call you my own (1/2)
call you my own
suho/kai
nc-17
some things take working up to.
---
It’s not like Jongin doesn’t understand the logistics of sex between two men-it’s the age of the internet, and it’s not like he’s so sheltered from the real world that he’s naïve to sex of all things. And besides, that ship sailed already…
It’s just also a bit different because it’s Junmyeon, and that’s something he doesn’t even know how to approach.
---
“Uh, so hyung,” Sehun says, shifting his weight restlessly from foot to foot. Junmyeon looks at him with an eyebrow raised, setting his book aside. For Sehun to interrupt his reading time…it must be something urgent.
“Did you want to go out for bubble tea?”
“No, that’s okay, Yixing-hyung is back,” Sehun says, totally innocently. Junmyeon laughs because he knows Sehun doesn’t mean it that way, that he’s backup or anything, but it’s just that they all love Yixing so much and he’s been so scarce lately and the magnae really loves his Yixing-hyung a great, big, happy bunch. Junmyeon doesn’t blame him. “I um…I know this is…awkward, at best. Shit,” Sehun curses, rubbing the back of his neck, “I know that you and Jonginnie have been together for a while and you’ve never asked anything of me, so I just want to say that it’s okay if you do. I mean I can sleep in another room--”
“Oh my god Sehun-ah--”
“-it’s really not a big deal to me,” Sehun blurts out, pink in the face. “I mean we’re all guys, and we all have guy needs--”
“Oh my god Sehun-ah--”
“-and he’s been kinda cranky lately don’t you think--”
“Sehun!” Junmyeon stresses, feeling like he’s about to burst into flames and roast to death alive at any second. Oh god, the magnae is giving him a sex talk. “It’s okay, I promise! Really,” he reassures, forcing himself to let go of the death grip he has on his bedsheets, “Jonginnie and I are fine. Really. Don’t worry about stuff like that.”
Sehun gives him a look like he just sprouted another head. Could it be…? After nearly half a year together…? “…Oh my god…?” he ventures, trying real hard to school his face into not showing any pity.
Junmyeon buries his face in his hands and prays for death. “Oh my god, Sehun-ah.”
Seeming to realize what he’s confirmed aloud, Sehun clears his throat and makes a wide-eyed escape while mumbling half a goodbye. He’s almost safe when he runs straight into Jongin, quite literally, turning red instantly at the images his mind conjures up.
“What’s up with you?” Jongin asks, rubbing his chest where Sehun rammed into him.
“Uh, Junmyeon-hyung,” Sehun says.
Jongin’s expression sharpens instantly and Sehun has to contain a sigh. Jongin’s already Junmyeon’s favorite and it’s such a non-secret that he doesn’t even know why Junmyeon tries to hide it, but it’s like Jongin is the only one who doesn’t believe it. Okay, so Junmyeon favors Sehun slightly more when he actually does some aegyo or whines for things, but that’s just because Jongin hardly ever tries.
“I was just talking to Junmyeon-hyung about stuff,” Sehun says, changing tracks, a lopsided grin pulled to his face.
“About what?” Jongin asks, trying to appear nonchalant. He sticks one hand in his sweats pocket and puts the other awkwardly on his chest in an attempt to seem casual.
Totally failing.
“He just seems tense, you know?” Is it a bad thing to troll your best friends? “I don’t know, maybe you guys need to get it on more often--”
“Oh Sehun!” Jongin growls, punching Sehun in the arm before he even has to think about it, “you’re a real fuck, you know that?” He likes to think Sehun isn’t laughing at how red his face is but his cheeks feel like magma.
Sehun shrugs, smug smirk hanging there, sidling off in search of Yixing and long ago promised bubble tea. “Just saying, Jongin. The man’s got the patience of a saint but he’s still just a dude.”
“Just go suck a fuck, Sehun. Wa-wait, did he say something to you?”
Sehun looks like he’s thinking about butterflies. “Maybe,” he says dreamily, mind totally on finding Yixing now, “it’s nice to be everybody’s favorite magnae.”
“Fucker,” Jongin mumbles under his breath, stalking for Junmyeon’s door, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel sick from how hard Sehun’s teasing actually hit him.
---
Six months is a damn long time to be together at their ages while in the spotlight of fame. Somehow, they pass their 6-month anniversary in Junmyeon’s room, cuddled together in bed and watching an old romcom on Junmyeon’s new laptop. There aren’t many other things Jongin would’ve wanted to do anyway but the same persistent nagging has been at the forefront of his worries for a long time now. Why doesn’t Junmyeon ever bring up sex with him?
They make out like fiends every chance they get, and he’s guessing by the way Junmyeon’s fingertips are trailing up and down his lower spine that they’re going to be getting to that real soon. Jongin doesn’t mind at all, god, he’s so head over heels for Junmyeon and that mouth of his, but Junmyeon never takes it further than some hot, messy making out. It’s not like they haven’t both been down to their underwear and hard at the same time, but Junmyeon tends to stop before anything more intimate than that happens, and Jongin’s starting to wonder if it’s him that’s the problem.
He lifts his cheek up from where it’s been resting on Junmyeon’s collarbone, just wanting to look at him, but gets a startle when he finds Junmyeon looking at him already.
Blushing immediately, Jongin struggles not to look away, embarrassed to have been caught. It’s so weird, there’s nothing he doesn’t know about Junmyeon anymore except for what he’s thinking, even though he usually always knows what Junmyeon means to do. It’s vexing to love someone-it’s like putting on his favorite pair of gloves, knowing their shape and smell and the feel of them, but always seeing something a little different. Is he ever going to get used to wanting someone so much?
“Hyung--” Jongin starts, voice unsteady, but is cut off by Junmyeon’s mouth.
Fuck, he doesn’t even care enough to finish what the half-formed thought in his brain was.
Pushing up on one hand, Jongin doesn’t give a shit how eager he seems as he leans his weight over Junmyeon, chasing the kiss as deep as it’ll go. Junmyeon’s response is ready and just as sure, lips parting so their tongues can brush, a sizzle of heat that makes Jongin arch into him. With Junmyeon properly under him, Jongin keeps him there, arm winding around Junmyeon’s neck, wondering if it’s right that he wants them to suffocate in each other.
Is this what other people feel when they talk about love? Jongin’s not sure he’s ever been in love before.
He doesn’t know how to judge by a scale set to infinity. It’s scary to think that love is supposed to run that far, for that long.
“Jongin,” Junmyeon moans, hissing when Jongin ducks his head and starts necking with him. He has half a mind to warn him about hickeys but he doesn’t, he doesn’t want to insult Jongin like that when Jongin’s always been more scared of losing all that they’ve earned with what they’ve chosen in each other. Junmyeon bites his lip hard and scrunches his eyes shut, his heart painfully swollen with how much he wants to take care of Jongin properly, just love him the best he can, even if best has to be from afar.
Gripping a handful of lengthening hair, Junmyeon tugs none too gently, ripping a gasp from Jongin’s mouth. The world spins around Jongin as his back hits the bed but all of Jongin’s world spins around Junmyeon, mouth soft and pliant for Junmyeon’s kisses.
There will never be a time when Junmyeon gets tired of kissing him. The fullness of his lips, the way they swell, that perfect bow on top that Junmyeon sometimes traces his tongue over when Jongin’s moaning particularly enthusiastically for more.
Jongin’s mind is whirling, aware that he should probably be embarrassed by the noises he’s making and absolutely out of control of them anyway. He blinks dazedly at the ceiling as he feels Junmyeon pull his shirt off, stopped on a breath once Junmyeon’s hot, wet mouth finds his chest.
“Wait, hyung,” Jongin says, almost a whimper, but just throws his head back and moans once Junmyeon’s tongue goes lower. He feels scalded from where Junmyeon’s touching him, hands gripping him, holding him like they own him, but too cold everywhere else Junmyeon isn’t. Every time Junmyeon leaves another wet, sucking kiss down his body, Jongin bucks a little higher, cock already throbbing in his sweats. Each look he chances downward only makes him turn away; there’s a hard, glittering darkness in Junmyeon’s eyes, and while it isn’t unfamiliar, it makes Jongin all messed up inside.
When he’s hungry, he eats. When he’s tired, he sleeps. But when Junmyeon looks at him like that, Jongin is sick with the urge to turn himself inside out, let Junmyeon in somewhere deep to scratch the itch he can’t reach.
