changing the same
changing the same
yunho/changmin
nc-17
on break for christmas from university, another week-long family get-together. still yunho and changmin, just a full decade later, changing just the same.
6000 words. this was 100% what i dreamt last night. except the people involved, but yeah. happy christmas!fic in april! :D dies.
---
Yunho’s family has known Changmin’s family for a very, very long time. Yunho remembers Changmin from forever ago, a tall, tall, little boy who needed his hand held and frequent hugs more often than not. The annual week-long Christmas celebrations would find Changmin in Yunho’s room, stars in his eyes while gazing at the older boy, bouncing up and down on Yunho’s bed.
Of course, Changmin hasn’t been over for a Christmas celebration like that in years, and, well, Yunho’s been too busy with everything to go home during Christmas, anyway.
---
“Mother.”
“Don’t mother me, young man, you’re practically a stranger and I know you must be turning into skin and bone living on your own and studying so hard and I want you home for Christmas whether you want to come or not!”
Yunho takes a deep, silent breath, holding the phone to his ear and rolling his eyes to the heavens. He suddenly feels twelve again. “Mother-”
“Jung Yunho!”
“...Mother-”
“Don’t make me ground you.”
“Mom-”
“Yunho!”
“Fine!” Yunho nearly shouts, resisting the urge to headdesk into the kitchen table with force, groaning audibly. “Why is it so important that I come back this year, anyway? It’s never mattered that much before!”
“I talked to Changmin’s mother,” his mother replies joyously, “and she tells me that Changmin’s finally agreed to come over! Wouldn’t that be nice? You kids can play again after all these years.”
Graduating from university this year, Yunho thinks. Finished the LSATs already, Yunho thinks. Headed to law school, Yunho thinks. “Yeah...” he says instead, “that sounds great, mom.”
“You kids will have a blast. Maybe you guys can talk about both of your inabilities to hold down steady girlfriends.”
“Mother!”
“Yunho!”
A defeated and strangled sigh is all that escapes Yunho’s mouth. “Yes, mom.”
“That’s my boy.”
---
The normal trip from Seoul back home to Gwanju should really only take three hours, but in the sleety, sludgey conditions that is the hell known as winter, it takes nearly five. By the time he reaches home, Yunho’s ready to smash his foot into the face of the next person that makes a noise even vaguely resembling a car honking.
He barely gets enough time to change into the hideous green and red Christmas sweater that his mom forces on him before the doorbell rings. There’s a commotion downstairs of what sounds like his mom and Changmin’s mom squealing together and shuffling around and other pleasantries.
By the time he gets downstairs, Changmin is the only one still standing out in the hall, looking at baby pictures on the walls with calm disinterest.
Yunho on the other hand, is safely blown away, a bit head over heels, gaping with extreme interest at the tall, lithe, limber-looking man standing in front of him.
Changmin’s attention suddenly shifts onto him. There’s a moment of awkward silence. “Hyung,” he says.
Yunho prays for a benevolent god to strike him dead or at least burn the godawful sweater on his body to ashes. There’s an even longer moment of awkward silence. “Changmin,” he replies.
“...Hyung,” Changmin repeats, eyes falling to Yunho’s sweater.
Uggggh his voice is gorgeous, Yunho thinks, closing his eyes a bit to hopefully be slightly less blown away. “Changmin,” he squeaks.
“...Hyung,” Changmin says again and opens his arms awkwardly.
They hug. Awkwardly.
“It’s nice to see you,” Yunho says awkwardly when he pulls away.
“Yeah...you too,” Changmin replies, and continues to discreetly try and stare at Yunho’s hideous sweater.
Awkwardly.
---
Dinner is a loud, insane affair. Yunho’s sister suddenly develops weak ankles every time Changmin walks by her and both of Changmin’s sisters suddenly latch onto Yunho’s arms at the worst of times to pay them company, like on his way to the bathroom, or on his way upstairs to change into something more socially redeeming, or over to where Changmin’s sitting to make awkward small-talk in a half-assed attempt to recapture some of the closeness they had when they were children.
He gets to do that, alright, when his mom tells him Changmin’s going to be sleeping in his room the way it was done when he was twelve.
Yunho sighs and wiggles a bit on the floor, wondering if this can really be good for his back. “You comfy?” he asks to the bed where he can’t even see Changmin.
“Yeah,” Changmin replies.
They both stare at the ceiling for a little while. “So how’ve you been?” Yunho finally asks.
“Alright. Halfway through third-year and wondering if I really want to specialize in medicine.”
“As opposed to?” Yunho ventures, turning on his side and wincing as the floorboard grates against his hipbone. School’s always a safe, mutual topic of conversation.
“Something stupid,” Changmin finishes specifically.
“Well...do what makes you happy, I guess.”
“I guess.”
“I’m headed for law school,” Yunho says, trying not to sigh at how difficult the conversation is. He’s always known that Changmin’s rather shy and quiet but it’s never been like this around him. They used to be something like best friends when they were younger.
But then again, a decade of no communication would do this.
“Does studying law make you happy?” Changmin asks.
“I guess?” Yunho replies.
“Oh.”
And like that, Yunho turns on his stomach, ignoring the way his bones are awkwardly pressed into the floor, and tries to get some sleep. He’s going to need it if he needs to survive six more days of this.
---
The next morning, the two families split into smaller groups to enjoy the holiday season. Yunho, naturally, ends up hanging around with Changmin, the only other sane person his own age, as uncomfortable as it is between them. Changmin’s distant and cool in a way that Yunho’s not used to. He still half expects Changmin to plop down next to him on the couch and hold his hand while eating a popsicle in the middle of winter. It may have been a decade, but his body hasn’t forgotten Changmin’s presence. Neither, apparently, has his heart, what with the clenching every time Changmin looks up in forced, uninterested interest.
By the afternoon, Yunho’s at a complete loss as to how to get Changmin to talk more. He wants to be friends again, like, really close friends, hugging and laughing and being able to sit in silence without it feeling like ten thousand toothpicks stabbing into his face.
“Let’s go grocery shopping!” Yunho yells in the living room, fighting to keep his smile steady when Changmin turns calm, blank eyes to him. “You know...buy things...and such...”
“Sure,” Changmin replies, getting up and going to get his jacket.
Yunho thinks he should’ve gone to build snowmen with his sisters.
---
At the grocery store, things go better than planned. While trying to lurk at Changmin from behind cans of tuna, he walks into a cereal display and knocks breakfast cereal everywhere. There’s an insanely long cleanup in aisle three while Changmin’s doubled over nearly crying with laughter in aisle four.
Yunho figures he doesn’t need pride when his heart swells at the sight of Changmin laughing so openly, eyes crinkling in the way they do, mismatched and adorable and so Changmin that it hurts a little.
After his episode, everything just gets that much easier. Changmin actually smiles in a way that Yunho can mostly believe and they go wander the streets of Gwanju. Changmin is a city boy through and through and Yunho shows him the sights of not being in the city all over again, now that they’re older and maybe wiser.
He takes Changmin out for dinner at a cute little ramen place and discovers that Changmin eats just as ravenously as before.
It’s too much fun re-meeting someone close to his heart.
---
Their third day passes much more comfortably. Despite it being cold, the outside is beautiful without the distractions of the city, and they go to spend the day out.
It’s already past midnight when they decide to start heading home. Yunho’s walking right beside Changmin, their arms touching, and he sees with mild amazement that Changmin’s something like an inch taller than him now. The younger man’s certainly grown into his looks, large, soft eyes and impossibly long eyelashes that naturally curl like moon slivers, smooth complexion, high cheekbones, lush black hair that curled a little around his neck.
A fucking model if he’s ever seen one.
