You should not be angry.
OK. A real post.
There hasn't really been a whole lot happening with me lately. It's not that I've been doing nothing, it's just that with me, in general, nothing is happening within. It seems like the movement that was making me spin around in all directions, has stopped. Completely. Call it the "valley," call it "backsliding," call it "human nature." Whatever it is, it always happens around this time of year. It always happens when the semester is winding down (or, winding up in some cases), my car is messing up, and I really miss living in Australia. I know we're supposed to just be content within our situations and carry the cross. But, I mean, sometimes situations really really suck and that cross seems to keep getting heavier and heavier. There are times when I look back (and these points usually happen when I'm driving) and think about how upset I am about a lot of stuff that happened.
I get mad at the stuff I let myself get involved in and I get mad at the stuff I didn't get involved in. Like, how my whole high school life was consumed with Church activity. It gave me something to do and I never didn't have anything to do on Sundays and Wednesdays. But, I missed out on so much too. I didn't go to a lot of parties because I was afraid of who would see me there. I didn't do the spring break thing because I was afraid of missing out on the 2 or 3 church youth group trips we'd do (six flags, bowling, miniature golf, etc.). I thought that being at church for every single event was the MOST important thing and hanging out with the christian kids at school would mean that I wouldn't fall into temptation. I guess all of that did keep me out of trouble, but it also kept me out of the world. My "bold" witnessing was done at gas stations and whenever i would bump into my old, "lost" friends who were chasing after the world (as I was chasing after an image of perfection, not for God to truly change my heart). In our prayer groups we would pray, out loud, how bad "they" all were and we would even say stuff like, "Lord, they just drink and have sex and stuff and are totally not living for you." We prayed the most loaded prayers. We were praying like God didn't know what was going on.
Now I'm 22, and I don't see any type of significant difference. I'm still striving for the same things (not getting them), doing the same stuff (and not doing the right stuff), and seeing myself as someone different (who I'll never be). It's this stupid circle that I'm running in. Sometimes I think I find success, but what's really happening is I'm just running the circle faster. Bottom line is, I'm still the same kid I was when I was 14, just making different, more grown-up decisions.
Oh, and friendships. They used to come so easily, but that's because they were selfless. Now that we're all older and much more selfish, it's hard to remain consistent friends with someone. "Dude, we really need to start hanging out." That's what every freaking person tells me when they see me. "OK," I say. I give them my number, I get theirs. I don't hear from them for a long time, so I decide to call them (you know, to try and "start hanging out."). Voicemail. No call back. I call again a few weeks later. They answer. We hang out. Nothing to talk about. It's obvious we don't have anything in common anymore. Next. The people who I thought cared about me find girlfriends or boyfriends and then they drop off the face of the planet. "I'll never be like that." Sure. "Please tell me if I ever get like that." Yep. "I hate those people that start to date someone and they forget about everyone else." Yea, me too. "So, why are you like that?" I'd like to ask. Like, I honestly thought that I just wasn't cool at all. I was starting to believe that the reason I didn't have any close friends was simply because I don't have anything interesting about me. Like, I was pretty certain that I couldn't contribute anything to a relationship, so no one would be interested in being friends with me. But now, I just realize that everyone is just completely apathetic and it doesn't really matter how interesting, or not interesting, I am. You could move to Florida or California or Australia or Brazil or Virginia or even down the street--it wouldn't matter--out of sight, out of mind. That's something I deal with when I go to Australia. If we're not here in front of each other every single day (school, work, etc.), then there's a good chance we're not going to be friends for very long. In these past few months I've really tried to work on being friends with people. Like, I heard "You've got to work on relationships. They're just not going to happen." So, I believed that and I started doing that. Even though I try, people still just don't care. I was at a park a few weeks ago talking to someone about this, and we were really starting to get somewhere. Then a fat guy comes up to me and asks me if I'm gay. It's a perfect picture of my life. Things start going well and we seem to be getting somewhere, and then something completely stupid comes up and interrupts it. It's the circle again.
I was going to apologize for seeming like I've lost hope in people and God, but I don't think I care too much. I think I've been covering up a lot of stuff for a really long time and I think that's been keeping me back from getting past all of this. Game faces suck and I'm not in the business of faking.
(But, I do have friends whom I love and know care about me. I'm just speaking generally.)