With a shaking sigh, Junmyeon hooks his fingers into the band of Jongin’s pants, counting to three before he pulls them down. Junmyeon is blushing. He can feel it. But if doesn’t do this now, at their 6-month, after all this time and waiting, when will he ever have the courage to do it?
Jongin deserves more than that. His hesitation isn’t going to push their relationship forward, and it’s not like Sehun’s observations were unfounded. It is a ridiculous situation.
“Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon says, looking up at him with his cheek nearly pressed to Jongin’s bare inner thigh. He can feel the heat radiating from him and tries not to look at the wet spot Jongin’s made in his boxer briefs already. If he gets any more aroused, he might explode on the spot. “Just tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”
The power of the internet: there must be advice and instructional guides on everything. Junmyeon’s nothing if not eager and studious; there’s no such thing as over-prepared.
Jongin makes a high whine of embarrassment when Junmyeon pulls his underwear down, all the fabric bunched at his knees now. He can see how hard he is and then has to look away, wanting to tell Junmyeon to get off of him but also wanting him to never leave. He opens and closes his mouth uselessly, unable to do anything but pant. He’s been here before, this isn’t the first time, but it’s the first time this has mattered so fucking much to him and he’s really scared of doing something wrong.
All thoughts vacate Jongin’s brain once he feels the heat of Junmyeon’s mouth on his cock. He jerks up so hard he almost sits up, hand shooting out to twist fingers into Junmyeon’s hair. His grip can’t be gentle but he’s got to stay tense, he’s going to come on the spot, it’s so good, he’s wanted this for so long--
“Hyung, hyu…ng!!” Jongin moans, the ends of every word nothing more than a soundless breath. He sucks his stomach in and does everything he can to pull in air, crying out when Junmyeon sinks down lower.
The taste of Jongin on his tongue is messing with Junmyeon’s head. He doesn’t know what to do with the information so he savors it, in disbelief that he could make Jongin react this severely. Jongin tends to be shyer when they’re intimate and Junmyeon’s always known that from all the kissing they’ve done but Jongin’s also had a lot more experience than he has with girls. At least, that’s what he’s always thought.
Selfishly, Junmyeon feels relief. It’s not like he’d even know where to start to express to Jongin about being scared of not being good enough.
He runs the tip of his tongue over the slit of Jongin’s cock and listens to him absolutely wail. Junmyeon makes a muffled noise when Jongin jerks into his mouth, but he forces himself to relax, hollowing out his cheeks and gripping hard to Jongin’s waist to try and calm him down.
Against his expectations, Junmyeon finds himself surprisingly calm about all of this. It’s simple enough, really, and there’s an incredible amount of enjoyment he’s getting out of knowing he’s making Jongin quake this hard behind him.
He closes his eyes, pulling back a bit, almost blushing at the wet, sucking noise his lips make. It’s so sexy, the rigid line of Jongin’s cock pressed heavy against his tongue. Junmyeon takes a slow breath, deep, nuzzling his nose lower as he sinks down just to take in the musk of him. He flutters his eyes open to look up, catching Jongin’s open-mouthed, pink-cheeked look of worship with giddy glee. Pride balloons in his chest-Junmyeon did that, he made the almighty, aloof Kai look like that, and he already can’t wait to do it again.
“Junmyeon-hyung, I- I can’t,” Jongin whimpers, “h-hyung, I can’t.”
A comforting noise was what Junmyeon had been going for but as soon as he makes it in his throat, Jongin just tightens his grip in his hair and bucks into his mouth again. Junmyeon is half amused and half fascinated, making soft noises of encouragement, doing a pretty shitty job of sucking…but at least Jongin seems to be enjoying him enough.
It can’t have been more than five minutes since they started but Jongin can feel the tension in his abdomen. He’s melting from the core, his cock aching and heavy and surrounded by the torture of Junmyeon’s mouth. The drag of Junmyeon’s tongue, the slick velvet of it, the softness of his lips gliding down, Jongin hungers for it.
He makes the mistake of looking down at the mess of hair between his thighs and remembers it’s Junmyeon-hyung there and he is so certain Junmyeon’s never done this for anyone else. It’s that mix of worship and being the first and knowing that Junmyeon cares about him enough to do this for him that makes him come hard enough to see spots, vision dancing unsteadily. Jongin must be moaning but he can’t hear it, he’s choking on it, dragging Junmyeon’s face so close to his body that Junmyeon must be suffocating. He tries not move to but he can’t help that his hips can’t stay still, letting out a soundless, dry sob once he actually regains enough sense to feel the way Junmyeon’s fingers are caressing his hip, soothing and gentle.
Shaking from exhaustion and emotion overload, Jongin finally breathes again once Junmyeon pulls away. Junmyeon’s face is beet red and that at least puts Jongin’s racing heart a bit more at ease.
There’s a shine to Junmyeon’s lips that can’t be from anything else and Jongin chews the inside of his mouth. He bites hard, brain still playing catchup-Junmyeon just sucked him off, Junmyeon made him come so hard he’s shaking, Junmyeon just swallowed all that, Junmyeon, Junmyeon, it’s his Junmyeon-hyung.
Jongin turns his face away, down, anywhere where his sweat-sticky hair can hide it a bit more. Junmyeon’s warmth eventually wraps around him like it always has, comforting and solid and always there, as still as Junmyeon always has been.
For a place to hide, for a place to rest, Jongin is grateful. He eventually wraps his arms around Junmyeon’s middle and lets Junmyeon pull him to lie down in bed again. He can feel how hard Junmyeon is pressed up against his bare inner thigh and he’s ashamed to not be down there himself to return the favor, but Junmyeon’s grip is ironclad and Jongin’s not sure he’s in control of his limbs anyway. He feels a mix between shellshocked and like crying and he has no idea why when the entirety of his body feels nothing but good.
Face buried in Junmyeon’s neck, Jongin clutches at him, praying that by 11:30pm, or tomorrow morning, or at least tomorrow evening, he’ll be braver, he’ll be the Jongin that Kai is, and he’ll be able to make Junmyeon feel even half as good as Junmyeon just made him.
Junmyeon deserves at least that.
---
Except, Jongin can’t really get around to it, not when he can never find the right moment. Their schedules are too busy for much free time, even less so for anything intimate. Jongin goes home when he can to visit his baby niece and Junmyeon’s got friends outside of Jongin’s given knowledge, from before even Jongin knew him.
Alright, so that isn’t that fair either, because since their 6-month anniversary, Junmyeon’s been catching him off guard to suck him off at least once a week. It isn’t much but it’s a damn lot compared to before, and Jongin swears every time he’s going to return the favor this time, he will, but he’s always too frozen and embarrassed afterward to move. Junmyeon doesn’t let him anyway-he always makes sure to hold Jongin tight, like he’s scared Jongin will run, and maybe Jongin would, he’s not even sure anymore.
He’s scared by how good it feels. He’s gotten blowjobs before, this is by no means his first run around the ballpark, but it’s never felt like this. Is it supposed to feel like this?
It’s distracting to be around Junmyeon every minute of the day now. At photoshoots, on the stage, even just in their dressing room-Jongin catches himself staring, and that’s only when he catches himself, and that makes him worry.
---
Some things just need working up to. That’s what Jongin tells himself anyway, because he needs to tell himself something after 2 months of not accomplishing anything, doesn’t he?
“Hyung,” Jongin mumbles into Junmyeon’s neck after yet another orgasm that’s liquefied his knees, “can I…uh…”
He feels Junmyeon’s breath catch in his chest and tenses, hoping Junmyeon doesn’t pull away.
“I want to make you feel good too,” Jongin blurts out, hiding his face more even as he sneaks a hand between their bodies. He really hates going to sleep with Junmyeon still hard against him-he hates himself for being a coward. “You always make me feel good and it’s not- it’s not fair.”
Junmyeon could cry to hear those words, he’s been taking so many cold showers lately, but he also doesn’t know that he could’ve ever asked this of Jongin. An offer is one thing but he couldn’t ask it of Jongin, not when he knows Jongin would never say no to him. It feels wrong somehow-he’s known Jongin since he was a little kid, and maybe Junmyeon isn’t that much older than him, but Jongin is so precious to him and he has to watch out for him. He can’t be taking advantage of him.