“People don’t usually stare quite so blatantly,” Changmin says, eyes sliding over to gauge Yunho’s reaction with amusement.
Yunho flushes as expected and clears his throat, whipping his eyes back in front of him. He doesn’t pull away, though; if anything, he presses even harder into Changmin’s side, surprised and pleased when Changmin doesn’t shift away. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” he replies lightly, using that as an excuse to wind an arm around Changmin’s waist, leaning in closer. “Haven’t talked to you in forever.”
“You know,” Changmin says softly, steps slowing, “if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you liked me.” His fingertips brush the hand on his waist just slightly.
“Well, I’ve never lied to you before, and I’m not going to start now,” Yunho says, shrugging, feeling his cheeks heat, eyes still trained on the ground. “I do like you.”
“Are you sure?” Changmin asks, stopping completely, fully turning to Yunho.
“About my feelings?” Yunho feels another wave of disbelief when he actually has to tilt his head up to look in Changmin eyes. No, not at all, his brain says. “Of course I am,” his mouth utters instead.
Changmin just leans in to eliminate what little space there is left between them, and kisses him.
---
The next few days are nerve-wracking. Yunho’s never been more nervous, and coupled with the fact that he’s eventually going to have to tell his mom exactly why he can’t hold down a steady girlfriend, he’s ready to have small anxiety attacks every hour.
But it’s nice. Having Changmin watch him with a smile while he drops cutlery when trying to set the table leaves a nice, warm tingle in his chest. Having Changmin stand unnecessarily close to him while they’re both brushing their teeth makes him want to doodle their names together in a heart in his notebook. Having Changmin around at all makes him feel like a teenager going through puberty again, and he’s not sure if that’s normal.
How the tables have turned. Changmin used to adore him when they were younger, but now? Yunho’s almost a little worried about how cool Changmin is when it comes to everything and utterly disaffected he is by most things.
On their second last night together, Changmin pulls him into bed, telling him not to kill himself on the floor anymore. It’s the first time Yunho’s actually ever felt giddy about holding someone in their sleep. Changmin gives him a goodnight kiss and Yunho wonders for the millionth time if this is all some terribly wonderful joke that a sick individual is pulling on him.
He wakes with Changmin wrapped around him, pressed together with not a scrap of air between their bodies. It seems that Changmin’s need for warmth hasn’t changed either. He’s never felt more magnetized to another person before.
---
The last night before Changmin has to leave, Yunho doesn’t see him anywhere. In fact, he hasn’t seen Changmin at all since lunch. Shrugging in disappointment, Yunho grabs his jacket and heads out, hoping to clear his mind a little. It’s easy to snowball feelings in close quarters and getting fresh air might help him straighten things out. Like, for example, how exactly to approach Changmin and ask if this meant they were going out.
He’s not really paying attention to where he’s going and by the time he looks up, he’s back at the street corner where Changmin first kissed him. A giddy smile reaches his lips and Yunho flushes all over again at the memory.
Caught up in his thoughts, he doesn’t notice Changmin rounding the corner with a girl attached to his arm until they’re within earshot.
“Are you sure?” Changmin asks. Yunho watches the girl-a noona from a couple of streets down, clearly inebriated and about to fall-giggle and clutch harder to Changmin.
“Silly Minnie,” she slurs, “of course I’m sure. Come give noona a kiss.”
So Changmin leans down and kisses her, the exact same way he kissed Yunho, Yunho watching the two of them from maybe fifty feet away, feeling an odd numbness creep into his chest.
When it’s over, Changmin looks up with the same sort of calm, cool disinterest on his face. That is, until he looks over and sees Yunho standing there with a startle, eyes going wide in surprise. Yunho thinks that that’s probably the most honest emotion Changmin’s shown him in the last week.
He goes home and goes to sit alone in the basement.
---
The next day, everyone’s smiling and laughing, sad about having to leave, happy that they got to have a reunion for the first time in ten years. Yunho is just as polite and nice as ever to Changmin, no hard feelings, smile painted on his face in perfection.
Changmin seems uncomfortable and Yunho’s inclined to worry, but he can’t find it in himself to do anything about it.
It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t upset. And as petulant and teenage angst as that seems, he can’t bring himself to care. Maybe it was risky and stupid, but he honestly did like Changmin, and no matter what, Changmin had kissed him first.
After a few more minutes of pleasantries, Changmin’s family leaves.
Changmin looks back on his way to the car. Of course he does.
But Yunho’s already got his back turned and is walking away.
---
It’s hardest through January and February to deal with the guilt. Yoochun keeps bugging him about it and Changmin keeps having to swat him away, mumbling about labs and write-ups and all that, ignoring the way Yoochun keeps asking him about Lawyer Yunho-sshi.
Changmin’s got something of a reputation for being a player. It’s probably because he’s such good friends with Yoochun, but even he has to admit that he doesn’t do much for himself to put the rumors to rest. It’s not that he fools around; he just doesn’t know how to show people his emotions properly, doesn’t know how to react to certain things. When girls come up to him and confess, he just goes along after asking them if they’re sure, and when they inevitably say yes, he goes with them. Things happen, they fool around, and that’s something he can’t control. He likes the girls well enough, but they always get tired of him. He can understand that, too. So when they want to break up, he goes along with that as well.
Yoochun always tells him that it’s his own fault for being so goddamned attractive. But what is he really supposed to do about it? He’s not good with expressing himself and nobody really seems to want to listen and wait for him to try.
As the year passes, he thinks about Yunho less and less.
But at night, he can’t help but remember how nice and sweet and impossibly gentle Yunho was. Less and less, less and less, but always there.
---
The seasons pass, Yunho graduates, Changmin enters his last year of university. When November winds into December again, the thoughts resurface. Yunho wonders if Changmin will show up at his house this year at all.
Changmin wonders if Yunho would hate him if he goes.
In the end, their mothers make their decisions for them.
When they see each other again, one full year later, the feelings seem to explode in Changmin’s face. Yunho smiles at him, that same smile as the one when departing last year, and Changmin feels something in his chest drop into his stomach and his stomach drop to his toes.
It’s not rational at all. They only saw each other for one week-as in seven measly days-the previous year after a decade of no communication at all except for the occasional mention from their parents. They both go to school in Seoul but they’re nowhere near each other and they don’t even have each other’s cell numbers. It makes no sense for him to still feel so bad about what happened.
It doesn’t comfort him to feel so much more at ease and so much more disturbed every time Yunho is near.
“Hyung,” he says, feeling his stomach flip, something that only happens when he’s too nervous.
“Hey, Changmin,” Yunho replies, smiling so nicely that Changmin holds back a cringe.
He smoothes his mask of indifference and allows a small smile to show, hoping Yunho doesn’t hate him. “No Christmas sweater this year?” he asks.
“Got out of that.”
“Good...um...how are you?”
“Alright,” Yunho replies, and brushes past him out the door, going to help Changmin’s dad with unloading junk from the trunk of their car.
Changmin stands still, hands curled into loose fists as his side, feeling despair gnawing at the edges of his composure.
---
It’s late at night when they finally have time to talk to each other. Changmin’s had his mom command him around for the entire day. At one point, he had been outside for two hours, standing completely still while his sisters made a snowman that was supposed to look like him. He’s pretty sure he has frostbite and his sisters made a snowman with a carrot nose and button eyes like every other snowman. How is it like Changmin? They stuck a gnarly branch in where the snowman’s ass would be and Changmin watched on in the most unimpressed face he could manage while his parents nearly rolled around on the ground with laughter.
Lying in bed, under Yunho’s covers, Changmin tries and fails again and again to come up with a conversation starter. He can smell his hyung all around him and he thinks back to the way Yunho had been holding him tight last year, the two of them waking up in bed together.
