a work of art
a work of art
suho/kai
pg-13
junmyeon lights jongin up on the inside.
---
Junmyeon interprets everything Jongin does as close friendship and Jongin understands all of Junmyeon as favoritism. Love is different to different people and it looks different on different people.
It just so happens that on their faces, it looks exactly the same.
---
It started off a long time ago as concentration, the need to make sure he heard correctly and followed directions. But honestly, these days, Jongin stares lasers into Junmyeon’s face because he bloody well can, and even if everyone in his life and on the internet likes to tease him for it with copious amounts of photographic evidence to back it up, Jongin can’t say he’s even ashamed. Or that he’s going to stop.
Seriously, why would he? The great beings above gifted them with Junmyeon’s radiance to bask in and saw fit to give Jongin eyeballs with which to witness. So he witnesses, intensely, because holy shit Junmyeon is so handsome, he is so freaking good looking, and he’s so nice too, the real kind of nice that can’t be faked. Despite all the hardship that tears at him and the mask he puts on that he sometimes forgets how to take off, the kindness always shines through. People are drawn to him for a reason. That sort of warmth doesn’t come around all that often and Jongin knows it too. He may be slow on the uptake, he may be in denial a lot of the time too, but he knows when he’s found a good thing.
Junmyeon is a good thing. A great thing, even if he does crack horrible awful cringey jokes that make Jongin’s extremities want to shrivel up.
Plus, he’s so generous with his money, and he buys me my favorite chicken all the time. It’s like he really deeply understands me because he knows all my favori
“You are a trillion and thirty-two percent in love with him,” Chanyeol informs kindly, bent over Jongin from behind. He only happened to wander into the bedroom for his phone charger but found Jongin hunched over his desk and furiously scribbling into a notebook--diary??--instead.
“Ah, Chanyeol-hyung!! It’s rude to read other people’s things!” Jongin scowls, covering his writing with his arms like a ten-year-old trying to hide plans for his science fair project.
“I wouldn’t have read it if I knew you were writing a diary entry.”
Jongin’s scowl deepens. He is not embarrassed! He’s just...a private person! “It’s not a diary, I’m just collating my thoughts into one coherent area--”
“Dear diary,” Chanyeol says, putting on his sing-song voice and clasping his hands to the center of his chest, “today Junmyeon-hyung looked in my direction--”
“Oh my god, shut up!!” Jongin cries, “I told you it’s not---”
“-and he was like, ‘oh Jongin, how tall you’ve grown, let me circle you with my muscular arms--”
“It isn’t even like that--”
“-and mash my mouth to your mouth--”
“I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH JUNMYEON-HYUNG!!” Jongin explodes, and he wouldn’t say shriek but other people might, but it was definitely more of a manly yell in his mind. His face is the temperature of magma and probably the same color, too. Breathe, Jongin. The huge huffs and puffs of your chest just make you look guiltier.
“Oh, hey hyung,” Chanyeol says, ripping Jongin’s attention from eyeballing murder onto Chanyeol’s face to the bedroom door instead.
Sehun’s smug smirk is there to greet him. That’s bad enough, but it’s so much worse that a bewildered, confused Junmyeon is standing there with him, bubble tea in one hand and a container of chicken in the other, a strange expression on his face that’s extremely difficult to read.
Jongin’s breath catches in his chest. Breathe, Jongin. The fact that you stopped confirms your guilt. He whips his eyes back to Chanyeol, narrowing them in accusation. You asshole, he sends, hoping his visual rage is apparent enough that Chanyeol can hear him in his head.
Chanyeol, for all his faux apologetic pouts, seems completely unfazed. He pats Jongin on the head before tugging Sehun off with him, leaving Jongin standing there with his diar--his notebook--clutched protectively to his chest.
“Uh,” Jongin says intelligently.
“That was weird,” Junmyeon says, shrugging one shoulder, half a smile on his face. He’s not meeting Jongin’s eyes though, a sign of discomfort that Jongin’s learned to read in the near decade they’ve known each other. “Um...what were you guys even talking about?”
“Nothing!” Jongin rushes to say, “I wasn’t even...we weren’t even talking…”
Junmyeon does look at him now, but it’s with arched eyebrows and a small twist to his mouth that lets Jongin know he doesn’t believe him for a second. Jongin’s not lying, he really wasn’t having a conversation with Chanyeol so much as he was trying to keep his pride in one piece. He doesn’t like not telling Junmyeon the whole truth, but the whole truth isn’t even something Jongin can properly piece together himself for self-admittance. There isn’t anything to tell if Jongin doesn’t have any grasp of it.
“Alright, well,” Junmyeon says, sidestepping Jongin’s words entirely, “I got you some food while I was out with Sehunnie.”
He seems uncertain about it now though, only half holding it out in Jongin’s direction, looking at it like it might’ve gone bad.
You stupid motherfucker, Jongin swears at himself in his head, two bright spots of pink to his cheeks. He moves towards Junmyeon immediately, shoulders hunched inward, head a little ducked as he takes the small box with both hands. Oh god, it smells so good. It’s obviously his favorite chicken from that cornerside restaurant a few streets down, his favorite since before they debuted. The one with the cute cat outside that Jongin used to stare at as it rubbed its head into Junmyeon’s palm when Junmyeon would inevitably lavish it with attention. The one Junmyeon’s been buying him chicken from ever since he figured out that Jongin likes theirs best, without prompting or coaxing, without expectation of anything in return, because he’s really a wonderful, wonderful friend.
“Thank you,” Jongin says quietly, fingers clasped tight around both sides of the container. He swallows, hoping his face isn’t a painting of guilt as he looks up again at Junmyeon’s face.
It would be so bad if Junmyeon thought that Jongin was in love with him. They have to work together and they’re such good friends and it’d make everything so weird.
“You’re welcome,” Junmyeon says. He gives Jongin a smile that doesn’t really sit well on his face, and then he’s gone that quickly even though Junmyeon usually lingers with him just to talk about nothing.
It would be infinitely worse if Junmyeon thought that Jongin wasn’t in love with him, though.
Because he is.
---
“Oh woah, you got chicken?” Baekhyun asks him, flopping down next to him on the sofa. Jongin pulls the container a bit more protectively to his body. He would eat it but he currently has no motor control in his arm since most of his energy is being focused on not falling down to the ground in a helpless, pathetic, weepy mess. “When did you go out for chicken??”
“Junmyeon-hyung got it for me,” Jongin mumbles. Oh god, don’t cry, Baekhyun will mock you until you’re dead and in the ground.
“What!!” Baekhyun exclaims, crowding closer, fingers poised like a crane game claw ready for a prize, “he didn’t get any for the rest of us! You’re so lucky you’re his favorite, I mean I could use free chicke-- dude, you okay? Jongin? Hey, what’s wrong, are you okay??”
---
“I fucked up,” Jongin says, all his words muffled as he suffocates himself into his pillow. He’s facedown in it; he hopes he really suffocates and dies. It would be the kinder way to live.
Taemin’s sigh is so loud over the phone that Jongin almost feels the gush of air in his ear. “I’m sure he doesn’t think you mean it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Jongin complains, groaning, “if he thought I didn’t mean it, then he’d think that I totally was in love with him, and then he’d say something about it, wouldn’t he?”
The desperation in his voice is pretty interesting. Jongin never thought he’d sound this desperate about anything.
“You sound so desperate right now,” Taemin tells him happily, “maybe he does believe you then, maybe he thinks you’re totally straight and not into him at all that way and he’s upset about it because he thought he had a chance with you.”
“You’re such an asshole. Don’t you know best friends are supposed to support each other when one is having a crisis, not make fun of them for it?”
“It’s only a crisis if you don’t do anything about it,” Taemin says, and he sounds the way people do when they’re beyond the last line of their patience but struggling not to show it. “And Jongin? Dude, seriously? As your best friend through all these years of you knowing him, you really haven’t ever done anything about it.”
“What am I even supposed to do, though?” Jongin asks miserably, curling up into a ball in his bed, “it’s not like it’d change anything, I mean it’s not like he’s interested in me that way.”
“You sure about that?”
“No!?” Jongin demands, “but I don’t want to live with false hope either!”
And to that, Taemin is uncharacteristically silent. He doesn’t say anything for a while but Jongin doesn’t push for a reply, needing truly thoughtful advice more than anything.
“I think he’s the leader, and you’re the magnae he can’t reach a lot,” Taemin eventually says.
Indignation wells in Jongin’s chest almost instantly. “I’m just as close to him as Sehunnie,” he says defensively, “just because we don’t room toge--
“That’s not what I meant!” Taemin sighs again, long suffering and tired. Good lord, sometimes talking to Jongin is like witnessing the first split of prehistoric amoeba. “Maybe you need to touch base? I mean, talking is talking, but have you really talked to him lately and listened?”
Jongin groans again, wanting to drown in a pool of misery and self-pity. “Listen to what, Taemin?”
“How he feels, dumbhead.”
About you, Taemin doesn’t say, but he’s sure Jongin will figure that out, even if it’s later rather than sooner.