Muffling a moan, Junmyeon screws his eyes shut as Jongin’s fingers slide into his pajama bottoms to grip him. He’s embarrassingly hard already, he has been ever since he started giving Jongin that last blowjob, and he warns Jongin as much that he won’t last long.
Jongin makes an ambivalent noise and jerks him off, rhythm clumsy, space way too cramped considering how tight they’re hugging. He’s seen Junmyeon naked plenty of times before; how could it be so surreal to have his fingers wrapped around Junmyeon’s cock right now? It’s hard and hot in his grip, familiar enough to Jongin from his own experiences but also completely new.
Junmyeon’s hips cant towards him and Jongin bites hard on his lip. Does this crappy handjob really feel that good to him? “Hyung,” he half-moans, desire coiling in his abdomen again just from touching Junmyeon so intimately, mind racing with thoughts of how it would feel to take Junmyeon into his mouth.
Junmyeon comes quietly, quickly, whispering Jongin’s name in his ear, shuddering against Jongin’s larger frame. He isn’t embarrassed, not really, but he does feel hesitation, a certain air of discomfort he can’t pinpoint. It’s always a bit like this but more so tonight and he pulls away before he can linger for too long, leaving Jongin and his averted eyes with a quick kiss on the forehead. Getting tissues is a good excuse for space. Junmyeon doesn’t say anything even once he returns, carefully cleaning Jongin off before himself.
“You doing okay?” Junmyeon eventually asks, giving Jongin’s arm a squeeze.
Jongin is silent for a moment. He has so much he wants to say and no way to word any of it well. “Do you want to have sex?” he asks, the words tumbling out of him like rocks, no finesse or romance to it. “Oh, fuck. Shit. Hyung, I don’t know what I want to say.”
A heavy, awkward silence passes between them while Junmyeon thinks. “Yeah, I would,” Junmyeon replies, and Jongin has to look at him, desperate to understand that tone of voice. Junmyeon is smiling at him but he seems distant, like he’s thinking about something else entirely.
“Then…maybe we…should?” Jongin ventures.
Junmyeon smiles wider and Jongin feels even more like he’s missing something. “Do you want to?” he asks.
“I guess,” Jongin mumbles, cheeks heating up again, “I mean, we should, right?”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know,” Jongin answers, frazzled and way too naked, “But if we’re dating, then we eventually should, right?”
Junmyeon is silent for a long time again. Jongin picks at the edge of Junmyeon’s pillow nervously, finding himself clinging once Junmyeon reaches for his hand to entwine their fingers together. “Whatever you want, Jongin-ah,” he says, that perfectly kind smile on his face again. He pulls Jongin to him and Jongin allows himself to hide, but Jongin just wants him so desperately bad it feels like a scream welled in his chest with nowhere to go.
And what about what you want, hyung? he wonders, wishing he could say it out loud.
---
It occurs to Junmyeon that the mature, easy, proper way to do this is to use his words the way grownups do and just talk about it, but making the words get past his throat is proving to be a real feat. He is perfectly aware he needs to put on his big boy pants and just talk to Jongin about whatever it is that’s making things tense between them but he’s embarrassed and nervous and he’s scared Jongin will pull away from him again. It’s in the past now but it’ll always be fresh enough in Junmyeon’s mind and he never wants to push Jongin that far away, not when they’re finally this close.
This is the problem with being leader and a hyung and being so in love with someone he’s supposed to stay impartial to. He can’t--he wants so much from Jongin, he wants Jongin to give to him what he wants to give, but he’ll never know how much of it is freely given and how much of it is obligation.
He doesn’t think so little of Jongin that he thinks Jongin would do anything he asks, but he does think Jongin would put himself outside of his limits in order to please. He always has. Why else does Jongin still have such terrible pain in his lower back? He runs himself ragged for other people and Junmyeon refuses to be another name on the list of people who take advantage of him.
Still, from the uncertain looks that Jongin sometimes shoots him, Junmyeon feels torn. What is he supposed to do between responsibility and what he wants?
He sits with Sehun in their room on a late Thursday evening, embarrassed enough that he’s always talking with the magnae about messy relationship shit that should never even see the light of day. He just doesn’t know where else to turn and he trusts Sehun most when it comes to Jongin-Sehun’s always been on his side.
“Does he- he doesn’t say anything about me to you, does he?” Junmyeon asks nervously. He and Jongin haven’t been intimate at all in the last couple of weeks, not since that almost-talk they had. It’s strange for both of them to have regressed in their physical relationship.
“Not really…”Sehun says slowly. He’d be lying if he said he hasn’t seen a change though. There’s a strain to them that Sehun hasn’t seen since before they got together. “You know he’d do anything for you, right? You can just ask him.”
“That’s the whole problem,” Junmyeon says, half under his breath, hands in fists on his thighs. “I know he would.”
“Is that bad?”
“I don’t know…” Junmyeon sighs heavily and pinches the bridge of his nose. He is so exhausted and only half of it is physical. “I have a harder and harder time these days trying to tell between what he wants and what he does because it’s what he thinks I want.”
It’s a near thing, but Sehun manages not to laugh in Junmyeon’s face. Christ, these two…
Sehun sighs, throwing his arm around Junmyeon’s shoulders. “You know what I’m going to call you guys from now on? Overthinking Couple. Overanalytic, neurotic, paranoid couple who can’t talk to each other.”
Junmyeon smiles helplessly, hoping his worry doesn’t show too clearly. “It’s tiring, isn’t it? I’m sorry, Sehun-ah.”
“Don’t be. You’re the only hyung I can talk to this way without getting beat on.”
---
“Where’s Junmyeon-hyung?” Jongin asks, a question he seems to be asking a lot. Yixing looks at him lazily from the kitchen counter, plucking mindlessly at his guitar.
“With Sehunnie,” Yixing says eventually, leveling him with a look that makes Jongin stand up straighter. “Said it was important stuff, private stuff.”
Jongin frowns; private stuff? He starts down the hall, growing nervous, stopping in his tracks when the door to Junmyeon and Sehun’s room opens and they step out, Junmyeon’s arm wrapped around Sehun’s waist. He’s laughing and Jongin knows for a fact that Junmyeon hasn’t laughed with him in weeks.
He isn’t jealous of Sehun, not really. He’s nervous, worried, scared perhaps about himself. He doesn’t want to be failing at this in some way and he doesn’t know why Junmyeon won’t talk to him.
“Oh, happy couple,” Yixing singsongs from behind him, making Jongin tense up and press up against the wall. Junmyeon’s smile falters a little when he sees Jongin standing there, and while he’s quick to hide it, Jongin’s taken too much care to memorize the details and tells of Junmyeon’s face for it to escape him. He tries not to grit his teeth too noticeably, ducking his head when Sehun sails past him to orbit Yixing and his guitar.
“Yixing-hyung~” Sehun says, sharing a look between them that has them both grinning. Junmyeon observes them carefully but he doesn’t get it-there are different facets of closeness and he isn’t privy to this one.
Jongin feels a gentle bump to the side of his head, blinking owlishly when he turns and finds Yixing knocking at him.
“别吃醋了, 太不适合你了!” Yixing laughs, eyes curved and dimple deep, obviously teasing him. Jongin knows it’s Yixing’s brand of affectionate teasing but he is not going to give any of them the satisfaction of asking what it means and Sehun, that bastard, he’s giggling!! Yixing sighs, looking at him fond and exasperated. “犹豫什么? 他最爱的还不是你?”
Jongin looks at Junmyeon who looks just as lost, and he is positive that Sehun also has no idea what’s going on, but Sehun seems to understand something in Yixing’s voice that Jongin still hasn’t figured out. He’s grinning that grin again like he knows something Jongin doesn’t and it drives him crazy!
“走啦, 宝贝!” Yixing exclaims, looping his arm with Sehun’s, “hyung will buy you bubble tea and you help hyung finish this song, okay? It’s about stupid people in love, 像他们, 烦死我了!”
“Yehet!” Sehun cheers, throwing one last grin over his shoulder at Jongin before disappearing out the door.
“I’m going to really hurt him one day,” Jongin says flatly, his heart all sore when he hears Junmyeon laugh. “Oh Sehun, that guy…”
“I know, I know,” Junmyeon says, standing closer to him now. Jongin swallows the ball in his throat when Junmyeon’s hand slips into his own, tangling their fingers together. At what point is it okay for him to cling again? “Hey, Jongin-ah? I think maybe we should have a talk, if that’s okay?”