Foregoing the idea of sleep, Changmin silently sits up and slides onto the floor, sitting back on his heels and rests his chin on his knees, looking at Yunho’s turned back.
“Hyung?” he whispers. For a second he feels something like disappointment and relief when Yunho doesn’t immediately respond, and then Yunho slowly turns over, looking at him with a blank expression.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can I talk to you?”
Yunho pauses and Changmin almost chickens out. Then the older man moves to sit up, moving around until they're sitting side by side, arms touching, backs to the side of the bed. “What’s going on?”
“...About last time,” Changmin starts.
“Don’t worry about it.”
It’s too easy of a dismissal. Changmin doesn’t want it. Instead, he turns and grabs Yunho, fingers in the older man’s hair, thumbs at his temples, and brings him in for a hard, desperate kiss.
Yunho wants to respond so badly but manages to refrain with extreme difficulty. Changmin eventually pulls away and wraps his arms around himself again, like he’s too cold, and stares down at the floor. He’s fidgeting slightly, clearly at a loss as to what to say.
“Go to sleep,” Yunho whispers, breaks the silence finally.
Changmin feels his heart squeeze painfully and he gets up and walks out instead, locking himself in the bathroom with shaking fingers. Sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, he curls into himself, head in his hands.
I fucked up, he thinks over and over again, I fucked up fucked up fucked up.
---
It’s his own fault, he knows, but when Yunho ignores him unless there’s an explicit need to interact, Changmin still can’t help but feel a spasm of bitterness and anger. Whenever they do interact, Yunho is so insufferably nice and impossible to dislike that Changmin’s left with nothing, floating in nowhere at all, not knowing what to do with himself.
Yunho was the best, most amazing hyung he ever had. Childhood opinions tend to be overblown and exaggerated but Changmin’s never let go of that one. When they had met again, Yunho was just...the same, his same hyung, and it was as easy as ever to fall back into that kind of comfort despite how horribly awkward time and distance made things. At the core of it, Yunho’s still the hyung he needs to hold his hand if he skins his knee on the front steps. They may be older but Changmin didn’t know how to make that jump over ten years, still doesn’t know how to adjust his feelings appropriately to right now, can’t find the right things to say.
Before he knows it, it’s nighttime again, and it’s even more awkward now than before.
“Yunho-hyung,” he calls, crouching on the floor by the bedside again, “I need to talk to you.”
Yunho sits up with a sigh. “Changmin-ah, listen-”
Changmin shakes his head. “Last time-”
“We barely know each other, Changmin.” Yunho looks down at his hands in his lap before up at Changmin, holding himself steady when Changmin’s eyes make him want to do nothing except collect the younger man in a hug. “You don’t need to feel like you have to-”
“I wanted to be a singer when I was younger,” Changmin blurts out, then looks down at his knees. “But I thought that a stable job would be more important so I’m in medicine. I’m a hypochondriac, especially when it comes to people washing their hands or touching me, especially my hair, or sitting on my bed in their street clothes. I failed a test once in grade seven and cried about it for an hour behind the school dumpster and that was the only test I ever failed in my life. My sisters think you’re a god.”
Yunho looks on in surprised silence.
Changmin tilts his head up to look at Yunho shyly, unsure, nervous. “...I might be inclined to agree with them.”
The older man continues to stare, not knowing what to say. Changmin takes the silence as a bad sign, fingers starting to clench in his pajama pants.
“I...” Changmin says, voice strained, desperation starting to show, “I’m afraid to make attachments because I know what I’m like, and it’s...hard to believe anyone would like me beyond the initial appeal.” His voice gets smaller by the second, the words finally honest and hurt. “I kissed you last year. I messed it up. I...if...the only thing I can ask for is for you to not hate me, then I guess I’ll take it.”
“I don’t hate you,” Yunho whispers. “I wouldn’t hate you, Changmin-ah.”
“Is it because you’re supposed to be my wise hyung?”
When he doesn’t get an answer, Changmin looks up in anxiety. The second he does, Yunho leans over, hand going to cup Changmin’s cheek, and brings their lips together for a kiss that is gentle and soothing in a way only Yunho could achieve.
When they break apart, Changmin’s eyes are still closed, his lips still parted, and Yunho wonders how one person can be so stunningly beautiful.
“The last thing I wanted was to mess up,” Changmin whispers, finally opening his eyes after a long while.
“Changmin-”
“Because it’s you,” Changmin insists, giving into the need to touch and feel, pulling at Yunho’s hands until he’s enveloped in a warm hug. “It has to be you.”
---
This year is a strange repeat of last year. They go grocery shopping and instead of cereal, this time, Yunho knocks over a pyramid of baby food, and that stuff involved glass.
It’s so easy and natural that Yunho’s not sure what to do with himself now that he can just be relaxed and happy. They watch TV together on the couch after everyone else has gone to bed, Changmin feeding Yunho the occasional M&M from a family size pack. They wrap around each other in bed, a pair of matching magnets, waking in the mornings still fitted right together.
“Are you in law school now?” Changmin asks, murmuring into Yunho’s collarbone.
“Took a year off,” Yunho mumbles back, playing with Changmin’s hair. It’s gotten longer.
“How come?”
“Remember when you asked me if law really made me happy? I needed some time to think about it. Taking dance classes right now.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. My turn! Why did you kiss that noona last year when I was perfectly willing?”
Changmin feels himself stiffen and unconsciously curls his fingers tighter into Yunho’s shirt, as if that would prevent the older man from walking away. “I didn’t know how to handle the way I was- am feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“It always happens like that. Someone will like me at first and then get to know me and then...that’s it. And you’re...I didn’t know how you could be so different because it scared me when you made me smile, so I thought I had to test myself somewhere else and you weren’t supposed to see-”
“Okay, it’s okay,” Yunho soothes, murmuring comfortingly, holding Changmin close. “Changmin-ah, I like you perfectly just the way you are. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”
“Because you’re my hyung, right?” Changmin whispers, holding tight when Yunho laces their fingers together.
“No,” Yunho replies, tilting Changmin’s face up, leaning in closer for a kiss. “Because I’m your Yunho.” It’s like the simplest thing on the planet and Changmin’s never felt words hit him like this before, doesn’t know what to do except return the kiss with a few added ones of his own.
---
The week is pretty much as perfect as perfect gets and only ends too soon. At the door, Changmin’s extremely hesitant to leave now that he’s secretly left his heart in Yunho’s hands, fidgeting slightly, shifting from foot to foot.
Yunho thinks that he finally knows how to read Changmin’s intricacies, if only a little. They finally exchange phone numbers a year late. But, better late than never.
“Come...visit me sometime,” Changmin says awkwardly, ignoring the way his parents are nodding in approval. He also ignores his sisters teasing him about becoming a YunGod worshipper like they are. “I have a room at res to myself and the campus is nice enough...and if you’re not...busy...”
“Of course,” Yunho replies, smiling widely, beaming really, and goes to ruffle Changmin’s hair. He’d like nothing more than to kiss Changmin goodbye but he’ll settle for now.
---
Two weeks into January, Changmin’s still heard nothing. He’s starting to get a little frantic (should’ve told Yunho about his tendency to get paranoid, too) when there’s a sudden knock at his door, and wouldn’t you know it, Jung Yunho’s standing on the other side, arms full of a box of chocolate.
Changmin drags him in before Yunho’s even fully done saying hello and pushes him down into a bed too small for the both of them to fit onto properly. He shows the older man exactly how much he’s willing to give to this and in what ways he’s willing to give it.
