything. And then. “I like them sporty. Well-mannered. They don’t actually have to be good-looking, I don’t mind being the better looking one.”
“That’s going to be hard to find.” I dove underneath my blanket. “Someone uglier than you.”
“I knew you were going to say that.” He said, throwing one of his pillows at me. “O you of little imagination. Pabo.”
“I learn from you, master.” I retort and I duck back underneath the blanket as he sends another soft toy flying. “You don’t mind a girl who doesn’t know how to cook?”
I said the word ‘girl’ on purpose. To see what he would say.
He answered almost immediately. “Oh that’s important! She better be really good in the kitchen. If she can be as good as Jaejoong, I’ll probably stop being a singer after she pops out a kid or two.”
Definitely straight. I knew, even before I embarked on this little experiment. I resurfaced, feeling tired suddenly. “No one wants your kids.”
He laughed. “You talking about yourself?” And then he stopped laughing. “What about you? You like the innocent and cute types don’t you?”
I tried to conjure up an image of the perfect person for me but I couldn’t come up with anything. Hazy images. A man or a woman, I couldn’t imagine either.
“I don’t really know.” I turned to the other side, afraid Changmin could see my troubled expression in the dark. “I guess I’ll just go with the flow and roll with the punches.”
I just recently found out that I am gay.
Congrats. Still in denial?
I blinked a few times. When I messaged the guy who had caught my attention in the forum I didn’t expect him to reply me, let alone understand what I was going through.
Did you go through the same thing?
We all do. Come on, do you think any of us wake up going, I want to fuck a guy =DDDD
How long till I become comfortable with it?
Maybe the question should have been how long until I stop feeling as though I am some freak of nature?
It really depends on you. It’s not the easiest thing to digest. Especially finding it out at this age, it’s going to be tough on you.
Tell something I don’t know. I stare at the screen for a few seconds, wondering what to say. I had so many questions prepared but now I didn’t feel like asking any of them. I didn’t want to sound like a child. I didn’t want to sound as though I had a problem with myself.
Are you still there?
Yeah sorry. I was just thinking about what you said.
Have you told anyone at all yet? About you being gay.
No.
I almost added, my job doesn’t allow it. My religion doesn’t allow it. Hell it’s as though I was left with no other choice but to be straight. And believe me, if I could be, I would.
Are you planning to stay closeted then?
My job doesn’t allow for me to be gay.
Don’t think your friends would out you.
They’re all men. I paused before I typed the next line. Very good-looking men.
I’m sorry you had to be born into the entertainment industry of South Korea.
Was I that obvious? Should I stop talking to him before I reveal too much? Is this going to affect TVXQ? I should stop. I have to stop. I have to go.
You know, you don’t have to panic. Everyone already thinks all the idols are gay. No difference. Just go on acting the same way you have.
You don’t want to know who I am?
Nope.
It surprised me but I didn’t dare to push it any further.
I appreciate that.
Anytime. But I suggest telling someone you trust about it. You’re going to go crazy. And trust me, even though you think you can keep your urges at bay, it’s going to take over you one day. You’ll want to be loved, to be touched. You will need to know how to deal with all of this.
Not now, surely.
Hey man, it’s up to you.
I stared at my laptop screen a long time after then, even after he signed off, leaving me alone to my thoughts. The house was silent, everyone had gone to sleep immediately after we got back. But I couldn’t sleep. I had to think things through.
Telling someone was risky. I had no girl I was close enough with to unload onto. And telling anyone in this house was like poking a bee’s nest - creating trouble. And Junho. I didn’t know how he’d take it. Neither of us had ever thought we’d be anything less than straight. Or at least, I thought that way. Junho had had a string of girlfriends.
I frowned. I never did bring a girl home. Was it obvious to my twin brother?
It was almost two in the morning. I retrieved my phone from my bag and punched in the familiar numbers. Almost immediately, he answered the phone. “Yes?”
“Hyung.” Suddenly I felt exhausted. I’ve been carrying this horrible secret with me for so long and the sound of his familiar voice made me realize just how tired I was. “Hyung.”
“Su, what’s wrong?” He said, sounding alarmed.
I could feel my throat constricting with the urge to hold back my tears. Tears? I could no longer hold it in, and it was coming out fast, without a second thought. “Hyung, I can’t stand it.”
“Can’t stand what? I’m coming to get you now.”
“No, don’t.” I said even though I wanted him to. “Hyung, promise me you won’t hate me or stay away.”
“Why would I hate you? Su, I’m coming now. Don’t cry, I’ll be there soon.”
“Hyung, I’m gay.” I said, my voice all choky and weird. “I like boys.”
There was a sharp intake of breath and then the line went dead.
A/N: I think everyone must be relieved that he finally said it ^^ Might be posting a lot of updates, I don't know how the scheduled posts go. Leaving to uni soon and I haven't gotten much packing done... yet XD