Jongin ducks his head again, not saying anything as he turns on his heels and pulls Junmyeon along. He’s not sure he can say anything but he does want to do something, anything-he and Junmyeon aren’t meant to be apart anymore.
Junmyeon is laughing a little behind him and Jongin is at least glad he’s in a good mood. He shuts the door to Junmyeon’s room firmly behind them and turns the lock, aching with how bad he just wants a hug. It’s the first time they’ve been alone together in just a little over two weeks. That’s a long time, especially since Junmyeon’s been making a point to have alone time with him just a few weeks before.
They sit on Junmyeon’s bed for a while, Jongin anxiously playing with Junmyeon’s fingers, refusing to let go of his hand. He’s really nervous.
“Jongin-ah, is it okay if I say something really weird?” Junmyeon asks, finally breaking the silence. He looks embarrassed.
“Mm?” Jongin asks, stomach churning with anxiety.
“I really…really love you,” Junmyeon says, and Jongin is so amazed he can say that while looking him in the eye, not a hint of shame or a stutter to it. Maybe that’s what it looks like when you put conviction behind your feelings. Jongin feels guiltier than he ever has before.
“I know, hyung,” he mumbles, gripping Junmyeon’s hand so hard his knuckles are turning white.
“Do you want to be with me?” Junmyeon asks, so quiet that Jongin almost thinks he’s hallucinating. But there’s a very serious look of unease on Junmyeon’s face, and Jongin feels so horribly he feels his head rush with dread, blood suddenly pounding in his ears.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t?” he asks in return, digging his nails into the back of Junmyeon’s hand. This is always the problem with him; he’s no good with putting his feelings into words and it becomes like this, when someone he cares about thinks that he doesn’t care at all. It isn’t the first time this has happened, not even the first handful, but this is the first time it’s ever hurt so bad. He wanted to do better with this, if only for Junmyeon’s sake, but truthfully, he had hoped that Junmyeon could see past all of the non-words, that all the little things stood out enough that Junmyeon understood.
Junmyeon looks at him for a bit, clearly trying to read him, so Jongin turns his face away, even though that’s not what he really wants. He’s just so bad at this still, he has no idea how to face Junmyeon properly, especially when he can see so plainly on Junmyeon’s face that he loves him. He loves him so easily, so freely, he never asks for anything, and Jongin still can’t make his mouth form infantile words of affection.
“It feels sometimes like you would rather me be elsewhere,” Junmyeon says, quiet and uncertain.
No, that’s not true, Jongin thinks, the backs of his eyes prickling with tears of frustration and fear, I only feel that way when you’re close.
When Jongin doesn’t reply, Junmyeon turns away, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. He feels black and blue all over from loving Jongin too much, bruises on the insides of his ribs.
“I’ll leave you alone for a while,” he says, forcing himself to put distance between the situation and his heart. He can’t think about it if he wants what’s best for Jongin. He gets up, meaning to let go, but jerks back when he feels Jongin tighten his grip at the last second, falling back onto the bed.
“I don’t know how to tell you anything,” Jongin says in a rush, speaking to the floor, “I don’t know how you say some things so easily. You’re not-- none of this has been anything but what I’ve wanted, so what do you want, hyung?” He swallows thickly, unable to understand how Junmyeon is so far away when Jongin hasn’t been anything but happy with him. “What am I supposed to say to you when I have you already, what else should I ask for?”
Junmyeon feels realization hit him, blindside him from someplace he hasn’t even thought to look. He doesn’t get it yet, not all of it, but this is the most Jongin’s said about how he’s felt in a while and it’s a perspective Junmyeon’s never considered before.
“So…you want to be with me?” he asks. That’s obviously the wrong question though because the look of hurt Jongin gives him makes him want to take it back immediately.
“Hyung…” Jongin says slowly, like every word is hurting him, like Junmyeon’s just hit him, “why… how would I ever…” He takes a deep, shuddering breath, turning away to swipe angrily at his eyes. How did this all get so fucked when he was right here watching the whole time? “I’m sorry, I’ve just been really bad to you, haven’t I?”
“God, Jongin-ah, no,” Junmyeon rushes to say, sitting closer, letting go of Jongin’s hand to pull him into a half embrace. “I’m sorry Jongin-ah, I’m sorry, I’m just stupid, that’s all. I wish I was better with you the way Kyungsoo and Sehun are.”
“You’re such a stupid hyung,” Jongin whispers, shaking his head, “I don’t want anyone else. No one is like you, there is no better. Why can’t you see that?”
Junmyeon closes his eyes, pulling Jongin firmly against his chest. “I need to stop holding out on you,” he says into Jongin’s ear, pressing apologetic kisses there, “I just need to ask you for what I want, don’t I?”
“I want you, hyung,” Jongin nearly whines, his feelings painfully raw, “Christ, how do you not see it? It feels like the entire world can see it and you can’t and I’m fucking embarrassed, okay?”
Startled is a good way to put how Junmyeon feels. Jongin so rarely speaks this harshly with him so that’s a pretty good indication of how upset he is.
“How am I supposed to tell you I want to have s- sex?” Jongin asks, angry only because that’s easier than shame, “I feel like I already ask so much of you and you never ask for anything, so what- how do I- is it even okay?”
“Oh Jongin-ah, of course it’s okay.” Junmyeon hides Jongin’s face in his neck, cupping the back of Jongin’s head, winding around him so tight that Jongin’s breath grows audibly labored. “Fuck,” he whispers, with great emphasis, “I’ve really fucked this up.”
“I guess that makes both of us,” Jongin says, and his laugh is watery at best but at least it’s a laugh.
Sighing heavily, Junmyeon plays with the soft hair at the back of Jongin’s neck, something comforting that Jongin likes. “For what it’s worth…I’ve never wanted anyone half as bad as I’ve always wanted you. Jongin-ah…I’ve never, ever wanted to be with anyone as much as I want you. That’s never changed.”
“Hyung…” Jongin whispers, hiding his face more, “I’m going to die of embarrassment. But…” he takes a deep breath, pulls back, wanting to look Junmyeon in the eye for once. He wants to say this right, for once. “I’m really, really, really stupidly in love with you,” he says, and it’s not fear that makes his voice shake, it’s the courage it takes to say this. “I know I’m not good with this, I still don’t know what to say to you, but I-” Jongin presses their foreheads together with a sigh, hunching his shoulders in smaller. “I can’t do this without you. Is it really okay if I ask you for more? Won’t you get sick of me if I ask you to spend all your time with me?”
He’s never been able to do any of this without Junmyeon. When did he get sewn into every inch of Jongin’s life, the thread so fine and tight that there’s no hope for him to pull away without falling apart?
Junmyeon cups his face, he’s gentle, he’s smiling, and Jongin unconsciously finds himself smiling back, even though it wavers at the edges. “Thank you, Jongin-ah,” he says, brushing his thumb over Jongin’s cheekbone. “And let’s not forget…you’re the popular one here, I should be the one asking you if you’ll get sick of me. I’m just boring, uninteresting me, and you’re--”
“No one gets to talk about you like that, not even you.” The interruption is quiet but defiant, stubborn, and a hot flush goes through Junmyeon’s entire body, startled by the conviction in Jongin’s voice. “There’s no one better than you, hyung.” Jongin tries to press himself to Junmyeon’s chest, wanting to be hugged. Junmyeon gives out the best hugs. “I only want you.”
One of these days, Jongin’s going to work his way up to saying the word need; he figures he’s still got some leeway in being shy.
Maybe it’s a bit distracting, but Junmyeon can’t stop pressing kisses to Jongin’s cheeks and temple and any other inch of skin his lips can reach. He is so helplessly, desperately, ripping at the seams and drowning in how much he’s in love. Jongin is absolutely stunning, inside and out. Maybe love makes everyone beautiful, that’s what Junmyeon thinks.
“Hey,” he whispers, pulling Jongin so close that he’s kissing the words to Jongin’s mouth, “do you want to know something?”
“What?” Jongin mumbles, mind barely there anymore.
“I don’t think I’ve ever not been in love with you. Isn’t that crazy?”
Jongin likes the shape of Junmyeon’s smile against his lips. “Stupid hyung,” he whispers, trying to mold himself into Junmyeon any way he can, “I’ve always known that.”