In the morning, Yunho kisses Changmin awake, sticky and kind of gross and indescribably happy. Despite the dull ache in his backside, Changmin’s never been so comfortable.
As luck would have it, as soon as Changmin steps out into the hall with Yunho in tow, Yoochun steps out of his room next door and introductions happen, to Changmin’s utter horror.
Grabbing Yunho’s wrist possessively and pulling the older man slightly behind him, Changmin glares at the way Yoochun leers at Yunho, trying to command the older man back into his room by sheer force of will.
“You must be The Gorgeous One That Got Away,” Yoochun says, smoky and low, watching Yunho’s wide-eyed, pleased beam at Changmin’s unseeing, frantic waving to get Yoochun to shut up. “I think we should amend that one to The Gorgeous One That Got Away But Got Reeled Back In By Our Dongsaeng’s Charm and Tight, Tight Buns of Steel.”
Yunho flushes a radioactive shade of red and Changmin literally sinks to the ground, face hidden in his hands, rocking back and forth on his heels.
Yoochun just laughs like the horrible friend he is and pats Yunho on the shoulder. “He wouldn’t stop talking about you all last year,” he tells Yunho while Changmin’s distracted with mumbling death incantations onto Yoochun’s person. Yunho thinks that Yoochun is kind of amazing already. “I’m really happy for you guys. Don’t let him fool you into believing that he’s not in a disgusting pile of mush in love with you.”
Yunho’s left standing by himself, heart jackhammering in his chest at the simple words, turning to look at a still dying Changmin trying to make himself disintegrate. “Changmin,” he says, catching the younger man’s attention, “let’s go take a shower.”
During the day, Changmin takes Yunho around campus. There isn’t much going on on the weekend but it gives them the freedom to talk anywhere at all and loiter as much as they want.
That night, Yunho gives himself to Changmin as best as he knows how to, which is barely anything at all, going off of what his friends have told him and the wealth of knowledge known as the internet. He takes it slow, rocking gently above Changmin’s body, feeling Changmin’s fingernails about to cut into the skin of his hips.
“Fuck, fuck, shit, Yunho, fuck,” Changmin mutters, expletives leaving his mouth with every pant.
“Changmin!” Yunho laughs breathlessly, “language!”
“Fuck, Yunho! Shit, shitshitshit, Yunho, Yunho, fuck,” Changmin continues to say elegantly, whimpering in every sense of the word, watching Yunho ride him, eyes wide with disbelief and face blown with pleasure.
“Come on,” Yunho leans down to whisper in his ear, “touch me, Changmin.”
“Fffffffffffff-” Changmin starts, holding Yunho down and arched over him, pressing his nose to the older man’s temple and panting into his ear. He wraps a hand around Yunho’s cock and tries not to die while thinking about the feel of it in his hands.
Yunho moans and writhes on top of him so he strokes hard and fast, sinking his incisors into his lower lip when Yunho makes the sexiest mewling noise he’s ever heard in his entire sad existence without the older man, knowing he’s about to embarrass himself entirely way too early and much too quickly.
Jerking his hips unsteadily, Changmin has one last thought of how tight and deep and hot everything is, and then he’s coming with a loud, loud expletive and an even louder, drawn out cry of Yunho’s name, hand going double time around Yunho’s cock.
He meets the end of his orgasm to see Yunho’s face wash with pleasure and feel the simultaneous, impossible clench around his cock. Yunho moans his name deep and husky and Changmin knows that if he didn’t come already, he would fucking explode everywhere right now.
After it’s winded down a little, Changmin can’t stop himself from petting at Yunho’s hair and brushing fingers on his cheeks. He dips a finger through the mess splashed across his stomach and abdomen and brings it to his mouth for a taste. Huhn, so this is what Yunho tastes like, he thinks, pupils dilating wide and dark, unmindful of the way Yunho’s watching him.
“Changmin-ah, you okay?” Yunho asks.
Changmin almost startles before resuming his petting of Yunho’s hair with renewed vigour, trying to look calm. “Are you okay?” he asks, starting to feel worried.
“I’m more than okay.”
“Good!” Changmin replies. “Well...actually, I...have a question.”
“Yeah?”
“Has...everyone been...doing it wrong? Have I been doing this wrong to myself all this time?”
Yunho’s face is a mask of not understanding. “...What?”
“I...well...is...is it supposed to feel this good?” he asks, embarrassed and shy, confused and uncertain of himself all over again.
Yunho blinks before his face melts into a smile. “I don’t know,” he answers in the end, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on Changmin’s lips. “I’ve never felt this way with anyone but you.”
“I’m glad,” Changmin breathes, holding Yunho’s cheeks in his hands, looking up at the older man with his big eyes. “I only want it to be me.”
Yunho says something and Changmin is so blown away that he doesn’t even understand it because he can’t believe it. He forces Yunho to repeat it, I love you, Yunho says, so Changmin makes him repeat it again, trying to force it to sink in, and again, just to hear it.
And then Changmin knows for sure. He’s fucked, he’s so fucked, so absolutely fucked, and so, absolutely, utterly, hopelessly in love.
---
Yunho has to leave the next morning because he has work the next day. Changmin’s been ignoring the huge mass of homework and readings on his desk as well.
“Wouldn’t want you failing the second test ever in your life,” Yunho says, kissing a still mildly protesting Changmin. “I’ll come visit again soon.”
On the front steps of the school, Yunho doesn’t let Changmin walk him to his car.
“What if I carry you off to my abode and have my way with you for the next week?” he asks.
“You say it like it’s a bad thing,” Changmin replies, pouting to make his point.
Yunho almost crumbles. Almost. Instead, he leans in to give Changmin a soft kiss, arms around his waist, Changmin’s hands at Yunho’s shoulders, bodies pressed together the way only lovers can. “I’ll see you soon,” Yunho whispers with a smile.
“Yeah,” Changmin replies in a breath, dazed and dizzy. “Wait!” he calls when Yunho turns to go, grabbing the other man’s wrist.
Yunho turns back with a quizzical look.
“We’ve...we’re, you know...you’ll come back to see me again soon, right? I mean...” Changmin inwardly cringes, trailing off while his cheeks warm, knowing how juvenile and clingy he’s sounding.
Yunho’s heart instantly liquefies in his ribcage in a dirty mess and he comes back up the steps, taking the ring off of his pinkie finger. Without a word, he slips it onto Changmin’s pinkie, stealing a kiss while the younger man’s distracted by the silver band.
“I’d put it here,” he whispers, stroking Changmin’s ring finger, “but that ring doesn’t fit.” Changmin feels his entire body tremble with his heart. “But I’ll find one that does.”
That’s the last thing that Yunho says before walking away again with a nonchalant wave. He actually manages to get out of the parking lot and out onto the road without running anyone over. Three stoplights later, he finally allows himself to do a little jig in his seat, clapping happily to himself, giddy all over, ignoring the old lady driving the car in the lane next to him giving him strange looks.
Back at school, it’s a full ten minutes later before Yoochun finds Changmin on the front steps, a thin layer of snow on his hair and shoulders. “Oh wow,” he mutters, watching the younger man still staring at the space where Yunho’s car was parked in all his lovesick glory. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Changmin sighs, looking dreamy and twisting the ring on his pinkie.
“You sure?”
“Yeah...”
“’Cause it looks like you’re about to vomit love onto your shoes and then get down and roll around in it.”
Changmin kicks him and Yoochun almost skids down a flight of sludge covered stairs. Changmin doesn’t care. He’s still trying to figure out if Yunho would appreciate him more in red or black boxer briefs when he comes to visit next.
Well, not that it really matters. He’s planning on the both of them being naked for most of the time, anyway.
