I HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIES I'M ABOUT TO REVIEW
The wave of the future I tell you. I'm going to occasionally post reviews for movies I haven't even seen. It's more fun that way:
"YES MAN"
I felt dirty after watching the trailer. Like someone's grandma had fingerbanged my butthole and expected me to find it amusing. Yes...the trailer is THAT offensively unfunny. Actually - I would find grannyfinger buttbang far funnier than that trailer. And c'mon - I dare you to point out anything about the movie's gimmick that is different from Liar, Liar - aside from replacing "a guy who can't lie" with "a guy who can't say no". If it weren't for all the fun things to do and pretty people to ogle...I swear I'd start firebombing Hollywood tomorrow.
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"PAUL BLART: MALL COP"
This movie interests me slightly less than a pineapple quiche or a pimple on Kevin James' ass.
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"MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D"
Though I normally shun obviously crappy remakes of horror flicks that weren't very good in their original form anyway...IT'S IN 3-D! I saw Spy Kids 3-D, Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (Molly Ringwald action!) AND Chicken Little in theaters because I'm a sucker for 3-D. Same story here. THREE...DEE...PICKAXE!
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"GRAN TORINO"
Clint Eastwood as a surly, crusty, semi-homicidal bigot? Sign me up! I'd watch Eastwood change a catbox and pay for the privilege!
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"BRIDE WARS"
I want to see it because I'm starting to get an unsightly beergut. Since I am deathly afraid of exercise and can't afford lipo - the only option is to purge away my extra fat. But I also have an almost non-existent gag reflex...so shoving my fingers down my throat won't do the trick either. SOMETHING tells me I'll be vomiting away the pounds mere moments after forcing myself to watch this movie.
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"VALKYRIE"
I might watch it on DVD. Maybe. I was disappointed when I found out that the actors don't bother with German accents. Not for purposes of realism - but because it would have been a laugh riot to watch Tom Cruise attempt a German accent! Anyone remember Kevin Costner in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"? Abysmal. Though I did get to second base on a church retreat due to giving a girl the cassette single of that hideous Bryan Adams song...
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"MARLEY AND ME"
The dog dies, right? I don't care. At least it's grossing enough to keep Owen Wilson from trying to kill himself again. I think I'll go rent Old Yeller.
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"NOT EASILY BROKEN"
Since I am physically unable to watch saccharine, emotionally-manipulative pap without punching people in the neck...I will have to pass. And it has one of the most underwhelming and clunky titles of any movie in ten years. But hey - at least it's not directed by Tyler Perry. Putting your name in front of the title of every movie you make doesn't mean you're not a hack. But it might be PROOF that you're an asshole. (Apologies John Carpenter. I love ya' - but it's kinda' true)
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"SEVEN POUNDS"
Why am I not interested? Look at the poster. Though I actually like Will Smith...I'm not going to one of his movies if the best the studio marketing team can do is slap a HUGE picture of his robotic, glassy-eyed face on a poster. This tells me nothing aside from: "Oh hey - we can only market this film through our choice of leading man."
"YES MAN"
I felt dirty after watching the trailer. Like someone's grandma had fingerbanged my butthole and expected me to find it amusing. Yes...the trailer is THAT offensively unfunny. Actually - I would find grannyfinger buttbang far funnier than that trailer. And c'mon - I dare you to point out anything about the movie's gimmick that is different from Liar, Liar - aside from replacing "a guy who can't lie" with "a guy who can't say no". If it weren't for all the fun things to do and pretty people to ogle...I swear I'd start firebombing Hollywood tomorrow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"PAUL BLART: MALL COP"
This movie interests me slightly less than a pineapple quiche or a pimple on Kevin James' ass.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D"
Though I normally shun obviously crappy remakes of horror flicks that weren't very good in their original form anyway...IT'S IN 3-D! I saw Spy Kids 3-D, Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (Molly Ringwald action!) AND Chicken Little in theaters because I'm a sucker for 3-D. Same story here. THREE...DEE...PICKAXE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"GRAN TORINO"
Clint Eastwood as a surly, crusty, semi-homicidal bigot? Sign me up! I'd watch Eastwood change a catbox and pay for the privilege!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"BRIDE WARS"
I want to see it because I'm starting to get an unsightly beergut. Since I am deathly afraid of exercise and can't afford lipo - the only option is to purge away my extra fat. But I also have an almost non-existent gag reflex...so shoving my fingers down my throat won't do the trick either. SOMETHING tells me I'll be vomiting away the pounds mere moments after forcing myself to watch this movie.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"VALKYRIE"
I might watch it on DVD. Maybe. I was disappointed when I found out that the actors don't bother with German accents. Not for purposes of realism - but because it would have been a laugh riot to watch Tom Cruise attempt a German accent! Anyone remember Kevin Costner in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"? Abysmal. Though I did get to second base on a church retreat due to giving a girl the cassette single of that hideous Bryan Adams song...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"MARLEY AND ME"
The dog dies, right? I don't care. At least it's grossing enough to keep Owen Wilson from trying to kill himself again. I think I'll go rent Old Yeller.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"NOT EASILY BROKEN"
Since I am physically unable to watch saccharine, emotionally-manipulative pap without punching people in the neck...I will have to pass. And it has one of the most underwhelming and clunky titles of any movie in ten years. But hey - at least it's not directed by Tyler Perry. Putting your name in front of the title of every movie you make doesn't mean you're not a hack. But it might be PROOF that you're an asshole. (Apologies John Carpenter. I love ya' - but it's kinda' true)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"SEVEN POUNDS"
Why am I not interested? Look at the poster. Though I actually like Will Smith...I'm not going to one of his movies if the best the studio marketing team can do is slap a HUGE picture of his robotic, glassy-eyed face on a poster. This tells me nothing aside from: "Oh hey - we can only market this film through our choice of leading man."