Part 2 this way
suho/kai
nc-17
some things take working up to.
---
It’s not like Jongin doesn’t understand the logistics of sex between two men-it’s the age of the internet, and it’s not like he’s so sheltered from the real world that he’s naïve to sex of all things. And besides, that ship sailed already…
It’s just also a bit different because it’s Junmyeon, and that’s something he doesn’t even know how to approach.
---
“Uh, so hyung,” Sehun says, shifting his weight restlessly from foot to foot. Junmyeon looks at him with an eyebrow raised, setting his book aside. For Sehun to interrupt his reading time…it must be something urgent.
“Did you want to go out for bubble tea?”
“No, that’s okay, Yixing-hyung is back,” Sehun says, totally innocently. Junmyeon laughs because he knows Sehun doesn’t mean it that way, that he’s backup or anything, but it’s just that they all love Yixing so much and he’s been so scarce lately and the magnae really loves his Yixing-hyung a great, big, happy bunch. Junmyeon doesn’t blame him. “I um…I know this is…awkward, at best. Shit,” Sehun curses, rubbing the back of his neck, “I know that you and Jonginnie have been together for a while and you’ve never asked anything of me, so I just want to say that it’s okay if you do. I mean I can sleep in another room--”
“Oh my god Sehun-ah--”
“-it’s really not a big deal to me,” Sehun blurts out, pink in the face. “I mean we’re all guys, and we all have guy needs--”
“Oh my god Sehun-ah--”
“-and he’s been kinda cranky lately don’t you think--”
“Sehun!” Junmyeon stresses, feeling like he’s about to burst into flames and roast to death alive at any second. Oh god, the magnae is giving him a sex talk. “It’s okay, I promise! Really,” he reassures, forcing himself to let go of the death grip he has on his bedsheets, “Jonginnie and I are fine. Really. Don’t worry about stuff like that.”
Sehun gives him a look like he just sprouted another head. Could it be…? After nearly half a year together…? “…Oh my god…?” he ventures, trying real hard to school his face into not showing any pity.
Junmyeon buries his face in his hands and prays for death. “Oh my god, Sehun-ah.”
Seeming to realize what he’s confirmed aloud, Sehun clears his throat and makes a wide-eyed escape while mumbling half a goodbye. He’s almost safe when he runs straight into Jongin, quite literally, turning red instantly at the images his mind conjures up.
“What’s up with you?” Jongin asks, rubbing his chest where Sehun rammed into him.
“Uh, Junmyeon-hyung,” Sehun says.
Jongin’s expression sharpens instantly and Sehun has to contain a sigh. Jongin’s already Junmyeon’s favorite and it’s such a non-secret that he doesn’t even know why Junmyeon tries to hide it, but it’s like Jongin is the only one who doesn’t believe it. Okay, so Junmyeon favors Sehun slightly more when he actually does some aegyo or whines for things, but that’s just because Jongin hardly ever tries.
“I was just talking to Junmyeon-hyung about stuff,” Sehun says, changing tracks, a lopsided grin pulled to his face.
“About what?” Jongin asks, trying to appear nonchalant. He sticks one hand in his sweats pocket and puts the other awkwardly on his chest in an attempt to seem casual.
Totally failing.
“He just seems tense, you know?” Is it a bad thing to troll your best friends? “I don’t know, maybe you guys need to get it on more often--”
“Oh Sehun!” Jongin growls, punching Sehun in the arm before he even has to think about it, “you’re a real fuck, you know that?” He likes to think Sehun isn’t laughing at how red his face is but his cheeks feel like magma.
Sehun shrugs, smug smirk hanging there, sidling off in search of Yixing and long ago promised bubble tea. “Just saying, Jongin. The man’s got the patience of a saint but he’s still just a dude.”
“Just go suck a fuck, Sehun. Wa-wait, did he say something to you?”
Sehun looks like he’s thinking about butterflies. “Maybe,” he says dreamily, mind totally on finding Yixing now, “it’s nice to be everybody’s favorite magnae.”
“Fucker,” Jongin mumbles under his breath, stalking for Junmyeon’s door, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel sick from how hard Sehun’s teasing actually hit him.
---
Six months is a damn long time to be together at their ages while in the spotlight of fame. Somehow, they pass their 6-month anniversary in Junmyeon’s room, cuddled together in bed and watching an old romcom on Junmyeon’s new laptop. There aren’t many other things Jongin would’ve wanted to do anyway but the same persistent nagging has been at the forefront of his worries for a long time now. Why doesn’t Junmyeon ever bring up sex with him?
They make out like fiends every chance they get, and he’s guessing by the way Junmyeon’s fingertips are trailing up and down his lower spine that they’re going to be getting to that real soon. Jongin doesn’t mind at all, god, he’s so head over heels for Junmyeon and that mouth of his, but Junmyeon never takes it further than some hot, messy making out. It’s not like they haven’t both been down to their underwear and hard at the same time, but Junmyeon tends to stop before anything more intimate than that happens, and Jongin’s starting to wonder if it’s him that’s the problem.
He lifts his cheek up from where it’s been resting on Junmyeon’s collarbone, just wanting to look at him, but gets a startle when he finds Junmyeon looking at him already.
Blushing immediately, Jongin struggles not to look away, embarrassed to have been caught. It’s so weird, there’s nothing he doesn’t know about Junmyeon anymore except for what he’s thinking, even though he usually always knows what Junmyeon means to do. It’s vexing to love someone-it’s like putting on his favorite pair of gloves, knowing their shape and smell and the feel of them, but always seeing something a little different. Is he ever going to get used to wanting someone so much?
“Hyung--” Jongin starts, voice unsteady, but is cut off by Junmyeon’s mouth.
Fuck, he doesn’t even care enough to finish what the half-formed thought in his brain was.
Pushing up on one hand, Jongin doesn’t give a shit how eager he seems as he leans his weight over Junmyeon, chasing the kiss as deep as it’ll go. Junmyeon’s response is ready and just as sure, lips parting so their tongues can brush, a sizzle of heat that makes Jongin arch into him. With Junmyeon properly under him, Jongin keeps him there, arm winding around Junmyeon’s neck, wondering if it’s right that he wants them to suffocate in each other.
Is this what other people feel when they talk about love? Jongin’s not sure he’s ever been in love before.
He doesn’t know how to judge by a scale set to infinity. It’s scary to think that love is supposed to run that far, for that long.
“Jongin,” Junmyeon moans, hissing when Jongin ducks his head and starts necking with him. He has half a mind to warn him about hickeys but he doesn’t, he doesn’t want to insult Jongin like that when Jongin’s always been more scared of losing all that they’ve earned with what they’ve chosen in each other. Junmyeon bites his lip hard and scrunches his eyes shut, his heart painfully swollen with how much he wants to take care of Jongin properly, just love him the best he can, even if best has to be from afar.
Gripping a handful of lengthening hair, Junmyeon tugs none too gently, ripping a gasp from Jongin’s mouth. The world spins around Jongin as his back hits the bed but all of Jongin’s world spins around Junmyeon, mouth soft and pliant for Junmyeon’s kisses.
There will never be a time when Junmyeon gets tired of kissing him. The fullness of his lips, the way they swell, that perfect bow on top that Junmyeon sometimes traces his tongue over when Jongin’s moaning particularly enthusiastically for more.
Jongin’s mind is whirling, aware that he should probably be embarrassed by the noises he’s making and absolutely out of control of them anyway. He blinks dazedly at the ceiling as he feels Junmyeon pull his shirt off, stopped on a breath once Junmyeon’s hot, wet mouth finds his chest.
“Wait, hyung,” Jongin says, almost a whimper, but just throws his head back and moans once Junmyeon’s tongue goes lower. He feels scalded from where Junmyeon’s touching him, hands gripping him, holding him like they own him, but too cold everywhere else Junmyeon isn’t. Every time Junmyeon leaves another wet, sucking kiss down his body, Jongin bucks a little higher, cock already throbbing in his sweats. Each look he chances downward only makes him turn away; there’s a hard, glittering darkness in Junmyeon’s eyes, and while it isn’t unfamiliar, it makes Jongin all messed up inside.
When he’s hungry, he eats. When he’s tired, he sleeps. But when Junmyeon looks at him like that, Jongin is sick with the urge to turn himself inside out, let Junmyeon in somewhere deep to scratch the itch he can’t reach.