---
Taemin isn’t so far off. Actually, no one is, because Junmyeon’s fairly obvious about his feelings and he’s not that invested in trying to obfuscate them. If obvious is obvious, maybe he has a chance of getting what he really wants, right?
Except, obvious has the very clear downside of obvious rejection as well, and this one caught him a little off guard. A lot off guard. He didn’t think Jongin would feel so strongly about not feeling strongly about him. It hurts, stings like a real fucker right down deep in the center of his chest, but at least then he knows for sure that it’s been love all along.
“Hyung…” Sehun says, his sleepy eyes filled with concern.
“Ah, Sehun-ah, I’m fine!” Junmyeon insists, tensing up where he’s sitting in bed. Was it showing on his face again? Is it really so obvious? Sehun’s staring at him like he 100% doesn’t believe him, fingers picking at his covers. “Seriously, it’s not a big deal, it’s not like I thought it’d go anywhere anyway.”
But you’ve been in love with him for so long, Sehun thinks. “But you wanted it to, didn’t you?” he asks instead, because Junmyeon might be his favorite hyung ever, if only because he’s built of kindness and forgiveness like this. Sehun wants him to have everything he wants because Junmyeon always tries to give that to the rest of them without mind to money or time or personal limitations.
It’s just hard when he has no control of another person’s actions. Especially someone as free as Kim Jongin.
“Failure is just a sign that the next step is ahead,” Junmyeon says sagely, undoubtedly quoting one of those self-improvement books he likes to read so much. “Don’t worry, Sehun-ah. But thank you for worrying all the same.”
Yeah, of course Sehun worries. Junmyeon is probably the most mentally exhausted out of all of them at most times purely due to his role as leader and Exo’s mouthpiece. He usually falls asleep within minutes, before Sehun’s even done rearranging his pillows and blankets sometimes. Tonight, Sehun gets to listen to Junmyeon read, quiet, slow turns of paper in the stillness of night, and he wonders if Jongin’s awake too, kept up by the feeling of something important brushing close and passing by.
---
A few of them have imagined the eventual meeting of Junmyeon and Jongin’s feelings for each other, but none of them could’ve imagined it would turn out as awkwardly as it has. Junmyeon is too passive with Jongin like he always has been but Jongin is too shy to push, even when it matters, so they remain in parallel, forever within sight but never destined to touch.
“Oh my god...I am so miserable,” Jongin comments one night at dinner, chopsticks halfway to his mouth. The lump of rice he had on it promptly falls into his lap and he doesn’t even go to retrieve it, letting Chanyeol sigh at him before taking care of it for him.
“Can't you just talk to him?” Kyungsoo bargains, “we know you’re marinating in your own feelings but there’s no need to carry on like this.”
“He’s just upset that Junmyeon-hyung’s been avoiding him,” Sehun mumbles, unflinching to Jongin’s scathing glare, “he deserves it though, I mean who yells something like that so loud and expects the other person not to take it badly?”
“So he is avoiding me?” Ugh, that desperation again. Jongin cringes just to hear himself sound like that.
If Sehun says Junmyeon is avoiding him though, it must be true. There's no point in getting jealous over their closeness but Jongin's stomach is sour with envy nonetheless. How different things could've been, then, if he had been Junmyeon's only roommate from the start.
“Take it from me, who's known him the longest only after you," Chanyeol says, pointing his chopsticks at Jongin, "he wouldn't avoid you if he didn't care about you."
"But how do I talk about that?" Jongin puzzles, twisting a napkin to shreds in his nervous hands, "I mean, how would you start that conversation?"
To that question, no one has a real answer. A group of 4 boys huddled together over a sizzling grill, hidden from prying eyes and curious ears in a private room, clearly no better at words now than when they were 13. For Jongin, who's always been pretty direct and succinct with his thoughts, especially with Junmyeon, this is a real, living hell. His well of words always seems to run dry when he needs it most, and he needs it most for Junmyeon.
Because Junmyeon means the most.
---
“Sehun-ah, it’s up to you.”
Sehun pouts at Chanyeol, who’s currently got hands cupping both his shoulders, a grip full of request and importance. “Why do I have to do it?” He was just innocently on his way to the shower, marveling at the beauty of how swishy his new haircut is, and Chanyeol had to intercept and accost him with a mission!
“Because it’s important and they’ll both get married and divorced and be knee deep in bank loans before they get around to admitting they like each other to each other!” Chanyeol cries, giving Sehun a gentle shake.
“Hyung, I don’t think it’s good to meddle…”
“It’s not meddling if it helps. That’s just helping.”
Sehun considers this. It sounds...full of truth. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nods, conviction growing, wanting nothing but the best for two of his bestest friends. After all, if they can’t have beautiful swishy hair like he does, they at least deserve to properly be in love.
“What’s the plan?”
---
It's a handful of minutes past midnight and Jongin is contemplating the merits of throwing himself out of a living room window when Sehun waltzes in with an exasperated Junmyeon in tow.
"But it's so late--
"Better so no one can recognize us!" Sehun interrupts, fingers wrapped around Junmyeon's thin wrist in an inarguable claw, "here, put on your mask and a hat." He turns to Jongin, who's currently attempting to appear as if he hasn't been facedown in the sofa for the past twenty minutes. "You want to come with us, Jongin? Hyung's getting me bubble tea."
"You could at least pretend you like me for me than my money," Junmyeon teases, mostly sighs, exasperation at previously unseen levels.
"I'm sure Jonginnie likes you for much more than your money," Sehun says casually, and Jongin's mouth drops open like he's lost a screw in the hinge of his jaw, "isn't that a good balance, Junmyeon-hyung? Magnae line combined is like the best magnae you could imagine."
"Oh, lord." Junmyeon rolls his eyes but there, he’s blushing, and that's a Junmyeon smile pulling at his lips, eyes soft and fond. Jongin can barely stand to look at it in all its brilliance and it isn't even aimed at him. "Would you like to come, Jongin-ah?"
Jongin doesn't need to be asked again. He's off the sofa in a flash, fingers tugging self-consciously at his shirt, an attempt to smooth out wrinkles.
It's been nearly two weeks since Junmyeon's asked him to do something social that doesn't pertain to work, and although this was driven by Sehun, Jongin will take it. Junmyeon is at least smiling at him again. Even if it hasn't lost that slightly nervous twinge at the sides yet, Jongin is just glad to be close.
They pile into the car and Junmyeon takes over driving duties as a good hyung should, and while Jongin’s debating whether it’d be too obvious for him to sit in the passenger seat to be near him, Sehun makes the decision for him by shoving him into it. This isn’t exactly a place that Jongin’s never been but he’s been hyperaware of Junmyeon lately. His hyung has always been unfairly handsome but has it always been on this level of tragically unbearable? Just gutting, totally unfair, not so anonymous hit-and-run on Jongin’s poor, infatuated heart.
Sehun fills the car up with smalltalk that Jongin finds easy to banter with, knees pushed up against the back of Jongin’s seat. While that would usually elicit a smart remark or two from him, Jongin decides not to tonight, too grateful for Sehun’s interference in the tension he’s been having with Junmyeon.
Sehun’s sensitive to these things. He’s a good kid, he knows the situation well, and he genuinely does want to help, even if he does troll everyone a little along the way.
They drive to a bubble tea place out of the primary bustle of the city core, out of the way enough to net them a bit of privacy. Junmyeon lets them pick and do the talking but it’s his cash that they spend and Jongin’s stomach gets all gooey when their fingers brush as cash changes hands. Junmyeon looks at him when it happens, just a quick catch of their eyes, but his expression is one that Jongin lives for endless minutes.
“It’s been a while since you’ve gotten bubble tea with each other, right??” Sehun asks. The question is totally innocent but it’s so unnecessary and out of place--Jongin barely manages to refrain from cringing. Sehun’s a good kid but oh god subtlety is not his forte.
“Yeah, I can’t really remember the last time,” Junmyeon replies, ever kind and hyung-like. He turns to Jongin with a smile and all that sunshine suddenly pinpoints on Jongin and his furiously thumping heart. “I usually take Jonginnie out for chicken, right?”
Internally shrieking, Jongin nods. “The honey glaze kind.”
“Sometimes with garlic though, if you’re in a particularly whiny mood!”
“Hyung!! When am I whiny?”
“Most of the time, Jongin-ah.”
“I’m not whiny!” Jongin whines, insides quivering at the happy grin on Junmyeon’s face. They feel normal again, it’s better, they just needed to break the ice--
“Wow how about you guys just start dating already,” Sehun suggests.
Jongin stiffly turns to gape at him, neck creaking with tension. Junmyeon clears his throat awkwardly and almost kicks at the ground but figures that would make things too obvious.
Although, Sehun notes with little surprise, neither of them denies the idea, or each other.
“Anyway…” Jongin delicately plants into the renewed awkward silence, “Um...should we head back?” He shoots Junmyeon a quick look, not really wanting him to say yes.
Even if it’s awkward, even if it’s mostly silent, at least they can be together.
