Homecoming Changes
In a week or so, I will finally be back home in Virginia around people I actually care about. I have finally become one of the ones who survived the dreaded 6 month deployment. This deployment taught me many things, and I faced different aspects of different challenges, and though I overcame them all, many of them were very difficult to overcome in the first place. I tell you, there are a lot of jerks in the navy. Some people seriously get on my nerves. I have learned that there are a lot of two faced mother fuckers (excuse my french) in this branch of service and I don't doubt they're in the other branches as well.
A lot of double standards also exist, whereas I am punished one way where the other group of people are punished another way, or not at all.
However, there is one challenge that i have overcame, and that is my rape. The aftereffects, though I think that in a way i haven't overcame it, because throughout this deployment i have developed an undul hatred towards that man. He tore my world apart and left me to pick up the pieces. We'll be divorced in a few weeks thank God, but this didn't come without pain. And though I tried to forget about him, he still tried to pour salt in my wounds by sending me love letters and letters of apology through the mail. I do not want ANY contact with him whatsoever and yet he decides to invade the little personal space I do have.
But, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I was afraid that he would make parole this month--he didn't and probably won't ever see a parole board hearing due to his lack of respect in still trying to make contact with me. I also met a good man. He's sweet, nice and caring...can be a pain in my ass at times but he doesn't hold what happened to me against me.
Yet, a little part of me inside is afraid to move on, because he is so good to me, I am afraid a little of still moving forward. Though I am taking it one step at a time, I am afraid that I will put my complete trust in him and end up getting hurt somewhere down the road. I am afraid of getting hurt, that is it. Like the last time I put my full and complete trust into someone, it turned for the worse for me. And though he is good to me now, I am cautious because I just honestly don't want to be back in that boat again. I dont want for one day to say I love you then the next minute he takes advantage of my feelings and everything I am about. But another part of me, (the greater part) says that he won't hurt me like how my ex hurt me. He seems like a good guy. He's very caring in the way he treats me and we spend a lot of time together, getting to know each other's likes and dislikes, strengths and fears. I told him what happened to me, and like I said, he didn't hold that against me. I just hope that later on, though, he doesn't slap me with a double wammy and bring it up and blames my behavior on that, because of that. I have changed though. I find myself being more snappy but more cautious of individuals. I am nice but I don't take shit from anyone. I am not that quiet, mellow girl that I once was a few months ago. And I wonder, if that is a good thing...or a bad thing? Only time will tell.
A lot of double standards also exist, whereas I am punished one way where the other group of people are punished another way, or not at all.
However, there is one challenge that i have overcame, and that is my rape. The aftereffects, though I think that in a way i haven't overcame it, because throughout this deployment i have developed an undul hatred towards that man. He tore my world apart and left me to pick up the pieces. We'll be divorced in a few weeks thank God, but this didn't come without pain. And though I tried to forget about him, he still tried to pour salt in my wounds by sending me love letters and letters of apology through the mail. I do not want ANY contact with him whatsoever and yet he decides to invade the little personal space I do have.
But, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I was afraid that he would make parole this month--he didn't and probably won't ever see a parole board hearing due to his lack of respect in still trying to make contact with me. I also met a good man. He's sweet, nice and caring...can be a pain in my ass at times but he doesn't hold what happened to me against me.
Yet, a little part of me inside is afraid to move on, because he is so good to me, I am afraid a little of still moving forward. Though I am taking it one step at a time, I am afraid that I will put my complete trust in him and end up getting hurt somewhere down the road. I am afraid of getting hurt, that is it. Like the last time I put my full and complete trust into someone, it turned for the worse for me. And though he is good to me now, I am cautious because I just honestly don't want to be back in that boat again. I dont want for one day to say I love you then the next minute he takes advantage of my feelings and everything I am about. But another part of me, (the greater part) says that he won't hurt me like how my ex hurt me. He seems like a good guy. He's very caring in the way he treats me and we spend a lot of time together, getting to know each other's likes and dislikes, strengths and fears. I told him what happened to me, and like I said, he didn't hold that against me. I just hope that later on, though, he doesn't slap me with a double wammy and bring it up and blames my behavior on that, because of that. I have changed though. I find myself being more snappy but more cautious of individuals. I am nice but I don't take shit from anyone. I am not that quiet, mellow girl that I once was a few months ago. And I wonder, if that is a good thing...or a bad thing? Only time will tell.