With a shaking sigh, Junmyeon hooks his fingers into the band of Jongin’s pants, counting to three before he pulls them down. Junmyeon is blushing. He can feel it. But if doesn’t do this now, at their 6-month, after all this time and waiting, when will he ever have the courage to do it?
Jongin deserves more than that. His hesitation isn’t going to push their relationship forward, and it’s not like Sehun’s observations were unfounded. It is a ridiculous situation.
“Jongin-ah,” Junmyeon says, looking up at him with his cheek nearly pressed to Jongin’s bare inner thigh. He can feel the heat radiating from him and tries not to look at the wet spot Jongin’s made in his boxer briefs already. If he gets any more aroused, he might explode on the spot. “Just tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”
The power of the internet: there must be advice and instructional guides on everything. Junmyeon’s nothing if not eager and studious; there’s no such thing as over-prepared.
Jongin makes a high whine of embarrassment when Junmyeon pulls his underwear down, all the fabric bunched at his knees now. He can see how hard he is and then has to look away, wanting to tell Junmyeon to get off of him but also wanting him to never leave. He opens and closes his mouth uselessly, unable to do anything but pant. He’s been here before, this isn’t the first time, but it’s the first time this has mattered so fucking much to him and he’s really scared of doing something wrong.
All thoughts vacate Jongin’s brain once he feels the heat of Junmyeon’s mouth on his cock. He jerks up so hard he almost sits up, hand shooting out to twist fingers into Junmyeon’s hair. His grip can’t be gentle but he’s got to stay tense, he’s going to come on the spot, it’s so good, he’s wanted this for so long--
“Hyung, hyu…ng!!” Jongin moans, the ends of every word nothing more than a soundless breath. He sucks his stomach in and does everything he can to pull in air, crying out when Junmyeon sinks down lower.
The taste of Jongin on his tongue is messing with Junmyeon’s head. He doesn’t know what to do with the information so he savors it, in disbelief that he could make Jongin react this severely. Jongin tends to be shyer when they’re intimate and Junmyeon’s always known that from all the kissing they’ve done but Jongin’s also had a lot more experience than he has with girls. At least, that’s what he’s always thought.
Selfishly, Junmyeon feels relief. It’s not like he’d even know where to start to express to Jongin about being scared of not being good enough.
He runs the tip of his tongue over the slit of Jongin’s cock and listens to him absolutely wail. Junmyeon makes a muffled noise when Jongin jerks into his mouth, but he forces himself to relax, hollowing out his cheeks and gripping hard to Jongin’s waist to try and calm him down.
Against his expectations, Junmyeon finds himself surprisingly calm about all of this. It’s simple enough, really, and there’s an incredible amount of enjoyment he’s getting out of knowing he’s making Jongin quake this hard behind him.
He closes his eyes, pulling back a bit, almost blushing at the wet, sucking noise his lips make. It’s so sexy, the rigid line of Jongin’s cock pressed heavy against his tongue. Junmyeon takes a slow breath, deep, nuzzling his nose lower as he sinks down just to take in the musk of him. He flutters his eyes open to look up, catching Jongin’s open-mouthed, pink-cheeked look of worship with giddy glee. Pride balloons in his chest-Junmyeon did that, he made the almighty, aloof Kai look like that, and he already can’t wait to do it again.
“Junmyeon-hyung, I- I can’t,” Jongin whimpers, “h-hyung, I can’t.”
A comforting noise was what Junmyeon had been going for but as soon as he makes it in his throat, Jongin just tightens his grip in his hair and bucks into his mouth again. Junmyeon is half amused and half fascinated, making soft noises of encouragement, doing a pretty shitty job of sucking…but at least Jongin seems to be enjoying him enough.
It can’t have been more than five minutes since they started but Jongin can feel the tension in his abdomen. He’s melting from the core, his cock aching and heavy and surrounded by the torture of Junmyeon’s mouth. The drag of Junmyeon’s tongue, the slick velvet of it, the softness of his lips gliding down, Jongin hungers for it.
He makes the mistake of looking down at the mess of hair between his thighs and remembers it’s Junmyeon-hyung there and he is so certain Junmyeon’s never done this for anyone else. It’s that mix of worship and being the first and knowing that Junmyeon cares about him enough to do this for him that makes him come hard enough to see spots, vision dancing unsteadily. Jongin must be moaning but he can’t hear it, he’s choking on it, dragging Junmyeon’s face so close to his body that Junmyeon must be suffocating. He tries not move to but he can’t help that his hips can’t stay still, letting out a soundless, dry sob once he actually regains enough sense to feel the way Junmyeon’s fingers are caressing his hip, soothing and gentle.
Shaking from exhaustion and emotion overload, Jongin finally breathes again once Junmyeon pulls away. Junmyeon’s face is beet red and that at least puts Jongin’s racing heart a bit more at ease.
There’s a shine to Junmyeon’s lips that can’t be from anything else and Jongin chews the inside of his mouth. He bites hard, brain still playing catchup-Junmyeon just sucked him off, Junmyeon made him come so hard he’s shaking, Junmyeon just swallowed all that, Junmyeon, Junmyeon, it’s his Junmyeon-hyung.
Jongin turns his face away, down, anywhere where his sweat-sticky hair can hide it a bit more. Junmyeon’s warmth eventually wraps around him like it always has, comforting and solid and always there, as still as Junmyeon always has been.
For a place to hide, for a place to rest, Jongin is grateful. He eventually wraps his arms around Junmyeon’s middle and lets Junmyeon pull him to lie down in bed again. He can feel how hard Junmyeon is pressed up against his bare inner thigh and he’s ashamed to not be down there himself to return the favor, but Junmyeon’s grip is ironclad and Jongin’s not sure he’s in control of his limbs anyway. He feels a mix between shellshocked and like crying and he has no idea why when the entirety of his body feels nothing but good.
Face buried in Junmyeon’s neck, Jongin clutches at him, praying that by 11:30pm, or tomorrow morning, or at least tomorrow evening, he’ll be braver, he’ll be the Jongin that Kai is, and he’ll be able to make Junmyeon feel even half as good as Junmyeon just made him.
Junmyeon deserves at least that.
---
Except, Jongin can’t really get around to it, not when he can never find the right moment. Their schedules are too busy for much free time, even less so for anything intimate. Jongin goes home when he can to visit his baby niece and Junmyeon’s got friends outside of Jongin’s given knowledge, from before even Jongin knew him.
Alright, so that isn’t that fair either, because since their 6-month anniversary, Junmyeon’s been catching him off guard to suck him off at least once a week. It isn’t much but it’s a damn lot compared to before, and Jongin swears every time he’s going to return the favor this time, he will, but he’s always too frozen and embarrassed afterward to move. Junmyeon doesn’t let him anyway-he always makes sure to hold Jongin tight, like he’s scared Jongin will run, and maybe Jongin would, he’s not even sure anymore.
He’s scared by how good it feels. He’s gotten blowjobs before, this is by no means his first run around the ballpark, but it’s never felt like this. Is it supposed to feel like this?
It’s distracting to be around Junmyeon every minute of the day now. At photoshoots, on the stage, even just in their dressing room-Jongin catches himself staring, and that’s only when he catches himself, and that makes him worry.
---
Some things just need working up to. That’s what Jongin tells himself anyway, because he needs to tell himself something after 2 months of not accomplishing anything, doesn’t he?
“Hyung,” Jongin mumbles into Junmyeon’s neck after yet another orgasm that’s liquefied his knees, “can I…uh…”
He feels Junmyeon’s breath catch in his chest and tenses, hoping Junmyeon doesn’t pull away.
“I want to make you feel good too,” Jongin blurts out, hiding his face more even as he sneaks a hand between their bodies. He really hates going to sleep with Junmyeon still hard against him-he hates himself for being a coward. “You always make me feel good and it’s not- it’s not fair.”
Junmyeon could cry to hear those words, he’s been taking so many cold showers lately, but he also doesn’t know that he could’ve ever asked this of Jongin. An offer is one thing but he couldn’t ask it of Jongin, not when he knows Jongin would never say no to him. It feels wrong somehow-he’s known Jongin since he was a little kid, and maybe Junmyeon isn’t that much older than him, but Jongin is so precious to him and he has to watch out for him. He can’t be taking advantage of him.