---
paramore adore mp3 | lyrics
free music downloads | videos | pictures
yunho/changmin
nc-17
on break for christmas from university, another week-long family get-together. still yunho and changmin, just a full decade later, changing just the same.
6000 words. this was 100% what i dreamt last night. except the people involved, but yeah. happy christmas!fic in april! :D dies.
---
Yunho’s family has known Changmin’s family for a very, very long time. Yunho remembers Changmin from forever ago, a tall, tall, little boy who needed his hand held and frequent hugs more often than not. The annual week-long Christmas celebrations would find Changmin in Yunho’s room, stars in his eyes while gazing at the older boy, bouncing up and down on Yunho’s bed.
Of course, Changmin hasn’t been over for a Christmas celebration like that in years, and, well, Yunho’s been too busy with everything to go home during Christmas, anyway.
---
“Mother.”
“Don’t mother me, young man, you’re practically a stranger and I know you must be turning into skin and bone living on your own and studying so hard and I want you home for Christmas whether you want to come or not!”
Yunho takes a deep, silent breath, holding the phone to his ear and rolling his eyes to the heavens. He suddenly feels twelve again. “Mother-”
“Jung Yunho!”
“...Mother-”
“Don’t make me ground you.”
“Mom-”
“Yunho!”
“Fine!” Yunho nearly shouts, resisting the urge to headdesk into the kitchen table with force, groaning audibly. “Why is it so important that I come back this year, anyway? It’s never mattered that much before!”
“I talked to Changmin’s mother,” his mother replies joyously, “and she tells me that Changmin’s finally agreed to come over! Wouldn’t that be nice? You kids can play again after all these years.”
Graduating from university this year, Yunho thinks. Finished the LSATs already, Yunho thinks. Headed to law school, Yunho thinks. “Yeah...” he says instead, “that sounds great, mom.”
“You kids will have a blast. Maybe you guys can talk about both of your inabilities to hold down steady girlfriends.”
“Mother!”
“Yunho!”
A defeated and strangled sigh is all that escapes Yunho’s mouth. “Yes, mom.”
“That’s my boy.”
---
The normal trip from Seoul back home to Gwanju should really only take three hours, but in the sleety, sludgey conditions that is the hell known as winter, it takes nearly five. By the time he reaches home, Yunho’s ready to smash his foot into the face of the next person that makes a noise even vaguely resembling a car honking.
He barely gets enough time to change into the hideous green and red Christmas sweater that his mom forces on him before the doorbell rings. There’s a commotion downstairs of what sounds like his mom and Changmin’s mom squealing together and shuffling around and other pleasantries.
By the time he gets downstairs, Changmin is the only one still standing out in the hall, looking at baby pictures on the walls with calm disinterest.
Yunho on the other hand, is safely blown away, a bit head over heels, gaping with extreme interest at the tall, lithe, limber-looking man standing in front of him.
Changmin’s attention suddenly shifts onto him. There’s a moment of awkward silence. “Hyung,” he says.
Yunho prays for a benevolent god to strike him dead or at least burn the godawful sweater on his body to ashes. There’s an even longer moment of awkward silence. “Changmin,” he replies.
“...Hyung,” Changmin repeats, eyes falling to Yunho’s sweater.
Uggggh his voice is gorgeous, Yunho thinks, closing his eyes a bit to hopefully be slightly less blown away. “Changmin,” he squeaks.
“...Hyung,” Changmin says again and opens his arms awkwardly.
They hug. Awkwardly.
“It’s nice to see you,” Yunho says awkwardly when he pulls away.
“Yeah...you too,” Changmin replies, and continues to discreetly try and stare at Yunho’s hideous sweater.
Awkwardly.
---
Dinner is a loud, insane affair. Yunho’s sister suddenly develops weak ankles every time Changmin walks by her and both of Changmin’s sisters suddenly latch onto Yunho’s arms at the worst of times to pay them company, like on his way to the bathroom, or on his way upstairs to change into something more socially redeeming, or over to where Changmin’s sitting to make awkward small-talk in a half-assed attempt to recapture some of the closeness they had when they were children.
He gets to do that, alright, when his mom tells him Changmin’s going to be sleeping in his room the way it was done when he was twelve.
Yunho sighs and wiggles a bit on the floor, wondering if this can really be good for his back. “You comfy?” he asks to the bed where he can’t even see Changmin.
“Yeah,” Changmin replies.
They both stare at the ceiling for a little while. “So how’ve you been?” Yunho finally asks.
“Alright. Halfway through third-year and wondering if I really want to specialize in medicine.”
“As opposed to?” Yunho ventures, turning on his side and wincing as the floorboard grates against his hipbone. School’s always a safe, mutual topic of conversation.
“Something stupid,” Changmin finishes specifically.
“Well...do what makes you happy, I guess.”
“I guess.”
“I’m headed for law school,” Yunho says, trying not to sigh at how difficult the conversation is. He’s always known that Changmin’s rather shy and quiet but it’s never been like this around him. They used to be something like best friends when they were younger.
But then again, a decade of no communication would do this.
“Does studying law make you happy?” Changmin asks.
“I guess?” Yunho replies.
“Oh.”
And like that, Yunho turns on his stomach, ignoring the way his bones are awkwardly pressed into the floor, and tries to get some sleep. He’s going to need it if he needs to survive six more days of this.
---
The next morning, the two families split into smaller groups to enjoy the holiday season. Yunho, naturally, ends up hanging around with Changmin, the only other sane person his own age, as uncomfortable as it is between them. Changmin’s distant and cool in a way that Yunho’s not used to. He still half expects Changmin to plop down next to him on the couch and hold his hand while eating a popsicle in the middle of winter. It may have been a decade, but his body hasn’t forgotten Changmin’s presence. Neither, apparently, has his heart, what with the clenching every time Changmin looks up in forced, uninterested interest.
By the afternoon, Yunho’s at a complete loss as to how to get Changmin to talk more. He wants to be friends again, like, really close friends, hugging and laughing and being able to sit in silence without it feeling like ten thousand toothpicks stabbing into his face.
“Let’s go grocery shopping!” Yunho yells in the living room, fighting to keep his smile steady when Changmin turns calm, blank eyes to him. “You know...buy things...and such...”
“Sure,” Changmin replies, getting up and going to get his jacket.
Yunho thinks he should’ve gone to build snowmen with his sisters.
---
At the grocery store, things go better than planned. While trying to lurk at Changmin from behind cans of tuna, he walks into a cereal display and knocks breakfast cereal everywhere. There’s an insanely long cleanup in aisle three while Changmin’s doubled over nearly crying with laughter in aisle four.
Yunho figures he doesn’t need pride when his heart swells at the sight of Changmin laughing so openly, eyes crinkling in the way they do, mismatched and adorable and so Changmin that it hurts a little.
After his episode, everything just gets that much easier. Changmin actually smiles in a way that Yunho can mostly believe and they go wander the streets of Gwanju. Changmin is a city boy through and through and Yunho shows him the sights of not being in the city all over again, now that they’re older and maybe wiser.
He takes Changmin out for dinner at a cute little ramen place and discovers that Changmin eats just as ravenously as before.
It’s too much fun re-meeting someone close to his heart.
---
Their third day passes much more comfortably. Despite it being cold, the outside is beautiful without the distractions of the city, and they go to spend the day out.
It’s already past midnight when they decide to start heading home. Yunho’s walking right beside Changmin, their arms touching, and he sees with mild amazement that Changmin’s something like an inch taller than him now. The younger man’s certainly grown into his looks, large, soft eyes and impossibly long eyelashes that naturally curl like moon slivers, smooth complexion, high cheekbones, lush black hair that curled a little around his neck.
A fucking model if he’s ever seen one.