Junmyeon looks at Jongin and then at Sehun, torn between what he wants and what he should say. Jongin’s been really weird around him lately and he chalked it up to the awkward interaction they had a couple of weeks ago but his heart’s been on a rampage, reading into Jongin’s behavior the way it wants. It seems pretty much like Jongin’s got a huge crush on him. He did believe that a few years back, when Jongin was really sweet on him in private, but Jongin also grew up pretty fast and grew out of holding his hand. That was okay, for a while. Junmyeon could still hug him and do fanservice in concerts and stuff. But now, as they get older and Jongin only gets harder to look away from, all Junmyeon wants is more. More of Jongin. All of Jongin.
He doesn’t realize how intensely he’s staring until Sehun suddenly cuts in, making Junmyeon and Jongin jump at the same time. Well...at least Junmyeon wasn’t the only one staring. See, it’s the little things like this that get his hopes up--it seems so much like Jongin might be interested in him that way, because why else would two guys stare at each other like that and get lost in it? But Jongin had insisted so emphatically to Chanyeol the other day...and Junmyeon’s too damn careful to venture out of clear comfort boundaries.
"Hello?" Sehun says, talking way too unnaturally loud into his phone, "oh, Chanyeol-hyung?! What, you need me to listen to the new song you just played by chance on the guitar and no one else is available?! Okay, I'll be right there!"
He puts his phone down, smile undimmed by the twin looks of bewilderment being shot at him.
"Sorry guys, there’s an emergency I have to see to, so I’m gonna take the car.”
“What?” Junmyeon asks, bewilderment growing, “can’t we just drive back together?”
“No, I have to go now. Chanyeol-hyung really needs me!”
“So we can go now--”
“No no no,” Sehun interrupts, waving his hands about in front of him, “you guys should enjoy your drinks together! I don’t want to drag you into my responsibilities…”
“...How are we supposed to get back?” Jongin asks, caught between shaking Sehun by the shoulders for being so obvious and kissing him for being such a great bro.
“I don’t know, cab it?” Sehun fishes the car keys out of Junmyeon’s jeans pocket, grinning at Jongin like the mad genius he is. “Or take a bus, I hear buses at night can be romantic.”
He’s off with a wave to Junmyeon and a really undisguised wink at Jongin, making both of them squirm where they stand. Jongin’s got a bubble tea cupped in his hand that now tastes like sandpaper and Junmyeon is really preoccupied with staring at the empty space where the car just was, as if trying to conjure it again.
“So…” Junmyeon says eventually, motioning for them to walk when it becomes clear that Sehun isn't coming back, “that wasn’t the apex of subtlety.”
Jongin huffs with laughter. “I don’t think he was going for subtle.”
"No. But what do you think he was going for?"
"Uh, well. I- I guess to get us to talk. Motivate one of us by force or something."
Junmyeon smiles at him, so warmly, like he’s feeling nothing but happiness. Jongin desperately hopes that that’s true. “Who do you think he did all that for then, you or me?”
“Um…” Jongin replies, hesitant to go too far. Junmyeon wouldn’t ask if he didn’t want a real answer though, and it’s too obvious by now that things aren’t normal--thanks a lot Oh Sehun--so Jongin takes a step in the direction he wants, hoping Junmyeon can meet him halfway. “I think mostly for me. But, um, maybe…” He looks at Junmyeon fleetingly, looks away at literally everything else, then forces himself to look back, burning cheeks and all. “Maybe for you, too?”
Junmyeon blinks at him, clearly surprised. The shock on his face makes Jongin’s stomach cramp, but before he can backpedal, Junmyeon turns completely red, just lights up with it, mouth pulling sideways between a grin and a grimace.
“I suppose I’m not a paragon of subtlety either,” Junmyeon admits, laughing and still wearing that pretty blush. "To be honest, I thought Sehunnie really was doing all this for me. It's what I wanted."
Jongin has never been more in love. He can’t breathe with it, it’s caught between all his ribs and filled up both his lungs.
“It’s okay, I mean,” Jongin says, marbles in his mouth, “I- I like it. You.”
“Me,” Junmyeon repeats.
“Yeah, uh, I like you.”
“That’s good,” Junmyeon muses. He watches as Jongin fiddles with his hair and then pulls at his shirt and then swishes his bubble tea around, fingers restless. “Hey, I like you too.” He bites back a laugh when Jongin makes an incredibly ambiguous noise, but Jongin’s also staring straight up at the sky and clearly trying (and failing) not to smile, so Junmyeon feels okay about that. He feels great about that. “Jongin-ah, you’re blushing.”
Jongin laughs quietly, feeling as light and far away as all the twinkling stars in the endless ceiling above. “Yeah, I know.”
“Hey, can you hold something for me?” Junmyeon digs around in his pocket and holds his enclosed fist out, smile warm once Jongin finally, shyly turns to him again, eyes so dark and so bright.
Jongin holds his hand out, worried it’ll be some sort of coupon for honey-glazed chicken. Junmyeon probably really has been trying to woo him with chicken in all the years they’ve known each other--it’s suddenly so obvious to Jongin that it never could’ve been anything else.
But it’s worse than a coupon. Junmyeon opens his empty fist, clasps his hand on top of Jongin’s outstretched one instead, and he’s grinning like he’s so proud of himself for having pulled that off. Jongin bursts out laughing and he’s red to the roots of his hair and he’s so dazzled by how incredibly lame and wonderful and easy to love his hyung is. He’s too shy to have reached out to hold hands himself but he has no qualms about holding Junmyeon’s hand now that it’s already there. Junmyeon entwines their fingers together and Jongin almost bounces to the balls of his feet, he’s just so happy, and he pulls his face mask up, not wanting other people to see. Not the fact that it’s them or that they’re famous or that they’re holding hands the way they are, but because Junmyeon’s lighting him up from the inside, and that’s all his own to bask in.
---
A block away from the apartment, Junmyeon lets go of Jongin’s hand. It’s the responsible thing to do but he isn’t happy about it, but he is very happy that the moment he pulls away, Jongin turns to look at him, like Junmyeon’s the only thing he wants to be seeing.
They’d only been walking in silence. It was nice, just holding hands and walking. Or maybe that’s really insignificant and boring, but it doesn’t feel that way because Junmyeon had Jongin with him as he did it, and there’s nothing as exquisite as being with the one you love.
“Oh wow, did you guys go for a movie or something?” Sehun asks as soon as they get back in. “You were gone for a long time.”
“Someone abandoned us so we had to walk back,” Junmyeon explains, rolling his eyes. He smiles at Jongin though, like they have a secret.
“You didn’t have to walk, I told you buses are more romantic anyway.”
“Yeah, but walking’s even more romantic than that,” Junmyeon says. He’s grinning now and Sehun starts to laugh, mostly at how deeply red Jongin’s face can get.
For Jongin, who feels as stable as a dried-out leaf in a tropical hurricane, all of this is too much like a dream. He’s so sure he’s dreamt of this before. He knows he’s wished for this before when blowing out candles on top of his birthday cakes. If he’d known that that shit actually works, he would’ve made sure to wish for a bigger paycheck. Ah well, maybe next birthday--he’s wanted Junmyeon for as long as he can remember wanting anything, and now that he has everything he wants, what else would he wish for, anyway?
---
He's thought of it before, how he and Junmyeon could sit and pretend to watch TV together at crazy o'clock in the morning, a normal, wonderful romance like all the other couples. Now that he’s really here, he realizes there’s really no such thing as normal--it’s love, that synonym for insanity, and with 24/7 celebrity piled on top of it, there will never be anything average about their relationship.
But Junmyeon does try for the magical mundane romance. He doesn’t talk about it because Junmyeon is a man of action whereas Jongin tends to keep silence until he can as close to perfectly as possible express his thoughts in words.
Jongin feels it though, he notices it in the smaller things no one told him about love.
When it’s early, like all their days tend to be, Junmyeon will save waking him up for last, because favoritism like that isn’t something anyone would resent him for.
When it’s late enough that it’s early, like all their days are, Junmyeon will sit beside him in the back of the van and draw slow circles with his thumb into the center of Jongin’s palm. It prompts zero conversation and Jongin even wondered if it was supposed to mean something else in the beginning. He understands better now, though. Junmyeon would rather be touching him than not, and it’s not any use to try and make conversation in a van filled with other people, and sometimes, things are just that simple.
Sometimes, usually, when Jongin’s running late and stumbling back into his room after a haphazard shower, he’ll find that his bed’s already been made. As if anyone else would do that for him, as if any of them even care about made beds. It makes him smile, laugh to himself, because Junmyeon doesn’t tend to make his own bed, but it matters to him to make Jongin’s.
It’s not a rare occurrence for Jongin to open the fridge at 11pm despite his better judgment and find a small box with his name on it. Sometimes it’s a small cake, sometimes pudding, sometimes cookies, even though Junmyeon pretty much never lets himself eat any of those things. It says a lot for his self control, but more to how much Junmyeon must care, to buy temptation into his hands just to make Jongin smile. He isn’t even there most of the time when Jongin devours the sweets by himself at the kitchen table late at night, but Jongin hopes Junmyeon knows how much joy he’s learning he can have in this life.