Muffling a moan, Junmyeon screws his eyes shut as Jongin’s fingers slide into his pajama bottoms to grip him. He’s embarrassingly hard already, he has been ever since he started giving Jongin that last blowjob, and he warns Jongin as much that he won’t last long.
Jongin makes an ambivalent noise and jerks him off, rhythm clumsy, space way too cramped considering how tight they’re hugging. He’s seen Junmyeon naked plenty of times before; how could it be so surreal to have his fingers wrapped around Junmyeon’s cock right now? It’s hard and hot in his grip, familiar enough to Jongin from his own experiences but also completely new.
Junmyeon’s hips cant towards him and Jongin bites hard on his lip. Does this crappy handjob really feel that good to him? “Hyung,” he half-moans, desire coiling in his abdomen again just from touching Junmyeon so intimately, mind racing with thoughts of how it would feel to take Junmyeon into his mouth.
Junmyeon comes quietly, quickly, whispering Jongin’s name in his ear, shuddering against Jongin’s larger frame. He isn’t embarrassed, not really, but he does feel hesitation, a certain air of discomfort he can’t pinpoint. It’s always a bit like this but more so tonight and he pulls away before he can linger for too long, leaving Jongin and his averted eyes with a quick kiss on the forehead. Getting tissues is a good excuse for space. Junmyeon doesn’t say anything even once he returns, carefully cleaning Jongin off before himself.
“You doing okay?” Junmyeon eventually asks, giving Jongin’s arm a squeeze.
Jongin is silent for a moment. He has so much he wants to say and no way to word any of it well. “Do you want to have sex?” he asks, the words tumbling out of him like rocks, no finesse or romance to it. “Oh, fuck. Shit. Hyung, I don’t know what I want to say.”
A heavy, awkward silence passes between them while Junmyeon thinks. “Yeah, I would,” Junmyeon replies, and Jongin has to look at him, desperate to understand that tone of voice. Junmyeon is smiling at him but he seems distant, like he’s thinking about something else entirely.
“Then…maybe we…should?” Jongin ventures.
Junmyeon smiles wider and Jongin feels even more like he’s missing something. “Do you want to?” he asks.
“I guess,” Jongin mumbles, cheeks heating up again, “I mean, we should, right?”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know,” Jongin answers, frazzled and way too naked, “But if we’re dating, then we eventually should, right?”
Junmyeon is silent for a long time again. Jongin picks at the edge of Junmyeon’s pillow nervously, finding himself clinging once Junmyeon reaches for his hand to entwine their fingers together. “Whatever you want, Jongin-ah,” he says, that perfectly kind smile on his face again. He pulls Jongin to him and Jongin allows himself to hide, but Jongin just wants him so desperately bad it feels like a scream welled in his chest with nowhere to go.
And what about what you want, hyung? he wonders, wishing he could say it out loud.
---
It occurs to Junmyeon that the mature, easy, proper way to do this is to use his words the way grownups do and just talk about it, but making the words get past his throat is proving to be a real feat. He is perfectly aware he needs to put on his big boy pants and just talk to Jongin about whatever it is that’s making things tense between them but he’s embarrassed and nervous and he’s scared Jongin will pull away from him again. It’s in the past now but it’ll always be fresh enough in Junmyeon’s mind and he never wants to push Jongin that far away, not when they’re finally this close.
This is the problem with being leader and a hyung and being so in love with someone he’s supposed to stay impartial to. He can’t--he wants so much from Jongin, he wants Jongin to give to him what he wants to give, but he’ll never know how much of it is freely given and how much of it is obligation.
He doesn’t think so little of Jongin that he thinks Jongin would do anything he asks, but he does think Jongin would put himself outside of his limits in order to please. He always has. Why else does Jongin still have such terrible pain in his lower back? He runs himself ragged for other people and Junmyeon refuses to be another name on the list of people who take advantage of him.
Still, from the uncertain looks that Jongin sometimes shoots him, Junmyeon feels torn. What is he supposed to do between responsibility and what he wants?
He sits with Sehun in their room on a late Thursday evening, embarrassed enough that he’s always talking with the magnae about messy relationship shit that should never even see the light of day. He just doesn’t know where else to turn and he trusts Sehun most when it comes to Jongin-Sehun’s always been on his side.
“Does he- he doesn’t say anything about me to you, does he?” Junmyeon asks nervously. He and Jongin haven’t been intimate at all in the last couple of weeks, not since that almost-talk they had. It’s strange for both of them to have regressed in their physical relationship.
“Not really…”Sehun says slowly. He’d be lying if he said he hasn’t seen a change though. There’s a strain to them that Sehun hasn’t seen since before they got together. “You know he’d do anything for you, right? You can just ask him.”
“That’s the whole problem,” Junmyeon says, half under his breath, hands in fists on his thighs. “I know he would.”
“Is that bad?”
“I don’t know…” Junmyeon sighs heavily and pinches the bridge of his nose. He is so exhausted and only half of it is physical. “I have a harder and harder time these days trying to tell between what he wants and what he does because it’s what he thinks I want.”
It’s a near thing, but Sehun manages not to laugh in Junmyeon’s face. Christ, these two…
Sehun sighs, throwing his arm around Junmyeon’s shoulders. “You know what I’m going to call you guys from now on? Overthinking Couple. Overanalytic, neurotic, paranoid couple who can’t talk to each other.”
Junmyeon smiles helplessly, hoping his worry doesn’t show too clearly. “It’s tiring, isn’t it? I’m sorry, Sehun-ah.”
“Don’t be. You’re the only hyung I can talk to this way without getting beat on.”
---
“Where’s Junmyeon-hyung?” Jongin asks, a question he seems to be asking a lot. Yixing looks at him lazily from the kitchen counter, plucking mindlessly at his guitar.
“With Sehunnie,” Yixing says eventually, leveling him with a look that makes Jongin stand up straighter. “Said it was important stuff, private stuff.”
Jongin frowns; private stuff? He starts down the hall, growing nervous, stopping in his tracks when the door to Junmyeon and Sehun’s room opens and they step out, Junmyeon’s arm wrapped around Sehun’s waist. He’s laughing and Jongin knows for a fact that Junmyeon hasn’t laughed with him in weeks.
He isn’t jealous of Sehun, not really. He’s nervous, worried, scared perhaps about himself. He doesn’t want to be failing at this in some way and he doesn’t know why Junmyeon won’t talk to him.
“Oh, happy couple,” Yixing singsongs from behind him, making Jongin tense up and press up against the wall. Junmyeon’s smile falters a little when he sees Jongin standing there, and while he’s quick to hide it, Jongin’s taken too much care to memorize the details and tells of Junmyeon’s face for it to escape him. He tries not to grit his teeth too noticeably, ducking his head when Sehun sails past him to orbit Yixing and his guitar.
“Yixing-hyung~” Sehun says, sharing a look between them that has them both grinning. Junmyeon observes them carefully but he doesn’t get it-there are different facets of closeness and he isn’t privy to this one.
Jongin feels a gentle bump to the side of his head, blinking owlishly when he turns and finds Yixing knocking at him.
“别吃醋了, 太不适合你了!” Yixing laughs, eyes curved and dimple deep, obviously teasing him. Jongin knows it’s Yixing’s brand of affectionate teasing but he is not going to give any of them the satisfaction of asking what it means and Sehun, that bastard, he’s giggling!! Yixing sighs, looking at him fond and exasperated. “犹豫什么? 他最爱的还不是你?”
Jongin looks at Junmyeon who looks just as lost, and he is positive that Sehun also has no idea what’s going on, but Sehun seems to understand something in Yixing’s voice that Jongin still hasn’t figured out. He’s grinning that grin again like he knows something Jongin doesn’t and it drives him crazy!
“走啦, 宝贝!” Yixing exclaims, looping his arm with Sehun’s, “hyung will buy you bubble tea and you help hyung finish this song, okay? It’s about stupid people in love, 像他们, 烦死我了!”
“Yehet!” Sehun cheers, throwing one last grin over his shoulder at Jongin before disappearing out the door.
“I’m going to really hurt him one day,” Jongin says flatly, his heart all sore when he hears Junmyeon laugh. “Oh Sehun, that guy…”
“I know, I know,” Junmyeon says, standing closer to him now. Jongin swallows the ball in his throat when Junmyeon’s hand slips into his own, tangling their fingers together. At what point is it okay for him to cling again? “Hey, Jongin-ah? I think maybe we should have a talk, if that’s okay?”
