Be quiet now and rest.
I've decided a few things today:
1) I want to be in a band and make music with people who share the same interests as me (inspired by the song "Joga," by Bjork. Do yourself a favor and download it and weep during the chorus).
2) I'm ready for the cooler weather to come. I'm ready to start running outside, again, without me feeling like my body is melting. It's kind of selfish that I only want cooler weather because of exercise, but it's the truth. Otherwise, may God do what He wants with the temperature. But, God, just don't make it like, too cold, OK?
3) In a few days, I could have an emotional breakdown. I have no clue what's going on with anything.
4) I'm in a tough spot, spiritually. Believing, but not agreeing.
5) I don't need to buy any jackets for this year's winter/fall.
6) I want a pair of black shoes (not dress shoes, but just like, maybe a leather pair of black shoes. I'm thinking Diesel... maybe not).
7) I want to get a job that requires me to work a few nights a week. Any suggestions?
8) I REALLY love my lifeguarding job. I just wish I could work more hours (Even though the hours I have are exactly what I prayed for. So, maybe the hours I have no are just fine? Cool thing God tells me these things last minute...).
9) I say "God" like I know Him really well. I don't think I do, anymore.
10) I'm really glad I got those new goggles. They've made me excited to swim, again. I find that buying new "stuff" makes it more fun to do whatever that "stuff" enhances (i.e. new running shorts, goggles, speedos, shoes, socks, etc.).
11) I really don't know what I'm going to do about my brakes. I think it's going to cost a whole lot of money. (*puts hands together, looks up to heaven, and prays, "Lord, you knew my need way before I was even created. Now, do it.")
12) I don't think there could be a #12 on this list. I just don't like 12.
13) I'm not happy. I don't know why. I seriously don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. Seriously. Nothing interests me or disinterests me. I've been thinking about therapy to really get to the root of all this mess, but the thought of it makes me feel dirty and different. Well, I know I'm different, but I feel like there are some issues I need to get sorted out in order for me to grow as a human being. I get sweaty thinking about going to a psychologist.
14) I really want to just be in Australia, right now.
15) I a m g o i n g c r a z y . . .
I feel like this journal is a very helpful medium to get out a lot of thoughts, so there are some things that I write that may cause you to be concerned, but I can assure you, they're just my thoughts and only have a 0.0045% chance of ever happening in reality. With that being said...
It's hard for me to keep telling myself that I'm happy being a Christian. I think Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit have lost their appeal. They haven't lost all appeal, of course, because I think about them every 5 seconds (think I'm kidding?). But, what I'm saying is, I've said for the past 7 years, "Man, God is just so good and so awesome and everyone should know Him and His son." In my 8th year of being a Christian, I find a lot of what I've learned and a lot of what I believe to be very... tired. I'm not downplaying my experiences or the lessons, because they were real and their memories still come back very clearly. I think the things I've gone through have certainly molded me into the "man" that I am today, but there are so many things I've neglected for the sake of keeping a holy appearance. And, that's all it's been--an appearance. Most of the time, I just struggled with convincing myself that Jesus is real and He does forgive me and He does have an interest in my life beyond my comprehension. I've been telling myself that over and over again, because that's what I've heard at Church, it's what I've read in the Bible, and it's just what I've concluded. But, here's the tricky part. Now that I'm in my "post-adolescent, idealstic phase," I'm starting to not convince myself of these things, anymore. I'm stepping back and taking in what comes more naturally (as a Christian and as a fallen man). I'm doing this so I can understand myself and where I am in the Lord. I guess I am, for the first time, analyzing my heart. Why do I serve God? Do I enjoy God? Do I believe He cares about me? Do I believe what I believe because I've experienced it, or because people tell me this is what I should believe? All of these things I've been asking myself lately, and I've come up with some seriously weird answers. Like, stuff I thought was way important, I'm actually finding that it's not important at all. And, stuff I thought was so minor, is actually way important. My friend back in Australia said, "God doesn't care about what we do. He cares about us." I feel like a beloved child when I think about that.
I guess I might be in a good spot. You know, it's just like God to do this to me. Just when I think I have all the answers, He makes me realize that I don't know much of anything, and basically puts me at the back of the line with the rest of the losers who have nothing figured out. I'm OK with going to the back of the line, as long as He puts me there.
