Bye Bye Bet Me (for now)
I just deleted Bet Me. It is with much trepidation that I announce this fact.
It took me months to work up the courage to post chapter 17 because I wasn't sure of the content and I wasn't sure how I was going to finish the story when I didn't have any drive or inspiration left to complete the project. A week or two prior to posting chapter 17, I very seriously considered pulling the story down and it surprised me how much relief and happiness I felt when I thought about it. Despite all this, I went ahead and posted it anyway because of an anonymous reader who insisted my readers deserved an ending.
At the time I agreed with her, so I did my best with the chapter and posted it regardless of how I felt about it. I also published a note explaining my long absence away from the story. Most comments were extremely encouraging, but there were a few comments and PMs from people who were concerned I was going to “rush” the ending in the same way I “rushed” the KMBMH ending. At first I was annoyed. If you have no faith in the author, don’t read what they write. It’s that simple. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided they were right to be concerned.
The style of romance I write relies on my ability to feel emotional about my characters (Damon and Elena are, of course, not my characters, but you know what I’m saying). And I stopped feeling emotional about Damon and Elena a while ago. I don’t get the same feels when I think about them or see them together on the screen anymore. I used to live them, breathe them, and even dream about them!
Finally, after many conversations with my inner circle, I decided to put the story on hold permanently. A couple of reviewers were quite accepting of this while another said they wouldn't read anything else I had to write since I couldn't finish the story. They talked about how disappointing it is to invest in characters and a story and not know how it ends. I hated the fact I'd upset and disappointed this reader. The fandom has always given me so much support and the thought of letting them down was just...too much to handle. Thus I removed the “permanently on hold” and told my twitter friends I’d complete Bet Me in November for NaNoWriMo.
To begin preparing for this challenge I pulled the story out, I re-read it, I watched TVD and DE clips and tried to get ready to finish it. Instead of feeling excited about the challenge, however, I just felt more and more anxious about what I was trying to accomplish. I started thinking about the people who were unhappy with the KMBMH ending and the people who thought I rushed the LCKM ending, amongst other things, and these comments began to eat away at me because I’m afraid their complaints are all valid. I’m afraid I can’t finish a story well anymore and maybe even a little afraid I can’t write anymore.
The amount of pressure I feel (both internally and externally) to finish Bet Me isn’t helping. While I’ve been contemplating removing Bet Me from my profile for a while now, the decision today was impulsive and came after a conversation with my husband in which he told me I could not expect to write while putting myself under so much pressure. Most of the pressure is self-imposed since many of my readers tell me all the time they are happy to wait for an update on this story, but I had to find a way to take the pressure off, and the only way that felt possible was to remove Bet Me for FF.
I do hope that in time I can finish it. I don’t intend to delete it from LJ. In fact, I might just finish it here, but I make no promises. If I decide to start writing it again, it has to be because I want to, not because I’m afraid of disappointing people. I have to learn how to write for myself again, instead of writing for everyone else. When I write to please others, I just worry about letting them down and the stress is too much. I need to get over that hurdle.
Winning at Love is my current story on Wattpad. It’s a project that’s close to my heart. I wrote the first 40,000 words in a burst in February this year, when everything was falling down around my ears and I needed something to hold on to. I’m going to keep working on it because it makes me feel good and I enjoy it. I need to know whether my recent inability to finish a story is because I haven’t been writing stories I love, or whether it’s become a problem I need to spend some time figuring out.
I know many of you will feel disappointed and let down by my decision to discontinue Bet Me, especially after I said I’d work on it this November. I just ask that you give me some time on this. Again, I hope I will feel like coming back to the story at some point. I’ve always felt incredibly supported by the DE community and I’ve always tried to be honest about my thoughts and feelings on things in return. I really hope some of you will continue to read my work on Wattpad as I love your comments and familiar faces, but I’ll understand if you decide not to.
I’m going to try and move forward from here. You guys know where I am if you need to contact me, though I do have to advise that I don’t receive alerts for any PMs or reviews on FF anymore. I have loved this fandom and loved being part of it.
Wishing every one of you much love and happiness always,
Michelle