Jongin ducks his head again, not saying anything as he turns on his heels and pulls Junmyeon along. He’s not sure he can say anything but he does want to do something, anything-he and Junmyeon aren’t meant to be apart anymore.
Junmyeon is laughing a little behind him and Jongin is at least glad he’s in a good mood. He shuts the door to Junmyeon’s room firmly behind them and turns the lock, aching with how bad he just wants a hug. It’s the first time they’ve been alone together in just a little over two weeks. That’s a long time, especially since Junmyeon’s been making a point to have alone time with him just a few weeks before.
They sit on Junmyeon’s bed for a while, Jongin anxiously playing with Junmyeon’s fingers, refusing to let go of his hand. He’s really nervous.
“Jongin-ah, is it okay if I say something really weird?” Junmyeon asks, finally breaking the silence. He looks embarrassed.
“Mm?” Jongin asks, stomach churning with anxiety.
“I really…really love you,” Junmyeon says, and Jongin is so amazed he can say that while looking him in the eye, not a hint of shame or a stutter to it. Maybe that’s what it looks like when you put conviction behind your feelings. Jongin feels guiltier than he ever has before.
“I know, hyung,” he mumbles, gripping Junmyeon’s hand so hard his knuckles are turning white.
“Do you want to be with me?” Junmyeon asks, so quiet that Jongin almost thinks he’s hallucinating. But there’s a very serious look of unease on Junmyeon’s face, and Jongin feels so horribly he feels his head rush with dread, blood suddenly pounding in his ears.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t?” he asks in return, digging his nails into the back of Junmyeon’s hand. This is always the problem with him; he’s no good with putting his feelings into words and it becomes like this, when someone he cares about thinks that he doesn’t care at all. It isn’t the first time this has happened, not even the first handful, but this is the first time it’s ever hurt so bad. He wanted to do better with this, if only for Junmyeon’s sake, but truthfully, he had hoped that Junmyeon could see past all of the non-words, that all the little things stood out enough that Junmyeon understood.
Junmyeon looks at him for a bit, clearly trying to read him, so Jongin turns his face away, even though that’s not what he really wants. He’s just so bad at this still, he has no idea how to face Junmyeon properly, especially when he can see so plainly on Junmyeon’s face that he loves him. He loves him so easily, so freely, he never asks for anything, and Jongin still can’t make his mouth form infantile words of affection.
“It feels sometimes like you would rather me be elsewhere,” Junmyeon says, quiet and uncertain.
No, that’s not true, Jongin thinks, the backs of his eyes prickling with tears of frustration and fear, I only feel that way when you’re close.
When Jongin doesn’t reply, Junmyeon turns away, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. He feels black and blue all over from loving Jongin too much, bruises on the insides of his ribs.
“I’ll leave you alone for a while,” he says, forcing himself to put distance between the situation and his heart. He can’t think about it if he wants what’s best for Jongin. He gets up, meaning to let go, but jerks back when he feels Jongin tighten his grip at the last second, falling back onto the bed.
“I don’t know how to tell you anything,” Jongin says in a rush, speaking to the floor, “I don’t know how you say some things so easily. You’re not-- none of this has been anything but what I’ve wanted, so what do you want, hyung?” He swallows thickly, unable to understand how Junmyeon is so far away when Jongin hasn’t been anything but happy with him. “What am I supposed to say to you when I have you already, what else should I ask for?”
Junmyeon feels realization hit him, blindside him from someplace he hasn’t even thought to look. He doesn’t get it yet, not all of it, but this is the most Jongin’s said about how he’s felt in a while and it’s a perspective Junmyeon’s never considered before.
“So…you want to be with me?” he asks. That’s obviously the wrong question though because the look of hurt Jongin gives him makes him want to take it back immediately.
“Hyung…” Jongin says slowly, like every word is hurting him, like Junmyeon’s just hit him, “why… how would I ever…” He takes a deep, shuddering breath, turning away to swipe angrily at his eyes. How did this all get so fucked when he was right here watching the whole time? “I’m sorry, I’ve just been really bad to you, haven’t I?”
“God, Jongin-ah, no,” Junmyeon rushes to say, sitting closer, letting go of Jongin’s hand to pull him into a half embrace. “I’m sorry Jongin-ah, I’m sorry, I’m just stupid, that’s all. I wish I was better with you the way Kyungsoo and Sehun are.”
“You’re such a stupid hyung,” Jongin whispers, shaking his head, “I don’t want anyone else. No one is like you, there is no better. Why can’t you see that?”
Junmyeon closes his eyes, pulling Jongin firmly against his chest. “I need to stop holding out on you,” he says into Jongin’s ear, pressing apologetic kisses there, “I just need to ask you for what I want, don’t I?”
“I want you, hyung,” Jongin nearly whines, his feelings painfully raw, “Christ, how do you not see it? It feels like the entire world can see it and you can’t and I’m fucking embarrassed, okay?”
Startled is a good way to put how Junmyeon feels. Jongin so rarely speaks this harshly with him so that’s a pretty good indication of how upset he is.
“How am I supposed to tell you I want to have s- sex?” Jongin asks, angry only because that’s easier than shame, “I feel like I already ask so much of you and you never ask for anything, so what- how do I- is it even okay?”
“Oh Jongin-ah, of course it’s okay.” Junmyeon hides Jongin’s face in his neck, cupping the back of Jongin’s head, winding around him so tight that Jongin’s breath grows audibly labored. “Fuck,” he whispers, with great emphasis, “I’ve really fucked this up.”
“I guess that makes both of us,” Jongin says, and his laugh is watery at best but at least it’s a laugh.
Sighing heavily, Junmyeon plays with the soft hair at the back of Jongin’s neck, something comforting that Jongin likes. “For what it’s worth…I’ve never wanted anyone half as bad as I’ve always wanted you. Jongin-ah…I’ve never, ever wanted to be with anyone as much as I want you. That’s never changed.”
“Hyung…” Jongin whispers, hiding his face more, “I’m going to die of embarrassment. But…” he takes a deep breath, pulls back, wanting to look Junmyeon in the eye for once. He wants to say this right, for once. “I’m really, really, really stupidly in love with you,” he says, and it’s not fear that makes his voice shake, it’s the courage it takes to say this. “I know I’m not good with this, I still don’t know what to say to you, but I-” Jongin presses their foreheads together with a sigh, hunching his shoulders in smaller. “I can’t do this without you. Is it really okay if I ask you for more? Won’t you get sick of me if I ask you to spend all your time with me?”
He’s never been able to do any of this without Junmyeon. When did he get sewn into every inch of Jongin’s life, the thread so fine and tight that there’s no hope for him to pull away without falling apart?
Junmyeon cups his face, he’s gentle, he’s smiling, and Jongin unconsciously finds himself smiling back, even though it wavers at the edges. “Thank you, Jongin-ah,” he says, brushing his thumb over Jongin’s cheekbone. “And let’s not forget…you’re the popular one here, I should be the one asking you if you’ll get sick of me. I’m just boring, uninteresting me, and you’re--”
“No one gets to talk about you like that, not even you.” The interruption is quiet but defiant, stubborn, and a hot flush goes through Junmyeon’s entire body, startled by the conviction in Jongin’s voice. “There’s no one better than you, hyung.” Jongin tries to press himself to Junmyeon’s chest, wanting to be hugged. Junmyeon gives out the best hugs. “I only want you.”
One of these days, Jongin’s going to work his way up to saying the word need; he figures he’s still got some leeway in being shy.
Maybe it’s a bit distracting, but Junmyeon can’t stop pressing kisses to Jongin’s cheeks and temple and any other inch of skin his lips can reach. He is so helplessly, desperately, ripping at the seams and drowning in how much he’s in love. Jongin is absolutely stunning, inside and out. Maybe love makes everyone beautiful, that’s what Junmyeon thinks.
“Hey,” he whispers, pulling Jongin so close that he’s kissing the words to Jongin’s mouth, “do you want to know something?”
“What?” Jongin mumbles, mind barely there anymore.
“I don’t think I’ve ever not been in love with you. Isn’t that crazy?”
Jongin likes the shape of Junmyeon’s smile against his lips. “Stupid hyung,” he whispers, trying to mold himself into Junmyeon any way he can, “I’ve always known that.”
Part 2 this way