The thing is, while all of this is sweet, it isn’t so out of the ordinary from the Junmyeon that Jongin already knows. Maybe a handful heavier because these actions can’t be interpreted as anything but romantic where they used to be more ambiguous, but it hasn’t been such a huge change that Jongin’s put into a spin by it.
He’s spinning because he can’t stop freefalling into Junmyeon, caught completely in his orbit. His world moves another stumble sideways every day that he wakes to Junmyeon’s smiling face, but he realizes now how much it’s always been like this.
Junmyeon would set himself on fire just to keep Jongin warm. He wouldn’t say a thing about it, either, because that’s just the way he is, that’s just the brand of love he holds for Jongin.
Wow. Wow. How could anyone feel that way about him? It’s just him, it’s just boring, shy, quiet Kim Jongin, and Junmyeon is Junmyeon. He is so beloved by so many, he is so kind, he deserves so much happiness and so much success, and it speaks so much to his character that everyone feels the same way about him. Jongin has been there to witness in person the moment when people fall in love with the brightness of Junmyeon’s smile, the way they let Junmyeon settle into their hearts, because they know he will be kind and sweet and good to them--Jongin knows the look well, he’s certainly seen it enough in the mirror.
This is how Jongin learns quickly and efficiently that love is not something to just hold and keep and bask in. It is a choice, an everyday choice of giving without any expectation of return. How many years has Junmyeon been at this already? Jongin hesitates to really think about how long Junmyeon’s been indulging him, spoiling him, sitting with him in the practice room late into the night just to be a shoulder to rest on even though Jongin never asked and Junmyeon could’ve used the extra sleep. He’s scared to face evidence in hindsight of the moments, months, god forbid years of Junmyeon’s affection that Jongin couldn’t appreciate when they were offered.
“I wouldn’t be here without you,” Jongin whispers into Junmyeon’s ear late into the night, half-hoping Junmyeon’s already asleep.
“I would think so, I drive you around enough,” Junmyeon mumbles back, sleepy but closer to awake. His fingertips trail up from Jongin’s tailbone and Jongin sighs, nudging his nose closer to Junmyeon’s pulse, breathing him in. He wants Junmyeon to fill up the space between his bones, wrap around his nerves, build up his body the way he’s held together Jongin’s heart for so many years, without Jongin even realizing.
Jongin thinks that there must be better words out there to express love. But the poets and authors of the world likely got to them first, so he sticks with what’s simple. It seems to make Junmyeon smile enough anyway, and the way he looks at Jongin in those moments--
“I want to do everything you want,” Jongin offers, clumsy about it. But Junmyeon just smiles because he seems to understand Jongin especially when Jongin’s not making sense, which seems to be a lot these days.
“We’re already doing everything I want.”
“You should dream bigger, hyung.”
Junmyeon laughs, a soft rumble to his chest that makes Jongin dig his fingers deeper into Junmyeon’s side, encompassing him. “Can I tell you something cheesy?”
“Literally everything you tell me is cheesy.”
Junmyeon ignores him. “I know it’s stupid and embarrassing, but it’d be nice if you told me you like me again.”
“That is stupid,” Jongin says, face buried in Junmyeon’s neck and heart bursting in his throat, “you know I don’t just like you.”
Junmyeon likes simplicity in his romance. Jongin doesn’t have to worry about complicated events or unspoken expectations--Junmyeon likes to be loved simply, wholly, no frills, and Jongin has that to give in spades and bucketfuls and oceans.
“You know what Chanyeol-hyung said to me one time?”
“What?”
Jongin pushes up, body heavy with warmth, falling forward until the tip of his nose is touching Junmyeon’s. He looks at him, wondering how Junmyeon’s turned on all the light in his life, so bright he can’t see anything else.
“He said I’m a trillion and thirty-two percent in love with you.”
Junmyeon laughs again, sliding both of his palms up the expanse of Jongin’s back. It makes Jongin arch more into him, a soft sigh ghosting over Junmyeon’s lips. “Is he right?”
“It’s probably the only thing he’s ever been right about,” Jongin grumbles, biting his lip until Junmyeon rescues it with a kiss.
---
What if he falls out of love with me? I’m just me, Junmyeon used to think.
Then he found a small stack of thin green notebooks under his bed one day, stacked neatly from oldest to newest from bottom to top. He didn’t mean to snoop, it was just that they were titled things like Concert Choreography and Lyric Ideas and they were under his bed and how was he supposed to know that Jongin keeps diaries?
He flips through the books to random pages, random entries, but finds one thing the same:
May 22, 2012
Sehunnie asked me what Junmyeon-hyung would want but I definitely told him the second best idea so I could keep the best one for myself, and I am so sure hyung liked mine better
June 8, 2012
Our schedule is so hard and I don’t know if I want to do anything more than sleep, but Junmyeon-hyung’s probably more exhausted than all of us. I don’t know how he manages all this insanity
December 4, 2012
Junmyeon-hyung was so ridiculous today when he
January 15, 2013
I wonder if anyone saw how long Junmyeon-hyung and I hugged today. I don’t know why I even did that but I guess I don’t want everyone to keep thinking I don’t want to be close to him because that’s not it
July 28, 2013
Today Junmyeon-hyung
September 3, 2013
I didn’t mean to make Junmyeon-hyung mad but I hate it when he spoils the members so much. Doesn’t he realize they don’t appreciate him enough with
December 25, 2013
Junmyeon-hyung got me this amazing
May 14, 2014
There’s nothing I could give Junmyeon-hyung for his birthday that would make this better
September 22, 2014
I wish all of this could just be easier for Junmyeon-hyung, it’s not fair he
January 1, 2015
Kim Jongin, fighting! Exo, fighting! One more year of doing my best and I’ll help Junmyeon-hyung with the
April 3, 2015
I wish I could tell Junmyeon-hyung that I’ll be with him no matter what, but how does that come out without sounding weird?
July 10, 2015
Junmyeon-hyung is probably the best thing that’s happened in a long time
August 3, 2015
Chanyeol-hyung says I’m in love and I don’t know how to tell him he’s right
September 19, 2015
Junmyeon-hyung kissed me and I read on naver that if kisses feel that good to you then you’re really fucked about someone. I think I’m okay with being
Junmyeon takes a deep breath, closing the newest notebook, needing to just sit for a bit. Process, process. He wants to laugh but he feels like crying too, because he didn’t really believe deep down that Jongin’s been thinking as much of him as Junmyeon has of Jongin all these years. He was happy to do it, give without receiving, but he just hadn’t seen what Jongin was feeling. Jongin hides it well.
The door to his room opens as he opens the notebook again, wanting to check the latest entries.
“Uhhhh...” Jongin says, locking the door behind him once he sees what Junmyeon’s got in his hands. “Those aren’t diaries.”
“Did I say anything?” Junmyeon teases, not quite able to meet Jongin’s eyes. He will, but not right now, not until he’s sure his eyes aren’t wet.
Jongin pauses, staring at how hard Junmyeon’s got one fist clenched. “You don’t have to read it,” he blurts out, falling toward Junmyeon just as he always has all these years, “I can tell you what they say.”
Junmyeon closes the notebook in his lap, looking up at Jongin with a smile that could light up all of Seoul after dark. “Tell me.”
Jongin slowly kneels between Junmyeon’s legs and circles his arms around Junmyeon’s neck, fingers lost in Junmyeon’s hair, pulling him down. He kisses Junmyeon the way he always feels it--like it’s the last breath he’ll take, the first and last thing he always wants, like the way Junmyeon kisses him every day. Jongin hopes Junmyeon can feel the unbearable weight of the love he carries; it’s heavy and meant to be shared.
He parts his lips when Junmyeon asks it of him with his hands and mouth, a breathy moan of Junmyeon’s name all he can manage. Junmyeon’s mouth is hot and his tongue is slick; Jongin drinks him in greedily, world whirling about, crippled by want. When Junmyeon’s fingers cup open his jaw for a deeper kiss, Jongin drags him straight down to the floor even though the bed’s right there. He arches up, fire in his veins, needing more of him, a choked gasp ripped from his throat when Junmyeon’s teeth sink into his neck. His lips feel bruised enough to match his insides. He gives as much as Junmyeon does, but only because he’s selfish and wants to take more.
Jongin cradles him between his legs, in his arms, at his center, all around him--there’s nowhere else he could stand Junmyeon to be.
So Junmyeon doesn’t worry about Jongin falling out of love with him anymore. It’s so much more than words; it’s written everywhere in who Jongin is.
---
“Are you going to watch the movie or just keep staring at me?”
“I know what I’m doing.”
Junmyeon lobs a piece of popcorn at him. “You’re gonna regret not watching this one.”
Jongin crosses his arms. “I’ve made my choice.”
Junmyeon abandons the movie before the opening credits even start. He wraps Jongin up in his arms, kisses him breathless, grinning to feel how much Jongin’s smiling against his mouth.
“Why do we even try to have movie nights with them around?” Sehun complains.
---
i would try to convince you with words about how otp they are
but they're doing fine on their own 8))))
as always, thanks for reading ♥
suho/kai
pg-13
junmyeon lights jongin up on the inside.