“People don’t usually stare quite so blatantly,” Changmin says, eyes sliding over to gauge Yunho’s reaction with amusement.
Yunho flushes as expected and clears his throat, whipping his eyes back in front of him. He doesn’t pull away, though; if anything, he presses even harder into Changmin’s side, surprised and pleased when Changmin doesn’t shift away. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” he replies lightly, using that as an excuse to wind an arm around Changmin’s waist, leaning in closer. “Haven’t talked to you in forever.”
“You know,” Changmin says softly, steps slowing, “if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you liked me.” His fingertips brush the hand on his waist just slightly.
“Well, I’ve never lied to you before, and I’m not going to start now,” Yunho says, shrugging, feeling his cheeks heat, eyes still trained on the ground. “I do like you.”
“Are you sure?” Changmin asks, stopping completely, fully turning to Yunho.
“About my feelings?” Yunho feels another wave of disbelief when he actually has to tilt his head up to look in Changmin eyes. No, not at all, his brain says. “Of course I am,” his mouth utters instead.
Changmin just leans in to eliminate what little space there is left between them, and kisses him.
---
The next few days are nerve-wracking. Yunho’s never been more nervous, and coupled with the fact that he’s eventually going to have to tell his mom exactly why he can’t hold down a steady girlfriend, he’s ready to have small anxiety attacks every hour.
But it’s nice. Having Changmin watch him with a smile while he drops cutlery when trying to set the table leaves a nice, warm tingle in his chest. Having Changmin stand unnecessarily close to him while they’re both brushing their teeth makes him want to doodle their names together in a heart in his notebook. Having Changmin around at all makes him feel like a teenager going through puberty again, and he’s not sure if that’s normal.
How the tables have turned. Changmin used to adore him when they were younger, but now? Yunho’s almost a little worried about how cool Changmin is when it comes to everything and utterly disaffected he is by most things.
On their second last night together, Changmin pulls him into bed, telling him not to kill himself on the floor anymore. It’s the first time Yunho’s actually ever felt giddy about holding someone in their sleep. Changmin gives him a goodnight kiss and Yunho wonders for the millionth time if this is all some terribly wonderful joke that a sick individual is pulling on him.
He wakes with Changmin wrapped around him, pressed together with not a scrap of air between their bodies. It seems that Changmin’s need for warmth hasn’t changed either. He’s never felt more magnetized to another person before.
---
The last night before Changmin has to leave, Yunho doesn’t see him anywhere. In fact, he hasn’t seen Changmin at all since lunch. Shrugging in disappointment, Yunho grabs his jacket and heads out, hoping to clear his mind a little. It’s easy to snowball feelings in close quarters and getting fresh air might help him straighten things out. Like, for example, how exactly to approach Changmin and ask if this meant they were going out.
He’s not really paying attention to where he’s going and by the time he looks up, he’s back at the street corner where Changmin first kissed him. A giddy smile reaches his lips and Yunho flushes all over again at the memory.
Caught up in his thoughts, he doesn’t notice Changmin rounding the corner with a girl attached to his arm until they’re within earshot.
“Are you sure?” Changmin asks. Yunho watches the girl-a noona from a couple of streets down, clearly inebriated and about to fall-giggle and clutch harder to Changmin.
“Silly Minnie,” she slurs, “of course I’m sure. Come give noona a kiss.”
So Changmin leans down and kisses her, the exact same way he kissed Yunho, Yunho watching the two of them from maybe fifty feet away, feeling an odd numbness creep into his chest.
When it’s over, Changmin looks up with the same sort of calm, cool disinterest on his face. That is, until he looks over and sees Yunho standing there with a startle, eyes going wide in surprise. Yunho thinks that that’s probably the most honest emotion Changmin’s shown him in the last week.
He goes home and goes to sit alone in the basement.
---
The next day, everyone’s smiling and laughing, sad about having to leave, happy that they got to have a reunion for the first time in ten years. Yunho is just as polite and nice as ever to Changmin, no hard feelings, smile painted on his face in perfection.
Changmin seems uncomfortable and Yunho’s inclined to worry, but he can’t find it in himself to do anything about it.
It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t upset. And as petulant and teenage angst as that seems, he can’t bring himself to care. Maybe it was risky and stupid, but he honestly did like Changmin, and no matter what, Changmin had kissed him first.
After a few more minutes of pleasantries, Changmin’s family leaves.
Changmin looks back on his way to the car. Of course he does.
But Yunho’s already got his back turned and is walking away.
---
It’s hardest through January and February to deal with the guilt. Yoochun keeps bugging him about it and Changmin keeps having to swat him away, mumbling about labs and write-ups and all that, ignoring the way Yoochun keeps asking him about Lawyer Yunho-sshi.
Changmin’s got something of a reputation for being a player. It’s probably because he’s such good friends with Yoochun, but even he has to admit that he doesn’t do much for himself to put the rumors to rest. It’s not that he fools around; he just doesn’t know how to show people his emotions properly, doesn’t know how to react to certain things. When girls come up to him and confess, he just goes along after asking them if they’re sure, and when they inevitably say yes, he goes with them. Things happen, they fool around, and that’s something he can’t control. He likes the girls well enough, but they always get tired of him. He can understand that, too. So when they want to break up, he goes along with that as well.
Yoochun always tells him that it’s his own fault for being so goddamned attractive. But what is he really supposed to do about it? He’s not good with expressing himself and nobody really seems to want to listen and wait for him to try.
As the year passes, he thinks about Yunho less and less.
But at night, he can’t help but remember how nice and sweet and impossibly gentle Yunho was. Less and less, less and less, but always there.
---
The seasons pass, Yunho graduates, Changmin enters his last year of university. When November winds into December again, the thoughts resurface. Yunho wonders if Changmin will show up at his house this year at all.
Changmin wonders if Yunho would hate him if he goes.
In the end, their mothers make their decisions for them.
When they see each other again, one full year later, the feelings seem to explode in Changmin’s face. Yunho smiles at him, that same smile as the one when departing last year, and Changmin feels something in his chest drop into his stomach and his stomach drop to his toes.
It’s not rational at all. They only saw each other for one week-as in seven measly days-the previous year after a decade of no communication at all except for the occasional mention from their parents. They both go to school in Seoul but they’re nowhere near each other and they don’t even have each other’s cell numbers. It makes no sense for him to still feel so bad about what happened.
It doesn’t comfort him to feel so much more at ease and so much more disturbed every time Yunho is near.
“Hyung,” he says, feeling his stomach flip, something that only happens when he’s too nervous.
“Hey, Changmin,” Yunho replies, smiling so nicely that Changmin holds back a cringe.
He smoothes his mask of indifference and allows a small smile to show, hoping Yunho doesn’t hate him. “No Christmas sweater this year?” he asks.
“Got out of that.”
“Good...um...how are you?”
“Alright,” Yunho replies, and brushes past him out the door, going to help Changmin’s dad with unloading junk from the trunk of their car.
Changmin stands still, hands curled into loose fists as his side, feeling despair gnawing at the edges of his composure.
---
It’s late at night when they finally have time to talk to each other. Changmin’s had his mom command him around for the entire day. At one point, he had been outside for two hours, standing completely still while his sisters made a snowman that was supposed to look like him. He’s pretty sure he has frostbite and his sisters made a snowman with a carrot nose and button eyes like every other snowman. How is it like Changmin? They stuck a gnarly branch in where the snowman’s ass would be and Changmin watched on in the most unimpressed face he could manage while his parents nearly rolled around on the ground with laughter.
Lying in bed, under Yunho’s covers, Changmin tries and fails again and again to come up with a conversation starter. He can smell his hyung all around him and he thinks back to the way Yunho had been holding him tight last year, the two of them waking up in bed together.