There hasn't really been a whole lot happening with me lately. It's not that I've been doing nothing, it's just that with me, in general, nothing is happening within. It seems like the movement that was making me spin around in all directions, has stopped. Completely. Call it the "valley," call it "backsliding," call it "human nature." Whatever it is, it always happens around this time of year. It always happens when the semester is winding down (or, winding up in some cases), my car is messing up, and I really miss living in Australia. I know we're supposed to just be content within our situations and carry the cross. But, I mean, sometimes situations really really suck and that cross seems to keep getting heavier and heavier. There are times when I look back (and these points usually happen when I'm driving) and think about how upset I am about a lot of stuff that happened.
I get mad at the stuff I let myself get involved in and I get mad at the stuff I didn't get involved in. Like, how my whole high school life was consumed with Church activity. It gave me something to do and I never didn't have anything to do on Sundays and Wednesdays. But, I missed out on so much too. I didn't go to a lot of parties because I was afraid of who would see me there. I didn't do the spring break thing because I was afraid of missing out on the 2 or 3 church youth group trips we'd do (six flags, bowling, miniature golf, etc.). I thought that being at church for every single event was the MOST important thing and hanging out with the christian kids at school would mean that I wouldn't fall into temptation. I guess all of that did keep me out of trouble, but it also kept me out of the world. My "bold" witnessing was done at gas stations and whenever i would bump into my old, "lost" friends who were chasing after the world (as I was chasing after an image of perfection, not for God to truly change my heart). In our prayer groups we would pray, out loud, how bad "they" all were and we would even say stuff like, "Lord, they just drink and have sex and stuff and are totally not living for you." We prayed the most loaded prayers. We were praying like God didn't know what was going on.
Now I'm 22, and I don't see any type of significant difference. I'm still striving for the same things (not getting them), doing the same stuff (and not doing the right stuff), and seeing myself as someone different (who I'll never be). It's this stupid circle that I'm running in. Sometimes I think I find success, but what's really happening is I'm just running the circle faster. Bottom line is, I'm still the same kid I was when I was 14, just making different, more grown-up decisions.
Oh, and friendships. They used to come so easily, but that's because they were selfless. Now that we're all older and much more selfish, it's hard to remain consistent friends with someone. "Dude, we really need to start hanging out." That's what every freaking person tells me when they see me. "OK," I say. I give them my number, I get theirs. I don't hear from them for a long time, so I decide to call them (you know, to try and "start hanging out."). Voicemail. No call back. I call again a few weeks later. They answer. We hang out. Nothing to talk about. It's obvious we don't have anything in common anymore. Next. The people who I thought cared about me find girlfriends or boyfriends and then they drop off the face of the planet. "I'll never be like that." Sure. "Please tell me if I ever get like that." Yep. "I hate those people that start to date someone and they forget about everyone else." Yea, me too. "So, why are you like that?" I'd like to ask. Like, I honestly thought that I just wasn't cool at all. I was starting to believe that the reason I didn't have any close friends was simply because I don't have anything interesting about me. Like, I was pretty certain that I couldn't contribute anything to a relationship, so no one would be interested in being friends with me. But now, I just realize that everyone is just completely apathetic and it doesn't really matter how interesting, or not interesting, I am. You could move to Florida or California or Australia or Brazil or Virginia or even down the street--it wouldn't matter--out of sight, out of mind. That's something I deal with when I go to Australia. If we're not here in front of each other every single day (school, work, etc.), then there's a good chance we're not going to be friends for very long. In these past few months I've really tried to work on being friends with people. Like, I heard "You've got to work on relationships. They're just not going to happen." So, I believed that and I started doing that. Even though I try, people still just don't care. I was at a park a few weeks ago talking to someone about this, and we were really starting to get somewhere. Then a fat guy comes up to me and asks me if I'm gay. It's a perfect picture of my life. Things start going well and we seem to be getting somewhere, and then something completely stupid comes up and interrupts it. It's the circle again.
I was going to apologize for seeming like I've lost hope in people and God, but I don't think I care too much. I think I've been covering up a lot of stuff for a really long time and I think that's been keeping me back from getting past all of this. Game faces suck and I'm not in the business of faking.
(But, I do have friends whom I love and know care about me. I'm just speaking generally.)