---
Junmyeon interprets everything Jongin does as close friendship and Jongin understands all of Junmyeon as favoritism. Love is different to different people and it looks different on different people.
It just so happens that on their faces, it looks exactly the same.
---
It started off a long time ago as concentration, the need to make sure he heard correctly and followed directions. But honestly, these days, Jongin stares lasers into Junmyeon’s face because he bloody well can, and even if everyone in his life and on the internet likes to tease him for it with copious amounts of photographic evidence to back it up, Jongin can’t say he’s even ashamed. Or that he’s going to stop.
Seriously, why would he? The great beings above gifted them with Junmyeon’s radiance to bask in and saw fit to give Jongin eyeballs with which to witness. So he witnesses, intensely, because holy shit Junmyeon is so handsome, he is so freaking good looking, and he’s so nice too, the real kind of nice that can’t be faked. Despite all the hardship that tears at him and the mask he puts on that he sometimes forgets how to take off, the kindness always shines through. People are drawn to him for a reason. That sort of warmth doesn’t come around all that often and Jongin knows it too. He may be slow on the uptake, he may be in denial a lot of the time too, but he knows when he’s found a good thing.
Junmyeon is a good thing. A great thing, even if he does crack horrible awful cringey jokes that make Jongin’s extremities want to shrivel up.
Plus, he’s so generous with his money, and he buys me my favorite chicken all the time. It’s like he really deeply understands me because he knows all my favori
“You are a trillion and thirty-two percent in love with him,” Chanyeol informs kindly, bent over Jongin from behind. He only happened to wander into the bedroom for his phone charger but found Jongin hunched over his desk and furiously scribbling into a notebook--diary??--instead.
“Ah, Chanyeol-hyung!! It’s rude to read other people’s things!” Jongin scowls, covering his writing with his arms like a ten-year-old trying to hide plans for his science fair project.
“I wouldn’t have read it if I knew you were writing a diary entry.”
Jongin’s scowl deepens. He is not embarrassed! He’s just...a private person! “It’s not a diary, I’m just collating my thoughts into one coherent area--”
“Dear diary,” Chanyeol says, putting on his sing-song voice and clasping his hands to the center of his chest, “today Junmyeon-hyung looked in my direction--”
“Oh my god, shut up!!” Jongin cries, “I told you it’s not---”
“-and he was like, ‘oh Jongin, how tall you’ve grown, let me circle you with my muscular arms--”
“It isn’t even like that--”
“-and mash my mouth to your mouth--”
“I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH JUNMYEON-HYUNG!!” Jongin explodes, and he wouldn’t say shriek but other people might, but it was definitely more of a manly yell in his mind. His face is the temperature of magma and probably the same color, too. Breathe, Jongin. The huge huffs and puffs of your chest just make you look guiltier.
“Oh, hey hyung,” Chanyeol says, ripping Jongin’s attention from eyeballing murder onto Chanyeol’s face to the bedroom door instead.
Sehun’s smug smirk is there to greet him. That’s bad enough, but it’s so much worse that a bewildered, confused Junmyeon is standing there with him, bubble tea in one hand and a container of chicken in the other, a strange expression on his face that’s extremely difficult to read.
Jongin’s breath catches in his chest. Breathe, Jongin. The fact that you stopped confirms your guilt. He whips his eyes back to Chanyeol, narrowing them in accusation. You asshole, he sends, hoping his visual rage is apparent enough that Chanyeol can hear him in his head.
Chanyeol, for all his faux apologetic pouts, seems completely unfazed. He pats Jongin on the head before tugging Sehun off with him, leaving Jongin standing there with his diar--his notebook--clutched protectively to his chest.
“Uh,” Jongin says intelligently.
“That was weird,” Junmyeon says, shrugging one shoulder, half a smile on his face. He’s not meeting Jongin’s eyes though, a sign of discomfort that Jongin’s learned to read in the near decade they’ve known each other. “Um...what were you guys even talking about?”
“Nothing!” Jongin rushes to say, “I wasn’t even...we weren’t even talking…”
Junmyeon does look at him now, but it’s with arched eyebrows and a small twist to his mouth that lets Jongin know he doesn’t believe him for a second. Jongin’s not lying, he really wasn’t having a conversation with Chanyeol so much as he was trying to keep his pride in one piece. He doesn’t like not telling Junmyeon the whole truth, but the whole truth isn’t even something Jongin can properly piece together himself for self-admittance. There isn’t anything to tell if Jongin doesn’t have any grasp of it.
“Alright, well,” Junmyeon says, sidestepping Jongin’s words entirely, “I got you some food while I was out with Sehunnie.”
He seems uncertain about it now though, only half holding it out in Jongin’s direction, looking at it like it might’ve gone bad.
You stupid motherfucker, Jongin swears at himself in his head, two bright spots of pink to his cheeks. He moves towards Junmyeon immediately, shoulders hunched inward, head a little ducked as he takes the small box with both hands. Oh god, it smells so good. It’s obviously his favorite chicken from that cornerside restaurant a few streets down, his favorite since before they debuted. The one with the cute cat outside that Jongin used to stare at as it rubbed its head into Junmyeon’s palm when Junmyeon would inevitably lavish it with attention. The one Junmyeon’s been buying him chicken from ever since he figured out that Jongin likes theirs best, without prompting or coaxing, without expectation of anything in return, because he’s really a wonderful, wonderful friend.
“Thank you,” Jongin says quietly, fingers clasped tight around both sides of the container. He swallows, hoping his face isn’t a painting of guilt as he looks up again at Junmyeon’s face.
It would be so bad if Junmyeon thought that Jongin was in love with him. They have to work together and they’re such good friends and it’d make everything so weird.
“You’re welcome,” Junmyeon says. He gives Jongin a smile that doesn’t really sit well on his face, and then he’s gone that quickly even though Junmyeon usually lingers with him just to talk about nothing.
It would be infinitely worse if Junmyeon thought that Jongin wasn’t in love with him, though.
Because he is.
---
“Oh woah, you got chicken?” Baekhyun asks him, flopping down next to him on the sofa. Jongin pulls the container a bit more protectively to his body. He would eat it but he currently has no motor control in his arm since most of his energy is being focused on not falling down to the ground in a helpless, pathetic, weepy mess. “When did you go out for chicken??”
“Junmyeon-hyung got it for me,” Jongin mumbles. Oh god, don’t cry, Baekhyun will mock you until you’re dead and in the ground.
“What!!” Baekhyun exclaims, crowding closer, fingers poised like a crane game claw ready for a prize, “he didn’t get any for the rest of us! You’re so lucky you’re his favorite, I mean I could use free chicke-- dude, you okay? Jongin? Hey, what’s wrong, are you okay??”
---
“I fucked up,” Jongin says, all his words muffled as he suffocates himself into his pillow. He’s facedown in it; he hopes he really suffocates and dies. It would be the kinder way to live.
Taemin’s sigh is so loud over the phone that Jongin almost feels the gush of air in his ear. “I’m sure he doesn’t think you mean it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Jongin complains, groaning, “if he thought I didn’t mean it, then he’d think that I totally was in love with him, and then he’d say something about it, wouldn’t he?”
The desperation in his voice is pretty interesting. Jongin never thought he’d sound this desperate about anything.
“You sound so desperate right now,” Taemin tells him happily, “maybe he does believe you then, maybe he thinks you’re totally straight and not into him at all that way and he’s upset about it because he thought he had a chance with you.”
“You’re such an asshole. Don’t you know best friends are supposed to support each other when one is having a crisis, not make fun of them for it?”
“It’s only a crisis if you don’t do anything about it,” Taemin says, and he sounds the way people do when they’re beyond the last line of their patience but struggling not to show it. “And Jongin? Dude, seriously? As your best friend through all these years of you knowing him, you really haven’t ever done anything about it.”
“What am I even supposed to do, though?” Jongin asks miserably, curling up into a ball in his bed, “it’s not like it’d change anything, I mean it’s not like he’s interested in me that way.”
“You sure about that?”
“No!?” Jongin demands, “but I don’t want to live with false hope either!”
And to that, Taemin is uncharacteristically silent. He doesn’t say anything for a while but Jongin doesn’t push for a reply, needing truly thoughtful advice more than anything.
“I think he’s the leader, and you’re the magnae he can’t reach a lot,” Taemin eventually says.
Indignation wells in Jongin’s chest almost instantly. “I’m just as close to him as Sehunnie,” he says defensively, “just because we don’t room toge--
“That’s not what I meant!” Taemin sighs again, long suffering and tired. Good lord, sometimes talking to Jongin is like witnessing the first split of prehistoric amoeba. “Maybe you need to touch base? I mean, talking is talking, but have you really talked to him lately and listened?”
Jongin groans again, wanting to drown in a pool of misery and self-pity. “Listen to what, Taemin?”
“How he feels, dumbhead.”
About you, Taemin doesn’t say, but he’s sure Jongin will figure that out, even if it’s later rather than sooner.