Foregoing the idea of sleep, Changmin silently sits up and slides onto the floor, sitting back on his heels and rests his chin on his knees, looking at Yunho’s turned back.
“Hyung?” he whispers. For a second he feels something like disappointment and relief when Yunho doesn’t immediately respond, and then Yunho slowly turns over, looking at him with a blank expression.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can I talk to you?”
Yunho pauses and Changmin almost chickens out. Then the older man moves to sit up, moving around until they're sitting side by side, arms touching, backs to the side of the bed. “What’s going on?”
“...About last time,” Changmin starts.
“Don’t worry about it.”
It’s too easy of a dismissal. Changmin doesn’t want it. Instead, he turns and grabs Yunho, fingers in the older man’s hair, thumbs at his temples, and brings him in for a hard, desperate kiss.
Yunho wants to respond so badly but manages to refrain with extreme difficulty. Changmin eventually pulls away and wraps his arms around himself again, like he’s too cold, and stares down at the floor. He’s fidgeting slightly, clearly at a loss as to what to say.
“Go to sleep,” Yunho whispers, breaks the silence finally.
Changmin feels his heart squeeze painfully and he gets up and walks out instead, locking himself in the bathroom with shaking fingers. Sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, he curls into himself, head in his hands.
I fucked up, he thinks over and over again, I fucked up fucked up fucked up.
---
It’s his own fault, he knows, but when Yunho ignores him unless there’s an explicit need to interact, Changmin still can’t help but feel a spasm of bitterness and anger. Whenever they do interact, Yunho is so insufferably nice and impossible to dislike that Changmin’s left with nothing, floating in nowhere at all, not knowing what to do with himself.
Yunho was the best, most amazing hyung he ever had. Childhood opinions tend to be overblown and exaggerated but Changmin’s never let go of that one. When they had met again, Yunho was just...the same, his same hyung, and it was as easy as ever to fall back into that kind of comfort despite how horribly awkward time and distance made things. At the core of it, Yunho’s still the hyung he needs to hold his hand if he skins his knee on the front steps. They may be older but Changmin didn’t know how to make that jump over ten years, still doesn’t know how to adjust his feelings appropriately to right now, can’t find the right things to say.
Before he knows it, it’s nighttime again, and it’s even more awkward now than before.
“Yunho-hyung,” he calls, crouching on the floor by the bedside again, “I need to talk to you.”
Yunho sits up with a sigh. “Changmin-ah, listen-”
Changmin shakes his head. “Last time-”
“We barely know each other, Changmin.” Yunho looks down at his hands in his lap before up at Changmin, holding himself steady when Changmin’s eyes make him want to do nothing except collect the younger man in a hug. “You don’t need to feel like you have to-”
“I wanted to be a singer when I was younger,” Changmin blurts out, then looks down at his knees. “But I thought that a stable job would be more important so I’m in medicine. I’m a hypochondriac, especially when it comes to people washing their hands or touching me, especially my hair, or sitting on my bed in their street clothes. I failed a test once in grade seven and cried about it for an hour behind the school dumpster and that was the only test I ever failed in my life. My sisters think you’re a god.”
Yunho looks on in surprised silence.
Changmin tilts his head up to look at Yunho shyly, unsure, nervous. “...I might be inclined to agree with them.”
The older man continues to stare, not knowing what to say. Changmin takes the silence as a bad sign, fingers starting to clench in his pajama pants.
“I...” Changmin says, voice strained, desperation starting to show, “I’m afraid to make attachments because I know what I’m like, and it’s...hard to believe anyone would like me beyond the initial appeal.” His voice gets smaller by the second, the words finally honest and hurt. “I kissed you last year. I messed it up. I...if...the only thing I can ask for is for you to not hate me, then I guess I’ll take it.”
“I don’t hate you,” Yunho whispers. “I wouldn’t hate you, Changmin-ah.”
“Is it because you’re supposed to be my wise hyung?”
When he doesn’t get an answer, Changmin looks up in anxiety. The second he does, Yunho leans over, hand going to cup Changmin’s cheek, and brings their lips together for a kiss that is gentle and soothing in a way only Yunho could achieve.
When they break apart, Changmin’s eyes are still closed, his lips still parted, and Yunho wonders how one person can be so stunningly beautiful.
“The last thing I wanted was to mess up,” Changmin whispers, finally opening his eyes after a long while.
“Changmin-”
“Because it’s you,” Changmin insists, giving into the need to touch and feel, pulling at Yunho’s hands until he’s enveloped in a warm hug. “It has to be you.”
---
This year is a strange repeat of last year. They go grocery shopping and instead of cereal, this time, Yunho knocks over a pyramid of baby food, and that stuff involved glass.
It’s so easy and natural that Yunho’s not sure what to do with himself now that he can just be relaxed and happy. They watch TV together on the couch after everyone else has gone to bed, Changmin feeding Yunho the occasional M&M from a family size pack. They wrap around each other in bed, a pair of matching magnets, waking in the mornings still fitted right together.
“Are you in law school now?” Changmin asks, murmuring into Yunho’s collarbone.
“Took a year off,” Yunho mumbles back, playing with Changmin’s hair. It’s gotten longer.
“How come?”
“Remember when you asked me if law really made me happy? I needed some time to think about it. Taking dance classes right now.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. My turn! Why did you kiss that noona last year when I was perfectly willing?”
Changmin feels himself stiffen and unconsciously curls his fingers tighter into Yunho’s shirt, as if that would prevent the older man from walking away. “I didn’t know how to handle the way I was- am feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“It always happens like that. Someone will like me at first and then get to know me and then...that’s it. And you’re...I didn’t know how you could be so different because it scared me when you made me smile, so I thought I had to test myself somewhere else and you weren’t supposed to see-”
“Okay, it’s okay,” Yunho soothes, murmuring comfortingly, holding Changmin close. “Changmin-ah, I like you perfectly just the way you are. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”
“Because you’re my hyung, right?” Changmin whispers, holding tight when Yunho laces their fingers together.
“No,” Yunho replies, tilting Changmin’s face up, leaning in closer for a kiss. “Because I’m your Yunho.” It’s like the simplest thing on the planet and Changmin’s never felt words hit him like this before, doesn’t know what to do except return the kiss with a few added ones of his own.
---
The week is pretty much as perfect as perfect gets and only ends too soon. At the door, Changmin’s extremely hesitant to leave now that he’s secretly left his heart in Yunho’s hands, fidgeting slightly, shifting from foot to foot.
Yunho thinks that he finally knows how to read Changmin’s intricacies, if only a little. They finally exchange phone numbers a year late. But, better late than never.
“Come...visit me sometime,” Changmin says awkwardly, ignoring the way his parents are nodding in approval. He also ignores his sisters teasing him about becoming a YunGod worshipper like they are. “I have a room at res to myself and the campus is nice enough...and if you’re not...busy...”
“Of course,” Yunho replies, smiling widely, beaming really, and goes to ruffle Changmin’s hair. He’d like nothing more than to kiss Changmin goodbye but he’ll settle for now.
---
Two weeks into January, Changmin’s still heard nothing. He’s starting to get a little frantic (should’ve told Yunho about his tendency to get paranoid, too) when there’s a sudden knock at his door, and wouldn’t you know it, Jung Yunho’s standing on the other side, arms full of a box of chocolate.
Changmin drags him in before Yunho’s even fully done saying hello and pushes him down into a bed too small for the both of them to fit onto properly. He shows the older man exactly how much he’s willing to give to this and in what ways he’s willing to give it.