1) I want to be in a band and make music with people who share the same interests as me (inspired by the song "Joga," by Bjork. Do yourself a favor and download it and weep during the chorus).
2) I'm ready for the cooler weather to come. I'm ready to start running outside, again, without me feeling like my body is melting. It's kind of selfish that I only want cooler weather because of exercise, but it's the truth. Otherwise, may God do what He wants with the temperature. But, God, just don't make it like, too cold, OK?
3) In a few days, I could have an emotional breakdown. I have no clue what's going on with anything.
4) I'm in a tough spot, spiritually. Believing, but not agreeing.
5) I don't need to buy any jackets for this year's winter/fall.
6) I want a pair of black shoes (not dress shoes, but just like, maybe a leather pair of black shoes. I'm thinking Diesel... maybe not).
7) I want to get a job that requires me to work a few nights a week. Any suggestions?
8) I REALLY love my lifeguarding job. I just wish I could work more hours (Even though the hours I have are exactly what I prayed for. So, maybe the hours I have no are just fine? Cool thing God tells me these things last minute...).
9) I say "God" like I know Him really well. I don't think I do, anymore.
10) I'm really glad I got those new goggles. They've made me excited to swim, again. I find that buying new "stuff" makes it more fun to do whatever that "stuff" enhances (i.e. new running shorts, goggles, speedos, shoes, socks, etc.).
11) I really don't know what I'm going to do about my brakes. I think it's going to cost a whole lot of money. (*puts hands together, looks up to heaven, and prays, "Lord, you knew my need way before I was even created. Now, do it.")
12) I don't think there could be a #12 on this list. I just don't like 12.
13) I'm not happy. I don't know why. I seriously don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. Seriously. Nothing interests me or disinterests me. I've been thinking about therapy to really get to the root of all this mess, but the thought of it makes me feel dirty and different. Well, I know I'm different, but I feel like there are some issues I need to get sorted out in order for me to grow as a human being. I get sweaty thinking about going to a psychologist.
14) I really want to just be in Australia, right now.
15) I a m g o i n g c r a z y . . .
I feel like this journal is a very helpful medium to get out a lot of thoughts, so there are some things that I write that may cause you to be concerned, but I can assure you, they're just my thoughts and only have a 0.0045% chance of ever happening in reality. With that being said...
It's hard for me to keep telling myself that I'm happy being a Christian. I think Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit have lost their appeal. They haven't lost all appeal, of course, because I think about them every 5 seconds (think I'm kidding?). But, what I'm saying is, I've said for the past 7 years, "Man, God is just so good and so awesome and everyone should know Him and His son." In my 8th year of being a Christian, I find a lot of what I've learned and a lot of what I believe to be very... tired. I'm not downplaying my experiences or the lessons, because they were real and their memories still come back very clearly. I think the things I've gone through have certainly molded me into the "man" that I am today, but there are so many things I've neglected for the sake of keeping a holy appearance. And, that's all it's been--an appearance. Most of the time, I just struggled with convincing myself that Jesus is real and He does forgive me and He does have an interest in my life beyond my comprehension. I've been telling myself that over and over again, because that's what I've heard at Church, it's what I've read in the Bible, and it's just what I've concluded. But, here's the tricky part. Now that I'm in my "post-adolescent, idealstic phase," I'm starting to not convince myself of these things, anymore. I'm stepping back and taking in what comes more naturally (as a Christian and as a fallen man). I'm doing this so I can understand myself and where I am in the Lord. I guess I am, for the first time, analyzing my heart. Why do I serve God? Do I enjoy God? Do I believe He cares about me? Do I believe what I believe because I've experienced it, or because people tell me this is what I should believe? All of these things I've been asking myself lately, and I've come up with some seriously weird answers. Like, stuff I thought was way important, I'm actually finding that it's not important at all. And, stuff I thought was so minor, is actually way important. My friend back in Australia said, "God doesn't care about what we do. He cares about us." I feel like a beloved child when I think about that.
I guess I might be in a good spot. You know, it's just like God to do this to me. Just when I think I have all the answers, He makes me realize that I don't know much of anything, and basically puts me at the back of the line with the rest of the losers who have nothing figured out. I'm OK with going to the back of the line, as long as He puts me there.