---
Taemin isn’t so far off. Actually, no one is, because Junmyeon’s fairly obvious about his feelings and he’s not that invested in trying to obfuscate them. If obvious is obvious, maybe he has a chance of getting what he really wants, right?
Except, obvious has the very clear downside of obvious rejection as well, and this one caught him a little off guard. A lot off guard. He didn’t think Jongin would feel so strongly about not feeling strongly about him. It hurts, stings like a real fucker right down deep in the center of his chest, but at least then he knows for sure that it’s been love all along.
“Hyung…” Sehun says, his sleepy eyes filled with concern.
“Ah, Sehun-ah, I’m fine!” Junmyeon insists, tensing up where he’s sitting in bed. Was it showing on his face again? Is it really so obvious? Sehun’s staring at him like he 100% doesn’t believe him, fingers picking at his covers. “Seriously, it’s not a big deal, it’s not like I thought it’d go anywhere anyway.”
But you’ve been in love with him for so long, Sehun thinks. “But you wanted it to, didn’t you?” he asks instead, because Junmyeon might be his favorite hyung ever, if only because he’s built of kindness and forgiveness like this. Sehun wants him to have everything he wants because Junmyeon always tries to give that to the rest of them without mind to money or time or personal limitations.
It’s just hard when he has no control of another person’s actions. Especially someone as free as Kim Jongin.
“Failure is just a sign that the next step is ahead,” Junmyeon says sagely, undoubtedly quoting one of those self-improvement books he likes to read so much. “Don’t worry, Sehun-ah. But thank you for worrying all the same.”
Yeah, of course Sehun worries. Junmyeon is probably the most mentally exhausted out of all of them at most times purely due to his role as leader and Exo’s mouthpiece. He usually falls asleep within minutes, before Sehun’s even done rearranging his pillows and blankets sometimes. Tonight, Sehun gets to listen to Junmyeon read, quiet, slow turns of paper in the stillness of night, and he wonders if Jongin’s awake too, kept up by the feeling of something important brushing close and passing by.
---
A few of them have imagined the eventual meeting of Junmyeon and Jongin’s feelings for each other, but none of them could’ve imagined it would turn out as awkwardly as it has. Junmyeon is too passive with Jongin like he always has been but Jongin is too shy to push, even when it matters, so they remain in parallel, forever within sight but never destined to touch.
“Oh my god...I am so miserable,” Jongin comments one night at dinner, chopsticks halfway to his mouth. The lump of rice he had on it promptly falls into his lap and he doesn’t even go to retrieve it, letting Chanyeol sigh at him before taking care of it for him.
“Can't you just talk to him?” Kyungsoo bargains, “we know you’re marinating in your own feelings but there’s no need to carry on like this.”
“He’s just upset that Junmyeon-hyung’s been avoiding him,” Sehun mumbles, unflinching to Jongin’s scathing glare, “he deserves it though, I mean who yells something like that so loud and expects the other person not to take it badly?”
“So he is avoiding me?” Ugh, that desperation again. Jongin cringes just to hear himself sound like that.
If Sehun says Junmyeon is avoiding him though, it must be true. There's no point in getting jealous over their closeness but Jongin's stomach is sour with envy nonetheless. How different things could've been, then, if he had been Junmyeon's only roommate from the start.
“Take it from me, who's known him the longest only after you," Chanyeol says, pointing his chopsticks at Jongin, "he wouldn't avoid you if he didn't care about you."
"But how do I talk about that?" Jongin puzzles, twisting a napkin to shreds in his nervous hands, "I mean, how would you start that conversation?"
To that question, no one has a real answer. A group of 4 boys huddled together over a sizzling grill, hidden from prying eyes and curious ears in a private room, clearly no better at words now than when they were 13. For Jongin, who's always been pretty direct and succinct with his thoughts, especially with Junmyeon, this is a real, living hell. His well of words always seems to run dry when he needs it most, and he needs it most for Junmyeon.
Because Junmyeon means the most.
---
“Sehun-ah, it’s up to you.”
Sehun pouts at Chanyeol, who’s currently got hands cupping both his shoulders, a grip full of request and importance. “Why do I have to do it?” He was just innocently on his way to the shower, marveling at the beauty of how swishy his new haircut is, and Chanyeol had to intercept and accost him with a mission!
“Because it’s important and they’ll both get married and divorced and be knee deep in bank loans before they get around to admitting they like each other to each other!” Chanyeol cries, giving Sehun a gentle shake.
“Hyung, I don’t think it’s good to meddle…”
“It’s not meddling if it helps. That’s just helping.”
Sehun considers this. It sounds...full of truth. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nods, conviction growing, wanting nothing but the best for two of his bestest friends. After all, if they can’t have beautiful swishy hair like he does, they at least deserve to properly be in love.
“What’s the plan?”
---
It's a handful of minutes past midnight and Jongin is contemplating the merits of throwing himself out of a living room window when Sehun waltzes in with an exasperated Junmyeon in tow.
"But it's so late--
"Better so no one can recognize us!" Sehun interrupts, fingers wrapped around Junmyeon's thin wrist in an inarguable claw, "here, put on your mask and a hat." He turns to Jongin, who's currently attempting to appear as if he hasn't been facedown in the sofa for the past twenty minutes. "You want to come with us, Jongin? Hyung's getting me bubble tea."
"You could at least pretend you like me for me than my money," Junmyeon teases, mostly sighs, exasperation at previously unseen levels.
"I'm sure Jonginnie likes you for much more than your money," Sehun says casually, and Jongin's mouth drops open like he's lost a screw in the hinge of his jaw, "isn't that a good balance, Junmyeon-hyung? Magnae line combined is like the best magnae you could imagine."
"Oh, lord." Junmyeon rolls his eyes but there, he’s blushing, and that's a Junmyeon smile pulling at his lips, eyes soft and fond. Jongin can barely stand to look at it in all its brilliance and it isn't even aimed at him. "Would you like to come, Jongin-ah?"
Jongin doesn't need to be asked again. He's off the sofa in a flash, fingers tugging self-consciously at his shirt, an attempt to smooth out wrinkles.
It's been nearly two weeks since Junmyeon's asked him to do something social that doesn't pertain to work, and although this was driven by Sehun, Jongin will take it. Junmyeon is at least smiling at him again. Even if it hasn't lost that slightly nervous twinge at the sides yet, Jongin is just glad to be close.
They pile into the car and Junmyeon takes over driving duties as a good hyung should, and while Jongin’s debating whether it’d be too obvious for him to sit in the passenger seat to be near him, Sehun makes the decision for him by shoving him into it. This isn’t exactly a place that Jongin’s never been but he’s been hyperaware of Junmyeon lately. His hyung has always been unfairly handsome but has it always been on this level of tragically unbearable? Just gutting, totally unfair, not so anonymous hit-and-run on Jongin’s poor, infatuated heart.
Sehun fills the car up with smalltalk that Jongin finds easy to banter with, knees pushed up against the back of Jongin’s seat. While that would usually elicit a smart remark or two from him, Jongin decides not to tonight, too grateful for Sehun’s interference in the tension he’s been having with Junmyeon.
Sehun’s sensitive to these things. He’s a good kid, he knows the situation well, and he genuinely does want to help, even if he does troll everyone a little along the way.
They drive to a bubble tea place out of the primary bustle of the city core, out of the way enough to net them a bit of privacy. Junmyeon lets them pick and do the talking but it’s his cash that they spend and Jongin’s stomach gets all gooey when their fingers brush as cash changes hands. Junmyeon looks at him when it happens, just a quick catch of their eyes, but his expression is one that Jongin lives for endless minutes.
“It’s been a while since you’ve gotten bubble tea with each other, right??” Sehun asks. The question is totally innocent but it’s so unnecessary and out of place--Jongin barely manages to refrain from cringing. Sehun’s a good kid but oh god subtlety is not his forte.
“Yeah, I can’t really remember the last time,” Junmyeon replies, ever kind and hyung-like. He turns to Jongin with a smile and all that sunshine suddenly pinpoints on Jongin and his furiously thumping heart. “I usually take Jonginnie out for chicken, right?”
Internally shrieking, Jongin nods. “The honey glaze kind.”
“Sometimes with garlic though, if you’re in a particularly whiny mood!”
“Hyung!! When am I whiny?”
“Most of the time, Jongin-ah.”
“I’m not whiny!” Jongin whines, insides quivering at the happy grin on Junmyeon’s face. They feel normal again, it’s better, they just needed to break the ice--
“Wow how about you guys just start dating already,” Sehun suggests.
Jongin stiffly turns to gape at him, neck creaking with tension. Junmyeon clears his throat awkwardly and almost kicks at the ground but figures that would make things too obvious.
Although, Sehun notes with little surprise, neither of them denies the idea, or each other.
“Anyway…” Jongin delicately plants into the renewed awkward silence, “Um...should we head back?” He shoots Junmyeon a quick look, not really wanting him to say yes.
Even if it’s awkward, even if it’s mostly silent, at least they can be together.