In the morning, Yunho kisses Changmin awake, sticky and kind of gross and indescribably happy. Despite the dull ache in his backside, Changmin’s never been so comfortable.
As luck would have it, as soon as Changmin steps out into the hall with Yunho in tow, Yoochun steps out of his room next door and introductions happen, to Changmin’s utter horror.
Grabbing Yunho’s wrist possessively and pulling the older man slightly behind him, Changmin glares at the way Yoochun leers at Yunho, trying to command the older man back into his room by sheer force of will.
“You must be The Gorgeous One That Got Away,” Yoochun says, smoky and low, watching Yunho’s wide-eyed, pleased beam at Changmin’s unseeing, frantic waving to get Yoochun to shut up. “I think we should amend that one to The Gorgeous One That Got Away But Got Reeled Back In By Our Dongsaeng’s Charm and Tight, Tight Buns of Steel.”
Yunho flushes a radioactive shade of red and Changmin literally sinks to the ground, face hidden in his hands, rocking back and forth on his heels.
Yoochun just laughs like the horrible friend he is and pats Yunho on the shoulder. “He wouldn’t stop talking about you all last year,” he tells Yunho while Changmin’s distracted with mumbling death incantations onto Yoochun’s person. Yunho thinks that Yoochun is kind of amazing already. “I’m really happy for you guys. Don’t let him fool you into believing that he’s not in a disgusting pile of mush in love with you.”
Yunho’s left standing by himself, heart jackhammering in his chest at the simple words, turning to look at a still dying Changmin trying to make himself disintegrate. “Changmin,” he says, catching the younger man’s attention, “let’s go take a shower.”
During the day, Changmin takes Yunho around campus. There isn’t much going on on the weekend but it gives them the freedom to talk anywhere at all and loiter as much as they want.
That night, Yunho gives himself to Changmin as best as he knows how to, which is barely anything at all, going off of what his friends have told him and the wealth of knowledge known as the internet. He takes it slow, rocking gently above Changmin’s body, feeling Changmin’s fingernails about to cut into the skin of his hips.
“Fuck, fuck, shit, Yunho, fuck,” Changmin mutters, expletives leaving his mouth with every pant.
“Changmin!” Yunho laughs breathlessly, “language!”
“Fuck, Yunho! Shit, shitshitshit, Yunho, Yunho, fuck,” Changmin continues to say elegantly, whimpering in every sense of the word, watching Yunho ride him, eyes wide with disbelief and face blown with pleasure.
“Come on,” Yunho leans down to whisper in his ear, “touch me, Changmin.”
“Fffffffffffff-” Changmin starts, holding Yunho down and arched over him, pressing his nose to the older man’s temple and panting into his ear. He wraps a hand around Yunho’s cock and tries not to die while thinking about the feel of it in his hands.
Yunho moans and writhes on top of him so he strokes hard and fast, sinking his incisors into his lower lip when Yunho makes the sexiest mewling noise he’s ever heard in his entire sad existence without the older man, knowing he’s about to embarrass himself entirely way too early and much too quickly.
Jerking his hips unsteadily, Changmin has one last thought of how tight and deep and hot everything is, and then he’s coming with a loud, loud expletive and an even louder, drawn out cry of Yunho’s name, hand going double time around Yunho’s cock.
He meets the end of his orgasm to see Yunho’s face wash with pleasure and feel the simultaneous, impossible clench around his cock. Yunho moans his name deep and husky and Changmin knows that if he didn’t come already, he would fucking explode everywhere right now.
After it’s winded down a little, Changmin can’t stop himself from petting at Yunho’s hair and brushing fingers on his cheeks. He dips a finger through the mess splashed across his stomach and abdomen and brings it to his mouth for a taste. Huhn, so this is what Yunho tastes like, he thinks, pupils dilating wide and dark, unmindful of the way Yunho’s watching him.
“Changmin-ah, you okay?” Yunho asks.
Changmin almost startles before resuming his petting of Yunho’s hair with renewed vigour, trying to look calm. “Are you okay?” he asks, starting to feel worried.
“I’m more than okay.”
“Good!” Changmin replies. “Well...actually, I...have a question.”
“Yeah?”
“Has...everyone been...doing it wrong? Have I been doing this wrong to myself all this time?”
Yunho’s face is a mask of not understanding. “...What?”
“I...well...is...is it supposed to feel this good?” he asks, embarrassed and shy, confused and uncertain of himself all over again.
Yunho blinks before his face melts into a smile. “I don’t know,” he answers in the end, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on Changmin’s lips. “I’ve never felt this way with anyone but you.”
“I’m glad,” Changmin breathes, holding Yunho’s cheeks in his hands, looking up at the older man with his big eyes. “I only want it to be me.”
Yunho says something and Changmin is so blown away that he doesn’t even understand it because he can’t believe it. He forces Yunho to repeat it, I love you, Yunho says, so Changmin makes him repeat it again, trying to force it to sink in, and again, just to hear it.
And then Changmin knows for sure. He’s fucked, he’s so fucked, so absolutely fucked, and so, absolutely, utterly, hopelessly in love.
---
Yunho has to leave the next morning because he has work the next day. Changmin’s been ignoring the huge mass of homework and readings on his desk as well.
“Wouldn’t want you failing the second test ever in your life,” Yunho says, kissing a still mildly protesting Changmin. “I’ll come visit again soon.”
On the front steps of the school, Yunho doesn’t let Changmin walk him to his car.
“What if I carry you off to my abode and have my way with you for the next week?” he asks.
“You say it like it’s a bad thing,” Changmin replies, pouting to make his point.
Yunho almost crumbles. Almost. Instead, he leans in to give Changmin a soft kiss, arms around his waist, Changmin’s hands at Yunho’s shoulders, bodies pressed together the way only lovers can. “I’ll see you soon,” Yunho whispers with a smile.
“Yeah,” Changmin replies in a breath, dazed and dizzy. “Wait!” he calls when Yunho turns to go, grabbing the other man’s wrist.
Yunho turns back with a quizzical look.
“We’ve...we’re, you know...you’ll come back to see me again soon, right? I mean...” Changmin inwardly cringes, trailing off while his cheeks warm, knowing how juvenile and clingy he’s sounding.
Yunho’s heart instantly liquefies in his ribcage in a dirty mess and he comes back up the steps, taking the ring off of his pinkie finger. Without a word, he slips it onto Changmin’s pinkie, stealing a kiss while the younger man’s distracted by the silver band.
“I’d put it here,” he whispers, stroking Changmin’s ring finger, “but that ring doesn’t fit.” Changmin feels his entire body tremble with his heart. “But I’ll find one that does.”
That’s the last thing that Yunho says before walking away again with a nonchalant wave. He actually manages to get out of the parking lot and out onto the road without running anyone over. Three stoplights later, he finally allows himself to do a little jig in his seat, clapping happily to himself, giddy all over, ignoring the old lady driving the car in the lane next to him giving him strange looks.
Back at school, it’s a full ten minutes later before Yoochun finds Changmin on the front steps, a thin layer of snow on his hair and shoulders. “Oh wow,” he mutters, watching the younger man still staring at the space where Yunho’s car was parked in all his lovesick glory. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Changmin sighs, looking dreamy and twisting the ring on his pinkie.
“You sure?”
“Yeah...”
“’Cause it looks like you’re about to vomit love onto your shoes and then get down and roll around in it.”
Changmin kicks him and Yoochun almost skids down a flight of sludge covered stairs. Changmin doesn’t care. He’s still trying to figure out if Yunho would appreciate him more in red or black boxer briefs when he comes to visit next.
Well, not that it really matters. He’s planning on the both of them being naked for most of the time, anyway.
---
paramore adore mp3 | lyrics
free music downloads | videos | pictures