(no subject)
when i push the sheets away from your face and watch you sleep all day here.
and when i push you away and say you simply can not stay here.
its all love, all love, it's all of my stupid love.
when i say you take away the most important parts of me with you and when i've had the greyest day, you add more grey, that's just your way, it's true.
god, where am I?
i don't really know what to do. so honestly, not a clue. but i know that life cannot stay this way. and i have so much to say. and i want you to amplify my words, not smother them. damn it, stop slamming my fingers in the door. i am not a toy that you can throw around. i have emotions. i live and love and breathe. i have fingernails, you know. maybe sometimes, you forget that.
so i don't know whether to be happy or sad. i shake, but that is all. my stomach turns, but no tears. not now at least. i'd love to be able to cry.. just get it out. be done with it. move on. find better things. do i not deserve it?
and if you say i don't, well fuck you.
i just want to feel wanted. i want to be shown that i am loved. maybe that is a lot to ask for, but i need it. and that's it. i want to be happy. and i want you to be happy. i do. so much. i cry for you. not for me, but for your happiness. i love you. but sometimes, i think we could do better for ourselves. we want such different lives. and yes, i want adventure. i want spontaneity, but i also want to know where i will lay my head at night. maybe that conflicts. maybe i am just a stupid girl. but i beat myself up too much. i deserve better. and i will get something better, whether it is with you or not, i'll get it.
if you weren't so damn lazy and you just took some medication, we could be happy and functional. and maybe then you could open your eyes are realize that our life isn't perfect and you are letting me slip away.
and i'll admit.. i don't have the best ideas about relationships all the time. i want reckless abandon love. and you know that. and you don't want that. and maybe i am the foolish one, here; but i know i want passion and life in my relationship. we spent too much time together. and the problem is, it wasn't time spent well. just time wasted away.. doing nothing. saying nothing. enjoying nothing. just time. wasted. you have to agree here. and yes, i lost my identity. you did as well, i guess.. because you are not the person i first met. and i miss that guy.
and i really try not to hold you back. i try to be supportive. i do. because i want to see you happy. i want to see you accomplish things. to do wonders. but you can't do that on your butt. and it's so damn frustrating. and tell me, please.. why the HELL would you go camping with your ex when we are on a break and we haven't even been camping yet??? WHY? why the hell would you hurt me like that? what the fuck. i don't deserve that shit. none of it. i gave up my friendship for you, and you treat me with this. you should feel like shit. SHIT. because that's what a guy is who does that to his girlfriend. and alcohol... wtf. i could kill you.
and i love you.
why? i still don't even know, really.
so i guess this is me saying goodbye. for now. for later. for however long.. goodbye love.