Junmyeon looks at Jongin and then at Sehun, torn between what he wants and what he should say. Jongin’s been really weird around him lately and he chalked it up to the awkward interaction they had a couple of weeks ago but his heart’s been on a rampage, reading into Jongin’s behavior the way it wants. It seems pretty much like Jongin’s got a huge crush on him. He did believe that a few years back, when Jongin was really sweet on him in private, but Jongin also grew up pretty fast and grew out of holding his hand. That was okay, for a while. Junmyeon could still hug him and do fanservice in concerts and stuff. But now, as they get older and Jongin only gets harder to look away from, all Junmyeon wants is more. More of Jongin. All of Jongin.
He doesn’t realize how intensely he’s staring until Sehun suddenly cuts in, making Junmyeon and Jongin jump at the same time. Well...at least Junmyeon wasn’t the only one staring. See, it’s the little things like this that get his hopes up--it seems so much like Jongin might be interested in him that way, because why else would two guys stare at each other like that and get lost in it? But Jongin had insisted so emphatically to Chanyeol the other day...and Junmyeon’s too damn careful to venture out of clear comfort boundaries.
"Hello?" Sehun says, talking way too unnaturally loud into his phone, "oh, Chanyeol-hyung?! What, you need me to listen to the new song you just played by chance on the guitar and no one else is available?! Okay, I'll be right there!"
He puts his phone down, smile undimmed by the twin looks of bewilderment being shot at him.
"Sorry guys, there’s an emergency I have to see to, so I’m gonna take the car.”
“What?” Junmyeon asks, bewilderment growing, “can’t we just drive back together?”
“No, I have to go now. Chanyeol-hyung really needs me!”
“So we can go now--”
“No no no,” Sehun interrupts, waving his hands about in front of him, “you guys should enjoy your drinks together! I don’t want to drag you into my responsibilities…”
“...How are we supposed to get back?” Jongin asks, caught between shaking Sehun by the shoulders for being so obvious and kissing him for being such a great bro.
“I don’t know, cab it?” Sehun fishes the car keys out of Junmyeon’s jeans pocket, grinning at Jongin like the mad genius he is. “Or take a bus, I hear buses at night can be romantic.”
He’s off with a wave to Junmyeon and a really undisguised wink at Jongin, making both of them squirm where they stand. Jongin’s got a bubble tea cupped in his hand that now tastes like sandpaper and Junmyeon is really preoccupied with staring at the empty space where the car just was, as if trying to conjure it again.
“So…” Junmyeon says eventually, motioning for them to walk when it becomes clear that Sehun isn't coming back, “that wasn’t the apex of subtlety.”
Jongin huffs with laughter. “I don’t think he was going for subtle.”
"No. But what do you think he was going for?"
"Uh, well. I- I guess to get us to talk. Motivate one of us by force or something."
Junmyeon smiles at him, so warmly, like he’s feeling nothing but happiness. Jongin desperately hopes that that’s true. “Who do you think he did all that for then, you or me?”
“Um…” Jongin replies, hesitant to go too far. Junmyeon wouldn’t ask if he didn’t want a real answer though, and it’s too obvious by now that things aren’t normal--thanks a lot Oh Sehun--so Jongin takes a step in the direction he wants, hoping Junmyeon can meet him halfway. “I think mostly for me. But, um, maybe…” He looks at Junmyeon fleetingly, looks away at literally everything else, then forces himself to look back, burning cheeks and all. “Maybe for you, too?”
Junmyeon blinks at him, clearly surprised. The shock on his face makes Jongin’s stomach cramp, but before he can backpedal, Junmyeon turns completely red, just lights up with it, mouth pulling sideways between a grin and a grimace.
“I suppose I’m not a paragon of subtlety either,” Junmyeon admits, laughing and still wearing that pretty blush. "To be honest, I thought Sehunnie really was doing all this for me. It's what I wanted."
Jongin has never been more in love. He can’t breathe with it, it’s caught between all his ribs and filled up both his lungs.
“It’s okay, I mean,” Jongin says, marbles in his mouth, “I- I like it. You.”
“Me,” Junmyeon repeats.
“Yeah, uh, I like you.”
“That’s good,” Junmyeon muses. He watches as Jongin fiddles with his hair and then pulls at his shirt and then swishes his bubble tea around, fingers restless. “Hey, I like you too.” He bites back a laugh when Jongin makes an incredibly ambiguous noise, but Jongin’s also staring straight up at the sky and clearly trying (and failing) not to smile, so Junmyeon feels okay about that. He feels great about that. “Jongin-ah, you’re blushing.”
Jongin laughs quietly, feeling as light and far away as all the twinkling stars in the endless ceiling above. “Yeah, I know.”
“Hey, can you hold something for me?” Junmyeon digs around in his pocket and holds his enclosed fist out, smile warm once Jongin finally, shyly turns to him again, eyes so dark and so bright.
Jongin holds his hand out, worried it’ll be some sort of coupon for honey-glazed chicken. Junmyeon probably really has been trying to woo him with chicken in all the years they’ve known each other--it’s suddenly so obvious to Jongin that it never could’ve been anything else.
But it’s worse than a coupon. Junmyeon opens his empty fist, clasps his hand on top of Jongin’s outstretched one instead, and he’s grinning like he’s so proud of himself for having pulled that off. Jongin bursts out laughing and he’s red to the roots of his hair and he’s so dazzled by how incredibly lame and wonderful and easy to love his hyung is. He’s too shy to have reached out to hold hands himself but he has no qualms about holding Junmyeon’s hand now that it’s already there. Junmyeon entwines their fingers together and Jongin almost bounces to the balls of his feet, he’s just so happy, and he pulls his face mask up, not wanting other people to see. Not the fact that it’s them or that they’re famous or that they’re holding hands the way they are, but because Junmyeon’s lighting him up from the inside, and that’s all his own to bask in.
---
A block away from the apartment, Junmyeon lets go of Jongin’s hand. It’s the responsible thing to do but he isn’t happy about it, but he is very happy that the moment he pulls away, Jongin turns to look at him, like Junmyeon’s the only thing he wants to be seeing.
They’d only been walking in silence. It was nice, just holding hands and walking. Or maybe that’s really insignificant and boring, but it doesn’t feel that way because Junmyeon had Jongin with him as he did it, and there’s nothing as exquisite as being with the one you love.
“Oh wow, did you guys go for a movie or something?” Sehun asks as soon as they get back in. “You were gone for a long time.”
“Someone abandoned us so we had to walk back,” Junmyeon explains, rolling his eyes. He smiles at Jongin though, like they have a secret.
“You didn’t have to walk, I told you buses are more romantic anyway.”
“Yeah, but walking’s even more romantic than that,” Junmyeon says. He’s grinning now and Sehun starts to laugh, mostly at how deeply red Jongin’s face can get.
For Jongin, who feels as stable as a dried-out leaf in a tropical hurricane, all of this is too much like a dream. He’s so sure he’s dreamt of this before. He knows he’s wished for this before when blowing out candles on top of his birthday cakes. If he’d known that that shit actually works, he would’ve made sure to wish for a bigger paycheck. Ah well, maybe next birthday--he’s wanted Junmyeon for as long as he can remember wanting anything, and now that he has everything he wants, what else would he wish for, anyway?
---
He's thought of it before, how he and Junmyeon could sit and pretend to watch TV together at crazy o'clock in the morning, a normal, wonderful romance like all the other couples. Now that he’s really here, he realizes there’s really no such thing as normal--it’s love, that synonym for insanity, and with 24/7 celebrity piled on top of it, there will never be anything average about their relationship.
But Junmyeon does try for the magical mundane romance. He doesn’t talk about it because Junmyeon is a man of action whereas Jongin tends to keep silence until he can as close to perfectly as possible express his thoughts in words.
Jongin feels it though, he notices it in the smaller things no one told him about love.
When it’s early, like all their days tend to be, Junmyeon will save waking him up for last, because favoritism like that isn’t something anyone would resent him for.
When it’s late enough that it’s early, like all their days are, Junmyeon will sit beside him in the back of the van and draw slow circles with his thumb into the center of Jongin’s palm. It prompts zero conversation and Jongin even wondered if it was supposed to mean something else in the beginning. He understands better now, though. Junmyeon would rather be touching him than not, and it’s not any use to try and make conversation in a van filled with other people, and sometimes, things are just that simple.
Sometimes, usually, when Jongin’s running late and stumbling back into his room after a haphazard shower, he’ll find that his bed’s already been made. As if anyone else would do that for him, as if any of them even care about made beds. It makes him smile, laugh to himself, because Junmyeon doesn’t tend to make his own bed, but it matters to him to make Jongin’s.
It’s not a rare occurrence for Jongin to open the fridge at 11pm despite his better judgment and find a small box with his name on it. Sometimes it’s a small cake, sometimes pudding, sometimes cookies, even though Junmyeon pretty much never lets himself eat any of those things. It says a lot for his self control, but more to how much Junmyeon must care, to buy temptation into his hands just to make Jongin smile. He isn’t even there most of the time when Jongin devours the sweets by himself at the kitchen table late at night, but Jongin hopes Junmyeon knows how much joy he’s learning he can have in this life.
The thing is, while all of this is sweet, it isn’t so out of the ordinary from the Junmyeon that Jongin already knows. Maybe a handful heavier because these actions can’t be interpreted as anything but romantic where they used to be more ambiguous, but it hasn’t been such a huge change that Jongin’s put into a spin by it.
He’s spinning because he can’t stop freefalling into Junmyeon, caught completely in his orbit. His world moves another stumble sideways every day that he wakes to Junmyeon’s smiling face, but he realizes now how much it’s always been like this.
Junmyeon would set himself on fire just to keep Jongin warm. He wouldn’t say a thing about it, either, because that’s just the way he is, that’s just the brand of love he holds for Jongin.
Wow. Wow. How could anyone feel that way about him? It’s just him, it’s just boring, shy, quiet Kim Jongin, and Junmyeon is Junmyeon. He is so beloved by so many, he is so kind, he deserves so much happiness and so much success, and it speaks so much to his character that everyone feels the same way about him. Jongin has been there to witness in person the moment when people fall in love with the brightness of Junmyeon’s smile, the way they let Junmyeon settle into their hearts, because they know he will be kind and sweet and good to them--Jongin knows the look well, he’s certainly seen it enough in the mirror.
This is how Jongin learns quickly and efficiently that love is not something to just hold and keep and bask in. It is a choice, an everyday choice of giving without any expectation of return. How many years has Junmyeon been at this already? Jongin hesitates to really think about how long Junmyeon’s been indulging him, spoiling him, sitting with him in the practice room late into the night just to be a shoulder to rest on even though Jongin never asked and Junmyeon could’ve used the extra sleep. He’s scared to face evidence in hindsight of the moments, months, god forbid years of Junmyeon’s affection that Jongin couldn’t appreciate when they were offered.
“I wouldn’t be here without you,” Jongin whispers into Junmyeon’s ear late into the night, half-hoping Junmyeon’s already asleep.
“I would think so, I drive you around enough,” Junmyeon mumbles back, sleepy but closer to awake. His fingertips trail up from Jongin’s tailbone and Jongin sighs, nudging his nose closer to Junmyeon’s pulse, breathing him in. He wants Junmyeon to fill up the space between his bones, wrap around his nerves, build up his body the way he’s held together Jongin’s heart for so many years, without Jongin even realizing.
Jongin thinks that there must be better words out there to express love. But the poets and authors of the world likely got to them first, so he sticks with what’s simple. It seems to make Junmyeon smile enough anyway, and the way he looks at Jongin in those moments--
“I want to do everything you want,” Jongin offers, clumsy about it. But Junmyeon just smiles because he seems to understand Jongin especially when Jongin’s not making sense, which seems to be a lot these days.
“We’re already doing everything I want.”
“You should dream bigger, hyung.”
Junmyeon laughs, a soft rumble to his chest that makes Jongin dig his fingers deeper into Junmyeon’s side, encompassing him. “Can I tell you something cheesy?”
“Literally everything you tell me is cheesy.”
Junmyeon ignores him. “I know it’s stupid and embarrassing, but it’d be nice if you told me you like me again.”
“That is stupid,” Jongin says, face buried in Junmyeon’s neck and heart bursting in his throat, “you know I don’t just like you.”
Junmyeon likes simplicity in his romance. Jongin doesn’t have to worry about complicated events or unspoken expectations--Junmyeon likes to be loved simply, wholly, no frills, and Jongin has that to give in spades and bucketfuls and oceans.
“You know what Chanyeol-hyung said to me one time?”
“What?”
Jongin pushes up, body heavy with warmth, falling forward until the tip of his nose is touching Junmyeon’s. He looks at him, wondering how Junmyeon’s turned on all the light in his life, so bright he can’t see anything else.
“He said I’m a trillion and thirty-two percent in love with you.”
Junmyeon laughs again, sliding both of his palms up the expanse of Jongin’s back. It makes Jongin arch more into him, a soft sigh ghosting over Junmyeon’s lips. “Is he right?”
“It’s probably the only thing he’s ever been right about,” Jongin grumbles, biting his lip until Junmyeon rescues it with a kiss.
---
What if he falls out of love with me? I’m just me, Junmyeon used to think.
Then he found a small stack of thin green notebooks under his bed one day, stacked neatly from oldest to newest from bottom to top. He didn’t mean to snoop, it was just that they were titled things like Concert Choreography and Lyric Ideas and they were under his bed and how was he supposed to know that Jongin keeps diaries?
He flips through the books to random pages, random entries, but finds one thing the same:
May 22, 2012
Sehunnie asked me what Junmyeon-hyung would want but I definitely told him the second best idea so I could keep the best one for myself, and I am so sure hyung liked mine better
June 8, 2012
Our schedule is so hard and I don’t know if I want to do anything more than sleep, but Junmyeon-hyung’s probably more exhausted than all of us. I don’t know how he manages all this insanity
December 4, 2012
Junmyeon-hyung was so ridiculous today when he
January 15, 2013
I wonder if anyone saw how long Junmyeon-hyung and I hugged today. I don’t know why I even did that but I guess I don’t want everyone to keep thinking I don’t want to be close to him because that’s not it
July 28, 2013
Today Junmyeon-hyung
September 3, 2013
I didn’t mean to make Junmyeon-hyung mad but I hate it when he spoils the members so much. Doesn’t he realize they don’t appreciate him enough with
December 25, 2013
Junmyeon-hyung got me this amazing
May 14, 2014
There’s nothing I could give Junmyeon-hyung for his birthday that would make this better
September 22, 2014
I wish all of this could just be easier for Junmyeon-hyung, it’s not fair he
January 1, 2015
Kim Jongin, fighting! Exo, fighting! One more year of doing my best and I’ll help Junmyeon-hyung with the
April 3, 2015
I wish I could tell Junmyeon-hyung that I’ll be with him no matter what, but how does that come out without sounding weird?
July 10, 2015
Junmyeon-hyung is probably the best thing that’s happened in a long time
August 3, 2015
Chanyeol-hyung says I’m in love and I don’t know how to tell him he’s right
September 19, 2015
Junmyeon-hyung kissed me and I read on naver that if kisses feel that good to you then you’re really fucked about someone. I think I’m okay with being
Junmyeon takes a deep breath, closing the newest notebook, needing to just sit for a bit. Process, process. He wants to laugh but he feels like crying too, because he didn’t really believe deep down that Jongin’s been thinking as much of him as Junmyeon has of Jongin all these years. He was happy to do it, give without receiving, but he just hadn’t seen what Jongin was feeling. Jongin hides it well.
The door to his room opens as he opens the notebook again, wanting to check the latest entries.
“Uhhhh...” Jongin says, locking the door behind him once he sees what Junmyeon’s got in his hands. “Those aren’t diaries.”
“Did I say anything?” Junmyeon teases, not quite able to meet Jongin’s eyes. He will, but not right now, not until he’s sure his eyes aren’t wet.
Jongin pauses, staring at how hard Junmyeon’s got one fist clenched. “You don’t have to read it,” he blurts out, falling toward Junmyeon just as he always has all these years, “I can tell you what they say.”
Junmyeon closes the notebook in his lap, looking up at Jongin with a smile that could light up all of Seoul after dark. “Tell me.”
Jongin slowly kneels between Junmyeon’s legs and circles his arms around Junmyeon’s neck, fingers lost in Junmyeon’s hair, pulling him down. He kisses Junmyeon the way he always feels it--like it’s the last breath he’ll take, the first and last thing he always wants, like the way Junmyeon kisses him every day. Jongin hopes Junmyeon can feel the unbearable weight of the love he carries; it’s heavy and meant to be shared.
He parts his lips when Junmyeon asks it of him with his hands and mouth, a breathy moan of Junmyeon’s name all he can manage. Junmyeon’s mouth is hot and his tongue is slick; Jongin drinks him in greedily, world whirling about, crippled by want. When Junmyeon’s fingers cup open his jaw for a deeper kiss, Jongin drags him straight down to the floor even though the bed’s right there. He arches up, fire in his veins, needing more of him, a choked gasp ripped from his throat when Junmyeon’s teeth sink into his neck. His lips feel bruised enough to match his insides. He gives as much as Junmyeon does, but only because he’s selfish and wants to take more.
Jongin cradles him between his legs, in his arms, at his center, all around him--there’s nowhere else he could stand Junmyeon to be.
So Junmyeon doesn’t worry about Jongin falling out of love with him anymore. It’s so much more than words; it’s written everywhere in who Jongin is.
---
“Are you going to watch the movie or just keep staring at me?”
“I know what I’m doing.”
Junmyeon lobs a piece of popcorn at him. “You’re gonna regret not watching this one.”
Jongin crosses his arms. “I’ve made my choice.”
Junmyeon abandons the movie before the opening credits even start. He wraps Jongin up in his arms, kisses him breathless, grinning to feel how much Jongin’s smiling against his mouth.
“Why do we even try to have movie nights with them around?” Sehun complains.
---
Click to viewi would try to convince you with words about how otp they are
but they're doing fine on their own 8))))
as always, thanks for reading ♥